July 21, 2013 at 9:02 am #38990
That reminds me of a story regarding Ananda. He was a close friend of the Buddha, and was at his side during most of his teachings. After the Buddha died, Ananda wept for the loss of his dear friend and teacher. But a deeper weeping set upon Ananda as he realized that in all those years, after hearing the dharma from Buddha on countless occasions he had not yet become enlightened. He wept at the loss of his own freedom, because the teacher was now gone. All night he cried, and in the morning became enlightened. He had placed the ability to awaken on the Buddha, and with him gone had no where to turn but inside, where he found his peace.
Perhaps you’ve been putting the keys to your happiness in the hands of your partner. I wonder if the exhusband is that voice inside that says you cannot do it alone, that someone out here controls your fate. This is not the case. Perhaps the relationships you’ve had continue to arise like they do because even though they are painful, they feel more like home than your own heart. In the heart is pure potential, where, with freedom on our breath we step with courage into the unknown. Just because the ex husband says that you cannot change, grow, become… means nothing unless you agree with him. If you don’t, it is simply his lack of clear seeing and compassion. Why make it about you?
Consider that there is a seed of the Buddha in each of us, and that seed needs only rain and water. There is no such thing as “broken beyond repair” or “worthless”. There is the seed, and then the soil in which it is buried. As your heart grows its roots outward, it is normal to uncover what has been holding us back from joy. The dream is perhaps that soil, which nourishes the seed. Said differently, you know it was only a dream, and yet it was vivid and potent. As you let go of this notion that other people determine your fate, the exhusband loses his power over your emotions and becomes fuel for growth. Where else in the waking world does the ex husband still have a grip?
Seeing it is enough, its OK to let it go. The exhusband is also the Buddha, and in all these years next to him you haven’t awakened, and so create him over and over. Let it go, he holds no keys for you. Those are in the trees and the wind, the song of change and growth all around you. As you sit and let him go, what was lost is found. The pain of sorrow is only there to wake us up. Then we can let go, we can see what connection to cut, what view to abandon.
Pema Chodron has a great book “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times” that may strike you well. Namaste.
MattJuly 21, 2013 at 9:15 am #38991
When I said the seed needs rain and water, I meant rain and sun. The rain being self nurturing, such as equanimity meditation, nature walks, hugs from friends and so forth. The sun is concentration, willingness to look at what is sustaining our patterns, insight and so forth. Courage to look, strength to let it go. :). Namaste.July 21, 2013 at 8:31 pm #39035Sapnap3Participant
Wow once again you have guided me to see within. You are right, every relationship in my life (however painful) has been sustained by me because I would like to be with anyone but me. I have been cruel to myself and now I need to be on a journey to forgive myself. My ex had a profound effect on me because when I met him I thought I was ok being alone. I thought I was finally on my way to accept myself. As we got closer, I started letting me go. I started liking how it felt with him over how it felt without him…alone. This pain and shame in my heart about myself has consumed my being. I took a Hinduism class in school and had a brilliant professor who learned under hindu Brahmins in India. Learning from the old Hindu scripters, I learned that we are the center of our universe. We make everything happen in our life and In this world. My ex use to say those words to me and I thought “wow…finally found someone on the same wave length”. what I failed to ignore is that I was never on that level. (neither was he but who knows). I am starting to meditate now and keeping what you said about the seed and rain and sun…I hope to become the person I was always meant to be. Happy! I should be thankful for the fact that I have been blessed with a curious mind and a compassionate heart.
Thank you again for your great words. they stay with me whenever I forget how lucky I am to have had this experience.July 21, 2013 at 9:26 pm #39036
Its great to hear that things are settling! Sometimes our obstacles are potent, but with a courage to look at them, and as Alanis Morissette said about discernment “hold close and let go and know what to do which.”
Don’t forget to play, that’s where find our passion. Our inner child is still alive and likes to play, is wiser in its aim, but still full of vibrant joy. Find what brings you passion, and if it helps other people, all the better! If we become too serious, the world looks darker around us because that inner vibrancy is diminished.
Do you have any hobbies?
Here’s one of my favorite Zen jokes:
With the first sip of tea, acceptance.
With the second sip of tea, awareness.
With the third sip of tea, a cookie!
MattJuly 22, 2013 at 5:23 am #39050Sapnap3Participant
Namaste Matt. Tatvamasi.
I do have many hobbies. Volunteering is one of them. In my grief one of the best things I have done is sign up for many volunteering events. By far my favorite is the nursing home. There is this feeling of impermanence there that makes me feel sad at first but liberated. My reaction to my breakup has had profound effects on my mother cause before this happened, she thought I was invincible. She is saddened cause she thinks after her no one will look after me. But I have been talking to her in a regular basis to let her know that I have the strength to pull through and be better after this. 🙂 …being a very traditional Indian woman she struggles with my
my wayattitude but she is doing better than excepted. That’s all we all can do…try to understand one another and be compassionate.