Hi.

This feels really similar to what I have experienced. I have talked to my mom and best friend about this, but I am super confused. I had a dream that I was gay a month or two ago, and I can’t get it out of my head. I never thought I was gay, and I have only been attracted to men. I have read up on HOCD, and the symptoms match me, but then I am also worried that I am gay and I’m in denial because of internalized homophobia. Some people have thought I was gay, but this never really bothered me. I have thought girls were pretty, but I have never wanted to date them. I once googled a naked actress, but I was not attracted to her at all. I also have these things I call “mind movies” which are basically consistent scenarios. In one scenario I had an identical twin sister who was lesbian, but I was always straight. My mom says that I don’t have to figure anything out now, but the confusion and stress have made me cry myself to sleep multiple times. I also tried to tell myself that maybe I was lesbian or bi now, but that just made me more anxious and cry more. I have never been homophobic. In fact, that is why my “twin sister” was a lesbian. I was worried my mind was not including enough gay people. I am young and I have not started dating, so this could be why I am confused. But I am honestly really sad that I might have lost the possibility of a husband or boyfriend. In my “mind movies” I had this one dream guys and I loved him and the idea of him so much. I am really sad that have lost the possibility of dating someone like him. I have tried to replace my scenarios with a girl, but the thought does not make me happy. My mind keeps telling me to look at any girl’s boobs which makes me feel super uncomfortable. I don’t feel attracted to them. My mind also told me that I have had a crush on my friends and a girl who used to bully me, and this makes me more stressed and confused. I feel like if I was gay, I’d be ok with it. But I don’t feel like I am gay. I don’t watch porn, but I do read smut. Like I said my mind is telling I am attracted to literally every girl, and another part of my mind is telling me not to fall for it. I have had pretty bad intrusive thoughts before and I need help.