Dear Anita,

You wrote: ” If there is no danger there, there is no danger to occupy your attention. ”

yes! this is definitely a large component of my mental state.  I will move away from my husband and generalize it.  My mother always made it a big point to be in awe of people who had a lot of self respect, those who stood their ground, did not “falter.” She put these people or concepts on a pedestal, and made it seem unattainable.  It was “oh look how strong they are” not like us.

This translates like many things into diminished self-trust/validation, but more on that later.  Often times, these types were adored by me and I did feel danger.  Danger of annoying them, not being seen as worthy by them, not being able to meet their standards.  When it comes to say a boyfriend or a husband.  I am positive that if I was with a guy that reacted this way, I would have constant fear – and that would be a downward spiral.

My current situation is that of no fear as you pointed out.  Thus my focus does not go there.  It remains on the external “fears.” Some of which may not even be fears anymore, correct? It is just that the fear based living always quickly focused my attention from me to them, so now it does even if there is nothing to fear – it is true habit.

My husband as an extension of me…let me try to explain this.

When I wrote this I wanted to touch upon the concept of self love, versus outward focus.  To me, for me to love and prioritize my husband I have to value him.  I was not raised to value what I have.  Therefore I was not raised to feel full in my own life.  Thus I was taught that I (and what is in my life) is not enough – there is always more out there.

My husband is not out there.  He is with me.  He is not some “enigmatic perfect match.” If he was, or was that concept, I would obsess over it day and night.  Which I often did in my 20s – obsess over if I will find a good guy.  But when I did meet one, him, I quickly began to not value him  – and this goes along with what you wrote – it was safe, not a place of fear.  There I was onto the next focus.

My mother was always so quick to take her own family (us) for granted no matter what.  As you wrote so long ago, all sacrifices for her were in vain.  Nothing will ever be enough.  In a way I do have that quality when it comes to my husband.  All he does was over looked because I was too busy looking elsewhere.

My husband is not an other.  When my focus quickly shifts from my self (life) to outside of it, due to fear – he is not part of it.

I view him innately as a given, not something that has to be nurtured, given extra care, or respected.  Just like I don’t have to give my own self that self care and love, I don’t to him.  I don’t nurture what is me and mine.  I don’t respect or protect it.  I feel quite BLIND to it.  I have moments when I will realize how lucky I am to have his unconditional love and support, and I feel quite dissociated  from feeling of true GRATEFULNESS OR APPRECIATION.  No, I do not really feel this truly.  It feels kind of like nothing, like I can say the words wow he is amazing I am so lucky, and appreciate it, etc etc – but feel they are just words.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You too are the only person in my life who understands the observations, the journey and the intricacies big and small. This is why when I write to you I am observing, processing, analyzing, and learning all at the same time. What a blessing it is to have someone to do that with. Thank you. It is the highest form of communication.

I understand what you wrote completely. The best part of which is that there is a central theme. The quick shift of focus from myself to the other. To the mother. To the danger. I see this a direct need to relate and focus on her above all. Above myself. Always. This doesn’t change when she’s gone. Instead of her – others fill that role. But isn’t it interesting that I don’t do that for the people who actually matter? Not my husband. The fact that I am making him a priority during this journey is deliberate. If I went with natural – my focus would shift from myself (AND HIM) to people who are far less important. Why do you think that is?

I think it may be because I consider him an extension of me, so it’s easy to “take him for granted” and push that priority to the side. More important is the focus on the other person the danger. Focusing on what’s in front of me (my own life and a loving husband) is equal to enjoying myself at Disney authentically as a child. But taking the focus away from my husband to then worry about my mom (or friend) is attending to my mother.

Dear Anita,

Happy Sunday.  The weekend is winding down, and so are many of my thoughts.  I intentionally took some time from writing to you over the last week.  This is because, I want to practice to sink and savor many of my initial thoughts.  Of recent, I have had a lot more space for new thoughts and observations.  It is very like me to jump to analyze them, or solidify them in my head.  But I have been doing a better job of observing.  It is interesting which ones stick, and which ones float on by.  I see that if I am able to practice this in my head, I am also better at thinking before speaking – and hopefully acting too (with time).  Thoughts before speech before action.  What a ripple effect.  Even more so, interesting how practice with one thought, holding it and not reacting, can translate into less impulse later in the day (with something entirely different).  It is that the practice – period – translates into more stillness, even if the topics or context is not the same.

For example, if I pause before answering a friend who is communicating at a time that is not ideal for me — I also am better later in the day to say pause before SPEAKING when someone is explaining themselves.  Perhaps the idea of pause can translate throughout the day.  One thing however is that it is quite deliberate.  I now over time things can become more “natural” or second nature.

One thought that has continued with me throughout the weekend is this:

First – Why do I have an obsession with communicating with others/sharing with others?

Yes, I have become less social overall – yet I am still in contact with some great close friends, one in particular we speak daily.  It is kind of irrelevant who she is or much about her, because this is based on my end.  So, I always have had this feeling that if something great was happening, I had to share it with a good friend (or sister, or mom back then).  It made the experience more full, fun, and enriched.  I have seen over time and recently, that often I did this because I felt that sharing that experience made it more valid.  Such as sending pictures of a nice night out, versus being able to share it on my own just me and my husband.  Sharing details about a day the following morning, versus just sitting with them and savoring them, just me.  The list goes on but I assume you get my gist.  In thesis, the need to communicate versus sit still. What are your thoughts?

Next, I have touched on this a month ago.  The obsession with people’s lives.  Now this is not obsession of wanting their life, or jealousy.  No not at all.  It is more based on the outward focus vs inward on me.  Here’s an example.  My friend S will tell me that this weekend is a big weekend for her, as her boyfriend is meeting the family.  I am so excited when I get this text.  I stop in my tracks and in my brain to respond to her.  Fine.  And so far this is being a good friend.  But then I find myself thinking about it throughout the day.  I bring it up to my husband or say my sister.  Sure, once again, I am a great empathetic friend – but I notice that I do not like this quality much in me anymore.  I notice that I have a good radar for balance these days, and this quality is off balance.  It is one thing to be great at being responsive and supportive.  But I take it to the next level, it is almost like my thoughts will revolve around that person’s news to a point, even though I am going about my day.  I would much rather be focused on my day and have the boundary of being supportive and excited for my friend and thats it.  I observe that I bring up my friends a lot to other people, husband, sister, or other good friends.  Yes once again because I am an innately social, compassionate, friendly person with a vast friend circle – yes.  But I don’t see others doing this AS much.  I know this is because they are (for the most part) more centered in their OWN lives.  G is not at work thinking about whether S had a good first date last night.  No G is at work thinking about her work or her own life, but if S calls her later, she can be attentive to her at that time.  G doesn’t think about S date 3 times throughout the day.  G doesn’t find herself telling others “oh my best friend is on a first date today I am so glad for her.” Frankly G doesn’t think this much about S all day.  Because G has her own life.  G has her self (and life) as the focus of her mind.  This, Anita, is what it is.  (clearly I am not G – and am quite the opposite)

This one (this last quality) is one I have thought about ALL weekend.  It has helped that I am better about creating boundaries about when to respond to friends.  It is almost like if I left myself get carried away, and be “natural” my whole day may turn into talking to one person or another.  I want to curtail that now.  And with that comes the over thinking about their day.  So if I am in the above example not G, but M.  M thinks about S all day, but she hasn’t responded to her phone calls, so there is less for her to get distracted by.  She is already baseline distracted and focused on others, so answering calls and texts right now will make that worse.  Another example is that I can be with my husband, and have a great time, but still find ways to constantly think about what’s going on in friends lives. it’s almost to a level that a mother can’t stop thinking about her infant no matter where she is! It is almost like I can’t leave it at home.  This is regardless of what it is,whether they have good new or bad news.  And once again, none of it out of envy.  It is more like focusing on them, versus just focusing on me!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

One week ago I wrote, speaking the truth sets me free from her – and that I have my own story.

Incredible what perspective can do.  If I had read this even just 2 weeks ago I would have focused on the exterior, the physical.  That a story consists of what people do.  What they eat, who they talk to, where they go.  Sure, in many ways it does.

But more importantly, a story consists of the inner dialogue of your mind. 

Over the last 2 weeks I did struggle,  I was physically ill, and had to recover, and this also brought my mental state to a distressed place.  Or vice versa, I was mentally struggling, and my immune system was at an all time low, I was prone to breaking down physically and mentally.  I admire this, and respect this.  Our bodies know when to shut down, when to say enough is enough.  Please allow me to sink and savor.  So I did, I had to.

I learned many things, and most of which are through observation – NOT doing.  In fact, as above, the idea of a story is truly a change of perspective, to appreciate your OWN story, it may not involve a new physical path at all.

To form your “own” story which is a “new” story – it may not involve, new habits, people, jobs, locations.  No.  Sure many of those things may help.  Many of those things can be cleansing, but yet, if your perspective remains the same, it does not matter how many new exterior changes you have.

On the flip side, to develop my own “new” story for myself, it does not mean a life of ascetism.  This is not only not possible long term for the majority of the population, it would  be depleting. We are sensient beings requiring a variety of different interactions to feed our souls.  And that is okay.  That is more okay.

What is not okay however, is to go through the motions on the outside, but not have your mind follow along.

See over this weekend, I had many interactions that were just like a few years ago when I was quite social.  We went out with friends, we went to a reception, a family event.  A fun filled weekend with celebration, family and friends.

Yet, 2-3 weeks ago I would have dreaded such a weekend.  Why? Because I realize I worried that I would be there in body, but not in mind.  I would be going through the motions and not be able to enjoy myself.  I would actually get more annoyed that I should be enjoying myself at these types of events, and that I couldn’t – that I could not un-numb.

Un-numbing seemed like such an elusive concept.  How do people do it? Do they quit their jobs and feel all day? Do they take medications? Do they exercise a lot more to release inner turmoil? Do they talk to a therapist to uncover old trauma?

Yes and no.

Un-numbing comes from me.  And only me.  I can un-numb.  I have the tools and power, in me, and only me.  Everything else is just an adjunct.

I have been successful in finally feeling – something.  No my journey is not to heal overnight, it is to see progress.  So that is what I see.  I was able to enjoy a reception fully, and be truly happy for the couple.  How often I didn’t do this before, although on the outside it was fun and laughter.  I did not realize, that I would also compare prior.  See others happy, and think why don’t I have that….hmmm let me pick at all that is wrong in my life and find a solution.  Let me create more mental work for myself.  Because this is all I know how to do.

Mental work, mental turmoil, mental torture.

That’s all I was raised with. Why would you go to a wedding and observe and feel joy? No, you watch them and resent them, why? Well good question – for any reason that comes to mind.

I was taught  to always place negative, resenting emotion onto anything and everything.  So of course I was never truly enjoying or feeling!  I always did think I was.

Then I went from that, to where I was now, numb.

I thought to myself – oh I used to feel, what happened.  Well I didn’t.  Everything I used to do was a lie.  My feelings and ideas of joy were tainted.  It was never authentic, it was never whole.

Now, even to sip a cup of tea, and not have a bad thought for 10 seconds is an accomplishment.  That is more joy than years of living in my mother’s story.  Not in my own.

It is amazing to see that my own story, starts  with only me, and nothing on the outside may have to seemingly change.

Yes I have made many changes in my life, certain people I choose not to interact with.  I do not over burden myself with activity.  I do not seek constant socialization at the risk of never spending time alone.  I try not to escape myself.

Yes, and this is very important.  But yet, I can do the same thing I did 10 years ago, but feel different now – what a concept.

This reception I went to on Saturday, was for a wonderful couple that my husband and I truly enjoy.  Even so, 1-2 years ago if I was there I would have had thoughts that were very different:

-oh look at them, they seem so happy, it is because they have it so easy

-oh how nice it must be to focus on simple things, must be easy for them

-look see in their culture they don’t have to worry about parents as much,  must be nice to have this evening about them

-people like this don’t realize how easy and good they have it, how small their world must be

all of these comments or thoughts above I realize have a central theme.  I would have thought these things because i was simply unhappy and resentful in my own life.

Here I was being mentally tortured day in and day out by my mother, without knowing it.  And then during my own wedding, more blatantly, to my awareness.  Yet, my idea of whether it was wrong did not change.  The abuse worsened but I accepted it.   Instead of squashing her, I squashed myself.  The more I squashed myself the more hatred I had in my heart, for the world, for myself. Abuse bred more abuse.  I became self abusive in my personal language and to others as well – whether in thoughts or speech.

Which brings me to my next topic – the power of self talk.

As you said Anita, the truth will set me free.  Oh how true this is.  But not just truth spoken to others, to my own self.

I have been more observant about the language that I speak to my own self.  I have tried to be less harsh and self critical in my own self talk.  This is harder for me to explain, so I can talk about how I have tried to be less impulsive in when I speak to others.  Never did I realize that even the words we say during casual small talk can have an impact on our own self.  It all reflects back on me.

For example, neighbors in the elevator (strangers – new residents) asked us yesterday if the cafe they were going to was a good idea.  My immediate first thought is no, it is over rated.  But I stopped myself.  No need to spew negativity first always.

I said something like, I personally didn’t find it lived up to the reviews, but there were definitely a few good items.

Sigh – see.  It wasn’t just spurt out without thinking negative..  It was thought out, and constructive..

In other ways, I have tried to be a better listener.  I notice that when I speak (most) people are great listeners.  Surprisingly this is whether I talk about something interesting or not.  I notice this quality in humans, and realize because it is polite and respectful.  I was not raised to be polite and respectful.  I was raised to be self centered and to “get my word heard.”

And where did that get me? Did it win me the nobel prize in speech? Of course not! All it led to was a lot of inner turmoil, poor listening skills, and difficulty with patience.  Roaring like a lion does not make you power strong and powerful.  There are many calm and intelligent animals in the jungle who probably live a nice self focused life, without having to roar their ugly heads all day!

Which reminds me – I am not a master of the animal kingdom, but I notice that.  My affinity would be to a lion, like many people.  Strong, powerful, able to control.

Yet, I am now after all these years able to appreciate the other side.  Say a beautiful swan.  Poised, pensive, and floating on its own.  Now what is so bad about that? Sure the swan does not control the kingdom with her fear factor.  But she also does not have the worry and burden to do so! It is not HER responsibility to hunt and terrorize.  She can float right along.

So what is so bad about that?

Dear Anita,

Hello I hope you had a good weekend.  I did a good job of not being distracted by others, and hearing my own voice.  It feels good to see this.

Another thing that has helped me recently is: speaking my truth.

I realize that the small cover ups we tell our own selves and others can keep us holding onto false beliefs.  If we cover it up to others we may be covering it up to ourselves.

As you we spoke about, I do not feel this is something I want to broadcast to everyone.  Many individuals don’t understand what it takes to have to “let go” of your parents – the amount of trauma, hardship, and bravery one endures.

yet, I notice that speaking my truth is important, to those that matter.

For example I was speaking to a nurse today at work, who I am personal friends with to a point.  She was mentioning something about her mother in law being intrusive.  Instead of just listening, I stated, that I understand what it is like to deal with an intrusive parent – it can be toxic and exhausting.  Yes, it was not much information, but the act of saying it out loud to someone that  I would usually just nod along with – was quite liberating.

similarly, I am finding that with those I am comfortable with – I can admit that I am not say “just relaxing.” I am processing some things and enjoying some alone time.  I can admit it to others that will understand. 

Instead of just saying to a friend oh yes the wedding was a blur, I can admit out loud “I hardly remember my bridal shower because my mom complained the whole ride home.”  if it tis a close or best friend – I can have the liberty to be honest.  if I am honest with close people, I am honest with myself.

it feels good to not feel I have to “cover up” this secret of my mother.  its not a secret.  mothers like her often threaten children with things such as “keep it just between family!” make sure you don’t say anything.

they don’t want their true image to be leaked.  and sure it is not everyones business – but I can be honest with myself and those close to me – now..

Dear Anita,

yes and I realize this is a solo journey in many ways. As much as support is incredible (my husband) you, perhaps a therapist – the mindfulness is the key aspect and that is solo.

Therefore I do realize that feeling that I can help another in this is not truly feasible. Nor should I seek help from others. I found my socialization in the last month was at times seeking some sort of solace. It never worked. Of course it didn’t. The only time I have succeeded in feeling any bit of relief, which is yesterday and today – was from self directed thoughts processes congruent with reality. Like you said – the truth will set me free

To continue… see Anita I thought that in time I could do it all, give myself some time solo to heal and then get back into being super human and heal at the same time. Well that’s not possible. So I thought I tone it back some and not be superhuman but do maybe half as much. And then continue to heal. Well you know what that’s too much too. Maybe I don’t have to do any of it. The answer is in order to fully heal and put all of my power energy towards it, that is my sole 100% priority. It is as though you only have one job in this life and that is it. So be it. This is my job. I choose it. Well this is how I have to think about it. In order to do a fantastic job at it, I have to remind myself it is my sole  and only job at this moment. Just like a childs job when they are born is to only eat and grow. That’s it. Starting from the basics I am learning and growing so I must nourish myself completely. I cannot afford to give any ounce of this to anyone else or anything else. I have full control and how I foster my energy, I give myself permission to do so.  It is now or never. I see the beginning of growth now. And for it to continue I will value and protect me above all. And then this may also translate into valuing my marriage above all. Something I have never ever done.