Hi Dreaming715,

One and only thing I can say about dating is the outcome will never be in your control ( by the way it goes for everything in life). IF ITS MEANT TO HAPPEN, IT WILL and if not, then no matter how hard you do EVERYTHING RIGHT, it won’t work. So, if its not in your hand, why try to understand men’s dating behavior as it leads to only more confusion.

Another thing to look at is being comfortable with uncertainty. Yes, his behavior is odd but there could be 100 reasons for it. He could be busy, tired or caught up with something or his phone is having some issues or he lost/left his phone etc etc etc. Why to over analyse this and cause more confusion and disappointment for yourself. Say to yourself ” If its meant to happen, even if he hasn’t texted you, it will and if not, then no matter how perfect you act or reply or do right thing, it won’t work”.
There’s a whole dating industry thriving on people’s anxiety towards uncertainty, you know, how to decode text of your date or how to get the man or woman of your dreams and blah blah blah.

Reading books and articles to gain knowledge about how to interact with men is good for certain aspects of dating like being confident, saying no and creating boundaries etc. However, you still have to remain authentic about yourself, which requires a bit of courage. You are not for everyone and that is okay 🙂 That makes you unique and beautiful.

Just relax and let it happen, naturally at its pace. Don’t let your mind trick you.

Hey Cath,

Stopping by to see your update. Looks like life is slowly coming together. Glad you are doing okay 🙂

Brav3

Hi Fairy,

Its really good that you feel wonderful after ending relationship. Usually people struggle to break free or struggle post breakup, even after discovering that they were manipulated for a long time. I am one of them.

There’s something I would like to warn you about before I give you some advice. People google about gaslighting, read and understand signs and then start believing that exactly what happened, just to gain some understanding of their traumatic event. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to say if someone gaslighting you or not, unless that person comes out and admits it. Anyway, my point is even if you have discovered whether you were manipulated intentionally or not ( alot of times it is unintentional) it doesn’t make any difference in your life. It didn’t make any difference in mine, in fact, it made me things worse by making me more angry and bitter towards my ex. So, if you can, just stop yourself from falling into trap.

If you really want to take steps to self-empowerment, self love, boost confidence and self esteem, you really need to see few things.
1. Self responsibility Manipulation or gaslighting happens when we do not take responsibility of saying “No” or ” I don’t like the way you are treating me” Or ” You are crossing boundaries here”. First thing to learn is how you can say no and walk away from any relationship if the person was treating you poorly or crossing lines again and again. If you learn this you will boost your self esteem.

Remember this, the world doesn’t do it to us, we do it to ourselves. So, take things in your hand now ( which you are doing in some way).

2. Learn to love being alone Another biggest cause of getting gaslighted/manipulated is fear of being alone. People stay in toxic, abusive relationship because they are too scared to walk away ( include me in this). They put up with disloyal, not loving, unkind, mean, verbally or physically abusive, cheating partner because they are so afraid to be alone. If only, you now how to enjoy being with no one around you. So, find ways to practice that.

3. Learn to find you self worth, your value, your validation and love within yourself. Manipulator usually find people who struggles with self love, self worth and validation. They then put their victim in the beginning of the relationship, on pedestal, always showering with love and enormous affection. Then slowly they change their behavior, making their victim feel as if its his or her fault. So, the victim ( I am that person) tries to do everything right and still couldn’t understand why relationship is falling apart. And then the manipulator use this as leverage to do wrong things and continues to tell their victim that they are overreacting or insecure or possessive or jealous or blah blah blah….you name it. Sadly, victim’s start doubting all his judgments, memory and gut feelings as if he is losing his mind. And then its all downhill from there.

If I only learn to find my worth within myself and didn’t look for my validation outside, nobody can then manipulate, because I won’t seek their approval. Then I will have the courage ( balls) to say F##K YOU for treating me poorly and walk away whenever I want to. As you can see how self empowering that is 🙂

4 Learn to live in present and be happy now So when shit like gaslighting happens, its aftermath issues are quite draining. Mind continues to be confused and one feel isolate and lost for a while. Their is alot of pain and grief to go through which requires time and patience. What important to understand is one day we have to let go and forgive to move forward. Otherwise we continue our suffering. So, start cultivating letting go and forgiveness now. It will take alot of time for them to develop.

Living in present means what has happened, has happened , its gone, done, finished, over. See what is your present, which is that you are beautiful, loving and kind girl who’s worthy of love and who’s happy with what she have in her life. Develop this understanding and start loving yourself and find happiness within you first.

5. Traumatic memories of ex
What I do is, when I see those traumatic images ( when she was lying or manipulating) or hear those words or both, which often repeats again and again and again, I say to myself that she didn’t know what she was doing (manipulating) to me and she must have alot of pain in her heart to inflict this upon me and I forgive her for that. It doesn’t always work but when it does I feel relief.

6. Friends and hobbies Best thing to do is try out every sport and see what interests you. Then see if you can sign for a program or a club. Then introduce yourself to whoever you encounter in a friendly kind way ( not flirting please). Then slowly build bonds with people by asking about their lives and all. Do not rush, do not have a very long conversation, do not try too hard if the other person is not receptive. It takes time to make friends, not everyone wants to be friends, so go slow and let them find you to 🙂

I could write a whole book on this. But I think this should be enough to give you directions. Here’s what I read somewhere
Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. You can turn this 11 yrs of pain into something best for yourself ( strong, resilient, confident and independent girl), you can, you know. I send you my love and compassion.

Brav3

Hi Brittany,

I am in a similar situation. My ex Gf works at the same work place. She broke up with me 4 months ago on a sudden after 2.5 years or living together and I have been picking up my life slowly. Although, I feel like I am getting out, some days can be very painful. I get that same bouts of pain and anxiety when I see her or her car. She is with some guy now and I know I will have to face that situation as well sooner or later.

There are things that I do , that you can try.

1. Create a breathing space by cut loose everything that gets you stuck in the emotions This applies to what you can do without any significant loss. For instance, if you can change your club sport team, great, if you can’t because of significant loss, then don’t. ( I can’t change my job, so I have to endure seeing her everyday) Same goes for common friends. Either request them not to ever talk about him or find new friends ( I cut off and started making new friends). However, there will be times that you might end up facing him. Yes, you will shit but then it will make you stronger for the next time. And then later in life, you will have no problem. So, think of it as it is making you tough, strong and increasing your resilience.

2. Cultivate acceptance and letting go daily This means to remind yourself daily your present is that he is your ex and those good memories are nothing but thoughts that passes away. See them as just thoughts and feelings and let them pass, they will go and then return again. You continue to label them as thoughts and feelings and let them pass again.

3. Remind yourself times when you were questioning your relationship Do you want to be that miserable girl who stayed in the relationship just because she was sacred of being alone? Or do you want to be this new single, happy girl, who’s got room now for exciting new people to come in her life?

Attachment comes from clinging to certainty, from fear of unknown, and from being deluded to the truth that everything in this world continues to change. We hold on to people or things as if they were ours to possess. However, as described in law of impermanence, when things or people or situations changes, which they always do, we suffer because we grasp to something that is gone. If we only learn to accept and let go, we find freedom in present.

Brav3

Sandstorm,

Brother, in some way when I am giving advice to you, I sort of giving advice to myself. As I told you, my personality and past was similar to you.

I fully understand that feeling ( excitement) when some nice girl is approaching you. Its very natural. In my case, I actually asked someone to have a coffee with me, I could see the same excitement as yours. However, this time I am seeing it ( my feelings) rather than identifying with them and letting them go. This is what we all need to practice.

Here’s a very important thing to understand. There’s nothing wrong with seeking love in life. However, thinking that if you find love, you will be happy is fallacy. If you start believing this you will be able to slow down and see its your emotions that are tricking you again. You will feel less anxious and sad if things didn’t go the way you want them to go.

Remember, things will change with time.
Brav3