My grandma raised me, along with my mom.  I am so sorry for your situation.  You are not selfish, but you do need to let her go, and give her permission if you can.  It was so hard for me to tell my grandma that it was ok to go.  She had had a major stroke that took everything but her life.  She was bed bound, unable to speak or eat, and lived for about 4 months following the stroke. Shortly after we told her it was ok, she passed.

You described your grief as very dark, and I experienced the same thing.  I panicked when I first felt that dark void.  Prior to experiencing grief from the loss of a person in my life, I thought it was simply deep sadness.  You will get through it!  She will be close to you after she passes.  She will.  My suggestion would be to find a good psychic medium, and you will see that she is still right there, just no longer  inhabiting her body.  She will always look out for you and love you, in this life and the next.

I lost my darling boyfriend to cancer three years ago.  The grief that I felt from that loss was so intense, that I didn’t feel I would survive it.  YOU WILL.   There is a good web site called What’s Your Grief, run by two young widows.  They are wonderful and offer lots of information for you to work with.  I guess the best thing I got there was information on how to have a healthy relationship with someone who has passed.  I was delighted, realizing that I was still in a relationship with him, and I wanted it to be good.

These words to you come from someone who has some distance from the loss.  I hope I have been helpful.  Please keep reaching out, here and where you are comfortable getting support.  You deserve support and love in everything you do in life.

Peace,

Chris