Dear Anita,

I hope you are having a good time away from your computer.  I let myself savor some of the above terms, but not fully.  When I create space to do so, I appreciate and let it sink in that much deeper.  Here goes.

1) It is about calmly choosing, not being compelled

• to me this read as going with innate, versus “should.” It is picking the path that feels natural, versus the path that should be chosen.  It is allowing something to unfold versus forcing it to come undone..  On that note
• It is quite common for us to want another person to open up, or a situation to present itself – for things to unfold. Yet, often they do at their own time, which can be much “slower” than anticipated.  Thus we feel we can have a role in exposing the element.  This may be poking and prodding until we get our answer, a result, or most importantly “an authentic response.”
• Ironic that at an authentic response can not by nature be arrived at un-authentically — yet we still try we poke and prod
• The end result is never hastened in this way.  Nope. In fact it is most often inhibited, or lost, or worse destroyed
  • how interesting, to push something to go down the path you “want it to” does not make it go down that way at all.  In fact it may go the other way, or simply stand..still.

2) uncompromising authenticity, the real-thing.

• this journey of mine requires uncompromising authenticity.  to me this means being my true self, but first knowing my true self.  it is of utmost importance to understand who is truly me.  Given that my mother has had such a strong, pivotal, and central role in my psyche it is often hard to differentiate what is her and what is me.  Of course this can be delineated in small examples.  Do I even like that movie? Or do I like it because mom convinced us it was the best, and thus I feel I do?
  • Yet, this can become even more dangerous when it leads to self destruction.  Which it does on even a daily basis.
  • Not going home because it is not good use of “enjoying the weather” and instead spending time with colleagues.
    • this by definition shows that the definition of “enjoying” can vary from person to person, from day to day, and from time to time.  And that is okay.  I, and any other person, have the ability and right to define things for myself.  Whether it be what I enjoy, and how i enjoy it.
    • If in that moment it does not seem that the idea of socializing would be enjoyable, so be it.
  • This is self trust, this is self reliance, this is self protection
    • having the faith and confidence that what you choose for your own-self is fine, okay, and
      • If I choose based on what feels right to me, I can rest assured it is the correct decision. it always is.

3) equanimity, not force.

• I can’t say I have much experience with the term equanimity, but it sure does sound good. Even saying the word out loud has a sense of cool, calm, collectedness
• the dictionary defines it as: mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper
  • I have this ability, we all have this ability. I’ll go as far as to say I often choose to over-write this state, and go to a much more “productive, important, and relevant” state – the state, and country of anxiety
  • Now why does the state of anxiety seem more “fitting?” Because it goes with the times.  Everything is a buzz, shouldn’t I be? Everyone is frenzied, shouldn’t I be? My mother is stressed, so of course I am.  This is a stressful time in my house, so of course I am anxious.  It is fitting to be so, isn’t it? I mean why wouldn’t I be if all that around me is such a way?
  • But what about when all around you Isn’t such a way? Does your relevant state change? No, unfortunately, I hate to break it to you – your state has become your natural state, your daily, your YOU.
  • So how to go back from here? To me this reads as, go back to the definition.  We have the ability for mental calmness, but we over-rode it with our big computer like brain for something far more productive and tuned in.  Yet, we tried it over and over, and no good came of it.  Unfortunately the off switch is broken though…
  • So If i go back to the definition, I see that this anxious state isn’t fitting at all now, is it? I tried it.  It didn’t work.  In fact, it caused more problems.  So perhaps I do not have to over ride my nice calm disposition (when it does arrive).
  • Perhaps the opposite of anxiety is not unproductive/lazy/uninterested.  The opposite of anxiety is calm.
    • And if I have the ability for calm, and equanimity (before I put my efforts into over-riding) than I can stick to it.  Stick to it.  Don’t press zoom or fast forward.  Stick to the normal speed, the normal path, the natural way, the calm way.  There is no where to go.  There is nothing to force.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita;

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the support. And it is true, to me it does not what other websites are out there like tiny Buddha, because on this one I “met” you, and that has been such a wonderful addition to my life.  Something I am deeply grateful for.  It enlightens my life.

How have you been?

Dear Anita,

Happy 4th of July.

I processed what you wrote earlier: “I learned, from repeated experience, that every time I learn something new it is seeing more of what I saw yesterday.”

–from this I gather that it is an additive experience, this path.  Not unlike our medical training.  If we see something totally off the grid, we learn this new method, it does not do away with our primary method we learned, it simply adds more, expands the scope.  Thus, we are more versatile, learned, and able.

“It is not seeing something in place of what I saw yesterday, invalidating it, but it is seeing more.”

–I used to think this way.  Before I truly grasped all that I was dealing with. (during the preliminary times I posted and was unable to see the reality which is my mother, and all of its consequences) I used to spend a great deal of time and effort judging what I learned.  A lot of “oh I think this now instead” or “now this is the right way.” What I have learned now is that this is all ever evolving. We see clearer as we live further..  What is clear now was not before, not due to blindness or apathy – but due to the fact that perhaps time and experience had to occur in order to allow for more clarity.  There is no judgement in what we “used to know” for we know more and more now, and will continue to.  We may learn and feel things that are entirely different than what we used to think.  Allow it. Embrace it.

Something interesting just happened to me.  I am working on developing a website and spent a majority of today reading, browsing, getting a lay of the land (internet land that is).  At times I felt great and empowered – woo! At other times I felt overwhelmed and discouraged – wow how many versions of what I want to do are out there already – gosh! All in all, I am pretty mentally drained, but glad to have put some efforts into the above today.

I was on one website builder, and went through the images, and searched “happy” to see if their images embodied the “spirit” I was looking for on my homepage.  Well up popped these images of women, men, and kids, laughing, smiling, eating ice cream, and all.  I looked at one of them and thought – wow that looks like me, the smile and all….Then I thought – wait….I searched “happy” – this picture popped up – it resembles me – therefore…am I “happy.”

Wow – I guess I am.  Interesting, when it can be seen simply as a search term and subsequent smiling picture can embody “happy.” So if thats the case, I am happy, aren’t I… and why not – why shouldn’t I be!

Dear Anita,

I will post again today, as this is something I mean to write about over last week – but never got the chance.

I wanted to reflect on my journey thus far.  Because well – if I don’t who will? Progress is never truly apparent unless we look back and see the difference.  Thus, I owe myself this, because I want to.  So here is my reflection.

• inwardness
  • I have done a better job about focusing on myself, and small family of my husband, myself, and wonderful dog.  I notice that I never focused on what I HAD before, and of course more of what was lacking or missing.  This is of course related to the Disney world, TDW example.  Almost everything is.  I find it is so incredible how injurious that can be.  For example I am sitting outside right now on this lazy summer day.  And I can say to myself ” wow what a day to have alone time” and smile.  Or say the same thing and frown.  Whether having alone time is positive or negative is deeply based on my wiring.  I am slowly starting to re-wire to enjoy time that is not always about other people.  It is a tough balance to be social, but also remain inward focus – it will be an ongoing journey
• my husband
  • I have done a much better job over the last few months, in making him a priority.  By this i mean mentally.  It wasn’t that i was running off and doing things without him, it was that I did not put him first in my brain – as he did me.  This was entirely related to the space that my mother occupied in my brain.  I can not say that as soon as I stopped talking to her, this space magically opened up and was available for others.  No, as you have pointed out, that was just the beginning of the hard work.  Because of my deep wiring to worry and look outward (as above) it doesn’t matter if my mother is in my life or not – because the wiring is there.  Yet, I have done a better job of protecting my energy for my husband.  Not always projecting my anxiety onto him, and most importantly thinking first –which brings me to my next
• thinking before speaking/doing
  • I have always had issues with this.  This issue has not disappeared, I am just more aware.  I realize I often talk to fill in blanks and voids, out of anxiety.  Since my brain is continuously firing, I sometimes exhibit this outward ” firing.” If my brain is more relaxed and less frenzied, so is my speech..  Makes sense…I noticed this past weekend, that I don’t always have to add a comment to a conversation.  Especially when it does not include me.  I tried this out yesterday, and found an interaction with a certain individual was much easier because it was more my listening and her talking. Often this can be the case, especially when you are in a conversation you may not want to be in fully. On the other hand, when speaking with people you do love, thinking before speaking can be instrumental in being a good listener.  I notice that I often struggle with this as I am overwhelmed with the need to “help” and “give” and talk –  but sometimes the other person only needs a good listen.
  • I find this important with both loved ones, and acquaintances, and strangers.  Often if I feel tired or drained from a conversation with an individual, I can look back and think about HOW much I offered to it.  Many times not needed.  Going back to this individual yesterday, I was speaking to a woman who was quite boastful and delusional.  I noticed that once I just started listening, and not adding it was easier.  I didn’t need to comment on what she was saying.  I didn’t need to defend what i was saying.  I didn’t need to do much of anything at all.
  • Prior I may have thought In order to be appropriately “in” a conversation I need to add as well.  This is not always thee case, and I can pick and choose when I want to.  The choice of who I add more with, and who I simply listen more with – is simply with me.  Not adding can be so relaxing at times! I hope to continue more practice in this.
• Absorbing the energy of others
  • I have touched on this before, I consider myself a sponge for the energy of those around me.  This has been effective in my ability to be relatable to many people throughout my life, and extremely intuitive and compassionate. However, over the last year or so – it has led to much distress.  Over the last few months, I “notice” the energy of others around me.  I can not say this deters me from absorbing it, as that is a process that happens without me realizing.  Yet, I do notice.  We are around so many people in life, and what they’re putting out into the world is about them – not about you.  If it is anxiety, insecurity, uneasiness, it is their inner struggle being exhibited.  I don’t have to carry their baggage for them.  It is not helpful for them, or for myself.  Given that I carried my mother’s baggage around her my whole life (without realizing it was baggage – thinking that was just what daughters do) – It is innate for me to do so.  To quell the uneasiness in others, to try to “take on” some of it for them, without even knowing it.  It takes self trust to say (to yourself) I am sorry you aren’t feeling so great, but I am just fine.  I am sorry this individual in front of me is exerting energy that is not positive, I hope they find their way – but it is not my job, it is not up to me.  I can protect my energy.  I must protect my energy.

Dear Anita,

More comes to mind over the last hour. I had a nurse come up to me and apologize for being rude earlier. Interesting. I had absorbed her rude and negative energy earlier and felt even more down. When she apologized it was refreshing and I appreciated it, but of course my mood did not bounce back instantly. This is because my mood isn’t based on her – My mood is based on me and my “extra absorbing” of my surroundings today. I don’t blame others.

Today I feel small, slightly sad, and tired. Today I do not feel big and confident. That is okay.

Dear Anita,

Good morning. How interesting that two individuals could be side by side. One happy with the news they received, one saddened by it. Same news, same time. Or how interesting that a gift to one person can be a burden on another. It is always important to remind ourself that things and people are good for us when they serve us in a positive way. This is relative to each individual personally. But with that being said, if you focus on what you gain – you will maintain a forward mindset. If you focus on what you lose – you stick to stagnation.

Dear Anita,

I hope you are enjoying your summer weekends.  I took some space from writing this weekend because I wanted to observe my thoughts prior to writing them down.  I wanted to sink and savor.

Over the last week, I have been lucky to make some advancements in the career front, and find a space for my passion.  In short, it will be the beginning of hopefully me cultivating my medical skill as well as my creativity – I will add more about this later.

During this week, I have also met many people who are exceptionally nice and helpful.  Surprisingly so.  I find that at first  I was really taken aback.  Surprised, confused, and skeptical.

Growing up my family and I had a plethora of negative expriences with others.  My extended family, which I haven’t shared much about, were quite terrible to us, they would make sure my mother and I were not invited to any family events. At the time I was around 5 years old, my father was extremely busy in his medical residency.  I recall one Xmas party where all of the children were asked to play in a game and my aunts and uncles instructed my young cousins to leave me out.  I still remember sitting on the stairwell looking through the banister, sad and confused why I was different.  Why I was left out.

In addition we dealt with tremendous jealousy.  As an Indian girl I was born fair with hazel eyes, traits that are very desirable.  My cousin was born at the same time, with more “normal” indian traits of brown skin and brown eyes.  I recall as a toddler and as we grew into adolescence and even beyond, this was a sore subject.  My aunt made it a point to put me down in front of others, and dismiss any good about me.  All cruel.  I could write much more, and I am sure I will as time goes on.  But I wanted to just give a glimpse of some of the history.

So, therefore, I have seen a lot of hate Anita.  I have had a lot of cruel hate and jealousy directed towards me as well.  Yes, we know so much about my mom and her ways, but this hate was directed towards her and also the after I was born, directed towards me.  Needless to say, I do not speak to that extended family. To me cruel individuals like this are not family, if they behave like evil enemies.

So now in present day, I am finding myself anxious about these helpful and “extra” nice people I come across.  Could this be too good to be true? This is not because I think the world is a morbid place, its just that I honestly haven’t received tremendous love and support.  Sure I have great friends, but what I am today has been primarily self driven – growing up given that I had the drive and zeal, I could overcome anything  and I have in many ways. 

Yet, it is always great to get true genuine support, without the façade of ulterior motive or something negative.  I have wonderful friends that provide this for which I am blessed. 

So over the last week when I am meeting new people that are so nice and helpful, I am taken aback.  I have seen so much hate – and so it is hard to accept in a way