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Why I just don't get it ?

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  • #107893
    Brav3
    Participant

    Almost 5 months since she left me saying that we weren’t compatible, although I knew that the real reason was a new guy, found out a month later. I thought I grieved, shed enough tears, felt all emotions and was moving on with my life. Saw her today at work and felt this enormous pain. What is wrong with me? Why I just don’t get it? She broke up with me 5 f##king months ago and I am still going through grief? A person like her doesn’t deserve to be with me. Why I can’t see that she is not the person I fell in love with? Why I am still stuck?

    I promised myself that I never let her come back in my life. Then, why can’t I just forget her? She looks at me and looks away like I wasn’t even there. Why I can’t be like that? Why I feel so much anger and hurt? I feel like I want to hurt her soooo bad and give her the same pain. But I know I can’t do that. Because I am a good guy and all the f##king goodness of this world was left for me to do. I want to be really really bad, I want to an a##hole, what’s the point of being good if all you good is shit in life.

    How long this will continue? I really am tired with these emotions. I thought I was doing well and now I don’t know. I really want to move on, I really want to not feel anything for her not even anger or hatred. I want to be free from this emotional BS.

    #107898
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hard day around here as well, brav3. Missing someone that doesn’t deserve me since yesterday… I hve this weird feeling that someday I will wake up by his side and that everything will be alright. Lame but yeah. Just letting you know that this stupid pain comes and goes and I feel like this as well. 🙁

    #107904
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brav3:

    Welcome back and glad you did get unstuck from believing you are grieving for someone who is worth your grieving. At least you know she is not worth it. But still you hurt and for that I am not glad.

    What if you stop wanting to not hurt anymore. Let’s say you see her again, you feel the hurt and you say to yourself: “Well, here’s that hurt again.” Think of it like an itch- oh, here’s that itch again. Uncomfortable but not deadly.

    Stop fighting the emotions- notice (of course you notice when it hurts), say: oh, there’s that pain/ itch again. And go about your business.

    anita

    #107912
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello Brav,

    I agree that you shouldn’t search for a formula that will make you constantly happy and seeing her won’t hurt you. It is not possible, and when you push it, it’s even less possible. I was like you regarding another issue, not a break up. I tried t ‘fix’ myself. Make myself able to bring my mind to a higher state where I was untouchable by this issue. You can not imagine with the frustration I faced every time the issue returned, just when I thought I am on a good way of healing.
    I wrote this in another post,I will repeat it again. Do a little research on the subject of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It has amazing results among people. There is this book, called ‘the Happiness trap’.The biggest lie we are told on this world,is that we are supposed to be happy and ok all the time, and everything else is ‘abnormality and sickness’. Well it’ not the true, we are human beings that get sick, that get hurt, and we are supposed to be this way. How can you be happy when seeing someone you loved with another man? Of course it hurts, you are not a robot! It’s suppose to hurt, and it is just an unpleasant feeling that will pass, like a flu. Nobody likes the flu, but big deal, you know you’ll get better in time, why frustrate over it.
    Accept your pain and the best you can do is bring some relief to yourself when it occurs, till it goes away… and it will go away. There are many ways how you can help yourself in these difficult days. Five months is nothing, trust me, it’s still early to filter it out of your system totally. You are experiencing pain,but.. You are not your pain. You are this wonderful human being that will go through happiness, breaks up, new loves,new tears, new reasons to laugh. When it comes to broken hearts (i’ve had mine broken more than once) time is the only and the ultimate healer. Just be patient, and that’s enough. Give your mind some time to process the shock, and to figure out how to move on. Yes, your mind is evolutionary designed for this 🙂

    #107927
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brav3:

    It just occurred to me that I have my answer to your question: “Why I just don’t get it?” You get it rationally, that she was the wrong woman for you, but “the heart wants what the heart wants”- love, to-love-and-be-loved, and it, your heart, your emotional self, does not listen to the rational (that she was and is the wrong woman for you).

    Emotionally you want to-love-and-be-loved and that is why you feel the pain when you see her, the pain over not loving-and-being-loved.

    There is nothing abnormal about your heart operating independently from your rational, not buying into the logic. Don’t be hard on yourself and be gentle. Somehow, your heart will catch up to your logic, over time and work, some more insight maybe needs to be gained about those Formative Years of Brav3 the child.

    anita

    #113145
    Butterfly
    Participant

    BRAV3,

    Hello! You are NOT alone! I am going through a ROUGH break up too! It’s killing me and I feel like you do. I want to be mean and a jerk to him as he has been to me. BUT I believe in GOD and Karma so I will not lower myself. I was doing so good with not responding to his generic texts (which before I would have). So this morning he sent me three texts being mean….something he hasn’t really done before. He actually said “don’t bother to reply, I don’t care that much.” as the last an final text. That hurt even though it shouldn’t. MY friend said he only said that because he is actually hurt that I have been ignoring his texts. But Now I am stressed out again. I added him back in my contacts just so I could block is number again. I am afraid if and what he will send next. I am just confused if he doesn’t give a damn about me (STILL NOC ACTUALL calls just 5 texts messages in three weeks). WHY bother being mean now?? I have to be honest I REALLY wanted to fire back at him and say how can you be upset with me because I pulled a YOU on You?? You frequently ignored me in our relationship so YOU caused me to now ignore you and now you want to ATTACK me for it? Please I don’t want us to be enemies. I just want it to be over amicacably if that’s possible. Should I just keep him blocked and ignore his tirades? Or respond by saying there is no needs to be mean a vicious. Lets just part ways without all the negativity? What do you think? Thanks!

    Butterfly

    #113195
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi Butterfly,

    I wrote OP in Jun and I was really angry on that particular day. Two months later I am in a very good head space. It had alot to do with reflection and learning.

    First thing you need to do is either change your phone number or fully block his number and never contact again, until for some time. Texting is a form of contact and it is very clear from your post that you are getting hurt and he is in quite alot of pain as well. Mean texts are purely because of anger that will continue to come again and again until it vanishes. However, if you gave it away because of your anger and lashed out on him, it will worsen the situation.

    When our minds are hijacked by negative emotions like anger, jealous, hatred, loneliness etc we become delusional. We are not in sync with reality. Its like we create this story in our mind where we see everything completely wrong or bad about a particular individual. Not many people understand this and not many people are ready to understand this.

    If you respond to him, even nicely, you will send the message that he can get some reaction out from you and he will continue to drag you in this loop. Don’t get yourself into this trap again. You can’t teach this to him, he needs to see and learn this on his own. That’s his journey.

    This is your opportunity to practice self love and compassion for yourself as you are hurt and also opportunity to learn how to let go and have forgiveness and compassion for others. Again, something that requires alot of courage and practice. But you know you can do this !!!!

    #113209
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    My ex left me for a creep who went out with her once and stalked her from a different city for several years. She complained about him to her friends and told me about him when we started dating. Eventually, after years of ignoring, she started replying to his texts and emails, telling me how funny and innocent he is and this virtually ended up leading to her leaving to be with him. That’s not even the most f-cked up thing that’s happened to me. Yet, this story is so creepy and bizarre that I hesitate to share it with others.

    This was almost 2 years ago and while this doesn’t bother me 98% of the time I still think about the great times we had together those remaining 2%. However, I can ultimately say that I do not care what she’s doing or where she is. It just kind of quit hurting one day. I remember it as it was yesterday. I was about 8 months in and doing great for a while but one night I felt like i was at ground zero. I broke down and felt like all this time and effort it took to heal was for nothing. I don’t know if this was my mind just letting out the last few plumes from the exhaust, but next day I didn’t feel a thing and haven’t ever since. It was just like a switch in my brain.

    That’s all I can say. You’ll just get to the point where you mind will become numb to anything related to this person. For some folks it takes days. For others – months. But it will happen. Just keep carrying on, loving yourself and staying clear of negative thinking. I also suggested this earlier, but I’d see if it’s possible to find another job. You spend a lot of time at work and if it’s filled with personal drama like this it’s best to look for something else that will relieve you of constant stress. This is the time to learn and be a better you. Start making changes.

    #113278
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hi TriangleSun,

    Thank you for sharing story and insight on relapses.

    I am in a very good head space now, compared to that particular day (2 months ago) when I was in rage. I think I have started to understand this more and more with time, especially the underlying issues inside my mind causing me to feel that way. However, I still need to diligently practice what I learnt as it takes time.

    I am applying for jobs in different cities and will quit once I get one. However, this time I gave up the idea of running. I will not move until I found a good job. As much as it hurts, I know that I am okay and will be okay, I get up again and this all crap that has been going for now almost 7 months in my life, there’s an end to this.

    In fact, I had few opportunities to go out on dates and I could easily see how much wisdom I have gained about people and life.

    Thank you again, for your encouraging and supportive comments. I think I am fully equipped for not just this s##t and also any other s##t that will happen in life.

    Brav3

    #113279
    Brav3
    Participant

    I think I finally got it !!!!!!!!!!

    Brav3

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