Anita,

apologies for my English, not my native language. I meant to say the relationship you describe – it feels very rational, with hopes and dreams taken out of it.

Anita,

Thank you so much again. So if I were to summarize: I should continue as I was, talking / being honest / sharing and not putting any labels to it. Dealing with my jealousy, if I want to give us a chance.

I want to build that deep connection, but it needs to be both ways. He, too, should want that with me. I might be putting all this energy and he might not be wanting anything, just enjoying the attention. How do I know that it’s enough? That I tried and it didn’t work?

Anita,

Everything you say again makes so much sense to me. Yes, he is confused. Yes, I don’t want (and will not) wait for him to figure this out. However I think me coming off strong and gf-y pushed him away in a sense that he’s still in a process of “looking for a new apartment” (using your metaphor) and wants to keep his options open. Makes sense to me. I thought that putting myself on the line and opening up about my feelings a bit (or not denying them at least), being more confident and direct the way you encourage me will help him see who I am and encourage him to open up. I think it did the opposite, I think he’s not ready. He liked hearing about me “feeling for him”, wanting to have him in my life in any capacity, but the moment I’d suggest anything closer to gf/bf he’d pull away and say “it doesn’t feel right”, etc. I think he’s still shopping around.

Now, we had a call a couple days back where I said I want to stay friends no matter what and I want to talk. He became more responsive over text, supportive when I was on the turbulent flight (I have bad flying anxiety) and called me “honey” (he never did that before). So, even if in general I agree, confused people are drawn to confident people (thus my behavior above, encouraging and inviting to open up), but I’m not sure he appreciated that, again it seems like it pushed him away. When I said I was going through a lot of emotional pain fairly recently, he asked me why didn’t I share? It almost feels like he wants to relate to me, and that draws him closer to me.

I do think there’s a chance for us to develop into deep connection he’s seeking. I don’t think (and I don’t believe) he had that sense of connection with the person he hooked up with. I think he was feeling rushed (as I was giving him “gf” vibes) to make a decision on what this is between us and it wasn’t enough for him to develop the deep connection. It just wasn’t enough time and enough for me to process my breakup.

What do you think?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Julia.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Julia.

Anita

they both are from the same country (not the country I’m from and not the country we all are living in right now), so I pointed it out.

Anita,

I’ve been rereading your post from this morning and thinking… I disagree with your assessment of me, that I will lose interest in him as soon as I realize he’s into me.

I do tend to start the relationships on rebound, because I don’t want to be alone. I admit that myself and I will be learning to not to do that. But what I can’t disregard, is that I continue the relationship with my men and I fully and wholeheartedly commit. If they do respond with love and care I do the same. My first relationship lasted 2,5 years, second – almost 7 years, third – almost 5 years, and I still love this last man. I tried to make our relationship work until the end, until he walked away from it.

So no, I disagree that if this guy we’ve been talking about, reciprocates my feelings, and develops the deep connection with me (if he hasn’t already) I will leave him. I disagree.

I put myself on the line, I was vulnerable with him, letting him know I was jealous and I cared. I think I regret opening up now as it seems like pushed him away.

But the question still stands: does he feel something for me and doesn’t want me to pursue him as bf (if so – why?) or does he not and we don’t have a chance and I should pull back and suffer yet another heartache?

I still wonder.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Julia. Reason: typos
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Julia.

Thank you Anita, how do I address a post to you? And I assume you don’t want to communicate on this subject anymore?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Julia.

Anita,

I was never intending to end this relationship with him, it’s his wish. My purpose stated above.