Dear Anita,

I think perhaps it is out of her scope of practice, and perhaps she hesitated before knowing the full story/imaging etc.

I don’t know her/the situation but I will say that unfortunately these days there is so much information out there in the world/internet that perhaps some providers wait for the whole story to explain any details – as in there is “too much information” at times – so patients may question any opinion until they “know for sure.”

Perhaps this is not the case at all and she truly had no idea!

Medicine is unpredictable – and so some physicians (or NPs maybe) are very conservative and give no feedback until the end.  Others are more “open” and say in my opinion this seems like X, but let’s wait until the results come back.

As you can tell I am in the latter, my “open-ness” does correlate to my profession – and it benefits patients, it is the human touch.  I can’t say I am superior than others that may not provide this, but just different.

This NP maybe was just different.

I can see your hesitation in getting this other exam, perhaps fear of the results, and perhaps sheer exhaustion of going through anything medical.  It is in the pain in the butt to go, wait in the waiting room, change, go through the whole hoopla.  Not fun.

Don’t worry too much about it, but of course don’t prolong too long.  Give yourself perhaps another month?

Dear Anita,

Yes, perhaps tell yourself: I am “dreading” yet another appt, but I know I must as it is good for me and preventative care.  I know that in time I will muster up the mental energy to proceed.  For now, I am okay. I don’t have to push myself too hard.

It is okay and great you do not engage in a lot of practical everyday living.  I don’t know all of the details of your personal life, and of course don’t want to assume.  But, I do know you have a reasonable, loving, and supportive husband – that likely does take care of a lot of the practicalities.  You deserve that.  You exert a lot of effort in your healing and maintaining peace with yourself and husband, that is a job in and of itself!!

I do look forward to meeting you, whenever that may be, no rush –and probably our husbands join as well (only after perhaps, as we do deserve our own one-on-one time for at least a moment after all these years!).

The concept of win-win resonates in my head daily, for so many things.  Thank you for teaching me this.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

All I have to say is:

🙂

Dear Anita,

Good afternoon/morning.

I had a good beginning of this week.  Yesterday my friend S was in town – the one having that wedding next year with the overpriced hotel – she is my best friend from college.  She is also the person my parents called a few months back if you recall and asked “how I was doing.”

I spent the evening with her and my sister.  It was fun to hear about her wedding plans peripherally, and not too much detail or too much involvement on my end.  We had some good laughs and discussed some memories, girl time.

My husband met up with my sister and I a little later for dinner.  My sister asked him about his job, etc – and he opened up to her a lot about the infrastructure at work – how there’s little respect, terrible organization, etc etc.

I bring this up because I was listening to him talking about it very openly – without diminishing the bad for once, to someone else.  I was a listener.

It is the natural state of my husband to say things are fine, or not to complain.  But yesterday, he did not complain, but he definitely was honest about how bad things are, and how much burn out.

It really left me with a deep sad feeling, late into that night, poor sleep, and throughout this day.  A sad, deep heavy aching feeling.

The reason I am writing about this is that, I know a lot of the heaviness I feel is because of his suffering.  I walked outside for 20 mins earlier.  Seeing Wall street people having lunch in the sun, smiling laughing.  Getting a moment to get a break and catch fresh air -be human.  And I thought about how my husband does not get this chance, and it is not that it is unfair – it is just not human.  It is not human.

I know we have been through this topic.  And I do have hope that we will find a better opportunity for him elsewhere.  But it is heavy – and I wanted to make a note of that today.

It isn’t a blame thing, or a definition of why there is heaviness.  As of course what I deal with is predominantly trauma, and this heaviness is one part of it.  Its just tiring and heavy.  I do hope for some resolution soon.

Besides that all is well.  I feel more fatigued than usual today, a tired and achey feeling.  Perhaps if I have the energy later I will try to go to a gentle yoga class – stretching always helps.

Dear Anita,

Relaxing into this truth – is the phrase I was searching for this morning.  I had a feeling when I explained it to you, you would find the term!

I want to work on this, accept things as they are, not create too much suffering over it – and also not “lose myself” in the depressed state of this job so to speak.

I will repeat, we can’t do anything right now, but have hope it will change in the near future.  There are many other good things in life, and I have many resources in front of me that help with self care.  I will continue to utilize them.  Nothing I do can acutely change the situation right now – yes helping to find opportunities, but it can not become an obsession.

Life goes on, it will ebb and flow.

Thank you for listening.  And that Wall street guy, sounds about right – a classic show off! Yes so much anxiety with this sort of person, rampant around the city.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  4 days and 19 hours, it says, since the last time we were on here.  Interesting, as 4 days is a long time these days for you and I to have a break.  It is a nice thing, very nice thing to look forward to – our forum here.

So since we last spoke – I took a different approach.

It was that “hell week” as they call it – the severe PMS week.  And as I have mentioned time and again, I am quite aware of my worsening of mood, irritability, and overall unease during this week.

This time around however, I didn’t put as much pressure on myself to stick to self care tactics to “ease” those days.  Given that I have been busier at work, to put that added pressure on myself didn’t really help.

As you know I had a great evening with my college best friend last week.  It jumpstarted a week of good vibes for me.  Spending time with that friend reminded me of how good quality people can be.  Seeing that over the summer I had much distress dealing with certain people, it is easy to forget that great quality friends do exist.  Many of my very close friends do not live in NYC – and that is just fine, as we have a long lasting friendship and bond.  Moreover, I have decreased more than 50% of my friends over the last yaer as you know.  Giving myself more time for myself, my husband, and those who truly matter.  I RSVPed No to the last wedding of the season  -clearing up a lot of mental space for October and the fall – no more pressure for events for a while.

So we had a great weekend.  My husband wanted to go to a concert last minute on Friday, and he was able to get out of work on time – so we went! My sister went as it is one of her favorite bands – and we had a truly amazing time.  Great energy, music, bringing back memories.  It was joyous.

The rest of the weekend as well.

I went back to being myself.  What else has helped is the following.  All of the labwork etc from the gyn regarding fertility has come back pretty much normal.  Which is what I expected.  I needed to have that objective data though, given that I am science based as a physician and know the statistics.  I notice how I needed to “confirm” that for myself.  This has decreased A LOT of pressure for me.  Yes, it doesn’t mean I have tons of time – but I am not pushing myself to proceed in that route immediately.  My husband and I have a lot on our plate, and possible new jobs/relocation on the horizon.  One step at a time, it will all work out.  I know that in a few months if things settle down a little, or longer, I can always revisit the idea of going back to this physician for added info – or perhaps any future testing that is needed.

I notice that a while back, I visited a therapist.  Not one that I found to be very helpful.  And I noticed how during this time I was truly seeking to find a way.  Exhuasted, feeling I needed more to help me.  But over the past week, having some fun has been the best remedy of all.  Of course time permitting.  Having those moments with good people, fun times (such as the concert) really can be a breath of fresh air and reset.  The best part of all – it was on our terms and our choice (unlike planned events with others such as weddings etc).  This is exactly the type of freedom and time we need.

I wonder how you are doing, how has your last week been?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes, you are right, my sister and I are closer – and we have both developed good boundaries (and ongoing continued work) and enjoy each other’s company in a win-win scenario.  I am glad for this.

Yes, my husband was in great spirits on Friday, and the concert definitely added to it.

I am glad for your routine test being over! (and normal of course!) Congratulations on another step, and hopefully less doctors visits now!

Yes, I am familiar with Filipino cuisine – very meat heavy!! Do you feel you were overwhelmed by the excitement because you didn’t have a true connection with any of the people in particular? Or perhaps just too many people – kind of like at weddings.  I assume your husband was there to keep you company?

Just like you said above, choosing the interaction, and with the people YOU want can be empowering and a lot less draining.  But of course large social events can be good ONCE in a while.  (and less and less desirable with each coming year/maturity)

These days time is limited so the type of person I exert energy with is key.

Dear Anita,

Great point, I do agree that him being able to “admit to himself how bad things are” has been helpful to him.  In fact we talked about how he has spent a lot of his life trying to “convince himself things aren’t that bad, and trying to always see a good in things.” We talked about how in many ways in life that is a positive thing, but it can be detrimental when scenarios/situations and people are truly bad or harmful.  The importance of seeing reality as is – and either accepting the truth, or if needed changing your perspective/plan/goal etc.  It is nice to see that in so many ways he has helped me tremendously.  I mean, as you know he has been my rock on this path – and without him perhaps I wouldn’t be so “far” on my journey.  But it is nice to see scenarios in which I have helped him find some clarity.

I can see in your scenario how excitement can be activating.  And even if it is not related to fear per se in that moment, it is also activating like fear and stress are – so can be equally distressing.  Makes perfect sense to me.

I can recall a scenario when I felt similar, or similar concept (not to compare at all to your story, but just inspired a memory of my own).  I recall with certain people that I am not that close to – say a second degree friend or sort of colleague type — if I find myself being social butterfly with them and getting excited, I have a lot of trouble “turning it off” so lets say it is now time to go home and relax and sleep – I can not – I am still so activated that it is now turned into that same feeling of high energy anxiety.  Hard to differentiate, and in fact it is the same.  This is behind the reason why I have become so selective of who I interact with now (when I can – of course my job is social and so are many parts of my life, the majority of it).  But the parts I do have control over –  I am working on.  I used to think of it like when the light bulb is on and blaring bright, the dimmer switch is then broken.  I know for me a lot of this traces back to the SCC role.  But in scenarios that aren’t exactly that – I notice, that excitement of any kind does not feel “relaxing”.  I recall this from a charity event I attended for just one hour (I don’t usually go to such things as they are stuffy, full of pretentious people etc – this was a specific scenario).  I became so caught up with small talk that when i went home I was entirely frenzied and could not turn it off.  I felt incredibly uncomfortable and found myself wishing I never went.  Looking back, that “dimmer” switch was broken.  The activation persisted, positive or negative -didn’t matter – activation/excitement was distressing and not comfortable and relaxing.