@molora Test this out: Try logging your thoughts. I use Evernote app to jot down date/time + a bit of info like what thought was / trigger / how I feel. Have you ever had a time you spoke about a problem with someone then suddenly it didn’t sound as bad as you first thought? This is same idea.

Instead of distraction, you can also consider substitution. You can change your thought process from “why did I say that” to “what can I do next with this person?” by replacing it on paper and reviewing it. Also applies well with emotions.

I’m not a fan of distraction because it doesn’t fix the problem. Substitution however can change the way you think because you choose to shift your focus on what matters most or what makes you happy. Eventually becomes your new default thinking.

@chris Hm, if the ignored-texting anxiety is an isolated problem you want to tackle, one idea you can test out is massive exposure.

I dont quite understand what u mean by ‘If you want to go down this path with Tinder, increase the number. You’ll get numb real quickly.’ .

Text as many new ladies each day. Do light research, sign up to all the free dating apps and free dating websites, and keep messaging new people. Set yourself a goal like 10 or 20 per day.

Texting a few and sticking with them gives you enough anxiety to not make any progress with beating the anxiety off. Overwhelm your System 1 and see what happens.

Keep in mind this does not equate to friendship/love because you’re working with with strangers in these dating apps. (Should also mention there are bots/fake profiles/employees paid to have conversations in these apps/sites.)

@lada I don’t know what you were going through and where you were with things but you said some really amazing things. What you said, the choice of words you used shows a lot of self-awareness of your wants, needs, mistakes in thinking, your own limitation and weaknesses, etc. More important is you’re taking action. Amazing transformation… What’s your secret? 😉

I agree with everything Anita saying.

I tend to need justification from others before moving forward.

It’s cool to get feedback and ask others what they think. Be weary of confirmation bias.

@kl292 One small thing to add is to build a habit of chatting this out with someone. Forums is a start, but in person is always best because 1) you sort through any illogical or delusional thoughts by vocalizing everything, and 2) you get feedback faster which makes for quicker action

@Marsh Hello from Canada! Also, what Anita said 🙂

+1 for reading Thinking, Fast & Slow. You reading about psychology is a huge plus. Find a book on emotional intelligence as well.

I was going to give you some dating advice, then I realized this wasn’t the problem.

Honestly, yes, i kind of take it personally when i get ignored, becuase it happens too many times.. I get anxiety sometimes when i do not get replies, especially when its people i chatted with for abit or people i know, though the anxiety i feel now isnt much worse as compared to last time.

You sound like old me, so let me speed up your growth here with some knowledge bombs:
1) It sounds like you lost something, and now you’re trying to get it back. Why are you searching for love?
2) You’re doing so at the wrong stage of the game. Love is an intimate thing. At what stage of the game can you become intimate? Think one-on-one conversations (not over text).
3) The bigger point: If you found love, will this make you happy and ease your anxiety?

From my personal experience, following through all this will amplify your anxiety because of three things: 1) you haven’t found a solution or really understand your emotions and what triggers them, 2) you will feed your own anxiety if what you’re doing is successful because you confirm your emotional reaction, and 3) your well-being will be reliant on an external source you cannot possibly control. This is extremely risky

No advice here, but take in the information/insights above. Let us know what you’re going to do next. Also, check out how Anita was asking you all these questions earlier. How we’re brought up affects who we are today.

We can talk about dating and dating apps in a bit 😛

P.S. I went through the same emotional turmoil when I lived in Bangkok for 3 months (recently). I got out of this cycle thanks to a friend of mine; I uninstalled my dating app and was able to move on with my life once I understood 1) what was going on, and 2) what I really want.

I know deep down I still want to connect with my ex,but no matter what I shouldnt because I haven’t fully recovered.

Check this points you mentioned, Chau.

We all want something out of life. What we focus on is what leads us to do the things we should or shouldn’t do, and make decisions based on what we want out of life. When was a time when you really focused on something, where you set your mind into full throttle mode and did everything you could with every minute you had to get what you want?

We’re all driven by something emotional, that’s why avoiding contact with her, maybe deleting her off your phone, or uninstalling your Whatsapp won’t help. Because you’re still driven emotionally towards her. The question is why? What is it that you want out of this? Is it the love and affection this person once gave to you? That attention she had for you? It could be that all this LOVE she has given you before is what makes you feel so guilty.

I am left with guilt of not treating her right, the scar of the betrayal of the two close person, as well as the anger that I have when she left me.

It’s great you recognize these emotions. Knowing what you’re feeling, being able to label your emotions and what you’re thinking about is a strong start. My advice is to take it a step further and track all your thoughts and feelings in a journal, asking yours why and what you’re doing.

Your thoughts and emotions are jumbled up. When you start marking down and calling out what they are, they begin to make more sense, and you’re able to really dig down to what you’re doing. From there, you can choose how you should behave and what your next steps are.