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Always tend to get ignored…

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 34 total)
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  • #107218
    chris
    Participant

    Just abit of news. I mentioned the girl from tinder, whom i went to watched a movie with. The one whom i didnt contact for a month now. She had just texted me, say : ” Hey! Busy working recently ? Finally got my holidays ”

    I kinda felt i was a let down last time during the little date.. i still have not replied her yet

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by chris.
    #107253
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chris:

    The two things I am suggesting to you: open up in your profile and in communication with people, express your feelings, your wants, share about what you care about. Instead of writing in your profile that you are NOT a good conversation starter… start a conversation, right there at the beginning of your profile. Be yourself, share who you are, in the profile and in continuing communication.

    You may need to get insight and skills through good psychotherapy, so to look into your anger and impatient about not getting replies or getting replies that you feel are inadequate. The anger and impatience that you have are standing in your way of finding and developing a relationship with a woman.

    anita

    #107257
    chris
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    i made some changes to my profile description according to your suggestions. I didn’t put in ” but I would very much prefer to spend my time instead in the company of young woman, taking walks together hand in hand, talking about anything, everything or nothing at all. ” though . Could i maybe put that i’m finding chat buddies ( as in, not trying to get into the serious stuff first ) . or will that be weird?

    Just abit of news. I mentioned the girl from tinder, whom i went to watched a movie with. The one whom i didn’t contact for a month now. She had just texted me, say : ” Hey! Busy working recently ? Finally got my holidays ”

    I kinda felt i was a let down last time during the little date.. we have chatted for a bit since about almost 12 hours ago.

    #107282
    Brie
    Participant

    +1 for reading Thinking, Fast & Slow. You reading about psychology is a huge plus. Find a book on emotional intelligence as well.

    I was going to give you some dating advice, then I realized this wasn’t the problem.

    Honestly, yes, i kind of take it personally when i get ignored, becuase it happens too many times.. I get anxiety sometimes when i do not get replies, especially when its people i chatted with for abit or people i know, though the anxiety i feel now isnt much worse as compared to last time.

    You sound like old me, so let me speed up your growth here with some knowledge bombs:
    1) It sounds like you lost something, and now you’re trying to get it back. Why are you searching for love?
    2) You’re doing so at the wrong stage of the game. Love is an intimate thing. At what stage of the game can you become intimate? Think one-on-one conversations (not over text).
    3) The bigger point: If you found love, will this make you happy and ease your anxiety?

    From my personal experience, following through all this will amplify your anxiety because of three things: 1) you haven’t found a solution or really understand your emotions and what triggers them, 2) you will feed your own anxiety if what you’re doing is successful because you confirm your emotional reaction, and 3) your well-being will be reliant on an external source you cannot possibly control. This is extremely risky

    No advice here, but take in the information/insights above. Let us know what you’re going to do next. Also, check out how Anita was asking you all these questions earlier. How we’re brought up affects who we are today.

    We can talk about dating and dating apps in a bit 😛

    P.S. I went through the same emotional turmoil when I lived in Bangkok for 3 months (recently). I got out of this cycle thanks to a friend of mine; I uninstalled my dating app and was able to move on with my life once I understood 1) what was going on, and 2) what I really want.

    #107330
    chris
    Participant

    Hi brievuong ,

    i guess i will just continue the conversation i have with the girls who i am still maintaining conversations with on tinder. Probably i will also gradually lessen my usage of it.

    do you know of any book about emotional intelligence ?

    #107354
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chris:

    My suggestion regarding your profile was an example type suggestion. You choose what feels right for you. My suggestion is that you share something personal in your profile as well as in other communications with the women who answer you. Share something true and personal about you and that will be attractive to me, if I was to read your written (and other) communication. If you bring nothing personal to the table, it is more likely that no one will join you at the table.

    Regarding the girl that recently contacted you, if you respond to her it will be an opportunity for you to practice being patient with not getting instant results. If you can do that, reply to her. If you can’t- don’t. You need to be respectful of her, not abusive, not reactive abusively to your anger. If you can maintain such respect even and especially when she doesn’t fall in love with you, or if she doesn’t fall in love with you as fast as you’d like, then reply to her.

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #107360
    chris
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    let me share with you with i put in my profile description :

    ” My name is Chris,23 this year. I am employed, working 60 hours a week.
    I believe there is no greater experience then to have someone who cares.
    Outside of work, i spend my free time gaming, watching science documentaries and reading, just to name a few.
    Currently reading ‘ Thinking , Fast & Slow ‘ by Daniel Kahneman. “

    This is after listening to your advice. I probably will make some changes again here and there. As for starting conversations with my to-be matches, i still have no clue as to what i should say.

    I responded to that girl, though now i have to practice being patient with not getting instant results, as you said. Sometimes, she reply slow, so i can use that to improve on my patience and cut down on my anxiety.

    I also found a book on emotional intelligence ‘ Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ ‘ by Daniel Goleman , as recommended by brievuong to find a book on emotional intelligence , but have not purchased it yet.

    #107362
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chris:

    I am familiar with the concept of emotional intelligence, of course, but not with that book you mentioned. Hope it is helpful to you.

    I like your profile: at least it has one sentence about your feelings, a personal note: needing someone in your life that will care about you.

    In correspondence with young women online, continue expressing personal sentiments like that one. Say something personal in almost every correspondence. When you get a message from a match, take a moment, pay attention to what you feel, and write something short about how you feel. Reach out that way to the matches.

    And once you do, let it go best you can. Minimize your expectations. Then when you get a further reply, do the same thing: pay attention, send a sentiment her way. As long as it is true and not too much so you don’t feel too disappointed if and when you don’t get a reply or you get a reply that feels inadequate.

    Post again anytime. I’d like to continue to try and help you with your aim to get involved in positive interactions with others and the loving relationship you naturally need and want.

    anita

    #107363
    Brie
    Participant

    i guess i will just continue the conversation i have with the girls who i am still maintaining conversations with on tinder. Probably i will also gradually lessen my usage of it.

    Sure. You should ask yourself why you want to do those two things.

    do you know of any book about emotional intelligence ?

    I compared a few book descriptions and ended up reading two: 1) Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence, 2) Paul Ekman’s Emotions Revealed books.

    Goleman is solid start. Good that you found it.

    I responded to that girl, though now i have to practice being patient with not getting instant results, as you said. Sometimes, she reply slow, so i can use that to improve on my patience and cut down on my anxiety.

    If you want to go down this path with Tinder, increase the number. You’ll get numb real quickly.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Brie.
    #107373
    chris
    Participant

    Hi anita

    i would initiate the conversation whenever i get a match. Starting a first conversation is something i am not good at. I will try what u said about expressing personal sentiments, giving them and observing reactions.

    Hi brievuong

    i will continue the conversations with them, so that i can have at least someone to chat with, instead of being quiet all to myself. I can also use it as a learning point, to try to lessen my anxiety of receiving replies. I dont quite understand what u mean by ‘If you want to go down this path with Tinder, increase the number. You’ll get numb real quickly.’ .

    #107383
    Brie
    Participant

    @chris I did the exact same thing you did when I lived overseas. Multiple apps, many ladies, spent a lot of nights on the texting game. I wasn’t interested in sex either though it was an added bonus in my books.

    I don’t have the full picture of what’s going on for you. From what I gather, you’re looking for love. You want to feel this connection with another person, but because of your disorienting schedule you can’t, so you do so in the form of texting/dating apps.

    Does this sound right so far?

    #107385
    chris
    Participant

    @brievuong it is part of it. But i also concerned with being ignored by those matches or even people i know. I just don’t many people ( including the matches ) would tend to ignore me at first or after some chatting. Finding the love connection is the other main reason why i am on the dating app too.

    #107393
    Brie
    Participant

    @chris Hm, if the ignored-texting anxiety is an isolated problem you want to tackle, one idea you can test out is massive exposure.

    I dont quite understand what u mean by ‘If you want to go down this path with Tinder, increase the number. You’ll get numb real quickly.’ .

    Text as many new ladies each day. Do light research, sign up to all the free dating apps and free dating websites, and keep messaging new people. Set yourself a goal like 10 or 20 per day.

    Texting a few and sticking with them gives you enough anxiety to not make any progress with beating the anxiety off. Overwhelm your System 1 and see what happens.

    Keep in mind this does not equate to friendship/love because you’re working with with strangers in these dating apps. (Should also mention there are bots/fake profiles/employees paid to have conversations in these apps/sites.)

    #107405
    chris
    Participant

    @brievuong i cannot message many new ladies, i don’t get alot of matches at once. It takes some time. Im currently only using Tinder, the other apps are full of bots i think. Currently, i am messaging only 1 out of over 20 matches on tinder.

    #107471
    Brie
    Participant

    Testing

    Did you get around to researching more apps? Doesn’t have to be local.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Brie.
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 34 total)

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