July 14, 2013 at 11:53 am #38597
I have been keeping track of the number of days I haven’t contacted my ex. Its the almost the same amount of days to when he broke my heart, give or take a few days. I already know that we will never be together because, a) he doesn’t love me, b) he will never move to be with me, which goes hand in hand with (a). even after journaling, hanging out with good, positive friends, getting support from my family and starting to get to know myself, there is this longing to hear from him. there is this hope that he will come back and we can start over. there is this feeling that its not over. Every time, I open my front door, I expect him to be on my couch. He has my house keys. I have already asked him to ship those back to me as they are the first set of keys I got when I bought my place. I already know that he will be sending those back to me and I am ready to face those emotions. I went out yesterday with some of my single girlfriends and they were so wonderful to me. I met guys who wanted to talk to me and I was honest with them about not being ready. when I got home, I still was waiting for my ex to call or be here. its been more than 2 weeks and he has proven to me that he didn’t ever love me the way I loved him. so my question to all the great people on this site is, when? when do I stop torturing myself? he has told me repeatedly when we broke up that there will be no coming back for him. no hope. he just doesn’t love me. he was infatuated with me and that infatuation has fizzled out. He was very brutally honest with me so why am I stupidly hanging on this false hope?July 14, 2013 at 12:48 pm #38598EParticipant
Oh my goodness.. U were right when u wrote a response to my disappointment other day, it’s like if I just had de ja vu. I have been experiencing the exact same things with my ex. I can’t tell you all of the advice my friends have given me and all of the false hope I have felt throught this process. It’s so hard to make sense of a lot of what’s going on…I clearly remember the days when my ex told me that if only I knew how much he loved me, that I was amazing, and that a future with me would be the best thing for him. He would look for me non stop and wait for me after work to walk me to the car, and he would txt me quite a bit…..it has all just stopped. You and I should hang out, lol;). On a more serious note, it’s taking time for me this time to deal with it all, idk your age but I’m 38 yrs old and I guess I really thought this guy was the one. You see I’ve been divorced twice and have had several long term relationships but for some reason they just haven’t worked out for me…kinda feel like I’m just meant to ride solo. Journaling helps…I can’t say when it’ll help see positive side to doing but I can say that my journal is filled with so much emotion and hurt and questions. From the outside looking in, everyone who has ever gone through what you and I have have survived and gotten something better. I believe in a higher being and that He has a plan for all of us. We are not always gonna have our every hearts desire but all we can do is wait adm trust in what ever that plan may be…even though I’ve expressed grief, anger, impatience, and doubt I now see that if I’ve survived the hardest things a person can possibly face….divorce, physical and verbal abuse, and being left a single mom with four kids with out any help, I can get through this…and so can you. We can’t see the forest from the trees but I know that we and whoever is facing similar problems can rise above this and come out not only ahead but with more blessings because we gave each relationship our all.July 14, 2013 at 12:48 pm #38599EParticipant
Feel free to contact me if you need to talk. Best wishes, eJuly 14, 2013 at 1:01 pm #38600TeraParticipant
Hi Sapnap3 and E
I was just thinking about this same topic recently and I had a few insights about false hope. I think one of the problems many of us have in our society is a belief in, “the one”. It’s so common that we forget the reality. Can you remember the time in your life when you didn’t know this person? Can you remember other relationships in which you thought that person was the one, even if it were only for a little while?
Often the reason we were attracted to this person to begin with was that they offered us something that we felt we were lacking in ourselves. It could be a different way of living, or view on the world. They could offer us confidence, or spiritual growth of some kind. Once you know what quality it is that drew you to this person it will be easier to there are other people in the world who can offer many of the same qualities you are drawn to. I am not saying this is an answer, but just some things I have been wondering about lately.July 14, 2013 at 1:33 pm #38601melodyParticipant
there is so much yearning and longing for this one person that in the process we forget our own selves completely and just keep hoping against all odds that may be some miracle would happen and he wud realise the love that one has, or maybe the absence would make his heart grow fonder, etc , etc ….but all this is mere wishful thinking that we want to believe in because accepting otherwise is indeed a very hurtful and painful truth. I am going thru exactly the same thing…but after not hearing from him for so long i have reached the transitional stage of telling myself that hope and faith is good but there is also something called letting go….Really telling u no one in this world can fill the void inside you, nor lift u out of the abyss unless u urself decide to end things and start making efforts to help your own self….It will take time to heal, to look forward to bright things in life again…dont rush …feel thru all the emotions that come up. In some time u would definitely start accepting the reality of ” he has told me repeatedly when we broke up that there will be no coming back for him. ” And u wud ask yourself y u want to hold onto a person who gave up on u so easily??? Even if he comes back whats the surity that he wont repeat the same thing again…Its better to heal and move on now than to constantly live with pain and fear…sure it will take lots of self effforts and sticking to oneself but in the end it would be worth it. I know its all easier said than done but you have to do it…do it for yourself…“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” I hope very soon u will stop looking back on your past and start making your present meaningful…..lots of love and care….July 14, 2013 at 2:41 pm #38606TeraParticipant
One thing I have been wondering is why do we completely accept it and move on when someone dies, but we can’t completely accept and move on so easily after a breakup?July 14, 2013 at 6:25 pm #38613
My email address is email@example.com. email me any time. I am here for you. I can’t imagine having to take care of 4 kids and going through this.July 14, 2013 at 6:42 pm #38614
Thank you everyone for wonderful advice and love. This site makes me smile and cry at the same time. Smile because u guys are so wonderful and ready to help. The humanity in all of you is amazing. All of you should be proud of being so wonderful. It makes me cry because I know the pain I am growing through and to imagine another humans feeling the same, breaks my heart.
I have no answers for you there. I have experienced one big death in my life but that was when I was a teenager. I think when someone is dead…u know that there is nothing u can do or say that can bring them back. The hope of having them dies with them. Though painful, it is not comparable to the pain when someone breaks your heart or gives up on u. That becomes a mixture of resentment, pain of loss, hope of ever being happy again and broken trust. I never will wish bad upon anyone let alone on someone I love but the fact that he is still there…living and loving someone else …kills my heart.July 20, 2013 at 6:44 am #38928
Why after so many days does the hope remain? Maybe I have him on a pedestal and think that one day he will realize that he took the coward
s way out by breaking up a serious relationship over the phone and come by to give me closure. Another part of me says because Ilet him off the hook` by forgiving him right away, he doesn’t think its necessary to to do that…?? Either way he is always here in my mind. We did a big romantic trip in may and images of it are swimming in my head always. Yes of course there were many unnecessary silly fights but again he told me that we can work through it. He made me believe That we can fight through everything. I always yearning for that kind of love. The fight for me…love me unconditionally kind of love. Even if I learn to do that for myself…the longing for it from someone else remains. Is there a time line for this suffering?July 20, 2013 at 7:26 am #38929
I’m empathetic to your struggles, and wish happiness and peace for you. This reminds me of a teaching from Zen. You will feel better in 3 months time. If you work really hard at letting the false hope fade, you will feel better in 6 months time. Do you see?
It is like someone who thinks their bottom is too fat, and that makes them depressed. So they go to the freezer and pull out chocolate ice cream to make themselves feel better. Do you see?
Said differently, you were with him, and now you’re alone. This naturally makes you feel lonely. When you feel lonely, you imagine him as the solution to your loneliness, because when you were with him you did not feel alone. But he’s gone, so you feel even more lonely. Its a cycle that you have to let go of! When you feel lonesome, do something else, anything else but travel back in time in your mind and make wishes that you could do that again.
He doesn’t owe you closure in the way you wish it, let go of that one too. Its just more craving for ice cream, because you don’t like the emotions in your body. Perhaps you could cry, scream, get some hugs from your friends, go for a walk, do some meditation, climb a mountain, swim in a lake… but get out of your head and your addiction to that man.
MattJuly 20, 2013 at 9:33 am #38939
You are wise man. I like how you say addiction. I have always been someone that has hard time trusting themselves. This is why I let people who give me even a little bit of attention in my life and heart. I read what you wrote on Crissy’s forum about being molested. I also struggled with that. it was someone who lived in our neighborhood. I was about 6 or 7 and he was 60. he would touch me inappropriately and make me touch him but I never told anyone cause I kept going back to him. He gave me the company I needed. I am youngest of three girls and when I was born my sisters were teenagers. my parents worked hard and they are great but never had time for me. I was very lonely. Fast forward to now. I am very accomplished. I am kind and sweet but I struggle with intimacy. I have let one after another man come in my life and leave me. almost like I am trying to prove myself right. I know that I am bound to be lonely all my life so I keep picking men that will do just that…leave. My ex lived in Italy and we had everything working against us but I worked very hard to make us work cause he gave me the acceptance I always wanted. I know that the acceptance comes from within but I have never been able to get out of the feeling of being left alone when I was young. I can’t let go of the embarrassment. a incident happen one day when I was with that man. some of my other neighboring kids saw us and told me that I was the “dirtiest” girl in the whole world. Of course these kids were 6 and 7 so I can’t fault them for being judgmental. I am pretty good in repressing my memories and the fact that this still is my mind 23 years later tells me that it meant something.
This man that I am so addicted to showed me what love is and than did the opposite of what he showed me….leave. That makes me very sad and makes me not believe in love.July 20, 2013 at 11:42 am #38964
I’m very sorry for the continual isolation you’ve experienced, and questioning love makes sense. It is sometimes difficult to believe, but each of us has a path to joy and fulfillment… we just have to figure out where to place our next footfall. It is difficult sometimes, because the path of joy is said to be one in which we follow our heart, yet our heart seems to have lead us into painful experiences, so how could that be?
When you say that you don’t believe in love, despite the deep sorrw those words represent, they made me smile. Not believe in love? I doubt that is what you are doubting… it would be like not believing in air. Perhaps you doubt that you are worthy of love.
That’s pretty normal, and something many of us struggle with. Perhaps it would be easier to look at it in two different ways. Conditional and unconditional love. Romantic love is a conditional love, where our heart blossoms with great warmth because the conditions are right. He is pretty, attentive, well mannered, committed and so forth, and so romantic love blooms. When those conditions fade or change, the romantic love remains as an echo from the conditions.
Unconditional love is not dependent on conditions. We all have the capacity for it, but most do not spend the time to cultivate that sense. For unconditional love, we have to be able to see beyond appearances into the truth of what is present. Otherwise as soon as painful or confusing conditions arise, we collapse our love into judgement. For instance, those girls who saw unfavorable conditions did not offer you their love… not one of the three of you understood what was really happening, so the love collapsed into a “dirty girl” idea that stuck. Right then, you didn’t have the information to know it was abusive, so their assessment probably seemed more simple than your own. After all, sexual contact is an unusual mix of vulnerability, need, pleasure and connection. That’s a lot for a young girl to experience! Of course you would have confusion… and those girls offered you a very simple picture. That their picture wasn’t true is of little consequence.
Fast forward to now, you think your destiny is to be alone. That is another simple picture which is easier than the confusing one. “What is it that I am doing which prevents the conditions of romantic love for arising?” brings up confusion, where “forever alone” is simple.
Unfortunately for you, you’re a romantic. 🙂 So you’re going to keep trying and trying, because beyond the addiction to “that man”, there is still a heart filled with such bounty that it will push you to share and share and share and share. The good news is as you keep walking the path you’re on, you’re growing into a wise woman. This will help your next relationship be far better than you could have had with the old.
You don’t have to “sort out it all now” because healing is a matter of pulling one thorn out at a time, and giving the time and attention needed to let the wound heal. Settling the inner addiction to male attention is here and now, and you’re already doing well at staying alert to the cycles. Just keep breathing and letting it settle. Even though it feels good and right to let the mind wander on and on, it is actually much kinder to bring your attention back into your body, into the senses… what colors are around you? What sounds do you hear?
Keep asking, keep reaching, keep learning, and you allow the unconditional love in this world to help. We remain poised and curious about developing our heart, and the answers come. Sometimes they are painful and we cry, sometimes funny and we laugh. But we stay open, and over time become the wisdom and love we have been seeking.
MattJuly 20, 2013 at 12:55 pm #38966
Thank you Matt. You are very kind. I am always reading your advice on other forums.
I am trying my best to stay afloat. I know that I am a good person and that I deserve my love. I have never really connected to myself. I went on repressing one bad memory after another and blaming everything that happened to me on my “dirty” girl behavior. After this breakup, I couldn’t find the blame in him. Everyone around me (even my therapist) said that it is 50-50 in a relationship but I refuse to listen. I think I could’ve been kinder to myself and let go of him but the thought of being by myself was more miserable than changing myself for him.
him and I were very different people and ultimately that broke us. After every relationship I try to change myself. I don’t even know myself well enough to know that I am good just the way I am.
I am starting a very open dialog with my mother lately which has been very helpful as she is very close to me. I am continually reading blogs on this site and reading self help books. I even wrote a letter to my ex which I will never send to him but I am not ready to burn it yet. I do have to accept the fact that I loved him. I am also trying to give that love to myself. Him and I had a lot of plans for my home improvements so instead of forgetting about them, I am going ahead with the plan. One of the most painful things about our memories together is the fact that we travelled to beautiful places together but instead of seeing those places as a good travel experience, I keep thinking about him. I went to those places for his company and not the place and because of the pain of those memories, I am repressing them. My very first forum, you told me “stay off the foot” so I keep telling myself that and try not to think about the travels. how do I hang on and forget at the same time? sorry about ranting and ranting but you seem to connect with me with your kind and wise words. I think of those words when I am down. 🙂 thank you for your help.July 20, 2013 at 1:14 pm #38967
Letting go while hanging on must be very confusing! My teacher said that letting go is about working with the emotions skillfully. Imagine the memories and feelings like a powerful wind. When that wind blows up against our house (body) we try to close the front door and keep them out. This is like telling yourself not to think about something, or not feel something. We end up putting all of our weight against the door, and still the wind blows harder.
Instead, we open the back door and let the wind blow right through. This is what we do when we accept that the pain, feelings and memories are present and here, now. Instead of forcing them away, we go and find a chair and sit and let the wind blow right through. The wind isn’t the danger, your sorrow is not the danger. The danger is how much life and vitality you use up when you are trying to keep the front door closed. Said differently, you don’t have to do anything with the emotions… as you breathe they will settle. Finding a chair and sitting down is how we stop ourselves from running around the house afraid that we’ll lose something if we don’t chase the wind. Said differently, there isn’t a need to keep chasing thoughts around your head looking for answers. As you simply notice the thoughts and let them pass through, the emotions will settle with time.
Instead, what’s happening is you’re following the thoughts around until you’re exhausted, or encounter an unsolvable puzzle (over the phone, that’s not good enough!!) and then all of your vitality goes right into the puzzle. Then, oops! Where’d sapna go?
Ajahn Jayasaro has a counting breath meditation on YouTube that will help with your concentration, so you’re not being run by your mind. Instead, you can do something different. Consider how much beauty is around you (that you can’t see) because your mind sucks all of your attention into the past! Its OK, but you deserve way better.
MattJuly 21, 2013 at 8:01 am #38988
Thanks again. It feel lighter to have told you what I have a hard time sharing with anyone. I have suffered through depression and mood disorder as of my adult years and
that manknew I was going through that. I couldn’t ever tell him about my childhood episode. He didnt understand depression so i didn’t think he would care for child molestation. also i didnt want sympathy. Anyways why I am telling you this is because I am trying to watch my thinking but dreams are now surfacing and in order to stop them I have to wake up like force wake up. I saw a live dream today about my ex and how he said he wasn’t going anywhere. He was here to stay. He was just testing me and we are made for one another. Can a person control their dreams? Also I see that my addiction to this is like any other addictions but I have never been addicted to anything so I don’t know how to let go this one. What can I read to learn more about this? I can’t have anymore as sleepless nights.
Always seeking guidance
Sapna (ironically it means dream)