I have a question, what do you think is the best way to see and process what is that happened in one’s childhood? Because I feel like working everyday on healing techniques is only half the work isn’t it? Is there’s a particular attitude you think I should have about this childhood turmoil of mine that you clearly feel like I don’t always validate?

I actually feel like I’m being mindful of most the concepts you’ve brought about me: the Histrionic personality about my mother and the Magnifying Glass in my mind because of her influence, her being so insufferable to cause a chronic cringey feeling in me. I know it, and yes it’s true I should go back to the read about it all because you’ve spend a significant amount of time and dedication on me and my issues and I value it all.

I value it because even if you aren’t here with me to see it in my everyday life, I am mindful of when there’s that “Magnifying Glass” putting my feelings and thoughts to the extreme, I am mindful to stop and try to make my distorted thoughts more rational and less extreme, I am mindful of the 4 steps of correcting feeling though and behavior that you shared. Or your link about guided meditation. I’m sorry if you think I ignore your advices, I try to apply them a little almost everyday and yes, I know I may sound dense or stubborn about my childhood being normal I don’t even know myself why I do it.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Gaia.

1. My childhood experience wasn’t abnormal, not compared to people who had violent parents, unstable households, sexual abuse, early responsabilities, wars and starving. I just remember I was already an uhappy child, I was unhappy because I wished I could be one of those fantasy main characters finding a magic place and finding their own place. I really longed for that, my heart literally ached.

2. I think about this a lot, believe me. The more I think about my childhood, the more I can’t make sense out of myself and why I am brought up like this. I can’t recall a significant thing that should legitimate my anger now.

3. I express myself a lot better by writing that I do talking, and you are particularly detail oriented and analytical, I guess this helped making this thread possible

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Gaia.

Dear Anita

Today it hit me again how much of my youth I’ve wasted and keep wasting, it doesn’t help that Valentine’s day is in a few days and I’ll spend it without a significant other like I did since forever. I know it’s a silly capitalist holiday but it really succeds in making you feel shitty. Sometimes I feel like one of my closest friends pities me somehow, she has quite a mysoginist view I can barely stand and sometimes I feel like me being single and unexperienced is shameful. She’s obsessed with looking like a good girl and along with her mother, is always calling other women sluts and whores. They have a pretty much degradating view of women like they still believe in virginity checks and stuff like that. I honestly believe her mother is abusive and brainwashed her all life in believing that her only purpose is to commit to someone else and be a good girl. I’m sorry for it, my friend is a good person, I only wish I could make her understand there’s other in life besides not looking like a whore or being a good girl.

By the way, sometimes I feel like by trying to change my mindset and feelings is a waste time, sometimes I even think I should kill myself because my life is a wasted life and will always be wasted. I feel in cage, and since I feel frustration increasing in me and have no one else to say these things beside on this thread, I started throwing things (only clothes, don’t worry) around my room to express myself somehow

Dear Anita

I Always defined “living more” as doing more= more experiences, activities, people to know and hang out with, things or relationships accomplished, places I’ve been with, feelings I’ve experienced, both joy and pain

This “doing more” Anthem has been the curse of my existence, so I actually like the idea of living as simply to feel calm, or joyful,

I’m practicing staying with my feelings and accept whatever I feel, I try to fix my thoughts using the rational approach that you suggested, I’m fairly good at it. One thing about myself is that I either am overwhelmed by certain feelings or don’t feel nothing at all. Blank. This scares me sometimes. For example, I’ve done a Inner Child Guided Meditation and got aquainted with the inner child concept (well yes, I like psycho-spiritual things) and whenever I read about people crying about doing these things I can’t help but notice how I either feel totally blank or like the inner child inside of me is basically non existent, a bit like my soul.

Dear Anita

I’ve re-read some of your replies on how to manage feelings and behaviors and on The Magnifying Glass. One thing I’m specifically trying is to show myself empathy and staying mindful of the present moment by accepting whatever I’m feeling and the reality around me.

I’ve also another, personal, input: the way I live is very “in-my-mind”, on autopilot, dissociated, celebral. These are the words I felt like saying, and instinctively I’d also suggest that what I need is break from electronic devices, be more aware of the world around me, slow down, be mindful. I’ve mentioned other times to you how I don’t even feel like a person, everything that makes a person a person (hobbies, relationships, experiences, opinions, likes and dislikes…) Feels shattered, arrested, out of center, existent &non existent in and out of me. These words I’m using are very instinctive. I definitely feel the need to look at myself in the eyes, connect, feel tangibly and in a solid way what makes me me and not just let it races around in my mind. Did you also feel like this? What do you think about it?

Dear Anita

Then empathy for yourself, insert thoughts such as: I am not a crybaby, I am suffering. I need to help myself, to calm myself, to de-escalate, hush… sweet Gaia, sh… it will be okay. You will see. I will feel better soon. Sh

I try to talk kindly to myself or re-parent myself but I usually either abandon good habits/routines I  was starting to build or start hating myself again. This has been the cycle of a lifetime: trying to change my mindset or routine but always failing after 1/2 weeks or even after a few days. I’m trying to accept this and not be too rigid, I feel bad that I commit to positive healing journeys but never truly stay consistent with them

Dear Anita

So did you also need emotion regulation? How did it work for you, what steps it required?