Dear Anita,

Good morning. I too felt that affection after your last post. I think it’s best for me to let you catch up on all we wrote yesterday. Reply when ready and we can take it from there 🙂

Great!

i was about to post about the second half of your post in regards to BPD. SO SO SO much I have to say about this. Not really my opinions about what you said per se but more so the fact that it is confirmatory. To be quite honest I know a lot about Borderline personality disorder, not just from my education and patienTs I have come across come off but also MANY MANY personal encounters. you recall a week or so I mentioned the term, but is soon as I wrote it on the computer, I felt guilty for calling my sister this. It was almost like I heard my mother saying the same thing, how dare you judge me, look at all the problems that you have. How dare you call your sister borderline. Look at yourself!!!!! Soo What did I do as soon as I put the term borderline and my sister in the same sentence???? I started to think about myself. I started to think of all of the things that I used to do in my 20s that were erratic behavior, and could I be the same. . In a way I looked at ways to humble myself to not judge my sister. Saying oh she’s not so bad I was the same. , I validated my sisters behaviors by thinking back to my old self. See how I did this? I invalidated my strengths or not strengths per se (but increases stability – better adjustment for lack of a better term) by bringing myself down.
this is what it is Anita.
Their anger and roars bring me down and make me stick to their level. As when I am above or different I am not relatable to them. It causes anger. They don’t want to believe they are flawed or defective alone. They want to know that cc is no better. Ha look at CC and all her issues! She doesn’t know anything. Look at her blaming us!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I have so so much to say about this! To the point that when I read your post this morning, I was in a meeting with my building, and I wanted to run out and call you and say YESSSS!!!

Anyway here I am now, and I am going to go through everything you wrote and add my stream of consciousness.  Some of it well thought out deep rooted ideas, other new realizations that wont be full developed.  I will bold what you wrote in the last post. And un bold is me.

(Oh I love our organization!)

The dust is still being thrown into my eyes”- yes, as you stated, no longer by my mother, but by my sister.  not to compare, but also dust is dust. of course my mothers dust made me paralyzed unable to have any real true life.  i got away.  but now that I am away, my sister’s dust holds me back ever so often, and chronically in my marriage.  More on that later I am sure…I’ll add (not for sake of redundancy but the real importance of it) she continues to say things like “cc blames me for all her problems” but here look.  the dust IS BEING thrown into my eyes by HER.  so is SHE creating problems for me/my marriage? INDEED YES.

Part of the dust she threw into your eyes has been that “victim role” she practices, which led you to keep seeing her as “the true victim” and yourself as not a true victim but instead as a savior (which fits with your role as Super Cali Chica), 

Yes, hard to know where to begin with this one, so much to say isn’t there? I’ll closes my eyes and type then: I think of my sister as a wounded child that does NOT LOOK up to her sister with innocent eyes and for help – but instead balks.  has a twisted face and kicks and screams and is constipated for lack of a better term.  wound up and constipated with crap – dishing out crap to everyone in site. wah wah wah wah. wahhhh.

 “We are both victims from the same mother”, and that she is not more of a victim than you (“no such thing as one person being more of a victim”). nope there isn’t.  ya know Anita, the other day, maybe a few weeks ago we were talking about something, say things we get grossed out by – public toilets and such.  and she makes a comment “well you were never like this, but I always was so scared of…” whatever thing.  I immediately corrected her statement and said: “well that is an extreme thing to say, I am sure I was scared of X from time to time myself.”

Point: she thinks black and whitee.  she was wounded and victimized with all of these fears.  CC older sister was not and was light and free and had it MUCH EASIER. I think deep down she thinks this way which leads to A LOT OF HER ANGER.  It was one of the first time I cut her off and responded that way and it felt validating.  She would usually talk back and say something emphatically like: “god jeez I didn’t mean it that way – god it’s not personal”  this time around she didn’t good.  she needed to shut up.  she makes such a big deal about how she doesn’t like when I compare or assume things about her.  Doesn’t she do that about me?

Your sister criticized you for having been obsessed with S. But in my communication with her (not giving details) she has been extremely obsessed with (non-family) individuals in her life. Why would she accuse you or complain to you about you obsessing about S, using that word that so defines her state f mind. Is it that she doesn’t see that she has pathologically (says I) obsessed about others herself?

What a good one, glad this was brought up.

First of all, I am not obsessed with S.  She is my best friend.  My husband and I went to stay with her in Philly this past weekend and it was the most wonderful heartwarming time.  I finally got to talk to her in person about her wedding planning, and meet her fiance.  Here’s what I realized a few months ago.  S was driving me crazy! That is okay! Friends do that sometimes.  True friendships do.  She was coming to me with so many wedding related questions and talks that it was triggering me.  She also was clueless about marriage and weddings and all.  Now months later she has learned a lot.   She will be 37 and never been in a serious relationship, she had a lot of growing and adjusting to do – and still does.  I have tenderness and space for that.  Talking in person was much needed and long overdue, I felt that all of my annoyances at her over the summer were because I felt bombarded by her wedding stuff during a time I was too busy.  Once I assertively and maturely let he know I wasn’t in a place to help her then, it was fine! I have been friends with S over 15 years through moves, changes, relationships, everything! That is impressive on both of our ends. S is like family and will always be.  It was confirmed this weekend as always and oh what a blessing she is as a friend!!

My sister could not relate to this for a second, and perhaps if she continues the way she does, she never will.  She has zero credibility to comment on long term serious relationships full of mutual respect.  She has none (long term deep ones I mean).

She also doesn’t understand that annoyances with friends does not equal hatred.  Annoyances also do not equal obsession.  Sure I will say over the summer I was not handling the S situation well.  Why? I had not learned assertive communication.  I was doing what my sister may, answering S all the time, but then getting annoyed about it and complaining about it.  How immature and negative! Instead I quickly learned to talk to her directly and it was all fine, and has been for months.  My sister failed to remember that part didn’t she! Just like my mother, a wonderful memory for all I have done wrong!

Well I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t done so much right.  A full life with a husband and great friends (including Anita) .

My sister can’t say the same – and I thought she would soon – but if she continues the way she does…well….

Anyway her obsessions with friends.  She absolutely CONSTANTLY for her whole life only has negative things to say about her friends.  ALL THE TIME.  You know how you and her heard about S.  For what, a short period right? Did you hear about every other friend of mine over and over and how annoying they are? no.  Because if I really felt that way about them, I got  rid of them (that friend of glitter) and I actually have VALUE for the people in my life (including you) which she SEVERELY SEVERELY LACKS.  She’s so busy blaming others, she sees no fault in herself.  Remember her complaint at how that friend didn’t do the intervention with her, about the other friend who drinks too much and gets sloppy.  Well I only saw her side back then.  Blindsided.  Now I see that she has a normal group of friends, each one with their own personalities – she doesn’t leave room for growth and getting to know these people.  Knowing a group of girls for a year does not mean all of a sudden you are an expert on them and always right.

Next, I do believe my sister has a lot of jealousy.  I have noticed that when her friend gets a date or complains about a date, how it really bothers her.  I used to agree.  Now I see a portion of it as resentment – of why does someone have more options than me? Seeing herself as very worthy, but yet terribly insecure at the same time.  I don’t judge her for this – I am not making a joke of it either, but she lacks any awareness of it.

In addition, I do believe she has jealousy of me, and thinking that things are seemingly easy and seamless for me, and I act annoying, childish, or whatever.

“She has a lot of anger and resentment about why her life is the way it is”

Soooooo much.  just like my mother.  Unlike when I used to feel this way, I would feel sad, and then look to others and wish perhaps I had what they had.  I didn’t spew hate and jealousy onto them.  That was always my mother’s doing.  Say I went home at 25 and said “mom I wish I could find a boyfriend like so and so – shes so happy” my mother would be the one to spew the fire: “oh look at her, she has nothing, garbage!!! she managed to get that guy, and not someone like you!!!”

the fire hatred and negativity never originated within me first.  sure, did I start to echo these thoughts over time and time.  of course! but internally I haven’t been angry, vindictive, or jealous of others EVER!

you sent her a message “saying that I will be missing in action for the rest of the month as I have a lot to attend to but of course let me know of any true emergency. She didn’t reply. –would have been friendly and sisterly if she texted back: take all the time that you need, I am fine and I want the best for you.

Exactly Anita, exactly.  Was I surprised – nope.  What does that say? Well you have always wanted me to be honest and not always well spoken.  Here it is: that she is a selfish immature little brat.

Have I sent a message like that to others over this past grueling year.  Yess.  When I sent it to S – you know what she said? Take all the time you need – I am ALWAYS here in any form.

I had tears Anita.  NO ONE has ever said that to me (yes my husband would but he is on the inside).  Looking back I was SHOCKED bc I was so used  to playing savior now now now – never expecting the other person to say don’t worry I am fine, focus on you!

Why? because my mother and sister aren’t fine, and have high likelihood of not being fine, and RESENT when I focus on me.  are jealous of it too.  HOW DARE CC be focusing on herself, look at her! so selfish and smart! hmmph!!!!

————-

in her description of that day to me – birthday, there was no mention of any of the positives you mentioned: that it was her favorite restaurants, that it was chosen because it was her favorite, and what she did share was indeed what you refer to as negative.

yup, just like the many times she simply decides xmas morning – nope not going to come! when my in laws and extended family have planned for her to come with open arms. Rude, selfish, and lack of respect and value.  Disgusting.  esp for someone who prides herself on being so “cultured and kind”

In your apartment, “Just normal conversation.. enjoyed ourselves.. Normal as could be”- well, she didn’t tell you that she got angry at you during that time in your apartment.

No She did not tell me.  And of course not.  But do you nnotice a trend. I am not saying I am an innocent puppy – but I go off and talk and am my TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF 99 percent of my llife. talking chatting, laughing, going on and on.  sure maybea little loud maybe very chatty – but all in good spirits.

she on the other hand – sits back and judges and judges and is filled with annoyance and anger over and over. JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.  I CAN VISUALIZE IT 100000000000000000 TIMES.  WOW

—

My summary this morning:

Okay going to address your amazing summary in the next post! avaialable for the next 3 hours!

Dear Anita,

Well when we gathered there – at my apt nothing stands out looking back. My in laws were happy my sister joined us. Just normal conversation. I assume my in laws knew she was NC. I think my parents had called them a few times and I hear about it and just really enjoyed ourselves and talked about the dog etc. Normal as could be. Like my parents, every interaction with my miles does it tend to be something that is stand out, a lot of normalcy and regular. So nope – Nothing stands out about that time.

Dear Anita,

Good morning to you.

I just re-read the first post that we spoke about in this chain. Yours from January 5 in the morning. Reading at this morning gave me an even deeper appreciation for it. All of your well thought out statements about the dust, they seem to make more and more sense every day. I haven’t talk to my sister in the last few days. I let her know that I’m extremely busy and then I’m going to be MIA. That was the best I could do a few days ago because I didn’t want to deal with Anything – and was mentally busy with many other things.

You are right, the dust is still being thrown into my eyes, no longer by my mother. My sister has played the victim role her whole entire life. The funny thing is, I didn’t think that she was playing the victim role, I thought that she truly was the victim. In many instances, this cut me from feeling that I was a victim, and feeling that I had to do everything to save her, the true victim.

Learning from summer for actions of recent, as well as everything that we have spoken about reminds me that we are both victims. We are both victims from the same mother, but our trauma is not to be compared. There is no such thing as one person being more of a victim. There is no such thing as because she has dealt with something more recently I have to set myself back. Because I too am a victim.

I know I did a lot of comparing. I thought of myself in my 20s being a Radick as well, sending people messages and asking for help without a regard to what was going on in their life. Always feeling like I was thinking from a ship, needing an float. Screaming out desperately for that float from anyone from anything.  Of course this is why I understand partly where she is coming from as it is not entirely foreign behavior. However the more I got to know it I noticed that the anger, the rudeness, and the lack of respect is new behavior. This is something foreign to me, and that is why it feels especially ugly. Because it is ugly.

You mentioned that it is best that I do not compare my behavior to hers. That makes sense, it is entirely useless. It is like saying that a friend that constantly bombard me with her divorce is OK to infiltrate my life at this time because I too used to do that 20 years ago.

The point is that you could have tenderness for what people are going through, but you don’t need to regress and throw yourself backwards to relate to them. I think this is the key thing I’m learning.

I picture this, a nice couple on a stroll, content and happy walking through Central Park let’s say. The wife is pretty relax, has a flowery dress on, and is attentive to her husband. He’s telling her a story about work. All of a sudden her phone goes off, she ignores it. Then it goes off again two or three times. She looks at the text messages. She’s now in grossed in answering the phone, while her husband continues to tell the story. At a certain point he stops, and she doesn’t even realize. 15 minutes into the walk, she looks up it doesn’t even know where she is, and how they walk so far. She looks at her husband and says so do you want to walk more?He looks at her puzzled.

Now of course this is simplified, and of course this is part of my life story with my sister but not the whole thing. Reason this visual comes to mind is that when I see it, you’re in for that wife to put her phone down. Are you in for her to simply be, and keep walking. What is so important on that phone that it needs to be addressed right now? I feel the energy in there a walk after this transition, the patience that the husband has but the frustration. The panic and Francie that the wife has to attend to some one quickly. Not a way to live.

I recall being frenzied and seeking that float, and I’ll bring this up not to compare to my sister but to make a point.  I’ve had many older female friends throughout my years, people that continue to be my friends many of which were sources of support during those times. I look back and of course this was a time in which media and text messaging was not as profound. But the point is, I would seek out their advice or support, and they would give it to me when it was convenient to them of course. They did not drop everything and call me At any hour in the day. The benefit of text messaging in this world is that people are constantly available, all the negative of text messaging in this world that people are constantly available. When it comes to my sister and I, the text messaging has become a detriment, because it keeps conversation going all day. I am also at fault for this, as we’ve had many fun conversations in and Out of each day all the time. But the issue was it’s not difficult to have fun. Just like it was with my mother, so many laughs, sO much humor.

But the other side?

When it comes to negative things about other people. If she was here on this thread do you know what she would say? She would say, well you’re the same. Think about how much you were complaining about S this summer! I would be stumped and think yes she’s right. We are all like that because our mother.

But this is untrue. I have been friends with S for over 15 years and only over the summer for a short amount of time was I finding some of her things annoying. That is friendship – it happens.  If I acted like my sister with people I would never have any friends long-term. Surprise surprise, she doesn’t! She constantly compares the way I act with people with her, In a way kind of saying that it’s not like I’m much better! I was thinking about this last night, she does this to make herself feel better. She has a lot of anger and resentment about why her life is the way it is.  Of course it is improving now. She thinks we are alike – or that my behaviours are bad too. I’ll tell you Anita in the last year or the times with my husband and I have had the most to stress was when she was involved. In fact, during my birthday, I felt so frenzied, and looking back it was probably because her presence incites frenzy in me. It’s a weird combination of having a ton of fun with her but also feeling frenzied from her. Perhaps not unlike the way I used to feel around my mother. Another person who would quickly flip to the victim card if needed.Thanksgiving the same and the whole incident with her dog. And her making the comment of  why we can’t keep her dog. Blatantly openly in front of my husband.

Shameless. Shameless.

As I told you some of the talks of California are back on. I don’t have the capacity to open up conversation with her anytime soon as my focus needs to be on California. If I open up a conversation about some agreements with her, and the sort of contract that we spoke about, it will Open a can of worms of passive aggressive behavior. Which will lead me to feel MAJORLY guilty and at unease.

I look back at the times when I tried to reason with my mother and explain to her some boundaries and it led her to try to guilt trip me and manipulate me. I don’t have time for that right now. But what I do know is that I need some distance. I sent her a text message yesterday saying that I will be missing in action for the rest of the month as I have a lot to attend to but of course let me know of any true emergency. She didn’t reply. Her passive aggressive way is always such. But I was OK with that. For now that is all I need.

Dear Anita,

it is crazy. In fact it reminds me of the line that you said years ago when I was explaining to you my mother. You said “get off the crazy train.” I Did. But this crazy remains. my decision will not be going no contact with my sister. The decision will be to draft a plan as you said to make life easier. Any idea where to start? If and when you have time I would love to go through some of this today or whenever

Dear Anita,

Good morning and thank you for your post. I woke up today feeling a little hazy. Well it’s a Monday morning and I don’t have to go to work! It feels quite odd, perhaps slightly uneasy. But I’ll take it! I’m glad to be sitting with some coffee and able to write to you, not at work  But in the comfort of my own home

now that is special!

So when I think of a dust storm I think of somebody traveling great distances – with decreased ability to see, having difficulty walking, and feeling their entire body exhausted.
A bite as you said is different, it is pinpoint, you can attend to a bite in one part of your body and it does not affect your entire body. Once you heal the bite, the rest of your body is untouched. This is not the case.
I woke up this morning feeling kind of hazy, a slow start to my day into my brain. I thought about how a lot of people must feel like that, and so they allow themselves to ease into the day, into whatever they are doing. They are not jolted into their morning like a shock.  I read your entire post and I thought about it all yesterday, especially the concepts of how she will continue to throw dust. I thought to myself. We are both From the same mother and have had similar trauma, of course different aspects of it, but similar trauma. Could it be that perhaps the anger my sister has towards me is really truly making her a B****.

Well YES – for  lack of a better term the way she acted is exactly like this. I never saw her like that I always saw her as someone desperate, pulling the victim card constantly, confused, insecure, etc. but never that. I would never have thought to think of that term and my sister even in the same sentence! But it’s true.

I do this thing, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that she constantly throws back how I used to be. I do this thing where I think back to how I was at her age. I think back to my erratic behaviors. Most of them do not involve her as she was younger, and I was away at college or medical school. These are out of behaviors of mine were always directed towards the boyfriend at the time. I recall myself acting similar to her, expecting the person I was dating to predict what I wanted, and getting annoyed and short with them if they did it. I recall being all over the place one moment wanting something in the next moment not realizing it was incorrect for me, but projecting that annoyance outward. Always everything at word. Never anything in.

But Unlike my mother who projected everything out and gained energy and power from this. What did I gain? I gained more self-hatred. This is how I know that I will never be like my mother, because I dohave the ability to look back and be very ashamed of many of those actions, especially of how I treated my husband which we have talked about for over a year.

I know that it’s not an excuse to say, my internal distress and anger has caused me to treat others poorly. It’s not an excuse, but it’s what we work on here, knowing that those qualities are not truly us, and that we could work through them once we learn better coping skills. In fact, in the last two months Anita, I have realized that I am actually a wonderful loving person just like I thought I was, and those incidents with myself and my husband – As terrible as they are, are far from the way I truly feel. I think about how it took me years to get to the point to know myself better. Perhaps my sister is not anywhere close to that. But here’s the thing, when she consistently brings me back as a ball and chain, by throwing old ways at me such as “you used to do this too.” Or saying things like “you always blame me for all your problems.” It’s hard to not think “oh man I used to be like her too I can’t judge that.”

But the difference is — I wasn’t like that Anita I was not and am not – like that.

In this last incident, my husband was disappointed and hurt. Not to the point that he was devastated. But he wasdisappointed and annoyed. My husband has gotten much better about explaining what he is feeling and thinking, after all the work that I have been doing too. He mentioned things like my sister is just respectful, and not that she owes us after all we have done for her, but of all people she should be able to be more flexible for us. In addition, not to be all traditional but usually your older sisters brother-in-law is someone that you respect. If he asks for a favor, and the sister, my sister, is just dismissive and hasty, that’s pretty rude. Especially given the circumstance that my husband has gone out ofHis way above and beyond to be an older brother for her, and my in-laws treat her as family as well, always looking out for her, and making sure that she is well, and has family support. As you know if I go over to my in-laws they always ask about her, and say if she’s not doing anything to bring her, my mother-in-law always pack some extra bag of food for her as well when we are leaving. Etc etc.
My husband and I ended the conversation by saying, that she truly just does not have value for all that we are doing for her and always would do for her. It’s never that we want anything in return, but respect is something that it’s not too much to ask for.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

My last day of work at this grueling job.  Yes, it is! Here’s to having time in NYC being FREE! Of all things I have learned in 2019 – mental space and freedom top the list!

Thank you for giving me support as I learned this lesson, and thank you for showing me that it is priceless.

I hope you have a wonderful end to your 2019.  I will be away from regularly using the computer over the next few weeks as I will be making some trips to see friends and not in a usual routine.

I will be sure to update you about the move – and anything that is related to that – and of course just to talk!

Anita, you are one of the main highlights of my year – and i Hope you will always know that.

Cheers to 2020 – to health and inner circle!