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October 19, 2016 at 4:45 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118517
Brav3ParticipantAshley,
Interesting quote.
Who are you? Who are you without them?
Who are we without our Bf or Gf or kids or parents or friends? Are we just someone’s something? Someone’s partner, someone’s blah blah….is that all?
You are only defined by you not by the people around you.
Brav3
October 19, 2016 at 4:39 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118516Brav3ParticipantPrakashraj,
Yes, there are millions and millions of people going through the same issues, regardless of their age. I remember watching a documentary on loneliness where I saw a teenage girl in school, a guy who moved to new city for studies, a young girl going through breakup, a young lady who’s been single for a long time, and few old people feeling loneliness and were suffering.
In eastern philosophy, loneliness is an expression of ego/self where one assume himself/herself as ‘poor little lonely self pity me’ and look for meaning externally. If instead of looking externally, we sit with this feeling and look inside our own very mind, we will be able to see that it disappears very fast. If we go further deep, we will find sacred silence or peace.
Coming back to higher self esteem or worthiness. When we value ourselves highly, we do not feel desperate to find relationship, we definitely do not stay in unhealthy relationship. Why? Because we feel more content just by valuing ourselves. Therefore, our feelings do not take over from our reasoning and we take smart choices in life. Also, when we value ourselves highly we see no need to fit in or others.
Can you see, its all attached to each other.
October 19, 2016 at 4:09 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118514Brav3ParticipantHi Jay-me,
What happened in your past, is your past. You made mistakes, like every other human being does on this planet. Its gone, its over. Do not look at your past and think ‘If I could have done this or that’, you cannot change your past and you cannot get rid of it either. You basically see your mistakes as something very normal, nothing more and you stop every single time when your inner voice critic beats you down for your mistakes.
When there’s a cycle of dating wrong people again and again, there’s something we are missing that’s meant to be learn. What we feel about ourselves, we project out to this world. When we do not value ourselves or have poor self worth, we project that to the world and attract certain people. Similarly, when we are happy with ourselves and have higher self esteem, we project that out and attract certain type. What you perceive in your external world is just a reflection of your inner world.
So, solution is simple. Give up the idea that there’s something out their that will make you happy or make you feel worthy of love. Look deeply inside, work on your mind so that you feel worthy and loved without anyone or anything. When you start getting close to that, you will break the delusions. Then, everything will falls into its place on its own.
Source of your happiness and your suffering is inside you .
October 18, 2016 at 11:29 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118472Brav3ParticipantAdding to my OP, here’s another concept I want to share.
You and only you can value or give worth to yourself. Actions of other people are not the measurement of your worth. So, think deeply and ask yourself are you worthy? If you hear your inner voice says ‘no’ then time to work on yourself. Because for me, you are and have always been worthy.
October 18, 2016 at 11:20 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118471Brav3ParticipantHi Janet,
I am glad my post helped you in some way.
It takes alot of courage to walk away from a 4 years of relationship. So, hats off to you.
To be honest, I never understood the idea of reconciliation but that’s just me. Broken romantic relationship are like broken glass, you only cut yourself if you try to put them together. Again, that’s what my opinion.
When people came out from relationship, there is this fear of never finding someone again, loneliness, poor self worth etc. is so prevalent in mind that they either quickly jump into another wrong relationship or try to reconcile. So, look inside and identify underlying issues. Then, work on yourself. If you do that you will find having another relationship will become less significant. You will still feel content with no one in your life. But in long term, there will be alot of opportunities coming out of no where.
This is called letting it go in action. I am telling you this from my experience.
Brav3
October 18, 2016 at 11:03 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118470Brav3ParticipantAshley,
Since we were kids, everyday we have been telling us all these delusional stories about ourselves. Every single day, we have been finding faults in us, criticizing us for our mistakes and believing in those stories which makes us feel that we are inherently flawed. Therefore, breaking this pattern will require time and efforts.
I think I am getting a hang of it but I am to, a work in progress. When my last relationship fell apart, I had no understanding to make sense of what was happening. I knew about eastern philosophy. So, I started looking and came across Buddhist psychology (Books) which was free from all religious trappings. There I learnt about how to deal with difficult emotions and how to look inside ourselves. A lot of questions were answered and my understanding about life started to develop. Put it this way, my break up was my wake up call.
October 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118458Brav3ParticipantAshely,
It is good that you have started to identify some of the underlying issues. Its a start, continue to keep digging.
Seeking a relationship, just because we are scared of being alone is recipe of disaster. People attract wrong people in their lives because they are afraid to be alone. Staying in a relationship just because it numbs you from pain……..you know that just doesn’t sound right, at all.
When I recognized this for the first time, 9 months ago, I decided to do something about it. After my last relationship, I decided to stay single until I sort this out.And I also promised myself to seek solitude and do things alone, even if I get involved with someone.
If you seek ‘loneliness’ you will find its just a feeling that disappears as soon as it presents, beneath this feeling is something extraordinary, something very amazing and delightful, its peace. It will nurture you. To find this peace, you have to gather courage and go against the very grain of your behavior. Its a hard work but its worth it.
This fear, this low self esteem, this unworthiness, they aren’t the core of you and you can change it. Like I changed from miserable, low self esteem, unhappy in relationship guy to I am a very happy, self reliant, single guy.
Even though, I had some opportunities to be in a relationship but I decided to not pursue them because I could see clearly these people for who they are and not be carried away by delusions of my mind.
Now, I am looking to travel and see Scandinavia all alone, seeking for new adventure and uncertainty. You can change this you know, you can.
Brav3
October 18, 2016 at 6:17 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118455Brav3ParticipantHi Ashley,
Trust is the base where any relationship stands on. Hope that answers your question.
I was in a relationship with someone for 2 and 1/2 years. We lived together. I didn’t value myself at that time and avoided confrontation with her ( there was some manipulations there as well from her) because I had this enormous need to be loved. So she continued her flirting behavior and I continued to drag this unhealthy relationship. Relationship ended with her leaving me. And the little self esteem that I had, plummeted down to nothing.
When we do not value ourselves, we live in this enormous fear to not upset others because they are providing us that value/worthiness. B
Coming back to your situation. Can you see what you fear? If you truly love and value yourselves, you know that it doesn’t matter whatever outcome it might be. You will be ok, you will still value yourself and you still will be happy.
Brav3
Brav3ParticipantHi kps59,
I read your post and I am going to try and find some sort of solution for you. But since I know only what you told me it is going to be a little difficult. And I am going to be brutally honest with you here, so I apologize in advance for that.
Here’s the thing. It is the most stupidest thing to reconcile after someone has that they do not want to be with you. Why on earth would you wanna get back together with this guy who said those words after 2 and 1/2 years of relationship. I mean there’s no going back from here. Have some self respect for yourself and cut all your contacts with him, from phone no, email, social media to common friends ( if they talk about him). Cutting all these ties will help in alleviate your pain and free you from future entanglements. Please, you must stop yourself from finding out any information about him.
Meditation and yoga are great. But you are missing the whole point here. You wrote ” Letting the universe handle it” and then you have this hope that this douchebag ( sorry for the language) will return. And then stalking him on Fb……..come on mate, you are missing the whole point of meditation.
Here’s the solution. It is time to grieve and be miserable. It is time to cry for the loss. It is time to dive in and trust me with time you will come out of it. Don’t run from pain by keeping yourself busy, it will just stay inside you. It is time to let go.
You talked about spiritual solution. Here’s something you need to learn. LET GO. And that exactly means let universe handle it. Let it be, the pain, the sorrow, the grief. See it and feel it. Its not you, its just feelings that will come and go. Just like when you were in dumps for 2 weeks, if you remember, there were times you were feeling shit and there were times you were feeling ok. It wasn’t constant every second in dumps, it was in dumps and out and then back in again.
And please don’t fall into another relationship just because you can’t handle this, or you feel alone. Its time to work on yourself and reflect on things. Dig in and find the underlying issues, is it low self esteem? Is it fear of being alone? Is it fear of no security or certainty? Is it fear of getting old? Is it that you do not love yourself? Do you value yourself? I don’t think you do.
I feel compassion for you but I have to be honest to open your eyes. Its time to wake up.
Good luck
Brav3Brav3ParticipantHi Desolate,
I am going through something very similar. I am a 31 year old guy, never married, never had any kids, came out of a 2.5 years old long relationship ( start of this year) and repetitively been meeting similar people as you described from your online dating experience. Although, I don’t do online dating, it might be slightly more easier for me to identify such people.
In my opinion, you are sort of on a right track. Although, ‘strictly not dating again’ isn’t the best approach, similar to going out with every single girl you meet online or offline ( not that you are doing). Its like going extreme, too much or not at all.
Firstly, look inside yourself and ask what are you looking for? What do you value? What are the biggest red flags when you are dating? Reflect on what happened in the past and where things went wrong, not in terms of blame or guilt, but in terms of values and compatibility. And most importantly why you want to have another relationship? If you are very clear about this in your mind then you will have far better idea in identifying people at a very early stage and saving yourself from getting used.
Many people jump from one relationship to other because of many reasons like scared of loneliness, worry of getting old, worry about what worlds says about them, feeling of a loser or a failure, validation or getting the feeling of valued or worthiness etc. It is very difficult to find a right partner and develop a healthy relationship if above reasons exists.
Second, if you are very clear about what you want and why you want ( not above reasons)? Chances are either you will reduce significantly dating dishonest, manipulative people or identify them very early before getting heavily invested and will save yourself from huge let downs and disappointments. In fact, you might end up attracting people who have similar values to yours.
In conclusion, if you are meeting the same people again and again, there’s something you haven’t learn yet, there’s something you need to open your eyes to understand. Running away from it isn’t the solution, in fact life will presents you such people again, in a different way. So, get curious and learn, its not easy, its not comfortable but it will give you the wisdom that you need.
Good luck !!!!
August 31, 2016 at 11:47 pm in reply to: Some suggestions that might help for people going through breakup or divorce #113877Brav3ParticipantThank you
Brav3ParticipantI think I finally got it !!!!!!!!!!
Brav3
Brav3ParticipantHi TriangleSun,
Thank you for sharing story and insight on relapses.
I am in a very good head space now, compared to that particular day (2 months ago) when I was in rage. I think I have started to understand this more and more with time, especially the underlying issues inside my mind causing me to feel that way. However, I still need to diligently practice what I learnt as it takes time.
I am applying for jobs in different cities and will quit once I get one. However, this time I gave up the idea of running. I will not move until I found a good job. As much as it hurts, I know that I am okay and will be okay, I get up again and this all crap that has been going for now almost 7 months in my life, there’s an end to this.
In fact, I had few opportunities to go out on dates and I could easily see how much wisdom I have gained about people and life.
Thank you again, for your encouraging and supportive comments. I think I am fully equipped for not just this s##t and also any other s##t that will happen in life.
Brav3
August 25, 2016 at 5:24 pm in reply to: Some suggestions that might help for people going through breakup or divorce #113277Brav3ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your lovely comments and description of categorization oF CBT. I purely learned all this from Buddhist psychology. I am glad you find these points delightful to your mind and heart.
In my opinion, #4,#5 and #6 are very important and are usually undermined. People stay in a bad relationship or continue to look for a relationship throughout their lives as they were driven by these points. There is nothing wrong with pursuing your dream partner but there’s a really big picture about our primordial behavior that we need to see.
Anyway, coming back to elaborating on #15: Why this keep happening to me? Because you aren’t learning from it. Its your teacher, learn from this”. This is a common question that continues to arise in us, especially when we do our best and things continue to not work out for us. I asked it many times as well. It is a very poor approach to see things and there’s no one out there god/universe or whatever who will provide the answer for it. So instead of looking outside we should look within.
Problems/mistakes/failures/bad things, they all are there to teach us. They are our teacher in this journey of our life. They are their to make us learn and grow. Instead of complaining about it, we should look beyond our feelings and try to see them as opportunities to learn . Because, many things in our lives we do not have control of. And if we get everything the way we want, we will learn nothing.
I am sure there are problems that we could do something about. If we could do something about it, sure ! then we must do what we can do. But if they are like a brick wall, like a death of loved one, break up or divorce, cancer or any other disease with no treatment, then we leave it alone and see it as your teacher.
Furthermore, repetition of same problems are usually a sign that we didn’t learn previously and that could be because of many reasons. We get so caught in our mind telling all bad stories, that we forget that their is an end to all this. We are too busy in identifying with our negative emotions like grief, sorrow, sadness etc that we miss the important lessons to learn from it. We get deluded from reality. So, we do same mistakes again and again. This is very common in relationship, especially abusive ones.
Hope that makes sense.
Brav3
Brav3
August 25, 2016 at 4:09 pm in reply to: Some suggestions that might help for people going through breakup or divorce #113276Brav3ParticipantCath,
I am happy for you that you are lucky enough to have honest real friends. I have tried my best but haven’t been that lucky yet. In fact, I felt disappointed by some of my so called friends. Then, I stopped myself in that process and I asked that is it really in my hands ? I think its very profound question. I did my best but if people continue to be self centered, its actually not my fault. And if its not my fault, I should feel content with what I did as a friend and let it be.
It sort of gives you this insight or wisdom that some people aren’t meant to be your friends, just like some people are never meant to be in your life as lover. And the ultimate reality is things will continue to change. It is not guaranteed that you will always have friends forever and it is also not guaranteed that you will never have friends forever to.
So, if one doesn’t get deluded with the idea that things are going to forever like this, reality starts to appear more clearly.
Brav3
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