Well, I mean she would use a tragic, grave and emotionally charged tone, I really don’t know how to explain

• I remember as a child we were alone driving in car and out of the blue I asked her if I was different from others. This started a very heavy, long discussion in which she expressed concern for this question of mine (I can’t recall what she said, I can only remember she kept on this topic til we got home and I got to bed and I can recall her in the end asking what is that I needed, “maybe a more present, stay-in home mom?” I can also only remember that in my opinion I asked a very innocent simple answer but that she kept on dwelling on this half of the day)
• When I was 12 I was just minding my business in afternoon til she called upon me and started sharing that she always saw me as “sad and lonely” that I only had “1 friend” and stuff like this. I remember not taking it very lightly cause it made me feel shitty with myself and uncomfortable. I already intuitively felt like she projects sadness and loneliness and negativity everywhere and on everyone btw
• One evening me and my sister started to argue/fight pretty roughly and she kicked in by slapping us both and causing both of us to go to sleep crying. The next morning I was very enraged with her but she was the first talking saying “thanks for making me spend the nicest/happiest Easter evening of my life” sarcastically
• She yelling that she was “going to wake in 1/2 hours” those few times I get home pretty late in summer! Crying like something tragic and serious happened while to me it just wasn’t that big deal
• I also recall her being dramatic in general not only with me. Feeling sick physically but lamenting it without properly medicating, doing tragic facial expressions, crying whenever we cried, expressing through facial expressions and moaning how exhausted she was from work, duties, poor health, etc etc

Your experiences reasonate a lot, I’d also say yours may have been even more serious. But it resonates. My mind makes a mess out of things, it plays funny things to me. It’s like I have a hard time understanding or grasping patterns or logics I see in my environments, or stuff and conversations around me. I do manage to do some practical things but I am in autopilot mode a lot, my mind works on repetition and autopilot, manages to figure out or resolve stuff before I understand exactly what pattern or logic I used. Sometimes I have to tell myself what I’m doing exactly and where I am, not that I don’t know but to be really aware of what im doing (es: going for a walk and checking some books after sitting down for some minutes and feeling too restless). My mind does messes and chaos out of reality, but I almost always land on my feet if you know what I mean.

 let me know what it is, quote that part or parts in my post to you and tell me what about it made you think or feel that it was condescending or insincere etc.

I certainly will, thanks! By the way, I feel very shitty today. I just realized I spent a whole day doing pretty much nothing. Sometimes it shocks me how hours do pass me by like this. I try to study, or hang out, do my chores but then my mind shifts away to nowhere in particular

I guess I feel like I am considered difficult or weird to handle and this gets projected on others. I have an image of how others may see me all the time with all kinds of unpleasant considerations others may use. In the past I had people who gave me the impression to trying to give me advices and support while actually being condescending and using faux consideration to subtly put me down or treat me like trash, I guess this always sticks with me in my mind

I mean that I seem defined by my anger or my anger issues everywhere I go, but this has more to do with how I feel personally than someone else really defining me (I hope it makes sense!) Just like I also feel defined by my clumsiness, detachment, incapacity or invisibility in interpersonal settings. Soon or later someone will point out these things in me whether explicitly or not and so my interactions always follow same patterns and feelings

Seeing a reflection of self in my parents wasn’t something I quite much considered. What confuses me is that when I was little I didn’t really have a bad consideration of my mom, even thought I’m revealing flaws or bad aspects in her parenting that I really didn’t in my childhood. Definitely I already sensed heaviness and toxicity in her so that might have definitely influenced my moods and sense of self today. Don’t know if I already told it, but in my inner healing journey, I came to the conclusion that what my inner child/child self lack(ed) was joy and lightness. Something pretty much never granted from such a melodramatic mother but that should be a basic right/need for every child, cause children need to be light-hearted and carefree. Even thought inside of me I don’t feel like an adult yet, despite being physically adult, I neither see myself and neither saw myself as carefree or light-hearted, not even as a child

Sometimes I feel like I could kill people with words or I feel like I am possessed by some evil cruel energy. If I am provoked, I like to be mean or sharp with others