Dear Anita,

I read your post yesterday and reflected on it.  I am going to break it down into segments so it is easier to follow along.  This topic 1, ROAR, is vital for the path. There are so many branches of it – that ROAR. Yet, the fundamental roots are what you have discussed above.

1) Anger was a bonding moment with your mother, a team-in-anger:

Yes it was.  As you know there were often times that  I would return home, and “find” things to talk about.  Controversial topics that would make mother entertained. Oh so and so is getting divorced, my mothers face would light up: see!! See! I told you she wasn’t really happy.  My mother’s energy lifted by her “ability” to  know better than others, and bask in the fact that in fact – others were NOT happier than she.  Sigh – she knew it didn’t she!

I recall innately never really being interested in these topics or gossip, but yet robotically “dumbing” myself down to these conversations.  It was in fact to join in the team bonding.  to say yes! we unite, look at those idiotic people thinking they are so happy – they aren’t after all! or oh look at those selfish horrible people, ROAR at them together! Absolutely, you are right Anita.

2) Never will cali chica be one of those people unaware of pain and suffering and unfairness,

those happy go lucky people who have it easy in life, daring to attend to their own needs and get away with it!

This one is key.  Absolutely key.  I thought about this throughout the day yesterday.  Luckily I had a slow relaxing Sunday during which I could let it sink in.

1 – My loyalty and understanding of being a “good daughter” or person perhaps/a righteous one – involves never being those people who are unaware.  I must at all time be so aware of all the pain and suffering in the world, and that others cause us – and vocalize it.  It is my right! It is a must.  —– well why? (hmm good question – I tried to answer it – and there is no true answer more on this later)

2 – The ROAR comes from anger and resentment that “those” people have it easy.  They think of themselves first – and they get away with it without repercussion.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned this pearl – but it is important here. So as you know my mother had troubled relationships with her siblings here in America, it was the majority of my childhood that was focused on this, and why we were so alone on holidays – and how other people have great families and we don’t – etc etc

So- my mother always spoke about  bad luck and jealousy.  She always said that if other people were selfish and just did whatever they wanted, it would be fine.  They would be respected, and people would still reach out to them and want to be their friend/have their company – and maybe even be more intrigued by them.

But if she (us) did that, we would be pushed to the side and become alone.

As in, if my mother just stopped “trying” and just did her own thing (whatever that is) and went on her merry way – she would NOT have the luck of having people still flock to her and want her in their life.  She would be forgotten. She may even be criticized.

Thus, the concept of people attending to their own needs – and getting away with it – is even more key! The idea that there are those that do this and are successful and happy and worry free-  and then there is US – the opposite.  We are unable to do this.  We would not get away with this.  And if we try, we will just be alone – no one will care about us.

So back to my loyalty of never being those people, the blissfully unaware that (god forbid) focus on their own lives.  How toxic to think this way. And yes during the wedding planning time and after, I was accused of being  just that! THOSE people.  And for a while there I believed it. I harassed my husband and believed that perhaps I was forgetting my poor mother and becoming smug and selfish.  And then slowly I realized that was hardly the case – as i was miserable! No one was winning, she was “miserable” and so was I.  Lose-lose.

But as you stated, never during this time did my pattern shift – to think wait – how bogus – now I am getting accused of being those people, the type we were united against! It did not shift, but what I did start seeing is that everyone is “those people” everyone in the world to my mother, except her own self.

At this stage in my life, I would hope that would correspond to the idea of – “those” people aren’t the enemy – and in fact the only “enemy” there ever was – was her.

Afraid to focus on inner circle out of fear of being those people.  Out of fear of being “called out”for being selfish.

Well has that happened? No…In fact no one cares.  Everyone is busy attending to their own inner circle.

And if I don’t and continue to “sacrifice” my own needs/or that of my family – so not to risk being smug and blissful – what is gained? Misery for all.  Lose-lose.

Only a fool would do this.

Dear Anita,

angry people are more likely to demonstrate correspondence bias- the tendency to… rely more on stereotypes, and pay less attention to details and more attention to the superficial… unlike other ‘negative’ emotions such as sadness and fear, which promote analytical thinking”.

How interesting this quote is. Just this week we talked about the concept of perhaps misjudging my sister. And seeing qualities in her, maybe based on stereotypes and maybe less attention was paid to details.

I wasn’t sure how to begin my reply to your post, I read it a few times yesterday and today. It is an excellent post- I would like to book mark it as I know that going back to it over and over will allow me to get more out of it depending on what I am feeling at the time, and the type of situation I am in. We both know learning is also very dependent on our current state of mind, and the current present ability to absorb new information.

Based on your post, I saw that anger has so much to do with sensing another person’s accountability in creating a negative situation.

A point that really stood out to me is “the purpose of anger is to aim at correcting wrong behaviors.” You have spoken about this, about having to go out into the world and undo the wrong that was put onto your mother, making it right for her. Same for me I see, I was going out there to be a warrior and fight these battles for my mother, subconsciously believing that if I would fight these battles she would have some peace or happiness, or that retribution would be gained and lead to some positive benefit.

Of course looking back I can think of a few small scenarios in which I had done this, it never worked out this way. In fact it always backfired and ended up making me or my mother, or both look even worse.  I remember a small example of having some boy trouble in medical school and opening up to my mother about it, and her response was of course to be vengeful and angry. So I carried the sentiment with me back to Philadelphia. When I spoke to this guy, I pretty much reiterated exactly what my mother would say to me, like a parrot. I remember his look was dumbfounded. It was as though I was speaking gibberish.  I remember becoming even more angry at this time, thinking that he was so callous and unemotional. Exactly the mother voice. She always perceive people who didn’t understand her hysteria to be disloyal, dishonest, and not trustworthy people. Because of course she deemed herself as someone who always spoke the truth, and her emotionality led to the fact that she was a truth teller and honest of heart, while others were Stonehearted and not good. I believed this. Of course at the end of the day that boy trouble was small, and it wasn’t like that this boy was important to begin with – but the story is. If I think back to this almost 10 years later, I was speaking  gibberish. Yes I truly was.

I adopted what my mother was telling me: jump at the throat of this person, don’t take the whole context into the picture, don’t look at both sides of the story, and jump out with a weapon because everyone is out to get us. I was taught this, so of course this is difficult to get rid of with intellect. Of course now I am more educated, I do understand the concept of catastrophization and hysteria.  More educated of course in medicine, and life, and more educated about what the mother voice really is.

I was thinking today about how anger is so harmful to us. They always talk about how anger is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die. We have all heard of this so many times, but it is beginning to make more sense. I am only just starting to see the true detrimental effects of anger. We Talk about win-win so much here, and anger is ——lose lose. No one wins.

Let’s think of a scenario, I am snappy with my husband as soon as he walks in, because I have anger that I am unable to contain, something happened to me at work and it was brewing inside of me all the way home. As soon as he opens the door, roar it leashes out. Of course now he is annoyed, and he closes off and the interaction with us becomes cold and distant. I may feel guilty, and then try to make up for it, but it doesn’t work. Or instead I may not feel bad and guilty, I may feel angry and feel that he is not being supportive. Either way I feel bad. Interesting at 34 years old I am saying this out loud as though it should be common sense. But it’s not. It Doesn’t matter of it sounds simple- more importantly, It it’s true.

Either way I feel bad with anger.  Suffering is increased.

And yes suffering for the opposite party is increased too, but for this conversations sake we are focusing on us.

So someone like me, and perhaps yourself, I feel entitled to this anger. I think to myself, look what annoying thing happened to me at work! How dare this happen to me, I have a right to be angry, of course I am angry! It is not fair that this happens to me and I am mistreated like this! How could I not be angry! Feeling the need to go out there and undo that harm, roar!!! And when husband comes home, I want to relay this to him, perhaps I want him to feel equally as angry! Look what happened to me! Aren’t you angry, aren’t we angry! Let’s roar together!!!!

I remember my mother being so happy when someone would get as upset as her about a topic, it was so validating to her, she found great comfort in making someone as emotional as herself. How disgusting! Perhaps subconsciously I may find comfort in this too. Maybe not at this exact moment, but at the beginning of my relationships in the past when I was more hysterical and emotional without really thinking, perhaps I too wanted the opposite partner to be equally as hysterical. I can definitely see that…

So anyway, back to a lose lose scenario, now I am suffering more because I feel bad. In the compulsive mind I felt that leashing my anger out would help me feel better, but the consequence was perhaps one second of emotional release, followed by an even worse feeling.

So today, after reading your post yesterday, I really kept this in mind. Especially the aspects of judging situations by stereotypes and superficialities, and not necessarily paying attention to emotions and other intricacies. I thought that was interesting, considering that I am someone who is  in tune with many people, and I believe myself to be a good reader of people, so how can I not be so in tune with this? And this is because of the baseline hostility. It is also because of projecting the mother into other people. It is also because of her voice. Perhaps all of these things are sort of separate in small ways, but also all at the same time tied together.

Baseline hostility as you mentioned, assumes the worst. It assumes that someone is out to get us, and it assumes the worst of a person.

okay…

But I took it to a different place today, I thought about the concept of self suffering. As above the lose lose scenario of anger leading to more personal suffering. And I kept that pearl in mind. So, I am at work, and I think a bad thing about person X, I find myself getting angry about something about person X. This increases the neurotransmitters going through my body, norepinephrine and adrenaline increase, my shoulders tense up, my heart might start beating faster, I might start clenching my jaw.  Knowing my own neural pathways and knowing myself now I start going into a tailspin. I start thinking about how person X is annoying, and then I start thinking about how gosh why does everyone act like this, and then it might lead to well why don’t I act like that, and other people get away with it. And then it may lead to thinking how everything is unfair and bad. Just an example. Lose lose – in brain and body, end result: feel wound up tight and uneasy. Feeling bad.

So today I tried a different approach. Something that person X was slightly perturbing.  OK. But whether I get angry or not about it -it’s going to affect my own suffering. This is the new point- how can I increase feeling good? And decrease feeling bad?

So I thought about this person, and I thought about how he is so different than me. I thought about how we are almost two people who speak entirely different languages, and therefore many things that he does are not taken by me as normal or innate. And perhaps many things that I do are probably not taken by him as normal or innate.   I thought about this, and slowly the thought was put to rest. It did not go into a tailspin. It did not grow bigger and bigger and tumble down into a Downward spiral. Nope the thought entered my mind I processed it and then it left! Until this moment that I am writing about it, it didn’t bother me at all! That is the real work right there. Wow!

Of course this is one example, and it is very difficult to continue this in daily life, but practice starts with one example. And I am happy to share this one.  The end goal of all of this was to feel better. I am not going to change him whether I become angry or not. And he is not going to change me.  No, I am definitely not someone who believes that never being angry is the goal, as I do believe that having true emotions and authenticity is the true goal. You know this. But our work here is about having intrinsic anger that leads to suffering, which is entirely unnecessary. Jumping to anger as a first emotion, which is unnecessary and harmful to ourselves.  Anger that leads to Unnecessary suffering.

I also learned today that when I approach this in the second manner, I had a lot of mental space left. If there was a scale, if I approached the situation in the first way with anger:that led to a circuit of different thoughts, my brain capacity would be nine out of 10 saturated. In the second way: I felt like I was only three out of 10 saturated. I had 70% more neurons available for peace or other thoughts. I wasn’t entirely encompassed by these thoughts.

I noticed this it was a palpable feeling of having more freedom in my brain.  I think this is a specially key, because that burn out of the brain by rumination and angry thoughts is extremely toxic and harmful.

Lastly, having space in the brain will allow me to really understand what I am truly feeling. As you know, something that I have been really struggling with is jumping to a compulsive action or thought based on patterns or the mother voice, before assessing what I truly think and feel about it.  Knee jerk.  This means that I never truly processed anything, I just reacted. I never allowed myself to sit with thoughts or feelings first. Always reacting never processing. This is something I truly want to work on as it will lead to the greatest outcome.  When you have 70% mental space available you can process so much more than when you have 10%. Right? And that is the real work.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

The biggest take home for me from this response was the dissociation that we had because we saw and knew the reality,  but it was far too much to bear. Far too painful.

It’s been a while since I have focused on dissociation or that we have discussed it. I would like to discuss this more if you would like to as well. In the beginning of my journey, I read a lot about it a ton – given that I felt numb about everything – and this Concept deserves another deeper look. It is the right timing

Perhaps we can continue where we left off tomorrow morning, I’m going to head home from work now and perhaps go for a run, it’s these scattered days of fall before winter that are perfect for being outside. I Hope you have a pleasant evening, and there is no hail storm in your way.

If I think of something later in regards to our last exchange, I might write about it this evening, but regardless we will touch base tomorrow morning.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Didn’t reflect

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You stated:

Key to untying the knots of ROAR, weakening it to a roar is in that very personal experience of the young girl CC with her mother, her mother causing CC pain, in a very personal way, or ways

If and when you have time, I would like you to elaborate on this – as I am not sure I fully understand.  I sense that it is going back to that young CC and addressing her experience as it was back then…

Dear Anita,

Great! It looks like we have our “work” cut out for us today! I am excited.

First, you are right – family – yes, savior -no.  I will keep this in mind in all of my interactions with her. It is a must to keep this in mind for the good of myself, my husband, and most of all – her.

And yes, my in laws are a dream – I am very fortunate to have them, and so is my sister now too – as they extend their love and support and are extremely judgement free.

1- ROAR

2-Accel

short for acceleration, but a less abrasive or intense word – accel to me sounds like a fancy tech company, where people work efficiently and productively and move forward.

Dear Anita,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making my sister such a priority.  I do agree that I saw her differently just a few months ago, but in fact she has grown tremendously.  Not to say she was histrionic ever, or a bad person – no far from it, but much more lost and un-grounded.  She has really found her way in NYC, with a great job with responsibilities that are even above the level of her age – handling that very well.  She has finally found comfort in a good group of friends.

I guess It is up to me to make it a priority for me to “help” her – and she does not need my instant help.  She is fine.   I am lucky enough to have a husband who considers her his own family, my in laws were so glad to include her in our birthday plans on Sunday – we went to a Broadway show.  And as always she is welcome to all family events, Thanksgiving coming up.  They truly care about her wellbeing as well.

I will say this, and the only reason I know this is because I saw my husband’s demeanor change. Here it is…

My parents called my in laws the day before my birthday, Sunday.  They acted very nice and asked my in laws to wish me a happy birthday, to which they responded “oh we will if and when we see her, we won’t be seeing her soon.” A generic committed response.  My parents then made some random vague comments about my sister, that I do not know details about.

My mother in law then asked my husband if my sister is still in contact with my parents, to which he replied, no in fact, it has been a few days.  My MIL then responded – oh okay that makes sense then.  This was not brought up at all to me or my sister.

Now the only reason I know this is because my husband walked out of the apartment to walk them to their car, my sister and I stayed back with the dogs.  He spent about 15 minutes outside by the car, and  I wondered if anything was wrong.  Then I got the sense that my parents had called his, and they were discussing this.  Of course as this used to happen so much, my mother immediately calling my in laws and blasting them or acting innocent and trying to find information.  Of course.

When he returned he seemed fine but slightly stressed, he mentioned nothing – my sister and I were there, and we all continued to sit and talk normally for a bit, and then the evening came to an end – Sunday.

So yesterday during my birthday dinner with him,  I brought it up – I asked, did my parents call yours? I have a feeling they did –and he said no don’t worry, and I pushed and asked again- perhaps I shouldn’t have, doesn’t matter now.  And he told me the above.

I instantly felt triggered, and instantly felt bad that my husband and in laws are being bothered by this.  He said it is fine and inevitable, and that his parents know how to handle it well.  I said for his parents to block the numbers – he said they won’t yet as it hasn’t been bad, but if and when in the future if things happen to escalate and my parents lose it and harass them – they would.  He told me to rest assured that it is all under control.  I asked him if he finds the whole thing stressful.  He states he doesn’t and understands it, we continued to talk and the gist of it is that he wants to make sure I don’t get too triggered or upset, as that will directly effect him as well and we will go back to a few months and a year ago when I was not making my calmness a priority – which you know.

I guess I did feel triggered, of course.  The rest of the dinner feeling not centered for me.  No fault of my sisters.

My  husband said something so simple that made sense: it is what it is, it’s family we are all there for each other and supportive – there are gonna be more and less stressful times.  This is true, but I felt everly so slightly annoyed that as soon as my husband and I are on the right path and moving in the right direction FINALLY with progress on my end, there is another curve ball.  NO fault of my sisters, of course my parents – she went no contact to protect herself, she didn’t bring harm – it is them.

I will respect this time for my sister, being acutely in need, and feeling vulnerable, scared, possibly alone.  I respect this.

I will also learn to know myself, better than ever perhaps – and develop the fine tuning that is needed to be both there for someone close to myself, but also shielded enough so that I am not overly re-triggered myself.  That will be a work in progress.

I know that it is a huge relief and help, and immensely appreciated by all of us that of course we have your support.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.