fbpx
Menu

Self Trust and More

HomeForumsEmotional MasterySelf Trust and More

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 841 through 855 (of 1,009 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #326939
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for your hard and thoughtful work with me today. Thank you for giving me your candid advice and opinions. Thank you for also knowing me well enough (by now) so that I ca. Speak to you knowing you will understand. That is a breath of fresh air.

    The aspect of not diving into guilt about my past mistakes with her. So very true. I didn’t have the growth and awareness I do now. And therefore to hold myself to guilt and feel that I should just be okay with passive aggressive behavior is senseless. That is a lose lose situation.

    Also it is not the fault of neither my sister nor I- but a product of our upbringing as you stated.

    I am heading home now. Luckily my husband is already home. We are going to have a deep thoughtful conversation this evening about all that I spoke to you about. No distraction.
    I will update you tomorrow on it.

    you know – you helped me a lot today. It isn’t about the decision itself today, but the concept of how to approach it. In the second aspect, of how there is much work to be done on my focusing on inner circle – and especially now more than ever – there is no room for any damaging behavior from anyone.

    I appreciate today Anita. I will talk to you very soon. Enjoy your walk today if you are embarking on it soon.

    #326945
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome. I will be walking later, after some rest. I wish you a calm, effective communication and will be glad to read your update when you post next.

    anita

    #327025
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    fyi before I proceed today, the parentheses key on my computer is broken so I will use dashes.

    Good morning.  I hope you enjoyed the walk you had yesterday after a rest.

    I went home yesterday evening, with a lot of clarity from our conversations.  I walked in to my apartment and I see my husband there sitting on the couch with his laptop, looking concentrated.  I ask him what he is doing, and he responds: “going over the contract -SD – and thinking of follow up questions and counter options.  I said okay.

    So, it looked to me when I walked in that my husband was deep in thought about the SD position.

    What a contrast from the morning.  I had read him 2 of your emails during the day – as I told you, and we had both spoke about them as well.

    So I gently – something new for me – proceed.  I ask “so what are your thoughts. and do you want to go to your parents today.”

    We decided that it was too late to go to his parents, and we could go this weekend.  My husband seem calm and collected.  We went over the SD contract piece by piece and came out with more questions and comments.  After that was done, we spoke more.

    He stated that the SD contract is pretty simple.  And the group is very supportive.  They are offering to keep him as an employee for 2 years if that makes him more comfortable versus just one – before heading onto the full private route.  I said that is good.  We continued to talk about some benefits of it.

    We then spoke about my potential job at the Naval Medical Center.  How it would be “low key” compared to the private world I am in where they try to stick as many cases as possible – like I always tell you here 18 cases in a day no time for lunch etc.

    He mentioned that a MAJOR stresser for him is me.  And of course when he said that he didn’t mean it in an accusatory sense but in the sense of:

    I have been so up and down over the last few years, leading to a great deal of distress for him.  You know about this Anita so I don’t need to elaborate it all.  He worries that even if we move to SD I won’t be happy.  Or even if we stay here I won’t be happy.  He worries tremendously about whether I will be okay if I don’t find a great job – and just settle on whatever is there.  This comes from my unhappiness in CT where I only was able to find part time work.

    I explained to him that year in CT was terrible because it was daily abuse from my mother.  Nothing made me happy.  I felt inadequate because my first job as a true doctor wasn’t so great – or even full time – so I resented that. I resented every single moment, because my mother was making my life a living hell.

    He of course knows this –  but was airing his fears and worries.  Which I am glad for.

    I then continued to explain to him that of course I am not “all better” but I have made tremendous progress.

    1-ive cut out many toxic people out of my life, aside from my mother

    2- my goal for work now is peace, i no longer care so much about career progression per se.  but peace of mind

    3- i’ve made changes to my mentality in regards to my sister – this was a huge thing holding me back.  I notice I have still more work to do in this, in the concept of knowing she is not part of our inner circle

    and more…

    He listened carefully, it is not the first time we have had this conversation – it won’t be the last.  The thing is, as you likely know even better than me, is that it takes time for someone to feel this deep down inside.  I think of him as someone that has been traumatized by myself and my family – not to take blame or guilt for it right now just stating the facts.  It takes time for him to heal, and it takes time for us to heal together, mending old wounds, seeing new sides of one another.  This all takes time – and of course the timing of the move is now – not 10 years from now where there is much more history.  As is life.

    The evening was pleasant.  We enjoyed each other’s company and spent time with our dog and watched some TV.  We didn’t continue to converse about it all et nauseum and decided to visit his parents over the weekend.  I think that is a great idea as there is more time as well then to spend there.

    ——–

    I thought a lot about our last conversations yesterday about my sister.  I realize how much I still prioritize her, and a lot of it out of guilt.  I am glad we had those last conversations yesterday as it allows me to free myself from guilt over time, similar to how I did with my mother.  I will think about this some more.

    #327033
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Excellent job yesterday, an A+ if I may grade your performance. All that you wrote in your post today reads reasonable, insightful, fair and wise.

    This is what I see this morning: the major, key element in your future with your husband is his stress level. As you proceed, keep this major element in mind every single day, no exceptions. You do not have.. the luxury of expressing any aggression at all against him. You do need to be honest with him, of course, be true to yourself, be assertive, yes, but never, ever aggressive.

    Have his stress level in mind at all times and choose your words and behavior so to not increase his stress level, and whenever possible, decrease it, and be true to what you value, not to undisciplined anger and frustration.

    I know you care about his well-being, you are a loving wife (I am so glad that I am able to state this!), but think of it for just a moment from a financial perspective: you worked so hard and so has he, to become medical doctors, so much time, work, resources invested, and a significant motivation was to be making significant income, wasn’t it. If you invest in being as patient as you have been with him yesterday, calm and collected, every day, that is likely to bring about a huge increase in your joint income: less stressed, he may choose the private route in SD and that may mean a whole lot more money coming in for years,  than if he remained an employee. Same true for you, less stress for you, better chance you make more money, and experience more professional satisfaction otherwise.

    Having invested so much professionally, it makes a whole lot of sense to not mess it up by having a draining, miserable relationship.

    His stress level is key at this point. Once you allow him the option to stay in nyc, he is more likely to consider SD, because he feels less stressed, less trapped in having-to go to SD. He needs wiggling room, when stressed, an option for an out. So give him that, go easy with him, give him space to go back and forth, don’t force him to go one way or the other. Allow him to take the lead, to experience a sense of power and freedom to choose, and he will be less stressed and he will choose one way or the other on time.

    Also, show him, over time, that you are calm and collected in different scenarios, no matter what, and he will learn to trust you to remain calm (and you will trust yourself as well, Self Trust and all).

    Do keep your sister in your outer circle- this is a no brainer as far as it being advantageous to you, husband and your sister, no disadvantage at all (other than that subjective feeling of guilt on your part, which is not congruent with reality).

    anita

     

    #327041
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    One of my favorite posts from you, of all time.  Not only because you believe I did a great, A plus job, but because it is a perfect example of a back-and-forth between us that we both fully comprehend.  I TRULY comprehend everything that you wrote here.  No, many of these are not new topics for us.  You have mentioned many times how I should not ever be aggressive with my husband, and more.  Yet, today, this morning – I truly can take into account all that you wrote.  I want to reflect a little on why that is now, versus before…

    I notice that it is my frenzied nature/behavior that causes more stress than anything.  You highlighted this in your post.  It isn’t so much about the CONTENT of what is going on.  The exact issue, worry, scenario.  It is more of the approach.  Is the approach stress oriented, or is it patient and thoughtful.

    In my history it has not been patient or thoughtful.  I look back at my childhood and can hardly recall any scenario like this.  I recall one coming to mind, my father helping me sell my car.  At first it starting off relaxed and calm, and quickly escalating to anxiety, then aggression, then hysteria.  Just like that – always.  My norm was insanity.  My norm was stress.  My norm IS STRESS.

    I know if a person does not believe something about themselves, it is difficult for them to manifest it often.  I do not truly believe that I can be a low key low stress person deep down inside.  I think perhaps I am addicted to being stressed and frenzied and thus seek it even when there is no place for it.  Now being a perfect time to be aware of this.

    So in conclusion here: it isn’t about the topic, as much as my approach to it.  The concept of a frenzied/stressed approach vs. a gentle/calm one.

    ————–

    Now back to your post above:

    You do not have.. the luxury of expressing any aggression at all against him. You do need to be honest with him, of course, be true to yourself, be assertive, yes, but never, ever aggressive.

    I do not have this luxury.  No I do not.  I have not been doing a consistent job in reminding myself this.  When I realize this is a priority for me, for us – I will make it a consistent act on my end.

    Have his stress level in mind at all times and choose your words and behavior so to not increase his stress level,

    Yes, as above.

    Also, show him, over time, that you are calm and collected in different scenarios, no matter what, and he will learn to trust you to remain calm (and you will trust yourself as well, Self Trust and all).

    This is key.  He will learn to trust me. Only with consistency.  I can visualize this happening.  I can see it being real – I truly can.  Therefore, I know I have it in me, and I know he has it in him.  We are a great, hard-working team.  And he is a patient, loving man.  I know we can do it.

    Lastly, the part of my sister.  I can’t explain how pivotal this is for me.  The guilt remains – it is a reality, and will only decrease over time — I mean I recall being ever so guilty over my mother’s every emotion years ago, and that went away.  I know this is different, but in many ways similar.  Not being responsible for someone else’s well being.  Not being responsible to make sure someone is okay and stable.  Not feeling guilty to give more of myself just by nature of familial relationships.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #327051
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    So pleased to read your recent post, to see how my input is being appreciated, considered and taken in so thoroughly.

    The Frenzy, the “concept of a frenzied/ stressed approach vs. gentle/calm one”, “starting off relaxed and calm, and quickly escalating to anxiety, then aggression, then hysteria. Just like that- always.. My norm IS STRESS… I do not truly believe that I can be a low key stress person deep down inside”-

    – the Frenzy has been my experience for decades and I didn’t believe otherwise was possible for me. You can imagine my surprise when I found out quite recently (following a slow and gradual process) that it is possible for me. I still feel the Frenzy, a rushing in the mind, a moment of panic, and when I do, I slow down. I keep reminding myself to do things slowly, attentively And I do.

    The Frenzy is a brain activity that is habitual. Not taking drugs, there is only one way to quiet that frenzy, and that is to literally slow down. (In the case of things needing to be done fast, it is possible to do those things fast while slowing down the brain-rush, this is something you already do at work, with patients. Do the same elsewhere).

    Slow down every time you feel that brain-rush, that Frenzy. Literally, slow down your movements, including your speech. This slowing down when frenzied is very unpleasant, it is I imagine what would happen to a racing horse, all ready to race, full speed, but then someone adds weights to each one of the horse’s legs, imagine the frustration as the horse wants to run as fast as it can, its mane blowing in the wind. So it is as frustrating as that. And yet, there is no other way but to weigh ourselves down by imaginary weights and .. slow down.

    “He will learn to trust me”- I think he will. He is invested in trusting you, he wants to trust you, but he is scared, he doesn’t know if he should. Over time, experiencing your consistency, he will relax and he will trust you.

    Thing is, you can’t afford one screw up, as in yelling or going on and on and such; two  month of perfect behavior and one screw up and you are back to square one. When I say a screw-up, I don’t mean a moment of anger, when you feel angry (of course you will feel that again), and I don’t  mean your voice naturally rising a bit, or your face muscles tightening with anger, these things will happen again. What I mean is you noticing a moment of Frenzy and seeing to it that it doesn’t progress into an episode of Frenzy.

    Your unjustified guilt over your sister, that is a weight that you are carrying, but not the kind of weight that slows you down, it is a kind of weight that feeds the Frenzy, going back to the horse imagery, it is a weight with spikes that cause the horse pain and so, it runs faster, frenzied!

    You are not responsible for her well being, but even if you were, if you leave her out of your inner circle, you will be promoting her well being by doing just that. Having her in your inner circle promotes her sickness. She needs an inner circle for herself that does not  include you. It is so because the two of you share a sick home of origin. Have her out of your inner circle is like removing some of that sick home of origin from her life.

    What I mean by this, in case I am not clear, is that it doesn’t matter what you say and do  now in the company of your sister, what you communicate to her now. Her anger at you, her experience with you now is almost a perfect replay of her past childhood experience in her home of origin.

    So you are not responsible for her, but even if you were, the right thing for you to do for her well being is to go with your inner circle, let her go with hers, and keep the two circles separated. At least for the next few years, at the least.

    anita

     

    #327055
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I read your post carefully.  It makes great sense to me and I am going to let it sink in, and read it once more.

    The part that I do want to comment on right now, that occurred to me as a flicker is this:

    My guilt associated with my sister is holding me back.  A weight with a sharp spark that ignites frenzy – as you so aptly alluded.

    Do you recall about a year ago – you explained to me something very important? You stated how the first struggle of sorts was “breaking up” so to speak with my parents.  And now here- is number two – breaking up with my sister – so to speak.  I don’t recall all the details of what we discussed.

    Shortly thereafter I went on a hiatus of more than a month or so of not speaking to my sister.  It was during this time that I could actually sink in to being in nyc, and my next chapter.  As the beginning of this chapter was inundated by her.

    So then of course we began to speak again and learned to develop a better relationship.

    Anyway, there was a point where we had gotten into some small argument, and she said: “well you didn’t even talk to me for a month or two after we moved here, how rude!!”

    “how rude”

    I realized how she did not get it at all.  I realize that this ignited even more guilt on my end.  Not for not having talked to her then, no that was a good idea. I did not regret that.  But I realized at that very moment that she had no clue.  She made it entirely about her.  She felt entitled to speak to me, and did not think “why would I not be spoken to.” Or if she did think of that, it did not come out as her main reaction.  Her main reaction was anger and that she was done wrong.  How it was unfair.

    Fast forward until now.  I notice that I do not believe her to be someone who is capable of truly getting it entirely.  Issue is she THINKS she always gets it.  So sometimes I am fooled.  But I must remind myself this is untrue.  And it is not my responsibility to explain to her – but responsibility to myself and my husband to maintain peace and non-frenzy.

    I notice her passive aggressive communication makes me quite uncomfortable.  Physically and mentally. I’ll put an example here just to organize it in my brain.

    She was over our apartment for an hour or so 2 weeks ago I think.  She stopped by on Friday after work before plans with her friend.  We all sat and talked and mostly focused on my dog.

    I asked her what time she was meeting her friend.  She replies sort of petulantly: I dunno!

    ok.

    Then later on she states she is heading out to meet her friend.  I say ok cool, what are you guys doing.  Same response. I dunno!

    I recall feeling weird about this.  Not worried or anything.  But she had no idea how weird that came off.  And how it is passive agressive.  someone is asking you a normal direct question.  Your answer is not normal.  You are literally walking out to meet this person and you don’t know what you are doing? answer like a normal person and say – i am heading to meet her and then we will figure it out.

    It was almost like she was uncomfortable and distressed about meeting her friend, that she projected that out.  Or unaware of the plan and perhaps annoyed about it, and so projected that out.

    Point being it is not about the friend or plan – but this sort of thing – we all may do it — is a reminder to me that like you said – she expresses anger in many different ways.  Not just overt.  But subtle, and perhaps even silent.

    Often the frenzy I feel around her could be sensing this, even nonverbally.  I do think so.

    Anyway – like we have spoken about – the guilt must go.  Explanation is futile.  Focus on what I need to do.  And some point – my guilt will fade.

     

    #327061
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    To add above, wasn’t able to edit:

    without getting bogged down in too much detail about my sister – the concept is that I must see what the reality is.  I must see guilt is not congruent with reality.  I must also see that I am quite weighed down by this.  Literally everyday I feel this and it affects my husband too.

    We are invited to a baby’s first birthday party next month, a friend of mine who used to also be close family friends with us and my sister.  She is invited too.  My husband I decided we are going to it as they are close friends, and we can make this trip to Philadelphia and see a few different people at once.  When I mentioned she is invited too, his face changed and he stated “oh well maybe she will come maybe not, not as much a priority for her.”

    I see clearly now, that he doesn’t need this either – the added stress – the addition to an inner circle.  no he does not.  He needs breathing room and less stress.

    #327081
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Before I read your recent post, from the last one I submitted to you, I want to repeat the following, with the bold faced letter feature corrected:

    Notice a moment of Frenzy and see to it that it doesn’t progress into an episode of Frenzy.

    And now to your recent post: she said, “well you didn’t even talk to me for a month.. how rude!”, and you “realized how she did not gut it at all.. she had no clue… (she is) not.. someone who is capable of truly getting it entirely”, and you realized “that this ignited even more guilt on  my end”.

    But what if she did get it, what if she did have a clue and knew that she has the ability to ignite your guilt, that it will benefit her if she does,  and then, proceeded to ignite your guilt?

    Maybe it is her who is getting it entirely.. and you who imagine that she has no clue. “sometimes I am fooled”- I suppose so, but not because you sometimes think she gets it, but because you don’t get that your sister too, like so many others, keeps doing what works for her (be it a short term Win) at the expense of others (others’ Lose).

    “Her main reaction was anger and that she was done wrong. How it was unfair”- which leads you to do right by her, to make it fair- that’s her Win. Igniting your guilt- that’s your Lose.

    “her passive aggressive communication makes me quite uncomfortable”- the aim of the passive in passive-aggressive is to make the aggressor look like the victim, and obscure the aggression that way. It makes me think of a recent example you gave, the day after Thanksgiving, she wanted you to keep her dog, and you said no, she said “okay”, and you thought she got it. I don’t think so, I think that you are likely to hear about it again, how rude you were to not keep her dog (after she kept yours etc.) That okay was not really an okay, it was a disguised anger kind of an okay, to be brought up later so to ignite your guilt when needed next.

    Current example: Friday after work, you asked her when she will be meeting her friend, and later what the two of them will be doing, and she answered sort of petulantly, “I dunno!”, to both questions.

    It is possible that she lied and had no meeting planned, and she was not prepared or willing to make up more lies as to when and what. “It was almost like she was uncomfortable and distressed about meeting her friend”, or about lying that she was meeting her friend.

    In summary: even the most unaware people (unaware of the long-term consequences of their words and actions) are aware enough to know what works for them short term. There is more anger in her than there is in you. Your ROAR is loud and direct; hers is hidden in silence, in okays, put aside occasionally while she is delightfully honest, then it is back, and you don’t know where it is, what it is about at any moment in time, what’s going on in her mind, she won’t tell you, you can guess but you don’t know. And what that does is.. well, it feeds the Frenzy.

    anita

     

     

     

    #327085
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    How illuminating.  You have pointed out something that I have never thought of.

    Before I continue I want to say: my husband a few weeks or month ago stated “i think your sister is actually kind of selfish, she does what works for her, and quick to make it known when things aren’t right for her.”

    I quickly went to my sister’s defense and said that and that.

    Point is, we don’t have to typecast or judge or make names – but he is right.  He was right he tends to be often I am realizing over the years – lol.

    But he has mentioned this in different forms, and I did not accept this as a truth.  The Thanksgiving example is a perfect one.  She said okay in a flat tone.  Not in an understanding way.  Not in the way of someone who is brought into her sister’s in laws home like family, treated like such – and wishes to burden them the least way possible.  Nope, not like that.

    It did not occur to me that my sister may be, many times acting in HER own best interest.  That she may be utilizing the victim role, but that it is her choice, and not just because her history.  Perhaps using that ability to ignite my guilt and good will, and that of my husband.

    Wow – what a concept.

    Then you wrote:

    There is more anger in her than there is in you. Your ROAR is loud and direct; hers is hidden in silence…

    Yes!! You hit the nail on the head.  This is something I was trying to get to, and you verbalized it so well.  In fact I think this sort of anger is more insidious and dangerous, as it can creep up on you unpredictably and make you feel quite quite bad.

    Yes, it can.

    —————-

    Okay, I read your main post again:  from 9:12 am your time – I call it main as it was very pivotal for me.

    You wrote:

    “He will learn to trust me”- I think he will. He is invested in trusting you, he wants to trust you, but he is scared, he doesn’t know if he should. Over time, experiencing your consistency, he will relax and he will trust you.

    He wants to – yes he does, you are extremely right.  He is scared.  This slips my mind Anita.  I forget how he is scared, and rightfully so.  I am not gentle with him, as someone who is scared.  I plow over this.  I must be more aware.

    How can I be more aware?

    When I am not frenzied, when I slow down. When I don’t allow a moment of frenzy to turn into an episode of frenzy.

    Then I can be aware of what is in front of me, perhaps a timid and scared husband.  Perhaps an agitated husband.  Perhaps a confused person.

    To tie in the above with this, adding in sources of passive-aggressive or agitated angry energy in this – will clearly be a lose-lose situation.  Destined for failure.

    My sister has mentioned time and again how “I blame her for all my problems.” I know she feels like this and so it is often like walking on eggshells when explaining things.

    I notice now that what I was trying to say in the past is the following:

    I don’t want to feel guilty for not wanting to invest lots of energy in you.  I don’t want to deal with you passive aggressive or know it all attitude.  and yes, sometimes your energy makes me wound up and frenzied – and that can catapult into frenzied episodes with either you or my husband or both.  just doesn’t feel like great energy.

    —-you can guess but you don’t know. And what that does is.. well, it feeds the Frenzy.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #327095
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, be gentle with your husband, be that intentionally, form that intention and carry it through using a soft voice with him, soft face, kind words, fewer, thoughtful, kind words.

    Your sister repeats that you blame her for all your problems- that is a self serving claim, preventing you (if you buy into her claim) from holding her responsible to anything, invalidating your rightful anger; this is the dynamic I see:

    She throws a first punch at you, a passive aggressive punch, but a punch nonetheless->

    You react angrily->

    She throws a second punch: I didn’t do anything (I was passive), and you are blaming me again!->

    You feel confused, guilty, “walking on eggshells”, and still angry (because you were punched twice, after all)… “wound up and frenzied”.

    anita

     

     

    #327231
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for our exchange yesterday.  Extremely helpful and important to me, and I let it all sink in thoroughly.

    This morning I woke up, and thought about the concept of not pressuring someone, putting stress on them – and allowing them wiggle room.  So that they may come to their own, relaxed, comfortable conclusion.

    I like this, and yes – it is foreign to me.  Yes, I have been accustomed to an aggressive approach to communication – being direct, and asking why? what? who? – not appreciating the concept of space, time, and gentleness.

    I see this and I will let it sink in more.

    Also, I will say – I am open to both staying here, in NYC, or relocating.  I really think I am okay with either.  Here are a few reasons why:

    1) One of my major issues with the current state is the job I am in, which allows me no flexiblity – and as you know – hardly allows for lunch, and requires me to push stretchers etc.

    If we stay in NYC, I have decided I will take the month of January entirely off – and then work part time.  This will allow me mental space to have healing on a regular basis – which would be beneficial for myself AND my husband.

    2) If we move to SD, I will take whatever job is available at this time – likely the Naval Medical Center – which seems to be not so bad in terms of hours.

    He will take the job that we have spoke about.

    all in all – both options are good ones.  We are in fact in a good situation, although it may be stressful right now – we will speak with his parents this weekend, not just because of the concept of relocation, but for their wisdom and mentorship and opinions.

    I am glad to have you to bounce my thoughts off of Anita, and of course to gain your wisdom as well.  I hope you are well this morning – it is very cold here today! I thought of you and your extra strong coffee! Totally need that over here as well!

    #327243
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome. I  just had plenty of strong coffee. Cold here as well, may have to start the fire soon. What you wrote this morning is reasonable and wise, says I. Here for you to bounce your thoughts off anytime!

    anita

    #327245
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you – and yes the coffee is just what we need this morning.

    Also, in regards to my sister – something interesting.

    She texted me this morning and asked “is everything okay?”

    During this past week of back and forth with my husband – I haven’t communicated with her as much as I am preserving my neurons for the work that is in front of me.

    It occurred to me what you said some while back: “if people don’t notice a change – you aren’t doing it hard enough” (something of that sort)

    The old me would jump to correct the person if they felt a shift or change: I would apologize and say oh no sorry for not being around, or this or that.  I would then over compensate.

    I did not.  I will not.

    ——-

    I notice that I think of SD as a place for a fresh start – but in fact you can live any life you want anywhere – with strong boundaries in tact.

    #327253
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Your sister texted you: “is everything okay?”- she is anxious, wants to know if you are angry at her or upset, she needs to know she is not in danger of you cutting contact wither, needs to know you are there for her. For as long as she is anxious this way, she will act very nicely toward you, her anger is down while her fear is up. If you answered: “oh no sorry for not being around”, she would have felt better for a while, but sooner than later, while her fear is down and her anger is up, she will express that anger at you in one way or another, in one of those puzzling ways that leave you confused, not identifying that expression as anger, not knowing what it is.

    Problem in a relationship like this is that you don’t know what is going on, you too often don’t know when she is angry and why, so you are.. well, clueless, then something hurts, and you think you were just bitten but you are not sure what happened. And then, you ask her and her answer further confuses you, and all this creates a zzzzz… kind of noise in the brain that .. well, is not  congruent with mental health. For mental health we need clarity, not confusion.

    “you can live any life you want anywhere- with strong boundaries in tact”- I do hope you find ways to put into practice strong boundaries with your sister. It won’t be easy because at times she is delightfully delightful, so  you like her, naturally, and you enjoy her company, but…  you never know when you are going to be bitten next, nor can you prepare for  it, nor  can you.. identify when it happens!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 841 through 855 (of 1,009 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.