Dear Anita,

Emotional regulation – sums it up.  I am glad we had this exchange today as well.

I often struggle with this after work on a Friday, having had a long day, no breaks, and having a mentally and physically draining day that involves a lot of activation by definition.  I notice that I used to feel quite irritated by the fact that I arrived home and didn’t feel relaxed.  I now recognize it is often “work” to wind down.  An active process.  Whether it be unplugging from the computer or phone.  Taking an extra long walk to get home.  Perhaps heading to a yoga class if possible.  Or if nothing more some stretching and breathing at home, taking more than just a few minutes.

Often writing to you after a long day can also be helpful, as it sums up what really matters, or allows me to point out what actually may be bothering me – and if nothing – now, after this exchange, perhaps I can see – nothing is “wrong” I am just having trouble emotionally regulating, dimming the switch.  And that is okay, just takes some work and time.

Dear Anita,

Great point, I do agree that him being able to “admit to himself how bad things are” has been helpful to him.  In fact we talked about how he has spent a lot of his life trying to “convince himself things aren’t that bad, and trying to always see a good in things.” We talked about how in many ways in life that is a positive thing, but it can be detrimental when scenarios/situations and people are truly bad or harmful.  The importance of seeing reality as is – and either accepting the truth, or if needed changing your perspective/plan/goal etc.  It is nice to see that in so many ways he has helped me tremendously.  I mean, as you know he has been my rock on this path – and without him perhaps I wouldn’t be so “far” on my journey.  But it is nice to see scenarios in which I have helped him find some clarity.

I can see in your scenario how excitement can be activating.  And even if it is not related to fear per se in that moment, it is also activating like fear and stress are – so can be equally distressing.  Makes perfect sense to me.

I can recall a scenario when I felt similar, or similar concept (not to compare at all to your story, but just inspired a memory of my own).  I recall with certain people that I am not that close to – say a second degree friend or sort of colleague type — if I find myself being social butterfly with them and getting excited, I have a lot of trouble “turning it off” so lets say it is now time to go home and relax and sleep – I can not – I am still so activated that it is now turned into that same feeling of high energy anxiety.  Hard to differentiate, and in fact it is the same.  This is behind the reason why I have become so selective of who I interact with now (when I can – of course my job is social and so are many parts of my life, the majority of it).  But the parts I do have control over –  I am working on.  I used to think of it like when the light bulb is on and blaring bright, the dimmer switch is then broken.  I know for me a lot of this traces back to the SCC role.  But in scenarios that aren’t exactly that – I notice, that excitement of any kind does not feel “relaxing”.  I recall this from a charity event I attended for just one hour (I don’t usually go to such things as they are stuffy, full of pretentious people etc – this was a specific scenario).  I became so caught up with small talk that when i went home I was entirely frenzied and could not turn it off.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable and found myself wishing I never went.  Looking back, that “dimmer” switch was broken.  The activation persisted, positive or negative -didn’t matter – activation/excitement was distressing and not comfortable and relaxing.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  4 days and 19 hours, it says, since the last time we were on here.  Interesting, as 4 days is a long time these days for you and I to have a break.  It is a nice thing, very nice thing to look forward to – our forum here.

So since we last spoke – I took a different approach.

It was that “hell week” as they call it – the severe PMS week.  And as I have mentioned time and again, I am quite aware of my worsening of mood, irritability, and overall unease during this week.

This time around however, I didn’t put as much pressure on myself to stick to self care tactics to “ease” those days.  Given that I have been busier at work, to put that added pressure on myself didn’t really help.

As you know I had a great evening with my college best friend last week.  It jumpstarted a week of good vibes for me.  Spending time with that friend reminded me of how good quality people can be.  Seeing that over the summer I had much distress dealing with certain people, it is easy to forget that great quality friends do exist.  Many of my very close friends do not live in NYC – and that is just fine, as we have a long lasting friendship and bond.  Moreover, I have decreased more than 50% of my friends over the last yaer as you know.  Giving myself more time for myself, my husband, and those who truly matter.  I RSVPed No to the last wedding of the season  -clearing up a lot of mental space for October and the fall – no more pressure for events for a while.

So we had a great weekend.  My husband wanted to go to a concert last minute on Friday, and he was able to get out of work on time – so we went! My sister went as it is one of her favorite bands – and we had a truly amazing time.  Great energy, music, bringing back memories.  It was joyous.

The rest of the weekend as well.

I went back to being myself.  What else has helped is the following.  All of the labwork etc from the gyn regarding fertility has come back pretty much normal.  Which is what I expected.  I needed to have that objective data though, given that I am science based as a physician and know the statistics.  I notice how I needed to “confirm” that for myself.  This has decreased A LOT of pressure for me.  Yes, it doesn’t mean I have tons of time – but I am not pushing myself to proceed in that route immediately.  My husband and I have a lot on our plate, and possible new jobs/relocation on the horizon.  One step at a time, it will all work out.  I know that in a few months if things settle down a little, or longer, I can always revisit the idea of going back to this physician for added info – or perhaps any future testing that is needed.

I notice that a while back, I visited a therapist.  Not one that I found to be very helpful.  And I noticed how during this time I was truly seeking to find a way.  Exhuasted, feeling I needed more to help me.  But over the past week, having some fun has been the best remedy of all.  Of course time permitting.  Having those moments with good people, fun times (such as the concert) really can be a breath of fresh air and reset.  The best part of all – it was on our terms and our choice (unlike planned events with others such as weddings etc).  This is exactly the type of freedom and time we need.

I wonder how you are doing, how has your last week been?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good afternoon/morning.

I had a good beginning of this week.  Yesterday my friend S was in town – the one having that wedding next year with the overpriced hotel – she is my best friend from college.  She is also the person my parents called a few months back if you recall and asked “how I was doing.”

I spent the evening with her and my sister.  It was fun to hear about her wedding plans peripherally, and not too much detail or too much involvement on my end.  We had some good laughs and discussed some memories, girl time.

My husband met up with my sister and I a little later for dinner.  My sister asked him about his job, etc – and he opened up to her a lot about the infrastructure at work – how there’s little respect, terrible organization, etc etc.

I bring this up because I was listening to him talking about it very openly – without diminishing the bad for once, to someone else.  I was a listener.

It is the natural state of my husband to say things are fine, or not to complain.  But yesterday, he did not complain, but he definitely was honest about how bad things are, and how much burn out.

It really left me with a deep sad feeling, late into that night, poor sleep, and throughout this day.  A sad, deep heavy aching feeling.

The reason I am writing about this is that, I know a lot of the heaviness I feel is because of his suffering.  I walked outside for 20 mins earlier.  Seeing Wall street people having lunch in the sun, smiling laughing.  Getting a moment to get a break and catch fresh air -be human.  And I thought about how my husband does not get this chance, and it is not that it is unfair – it is just not human.  It is not human.

I know we have been through this topic.  And I do have hope that we will find a better opportunity for him elsewhere.  But it is heavy – and I wanted to make a note of that today.

It isn’t a blame thing, or a definition of why there is heaviness.  As of course what I deal with is predominantly trauma, and this heaviness is one part of it.  Its just tiring and heavy.  I do hope for some resolution soon.

Besides that all is well.  I feel more fatigued than usual today, a tired and achey feeling.  Perhaps if I have the energy later I will try to go to a gentle yoga class – stretching always helps.

Dear Anita,

Yes, perhaps tell yourself: I am “dreading” yet another appt, but I know I must as it is good for me and preventative care.  I know that in time I will muster up the mental energy to proceed.  For now, I am okay. I don’t have to push myself too hard.

It is okay and great you do not engage in a lot of practical everyday living.  I don’t know all of the details of your personal life, and of course don’t want to assume.  But, I do know you have a reasonable, loving, and supportive husband – that likely does take care of a lot of the practicalities.  You deserve that.  You exert a lot of effort in your healing and maintaining peace with yourself and husband, that is a job in and of itself!!

I do look forward to meeting you, whenever that may be, no rush –and probably our husbands join as well (only after perhaps, as we do deserve our own one-on-one time for at least a moment after all these years!).

The concept of win-win resonates in my head daily, for so many things.  Thank you for teaching me this.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I agree.  That is all for now on my end, as in for today. (enough problems last week right, start this week off fresh! lol)  I know it has been a tumultuous few weeks on my end, starting with July London trip, seeing how much my husband is suffering, and feeling a lot of difficulty holding onto that power – and seeing positive in things.  You have worked very hard all summer in helping me, going back and reviewing what we spoke about – and truly creating a real life working space for me.  Endless gratitude for: us.

I hope that I can continue to work on this as you say.  I also know that each day is different, and achievements in the past and successes does not always equal it will continue – but I am creating a good bank of proof and exercise that it works.

How have you been? Do you feel that now that you are a month or more out of that scare you had, that you feel different in some way – in any sort of lasting way? I wonder. If you want to share. If not, that is fine 🙂

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

What I meant about the mean guy is this:

The mean guy can be anyone, it can truly be a “mean” guy/gal – or what appears to be an aggressive or oppressive situation.

I did end up going to the even on Saturday night.  Why? Because it would be a nice night out with my husband and his cousins who I like (yes there are many of them, and 2 rotten eggs should not spoil the whole tray).  And needless to say I had a BLAST.  LIkely the best night I have had in maybe months or a year! Good quality time with girls (his cousins) singing, dancing, and just overall enjoyment – lighthearted and fun.

Now what about the “mean guy” – well Cousin S, came in and of course presented herself as the diva she is, I gave her a fake smile and continued my conversation with the cousin who the event is for/bride to be.  The old me would have felt so awkward about doing that – and the new me DID feel so akward about doing that, but I persisted.  As you said, if it doesn’t feel weird doing it, and if the other person doesn’t notice it, I am not doing it “hard” enough – it is not enough of a change.

It was, I can not say what she thought – but I could tell by the end of the night hours later, the thought must have went through her head: CC is avoiding me/ or  being weird/ or being a B****

Whatever she thought, that’s on her.

BUT I changed my behavior to adapt to the reality of the situation, the reality of how I felt, the reality of who she showed me she is, and I:

minimize distress and maximize calm and contentment

I did it, I truly did!

This is not to say each interaction with a person that may have hurt us in the past will be so simple.  Yes, if we were all cooped up in a living room and not in a vast NYC lounge, there may have been more of an awkwardness/feeling to interact.  But we will cross that bridge when we get there.  First steps are important and valid.

So back to what I wrote:

the mean guy does not have much power as I think. not at all – only in my head.

My sister and I refer to my mother as parrot.  For a few reasons. The visual of an annoying bobble head parrot continuing to peck on your shoulder, pecking and squawking.  It also reminds me of the visual you made for me, and the frenzied bird.  It fits. It also goes along with the omnipresent mother voice.  And lastly, it is a comical visual – and for my sister and I, humor is a large part of who we are – and healing, separately and perhaps together.

So parrot has taught us (me) that the “bad guy” is a large and almighty being.  A monster that takes over the room/a situation/ LIFE.  The monster takes over OUR life.

So in any scenario, the mean lady at work, this cousin – it is insinuated that my ENTIRE experience will be spoiled by this entity. And that NOTHING good can happen, and all that may be good (other cousins there, other good parts of the working day etc) are ENTIRELY overshadowed by this entity/and their energy.

Yes, it is possible…at times. But no – this is not reality.  Nope..

Ironically, who is that monster?! My mother – and yours.

parrot warned us about monsters, but she is the scariest and truest monster of all

An omnipresent being that indeed take over our ENTIRE lives and brains.  Yes, how ironic she scared my sister and I about these sort of beings making them these scary ghouls that haunt us – but in fact she is the biggest monster of all, hiding under the bed, in the close, everywhere and anywhere.

We give these people too much power.  I give these people too much power.

Not on purpose of course, but  because I was trained to give power AWAY.  Never knowing it could be any other way.

Here, take it.  It isn’t mine to keep anyway ….

But it is.  It is mine to keep.  It is the homeless person in front of times square to keep.  It is the president’s to keep.

Personal human power, we all have it – it’s just that some of us give it away more than others.  Some consciously, and many (lik myself) subconsciously.

Last week was an EXCELLENT example of this.  Not one but two examples

1) I utilized assertive and firm communication with an offender at work, and our air was cleared, and I believe here forward our interactions will be more peaceful.  And that is what it is about – finding peace and contentment.

2) The above scenario, I did NOT allow an “offender” to take away any joy from my night or the night of my husband and I. Which by the way, my good mood was contagious, and my husband had even more fun than he expected, good vibes all around.

I asserted myself (both scenarios differently) WITHOUT giving my power away.

See the person as who they really are once they show you, but do not believe them to be a big scary monster with all the power.

They are just another human, and you my dear, are a powerful young woman, don’t you ever forget that.

You have the will to believe, to breathe and live, and lastly to find peace and contentment.  Here is proof.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.