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My extreme feelings kill me

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This topic contains 383 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Gaia 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #337330

    Gaia
    Participant

    What do I think about it… I think that you better do what I am doing but way sooner than I started, and that is: do all that you can do to lower and lower that suffering. To put it in a different way: do all that you can do every day to die a little less and live a little more.

    How would you personally define to “live a little more” and what is to you “dying a little less”?

    #337404

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    live a little more= often feel calm, sometimes feel joy.

    die a little less= feel less and less distress, suffer less and less.

    anita

    #337442

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I Always defined “living more” as doing more= more experiences, activities, people to know and hang out with, things or relationships accomplished, places I’ve been with, feelings I’ve experienced, both joy and pain

    This “doing more” Anthem has been the curse of my existence, so I actually like the idea of living as simply to feel calm, or joyful,

    I’m practicing staying with my feelings and accept whatever I feel, I try to fix my thoughts using the rational approach that you suggested, I’m fairly good at it. One thing about myself is that I either am overwhelmed by certain feelings or don’t feel nothing at all. Blank. This scares me sometimes. For example, I’ve done a Inner Child Guided Meditation and got aquainted with the inner child concept (well yes, I like psycho-spiritual things) and whenever I read about people crying about doing these things I can’t help but notice how I either feel totally blank or like the inner child inside of me is basically non existent, a bit like my soul.

     

    #337448

    Gaia
    Participant

    Also, I used to feel like I was born to either live in a fantasy world doing epic things or in this world with totally different lifestyles, like certain attitudes, music, experiences fit me so naturally, but I am not fit for them (don’t know if this sentence written out to someone else that isn’t me makes sense) I guess that’s also where my feeling of not belonging or of being fragmented comes from: not only I feel detached from certain roots, it’s also like I have several different (unlived) potentials and identities that never saw the light so that’s how I feel about myself: something both existing and not, a lot of things that could have been, could be, that never was.

    #337450

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    No, no, living more is not about doing more, not in my book. There is a saying: we are human-beings, not human-doings. It is about that being- being calmer, not distressed and suffering. it is not about doing more.

    “I either am overwhelmed by certain feelings or don’t feel nothing at all. Blank”- the brain/body automatically shuts down when it feels too intensely. So what you experience is the usual, natural.

    “I either feel totally blank or like the inner child inside of me is basically non existent, a bit like my soul”- I feel your inner child/ soul as I type these words, and before too. I can see you, in my mind’s eye, you do exist, as a child and as a soul. You are way, way more than a thinking automation of sorts.

    It is exciting for me to imagine you seeing this inner child/ soul yourself, seeing you, that is, for who you are!

    anita

     

    #337454

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Just read your second post and will reply to it: I think I understand fantasy, lived in it for so long as a teenager at least, maybe longer. When life in the real world available to us is too difficult and unpleasant, we turn to fantasy, simply because we are able to imagine a better life, or a series of better lives, in worlds where we do  fit, unlike the one where we are alone and feeling too abnormal to fit.

    I had to give up of those “several different (unlived) potentials and identities” when healed enough, so to continue to heal, and instead live the one life that was available to me best I can, being who I am. And who I am is not at all who I thought I was (a nobody that required substitute identities).

    anita

    #337746

    Gaia
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Today it hit me again how much of my youth I’ve wasted and keep wasting, it doesn’t help that Valentine’s day is in a few days and I’ll spend it without a significant other like I did since forever. I know it’s a silly capitalist holiday but it really succeds in making you feel shitty. Sometimes I feel like one of my closest friends pities me somehow, she has quite a mysoginist view I can barely stand and sometimes I feel like me being single and unexperienced is shameful. She’s obsessed with looking like a good girl and along with her mother, is always calling other women sluts and whores. They have a pretty much degradating view of women like they still believe in virginity checks and stuff like that. I honestly believe her mother is abusive and brainwashed her all life in believing that her only purpose is to commit to someone else and be a good girl. I’m sorry for it, my friend is a good person, I only wish I could make her understand there’s other in life besides not looking like a whore or being a good girl.

    By the way, sometimes I feel like by trying to change my mindset and feelings is a waste time, sometimes I even think I should kill myself because my life is a wasted life and will always be wasted. I feel in cage, and since I feel frustration increasing in me and have no one else to say these things beside on this thread, I started throwing things (only clothes, don’t worry) around my room to express myself somehow

    #337784

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Everything I write to you is not aimed at making you feel shitty (an adjective you like to use, so I am using it to make a point to you). I will never write to you anything with the thought: I hope this makes Gaia feel shitty! As a matter of fact, I am keeping it in my mind to be careful best I can to not  make you feel shitty. On the other hand, I know that no matter how hard I try, some things that I write to you will make you feel shitty. The reason for that is the following (and the following may make you feel shitty): too many things make you feel shitty, and a lot of things make you feel very, very shitty.

    The only way I can avoid writing things that will make you feel shitty is not write to you at all. But I don’t want that, so I keep writing.

    Now, what I mean by too many things make you feel shitty, and many things make you feel very, very shitty (it is the same for me, but I am making great progress on the matter): your brain is like a minefield, that is, a field where bombs are placed just below the ground, and when a vehicle drives above ground, a bomb right underneath it explodes. Later another vehicle drives and another bomb explodes, and so on. So you end up in a frequent state of explosions: feeling shitty and often feeling very shitty.

    The underground area is like your brain (your thoughts and emotions); the vehicles driving above ground are words & tone of voice you hear, sights you see, body sensations you experience (ex., pain, gas), and sometimes a touch, a taste or a smell. But not only things you hear or see in real life, but memories and visuals of things you heard and seen.

    An example from your recent post: you heard the words Valentine Day– that’s the vehicle driving above ground, what exploded is this bomb: the thoughts: “I’ll spend it without a significant other like I did since forever”, “how much of my youth I’ve wasted and keep wasting”, “my closest friends pities me somehow”, “me being single and unexperienced is shameful”, and more and more thoughts. And the emotion: “making you feel shitty”.

    Then another vehicle drives above ground and that is your memories of words  you heard your friend and her mother say: “always calling other women sluts and whores”, and another bomb explodes, more thoughts, ex., “They have a pretty much degrading view of women”), another shitty feeling, angry and whatnot.

    Here is what I mean by you feeing very shitty: “trying to change my mindset and feelings is a waste of time, sometimes I even think I should kill myself because my life is a wasted life and will always  be wasted. I feel in a cage”.

    There is a term to having a minefield kind of brain: over arousal, we get overly aroused, overly excited when hearing a word or remembering words said and so on.

    What can be done about it, the best possible way to go about it (if you have the means and if such as available to you): you make an appointment with a responsible and excellent psychotherapist for an evaluation. After a few sessions, if the psychotherapist is also a medical doctor, she (or he) may prescribe you with a psychiatric medication so to tranquilize that very active minefield/ to soothe that overly aroused brain. If the psychotherapist is not a medical doctor, she may refer you to a medical doctor/ psychiatrist and she will communicate with that psychiatrist over time. The purpose of the psychiatric medication is short term, to soothe or calm that overly aroused brain for a short time while you work with the psychotherapist on soothing your brain without medications.

    The psychotherapist will introduce you to mindful guided meditations to do daily, as well as recommend that you exercise daily, and in sessions, the therapist and you will examine your relationships with family members, understand how these early life relationships affected you, how you responded and so on, that’s called insight. Understanding better will calm your overly aroused brain. All this will take, I am guessing, at least six months of twice a week, or more therapy sessions, to make a difference, and then you will need to see that therapist less frequently, and eventually once a month so to maintain the progress, for about three years, I am guessing.

    I will stop here for now and submit it so that this post is not too long, but I will write you more shortly.

    anita

    #337788

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    Let’s look at this bomb: “how much of my youth I’ve wasted and keep wasting”- this is a huge bomb that you expressed before, and it makes you feel very, very, very… very, very, very shitty. And it explodes often and every time that it does, you suffer a whole lot.

    Now, I can spend ten hours telling you otherwise, things like: but Gaia, you are so young, you still have decades of life in you, or I can say: well, why waste more? Or I can say: I too wasted my life, or what about people who died when they were babies, they only had a few days… and so  on.

    What chances do you think I have to neutralize that bomb so it doesn’t explode with the next vehicle driving over it?

    My answer  to my question: zero chances. Because it is not my voice and my words that cause the explosion, it is the voice and words that are already in your brain, lying below the surface, ready to explode when something above ground triggers it.. and so many vehicles trigger it.

    But there is a way to neutralize that bomb (and other bombs), only it takes time and work, and you probably need professional help, just like I did and received for two years (2011-2013) and that just started me on the healing path.

    I used to say how much I wished I could get my brain out and have a new brain implanted in me,  one with no bombs, oh how great that would be!

    Thing is, if you understand what is happening, you will feel better. The bombs will still be there, but you will also feel hope that life can feel and be so much better, and that hope will give you the motivation to do the work needed patiently and persistently over a long period of time. So there will be bombs, but then there will also be hope, and every improvement you experience will strengthen that hope.

    Back  to the particular bomb, the thought and very, very shitty feelings involved with the thought of you wasting your life so far: you are correct, a whole lot of your life was wasted and there will be more waste to come. There is great sadness in knowing this, isn’t it, a great pain. Let the pain be, throw clothes around your room if you need to, hit a pillow with your fist, accept that pain because no one can remove it from you, not for long.  I am suggesting this because I have done it myself. Before I accepted this pain, I resisted it, and the turmoil was intense.

    Read and re-read these two posts of today, and tell me: is what I posted to you today of any help to you? Your honesty will not be punished, I promise you.

    anita

    #337792

    Gaia
    Participant

    Anita

    You’re right, many many things make me feel shitty and since childhood, I often wonder why. Nope, not necessarily in a self pitying/loathing way but in a neutral, objective way, why anger and negativity is my default state? I hope not to sound like I’m falling in comparison once again but I’m particularly aggressive or opinionated compared to others, who have a more carefree or fun oriented attitude, especially people my age.

    I know how working with professionals works because I already experienced it in my teen years to treat my OCD. A few years later I abandoned my meds because me and my parents believed there were no longer useful and because my psychiatrist only worked with minors so it was time for me to let go of her (I was 18, at this point). For a while, I also worked with a psychologist, one of the very few available in my very little town. She was good overall but not the type of person I would confide with the stuff I say here, I also guess I’m not very good at expressing myself in real life especially since my turmoils are very vague and not always easy to articulate.

    As you know I’m still in uni and financially dependant on my parents, the last thing I want now is to open the debate on my mental health once again, however I made a promise to myself that the first thing I will do once financially independent, is to start working with a psychotherapist. Finding someone that can understand you and is fit for your specific issues isn’t exactly an easy search, surely not in my zone.

    #337802

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I am glad to read that you promised yourself that once you are financially independent from your parents, that you will seek quality psychotherapy. I have a couple of questions for you:

    1. If you are “particularly aggressive.. compared to others, who have a more carefree or fun oriented attitude”- do you think the difference is because you were born with an abnormal brain or do you think that your childhood experience was abnormal, compared to others?

    2. “why anger and negativity is my default state?”- do you think it is so because you were born angry and negative or do you think you acquired anger and negativity during your childhood?

    3. “I’m not very good at expressing myself in real life especially since my turmoils are very vague and not always easy to articulate”- do you feel that as a result of our communication here, you expressed yourself less vaguely and that I understood you not in a vague way, but specifically and accurately, or not?

    anita

    #337816

    Gaia
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    1. My childhood experience wasn’t abnormal, not compared to people who had violent parents, unstable households, sexual abuse, early responsabilities, wars and starving. I just remember I was already an uhappy child, I was unhappy because I wished I could be one of those fantasy main characters finding a magic place and finding their own place. I really longed for that, my heart literally ached.

    2. I think about this a lot, believe me. The more I think about my childhood, the more I can’t make sense out of myself and why I am brought up like this. I can’t recall a significant thing that should legitimate my anger now.

    3. I express myself a lot better by writing that I do talking, and you are particularly detail oriented and analytical, I guess this helped making this thread possible

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Gaia.
    #337830

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    In your most recent post you wrote that you believe that your childhood was not abnormal, that you were born an unhappy child (“My childhood experience wasn’t abnormal.. I was already an unhappy child”), that you were unhappy not because of anything that happened in your childhood, but because you weren’t a fantasy character (“I was unhappy because I wished I could be  one of those fantasy main characters”). In other words, your childhood has nothing to do with your current distress, is what you believe.

    You also wrote that you can’t recall anything at all about your childhood that will explain your current anger (“I can’t recall a significant thing that should legitimate my anger now”).

    And you wrote that you express yourself a lot better in writing than you do talking, and suggested that my input in your thread made it possible for you to express yourself here in writing.

    Now my input: I repeatedly expressed to you in your threads my belief that your childhood has a whole lot to do with your years long anger and distress. But you don’t share my belief. I will respect this difference in core beliefs and therefore I will stop repeating to you my core belief: I will no longer try to encourage you to examine your childhood and acquire insight into how I believe it formed you.

    Because the only benefit to you in this thread is to express yourself in writing (or typing, more accurately), I do encourage you to keep doing so.

    Earlier today, you wrote: “I feel frustration increasing in me and have no  one else to say these things beside on this thread”-  please do say anything you need to say, express your thoughts and feelings, vent, right here on your thread, and every time you do, when I am on the computer, I will reply to you by mirroring you, which means I will type back to you some of what you shared, so you can see that I heard you.

    anita

    #337836

    Gaia
    Participant

    It’s not that I don’t want to believe you, I know my upbringing wasn’t perfect or my parents were, I know very well they were problematic on certain fronts so any input from you about how my childhood affects me now is absolutely always welcomed. The issue is more about me, in the sense I can’t see how any of that is still enough for me to be like this now.

    #337838

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    “any input from you about how my childhood affects me now is absolutely always welcomed”- all my input is in these 18 pages of your thread, it’s all there, a whole lot about how your childhood affects you. You are welcome to read our previous communications on this thread, it’s all there.

    And according to my input to you in these pages, input that I repeated again and again, I can see how all of that is “enough for you to be like this now”.

    I am disappointed that none of my input to you so far regarding the connection between your childhood and your years long and ongoing distress has reached you, it is frustrating to me. But like I promised you, I will not punish you for being honest with me and letting me know that indeed none of my input has touched you. I will not end my communication with you because of that, and instead I am sharing with you honestly how I feel, so it is the two of us expressing how we feel honestly and respectfully.

    So I figure it is futile for me to repeat again and again.. and yet again, the same analyses, the same thoughts, the same understanding when all you have to do if you were interested in it, is read it.

    Also, I understand how difficult it is to see what we don’t want to see, what we resist seeing.

    Like I wrote, do post anytime, I do want to read from you and I will reply to you every time you post, as long as you are respectful to me as I am to you.

    anita

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