Interesting question. Yes I guess every child is but I also have to admit someone shrug it off a lot more easily

My life has been pretty ordinary tbh. In my early life, I travelled a lot because of my mother work, so around me being 3 to 5 years old. I remember that I was a very imaginatively and artsy kid, I was obsessed with drawing, playing on the PC and was obsessed with animals. I was a homebody and I remember my mother being concerned about me loving home more than going out, she thought something was off but I genuinely had more fun at home than going out. My maternal school peers were kinda unstable, at times they wanted me to play, other times they rejected me. When I learned to read and write that was ALL I did, I was obsessed with reading and was kinda of an intellectual, but sucked at math, I guess that added to my subconscious shame. I felt shamed that I was better at art or literate than I was to math, I felt stupid. When I was 6 to 9 years old, my peers and classmates overwhelmed me with their desire for me to draw stuff to them, then I kinda stopped growing up cause I didn’t have that much inspiration and I guess everyone was kinda sick with me drawing all the time. At school this unstablity I found in my mates towards me kept going on, they were friends at times, other times enemies. I have a temper so often teachers lamented that I was very short fused. What do you think about it so far?

it’s an interesting question because before my mental health struggles, I didn’t necessarily think something was inherently wrong with me (so, before me being 16 or so) at least not consciously?

Yes I had issues with envy, comparison, social anxiety and being more interested in fantasy that real world but I didn’t find them that bad nor I found them that hard to get past to, maybe it was because I was very young and I knew I was very young and had all the time to develop into something that would made me proud.

Then my ocd hit me, the my depersonalization hit me, then I found that my compulsive seek into trying to stop weird habits and become something new wasn’t successful at all, me getting unnecessary intense emotions on crushes and stuff wasn’t normal at all, me noticing that I could no longer define my symptoms by well defined mental disorders but simply finding that my mind and my self just functioned in weird, twisted ways wasn’t encouraging at all.

It’s like I was on a path to develop nicely but then I went for another, sideline path and my whole self got twisted and sick, fucking up my identity and my roots.

This is how I feel

I’m interested in your input as long as you’re interested in offering it to me. I don’t think another thread is necessary. I get your point but the truth is that me trying to protect my mother image has stopped a few years ago, being more detached from her (even if we live in the same house) has allowed me to start relying emotionally on myself more than on everyone else. I admit it’s not been easy, but call it adulthood or whatever, I’ve stopped seeing my parents as the safe place and I’m seeking it in myself cause life has took me at this point. So it’s not that difficult to objectively seeing my mother, at least it’s not as difficult as it was before

I also mentioned on this forum once how I went through an explicit bullyism episode when I was 18 and my teachers explicitly victim blamed me. Telling in a sugar coated way that if I wasn’t such a weird girl maybe this wouldn’t be happen to me and that I should be “stronger” and not cry and so be “thin skinned”

I agree on your opinion about feeling “sexually deviant’. But by shame and embarrassment I don’t feel like referring only to sexual shame and embarrassment, I don’t feel much sexual shame (weird, I know) but a more broad kind of shame.. my opinion is that my harassment as a child caused me so much embarrassment (especially in those moments) that still linger on especially in social or interpersonal situations. What do you think about it?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I recognize that for a LGBT woman it has to be even harder to fight against feeling outcastes or misunderstood. I hear you. Hope things are better now. And yes, what you said about bullying affecting you even if you don’t notice it it’s true, I had mild episodes of bullyism in my life since a very early age and I can’t say it didn’t plague my subconscious

Reading about your experiences I understand it had to be really hard for you. I’m sorry that you felt so much alone. I hope things are better now

I’m going past the need to define myself, I’m going past the ego but everyone around me is still fixed on this stuff. They try so hard to define themselves on certain terms, certain boxes, and they act so defensive when they feel it’s threatened. Not that I’m better by any means, I get defensive and project a lot myself but I can say certainly that I’m a lot more aware of my bias than years ago. I think that adds on me feeling unable to connect, I think way different than the average person (not to sound like a snowflake or anything)