fire away.  Honestly i’m so freaking torn up right now.  All the help i can get the better.  I can tell you these few facts about me right now.

1.  I know i made a lot of mistakes with my ex at the end that screwed things up.  I also know that she made mistakes as well, she did cause a lot of my actions.  When she pulled away all she told me is that it had nothing to do with me, so i was left in the dark.  For me that was devastating because I tried for answers when she just needed time for herself.  Me pursuing that is a lot of what caused it all to crumble.

2.  I know that i love her and did love her.  A love i believe you may only have once in a lifetime.  I can’t speak for her, but it felt the same from her until the end when the storm hit.

3.  There isn’t anything i wouldn’t do for her.  Even now.

4.  Yes, i’m in a relationship with someone else now.  I feel love for her also.  But not like before.  She will give me anything i want and need, she and i have a lot in common and are very comfortable around each other.  She does know about my ex. and that does worry her.  I can see a life with her.  A happy life.

5.  I feel doomed.  I feel like i will never have what I had with my ex.  no matter how great any new person or relationship is.

I did have a rough childhood.  My mom wasn’t there like she should of been and my sister left home early.  Pretty much had to grow up alone

The problem was that my ex made me number one for so long.  For the first 10 months we didn’t go longer than a couple hours without texting or talking(besides sleeping).  When all this went down she pulled away so hard and got so distant i didn’t know what to do or how to act or how not to take it like it was me.

When she started having a lot of problems with everything.  Especially  her son.  She needed time alone to deal with it and to figure it out on her own.  She is a very independent woman.  She had told me this several times.  I didn’t see the whole picture at the time.  I only saw what i wanted to see.(well i didn’t want it, but i don’t know how else to say it).  I saw ” why can’t she let me help her or let me be there with her”   I felt like she didn’t want to see or be with me.  Which wasn’t the case at all.  She did, but She just didn’t have the capacity at that time with everything else hitting the fan like it did.  I took it too personal and instead of talking to her to find out what she really needed from me, i overthought everything and made assumptions, then lost my cool and anytime something didn’t work out i would be shitty about it.  made it all about me, not us or her.  When she needed me most to be strong and just be there for her.  I made it all about me and made her feel guilty.  Not on purpose.  Loving someone is giving them what they need when they need it and sacrificing if you have to for that time.  I did just the opposite.  I failed her.  I didn’t see it then, but i do now.

I would give anything to go back in time.  If i could of just stepped back and let her come to me instead of constantly up her ass like i was when she was hurting.  I know we would still be together.

I needed to be #1 right then and there.  And i didn’t feel like it.  I felt like i was getting pushed aside day after day.  But i never communicated that with her either like i should of.  So she didn’t know.  I just kept telling her “i understand” and “its okay”  when it wasn’t.  How was she to know??