Dear Anita,

Wow. Now that you wrote this out like this – it sounds absurd. Ridiculous.’

It sounds like when I was trying to defend my mother – and saying “that’s just how it is.”

Of course this is not nearly as extreme.  But it myself validating biting aka abuse.  Wrong. So wrong.

Not a way to live – not a necessity for life or relationships – this biting or abuse.

wow…I am going to take that in for a moment…

Dear Anita,

Great imagery – and the analogy to a puppy really works for me (especially since I am a dog person it really pertains here!).

Here’s the thing Anita.  I have in the past given her direct feedback when being bitten.  Such as coming back from a 6 hour flight with the flu and being burdened with something.

Her response: defensiveness and also throwing it back at me.  Let me elaborate for our conversation’s sake.

I told her: “i literally just got back from all of this and open up these messages!”

Her approach was like this: reminding me many times I have done exactly the same – and that for the majority of time I was NC and she was not, she suffered plenty hiding things from me, therefore she shouldn’t be blamed as she has done a great job of protecting me.  And god forbid she slips once in a while – jeez!!!!

so then me: I am thinking wow, she is not getting what we are talking about in this EXACT moment.  Sounds just like my mother, finding a way to relate it to something in the past, not taking ownership to what is going on right now exactly.  Also like my mother to remind you of all the good work she’s done, and that she is only human and is allowed slip ups once in a while – jeez!!!

so then her response was to get more angry and defensive and say: “i can’t do this right now” and hangs up the phone.

of course this is not an appropriate way to approach a situations – I call her back and say – listen, we are going on a trip together early tomorrow morning, this is destined to come up, I would like to speak about this and settle it right now if you are okay with that.  Let me tell you why I was irritated at learning all this information at this very moment, and then you can tell me your side.

So that’s how it went.  And of course we went on our trip and enjoyed each other – delightful puppy.  It wasnt fake. No not at all. It was real – it’s just that like you said the puppy can bite unpreditably.  And unfortunately my husband and I both don’t have much tolerance or neurons left for  bites (not that anyone should) but you know what I mean…

I have more to say but I will send this first and wait for your reply…

Dear Anita,

Thank you – and yes the coffee is just what we need this morning.

Also, in regards to my sister – something interesting.

She texted me this morning and asked “is everything okay?”

During this past week of back and forth with my husband – I haven’t communicated with her as much as I am preserving my neurons for the work that is in front of me.

It occurred to me what you said some while back: “if people don’t notice a change – you aren’t doing it hard enough” (something of that sort)

The old me would jump to correct the person if they felt a shift or change: I would apologize and say oh no sorry for not being around, or this or that.  I would then over compensate.

I did not.  I will not.

——-

I notice that I think of SD as a place for a fresh start – but in fact you can live any life you want anywhere – with strong boundaries in tact.

Dear Anita,

How illuminating.  You have pointed out something that I have never thought of.

Before I continue I want to say: my husband a few weeks or month ago stated “i think your sister is actually kind of selfish, she does what works for her, and quick to make it known when things aren’t right for her.”

I quickly went to my sister’s defense and said that and that.

Point is, we don’t have to typecast or judge or make names – but he is right.  He was right he tends to be often I am realizing over the years – lol.

But he has mentioned this in different forms, and I did not accept this as a truth.  The Thanksgiving example is a perfect one.  She said okay in a flat tone.  Not in an understanding way.  Not in the way of someone who is brought into her sister’s in laws home like family, treated like such – and wishes to burden them the least way possible.  Nope, not like that.

It did not occur to me that my sister may be, many times acting in HER own best interest.  That she may be utilizing the victim role, but that it is her choice, and not just because her history.  Perhaps using that ability to ignite my guilt and good will, and that of my husband.

Wow – what a concept.

Then you wrote:

There is more anger in her than there is in you. Your ROAR is loud and direct; hers is hidden in silence…

Yes!! You hit the nail on the head.  This is something I was trying to get to, and you verbalized it so well.  In fact I think this sort of anger is more insidious and dangerous, as it can creep up on you unpredictably and make you feel quite quite bad.

Yes, it can.

—————-

Okay, I read your main post again:  from 9:12 am your time – I call it main as it was very pivotal for me.

You wrote:

“He will learn to trust me”- I think he will. He is invested in trusting you, he wants to trust you, but he is scared, he doesn’t know if he should. Over time, experiencing your consistency, he will relax and he will trust you.

He wants to – yes he does, you are extremely right.  He is scared.  This slips my mind Anita.  I forget how he is scared, and rightfully so.  I am not gentle with him, as someone who is scared.  I plow over this.  I must be more aware.

How can I be more aware?

When I am not frenzied, when I slow down. When I don’t allow a moment of frenzy to turn into an episode of frenzy.

Then I can be aware of what is in front of me, perhaps a timid and scared husband.  Perhaps an agitated husband.  Perhaps a confused person.

To tie in the above with this, adding in sources of passive-aggressive or agitated angry energy in this – will clearly be a lose-lose situation.  Destined for failure.

My sister has mentioned time and again how “I blame her for all my problems.” I know she feels like this and so it is often like walking on eggshells when explaining things.

I notice now that what I was trying to say in the past is the following:

I don’t want to feel guilty for not wanting to invest lots of energy in you.  I don’t want to deal with you passive aggressive or know it all attitude.  and yes, sometimes your energy makes me wound up and frenzied – and that can catapult into frenzied episodes with either you or my husband or both.  just doesn’t feel like great energy.

—-you can guess but you don’t know. And what that does is.. well, it feeds the Frenzy.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I read your post carefully.  It makes great sense to me and I am going to let it sink in, and read it once more.

The part that I do want to comment on right now, that occurred to me as a flicker is this:

My guilt associated with my sister is holding me back.  A weight with a sharp spark that ignites frenzy – as you so aptly alluded.

Do you recall about a year ago – you explained to me something very important? You stated how the first struggle of sorts was “breaking up” so to speak with my parents.  And now here- is number two – breaking up with my sister – so to speak.  I don’t recall all the details of what we discussed.

Shortly thereafter I went on a hiatus of more than a month or so of not speaking to my sister.  It was during this time that I could actually sink in to being in nyc, and my next chapter.  As the beginning of this chapter was inundated by her.

So then of course we began to speak again and learned to develop a better relationship.

Anyway, there was a point where we had gotten into some small argument, and she said: “well you didn’t even talk to me for a month or two after we moved here, how rude!!”

“how rude”

I realized how she did not get it at all.  I realize that this ignited even more guilt on my end.  Not for not having talked to her then, no that was a good idea. I did not regret that.  But I realized at that very moment that she had no clue.  She made it entirely about her.  She felt entitled to speak to me, and did not think “why would I not be spoken to.” Or if she did think of that, it did not come out as her main reaction.  Her main reaction was anger and that she was done wrong.  How it was unfair.

Fast forward until now.  I notice that I do not believe her to be someone who is capable of truly getting it entirely.  Issue is she THINKS she always gets it.  So sometimes I am fooled.  But I must remind myself this is untrue.  And it is not my responsibility to explain to her – but responsibility to myself and my husband to maintain peace and non-frenzy.

I notice her passive aggressive communication makes me quite uncomfortable.  Physically and mentally. I’ll put an example here just to organize it in my brain.

She was over our apartment for an hour or so 2 weeks ago I think.  She stopped by on Friday after work before plans with her friend.  We all sat and talked and mostly focused on my dog.

I asked her what time she was meeting her friend.  She replies sort of petulantly: I dunno!

ok.

Then later on she states she is heading out to meet her friend.  I say ok cool, what are you guys doing.  Same response. I dunno!

I recall feeling weird about this.  Not worried or anything.  But she had no idea how weird that came off.  And how it is passive agressive.  someone is asking you a normal direct question.  Your answer is not normal.  You are literally walking out to meet this person and you don’t know what you are doing? answer like a normal person and say – i am heading to meet her and then we will figure it out.

It was almost like she was uncomfortable and distressed about meeting her friend, that she projected that out.  Or unaware of the plan and perhaps annoyed about it, and so projected that out.

Point being it is not about the friend or plan – but this sort of thing – we all may do it — is a reminder to me that like you said – she expresses anger in many different ways.  Not just overt.  But subtle, and perhaps even silent.

Often the frenzy I feel around her could be sensing this, even nonverbally.  I do think so.

Anyway – like we have spoken about – the guilt must go.  Explanation is futile.  Focus on what I need to do.  And some point – my guilt will fade.

Dear Anita,

fyi before I proceed today, the parentheses key on my computer is broken so I will use dashes.

Good morning.  I hope you enjoyed the walk you had yesterday after a rest.

I went home yesterday evening, with a lot of clarity from our conversations.  I walked in to my apartment and I see my husband there sitting on the couch with his laptop, looking concentrated.  I ask him what he is doing, and he responds: “going over the contract -SD – and thinking of follow up questions and counter options.  I said okay.

So, it looked to me when I walked in that my husband was deep in thought about the SD position.

What a contrast from the morning.  I had read him 2 of your emails during the day – as I told you, and we had both spoke about them as well.

So I gently – something new for me – proceed.  I ask “so what are your thoughts. and do you want to go to your parents today.”

We decided that it was too late to go to his parents, and we could go this weekend.  My husband seem calm and collected.  We went over the SD contract piece by piece and came out with more questions and comments.  After that was done, we spoke more.

He stated that the SD contract is pretty simple.  And the group is very supportive.  They are offering to keep him as an employee for 2 years if that makes him more comfortable versus just one – before heading onto the full private route.  I said that is good.  We continued to talk about some benefits of it.

We then spoke about my potential job at the Naval Medical Center.  How it would be “low key” compared to the private world I am in where they try to stick as many cases as possible – like I always tell you here 18 cases in a day no time for lunch etc.

He mentioned that a MAJOR stresser for him is me.  And of course when he said that he didn’t mean it in an accusatory sense but in the sense of:

I have been so up and down over the last few years, leading to a great deal of distress for him.  You know about this Anita so I don’t need to elaborate it all.  He worries that even if we move to SD I won’t be happy.  Or even if we stay here I won’t be happy.  He worries tremendously about whether I will be okay if I don’t find a great job – and just settle on whatever is there.  This comes from my unhappiness in CT where I only was able to find part time work.

I explained to him that year in CT was terrible because it was daily abuse from my mother.  Nothing made me happy.  I felt inadequate because my first job as a true doctor wasn’t so great – or even full time – so I resented that. I resented every single moment, because my mother was making my life a living hell.

He of course knows this –  but was airing his fears and worries.  Which I am glad for.

I then continued to explain to him that of course I am not “all better” but I have made tremendous progress.

1-ive cut out many toxic people out of my life, aside from my mother

2- my goal for work now is peace, i no longer care so much about career progression per se.  but peace of mind

3- i’ve made changes to my mentality in regards to my sister – this was a huge thing holding me back.  I notice I have still more work to do in this, in the concept of knowing she is not part of our inner circle

and more…

He listened carefully, it is not the first time we have had this conversation – it won’t be the last.  The thing is, as you likely know even better than me, is that it takes time for someone to feel this deep down inside.  I think of him as someone that has been traumatized by myself and my family – not to take blame or guilt for it right now just stating the facts.  It takes time for him to heal, and it takes time for us to heal together, mending old wounds, seeing new sides of one another.  This all takes time – and of course the timing of the move is now – not 10 years from now where there is much more history.  As is life.

The evening was pleasant.  We enjoyed each other’s company and spent time with our dog and watched some TV.  We didn’t continue to converse about it all et nauseum and decided to visit his parents over the weekend.  I think that is a great idea as there is more time as well then to spend there.

——–

I thought a lot about our last conversations yesterday about my sister.  I realize how much I still prioritize her, and a lot of it out of guilt.  I am glad we had those last conversations yesterday as it allows me to free myself from guilt over time, similar to how I did with my mother.  I will think about this some more.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your input.  I will make my comments.

Sometimes you think she is clueless or tactless, not seeing that anger motivated her to say or do this or that.

yes, in fact the other day I asked her about a date her friend went on.  I asked because her friend had told me about it.  My sister’s response was reserved and strange.  I realize later that she likely is slightly jealous her friend went on a date and she hasn’t in a while.  She seems to be very uptight about the concept of dating and not being able to find dates etc.  (makes sense) but she also pretends she doesn’t care and is hasty on the apps (a defense mechanism).  I see how anger and frustration motivates all of it.

Got to limit the relationship thoughtfully

And to your last comment, yes.

I want to add one more thing, she has noticed me be quite frenzied with my husband when with her.  (remember I used to tell you about this).  And I have noticed that her presence agitates me.  Even if she is doing nothing.  In fact when she is around I still have trouble not “performing.” I know that is something I have to work on – but I think at this point it is NOT.

Because right now I don’t want to work on anything.  I simply don’t.  If for some reason it feels like her energy is strange or aggravating, so be it.  I have to accept it.  My husband states I have done much better since about a year ago – when around her.  At first it was really bad, almost feeling like I did with my mother, feeling like I have to be an entertaining person of sorts, a clown or funny person, or find ways to keep her occupied.  I know this is my doing.  But it comes from deep ingrained patterns. I notice that I am “much better overall” I know this because I feel this, the way I have dealt with situations (such as for example the cousin being there at Thanksgiving) – but I notice that I tend to be more frenzied around my sister more often than not.

Good to keep in mind, for now, and for a very long time from now.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.