Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Upset with myself over minor incident
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Brie.
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June 11, 2016 at 10:20 am #106955
KareemParticipantHi All,
I am having some trouble with letting go and forgiving myself for previous actions I took, involving an incident that took place about 4 years ago. This is something that has weighed on my heart very heavily over the years, when frankly, it probably shouldn’t.
When I was a senior in high school, I had a high leadership position on a regional level for a large student-run organization. A good friend of mine ran to have the position after me, he had a different position on the board that year. However, he was not elected and lost to someone else, who we did not want to have the position. This was a very emotional experience for both of us, as I always thought he would be the one to take over for me. Earlier that year, because of the position I held in the organization, I was mailed a box full of t-shirts and some other “freebies.”
After I went home from the conference, still feeling bad about it, I wrote him a detailed letter expressing my thanks for everything he had done that year and mailed him that along with what was left in the box. I had previously taken some of the t-shirts/items out for myself.
Now, this is what continues to weigh heavily on my heart. It pains me even to type this out, honestly. I had asked my mom to mail the box when I went to school. When I got home she said she didn’t, claiming that she noticed I had put all the shirts in the box, and perhaps we could get some use out of it, or give it to relatives. This made me a bit angry and I claimed we simply didn’t need it. We could buy our own shirts or buy our relatives new shirts, that’s what they deserved. A few days later, my dad even casually asked if I had any, but I basically said he didn’t need them and that the person I had mailed them to could give them to people excited that they were shirts for the organization, whereas my dad simply needed t-shirts to wear. I think the biggest kicker was that my friend himself said thank you to me for sending the package, but also added “I have no idea why you gave me all that other stuff, I have like no use for it haha”
I realize now that just sending a letter alone, or nothing at all actually would have been fine. Four years later, we aren’t even really friends anymore. Perhaps I acted out of emotion in the moment. What makes me feel the most awful, is that I didn’t consider my family at all. I always think, I could still have that box with me and we could have used those shirts. Or I’ll think about how I was such an awful child or such a brat. Or I’ll think about how the other person said he had “no use for it” and could have just asked for itv back. Now these days, if I am ever given the opportunity or notice a free shirt, I will always be sure to grab it and take it for my parents. I later found a few more shirts from this organization, which I did give to my family.
You might be thinking…this incident doesn’t seem like much at all? I agree, that looking at life in perspective, I am not getting a whole lot of return on investment from looking into this incident with so much detail. My parents have literally never mentioned this. This incident will pop up in my head at random times, and absorb all my time, energy and attention for a few days and make me feel so awful and sad. I went through a phase, about three years ago, where I felt upset about this for a solid week and I thought I let it go after talking to a friend, but it continues to pop back up. Perhaps more largely, I am very upset with myself for not having been nicer to my parents in my teen years. I have tried to attribute certain actions I have taken to my immaturity at the time.
Frankly, there are significantly bigger problems in my own life, in my family’s life and in the world in general. I am just so upset with myself for having taken these actions.I posted here, mainly because I just needed an outlet to get this off my chest. I would like to seek advice on how to let this incident go, prevent it from coming into conscious thought, and accept what I learned from this. This link actually perfectly sums up how I feel: http://waitbutwhy.com/2016/05/clueyness-a-weird-kind-of-sad.html.
Thank you so much!
June 11, 2016 at 10:49 am #106959
AnonymousGuestDear kl292:
I read your post but did not open the link.
I think the t-shirts/ contents of that box are a symbol of your guilt feelings regarding your relationship with your parents. If you agree, would you like to share more about the origin of that guilt: when did it start, why… what is your guilt about?
anita
June 11, 2016 at 11:16 am #106963KareemParticipantI think that may be a correct interpretation, I also feel that I may have acted under emotion, another regret of mine. Throughout high school, I was awful at saying thank you to my parents. With the organization I mentioned, I felt that they never supported me and instead wanted me to focus on school exclusively. I think it took going to college in a different state that ultimately allowed me to realize how much they have given me, and how they have bent over backwards for my happiness. My guilt is primarily on not having been more appreciative of their efforts.
June 11, 2016 at 11:18 am #106964AnonymousGuestDear kl292:
Please do tell me: how did your parents bend over backwards for your happiness…
And why did their efforts fail to bring you happiness?
anita
June 12, 2016 at 2:33 am #106985
ErisParticipantHey kl292
It normal when you are a teenager not to appreciate your parents, its a part of your life where you are breaking away from childhood into adulthood and in a normal families parents (and siblings) are there as the safe place to push against as you learn how to understand yourself and relationships, you then if you are both fairly balanced people come back into a renegotiated relationship (with a few throw backs to child/parent every now and then!!). They are also human so aren’t going to have all the answers or necessarily handle it in the best way (just as no one handles everything in the mythical perfect way in life)
How is your relationship with them now?
The incident may also just have become your brains code for something, (maybe that you are letting emotion get in the way, or that you are doing something you may feel guilty about or even that you are feeling guilty about something you shouldn’t – only you will be able to work out what) in your current life, a warning that something in your life is not quite right.
Alternatively it just a thing your super critic uses to beat you up about when its feeling threatened, like when you are getting out of it influence. Again only you will be able to work out if this is true but you’ll find yourself having thoughts about this when you are taking steps forward to improve your mental strength and the super critic is fighting back for control. If this is the case I find what works best for me is to recognize what it is doing and say something like “sneaky! I see what you are doing, clever super critic but i’m on to you. I know you think you know how to protect me best but I’ve got this so let go and relax mister!”
Anyway just me two cents – you were acting from a nice place and, as you recognize, it really was not a big thing (not sure, if i’ve understood the story, that it was actually a thing at all except in your mind)
If that is the main thing you have to beat yourself up about then you were a very good kid!
June 12, 2016 at 5:02 pm #107057KareemParticipantHi Anita,
Basically, my parents have always made sure I had everything I wanted. I have had a relatively easy, comfortable life entirely because of them. Because they largely encouraged academics, and perhaps in my teen years I became a little fed up with this/rebellious and was annoyed that they wanted me to focus on school so much. While they didn’t forbid me from being part of the organization, I remember feeling that they were not particularly supportive (an idea, which I realize now, is completely wrong. they just wanted me to ensure that I was doing well academically).
June 12, 2016 at 5:16 pm #107058KareemParticipantEris, thanks for your response! Our relationship is great now. I have moved back home after college while I am “funemployed,” and am doing my best every day to make sure to help them out as much as I can, and also to speak with them with nothing but respect.
Looking back, I am just so angered and bothered by the actions I took in high school. I didn’t say thank you enough, I was very bratty/disrespectful despite them doing so much for me. I feel that this incident may have been “the icing on the cake,” if you will, in terms of the negative actions I took. As I said, I went through a phase of guilt regarding my high school years a few years prior, but they seem to have come up again. I easily find myself incredibly upset over this particular incident (though there are definitely others). At the same time, I think my friends response “I have no idea why you gave me all that other stuff, I have like no use for it” also hurt me more than a little…
I like your interpretation this incident being my brain’s code for something. I have also followed the technique you mentioned when I feel my mind thinking of the past and tell myself “there you go again! thinking about things you can’t change!” which has helped before. It just continues to bother me that it took so many incidents to learn this lesson. I am wondering if I should discuss this incident with my parents, or if I should attempt to let this go on my own. Our family has had quite the ride over recent years, both positive and negative, and they honestly probably haven’t thought about this since then. It is still, however, a very painful incident for me to think about.
Thank you!
June 12, 2016 at 7:50 pm #107083AnonymousGuestDear kl292:
If your parents have been good to you, good enough parents, and your guilt is about not having expressed positive appreciation of them by not giving them those t shirts, why don’t you go shopping and buy a few t shirts, for your mother and your father, wrap them in lovely gift paper, write a sincere thank you note to each, included in the gift and hand each their gift. You can remind them of that package years ago and that you are making it up to them for not giving them those t shirts four years ago. Tell them you love them very much, look each in the eyes and tell each how much you love them.
As you do all that, be aware that you are replacing that memory with this new experience, the shopping, packaging, note writing and presentation of these gifts in the present. You are replacing that experience with this experience.
anita
June 12, 2016 at 9:23 pm #107091KareemParticipantHi Anita,
Apologies for being difficult…I’m not sure if that would really “replace” this memory. You know, I’ve thought about it for quite some time now (which is really counterproductive). Now, almost every time I see a free shirt I will be sure to grab it and give it to my dad or mom. On that same vein, I did have a different box of shirts from that same organization, and shortly thereafter, gave one to each person in my family. The rest needed to be shipped elsewhere.
As you can see, the issue here really is not particularly immense. I realize this as well, that this issue is very insignificant, but it’s as if my mind is fixated on that one box of shirts that I voluntarily gave away. Would you happen to have any techniques on making peace with this? Would you suggest simply talking this issue out with my parents?
Thank you again, your feedback and guidance is most appreciated!
June 13, 2016 at 10:56 am #107151KareemParticipantGood morning! I have had some more time to think about this. I think what is bothering me the most, is that while I am now a much nicer person and treat my parents significantly better and am grateful for everything they do, it continues to bother me that it took these types of lessons (comparable to the incident described above) to actually make this type of change in my life. I realize that regrets can have positive consequences (which they indeed have) but the actual regret continues to bother me. How would you suggest I deal with this?
Many thanks!!!!!
June 13, 2016 at 10:57 am #107152KareemParticipantTo clarify a bit more, I constantly find myself thinking “Why was I like that? Why couldn’t I have been better back then?”
June 13, 2016 at 11:00 am #107153AnonymousGuestDear kl292:
You are not being difficult; you are having a difficult situation, this fixation or obsession. I can try to figure it out further with you, if you’d like. To do so I will ask questions. The question I have in mind right now is this: how is it that you didn’t discuss this with your parents so far, all those years since this incident?
Why do you think it is that you are asking me on this thread whether to talk about this with your parents… why haven’t they be the first place for you to go to when it started?
anita
June 13, 2016 at 12:06 pm #107160KareemParticipantAnita,
Thank you! I’ve seen you help so many people on this site, and if it hasn’t been said before…you’re absolutely awesome!!!
As I have said, this was a painful incident for me to reflect over for quite some time. Looking back over the years I was involved in this organization, I felt that I was awful to my parents in many circumstances and I think I avoided bringing up this specific issue to avoid pain it might cause them and a general reminder of the times I spoke and acted rudely. I actually asked my mom yesterday “Was I difficult as a teenager?” But she insisted that I wasn’t. I think she’s just being a bit too nice, I am sincerely embarrassed by my behavior in those days.
I think the reason I felt I needed to ask on this forum before talking to my parents was to simply ensure I was taking the right step. I tend to need justification from others before moving forward. Another source of anguish is the comment the friend made in response to the box. Just the other day I caught myself thinking “Why didn’t I just ask for it back?” The likely answer is that I was taught that one doesn’t ask another to return a gift.
June 13, 2016 at 8:25 pm #107208AnonymousGuestDear kl292:
Thank you! How kind of you.
This incident, the fact that it affected you so greatly for so long… there is something here more to understand. It is my bedtime. I will re-read your thread tomorrow morning with a fresh brain so to try to be more helpful. Till then, take good care of yourself.
anita
June 14, 2016 at 7:47 am #107234AnonymousGuestDear kl292:
With a fresh brain I re-read all your posts on this thread, plus I opened the link and read about the suggested “Clueyness phenomenon.” This is my best analysis at this point and I will be thinking-it as I type-it. It is not a sure thing, of course, in my mind… not the gospel truth, but my understanding of what it probably is or could very well be:
You are focused and have been focused for so long on what appears to be a minor incident: sending a box of t-shirts and freebies to a peer instead of giving it to your parents. What this incident means to you is that by making the choice to send the box, you were a bad child to your parents.
The reason why this incident stands out in your brain so prominently as meaning that you were a bad child to your parents is that … you were not a bad child.
You were trained by your parents to believe that you were a bad child to them.
You now live with them. Living with them is keeping alive your knowing inside of you that they hurt you and significantly hurt you, but you are not aware of this knowing. You are only aware of the box.
A child does not feel guilty for his/ her parents without context. They instilled it in you. Maybe in subtle ways. They told you stories of how they were hurt- because of things you did. Maybe they didn’t mention that particular box but they mentioned many other things. I think you keep thinking about the box because you are waiting for them to mention it, as if THAT is still something they will blame you for and you are anticipating it. Still anticipating an attack on your well being for having committed THAT sin.
anita
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