June 12, 2018 at 12:02 pm #212239
Dear Cali Chica:
You put inside a quote: “this is something that is wired in me and will be for a long time, accept it, don't resist it”- is it something you wrote before or did I? I don't know if it is your words or mine (didn't see those in my last post to you).
Yes, it is taking a long time but improvement and progress is happening and has been happening in your brain already, and a good feeling already experienced many times in the process, it is that an ongoing day after day, month after month significantly improved anxiety, or a much calmer state of mind on a regular basis, waking up this way, finding yourself calm in the middle of the day and at night, and tomorrow, not greatly distressed by daily challenges, month after month, that takes a few years of daily persistent work, work that cannot be rushed.
I will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours. Take good care of yourself.
anitaJune 13, 2018 at 6:42 am #212327
<p>Dear Anita,Good morning. I hope you are enjoying your daily walks this summer. </p><p>You wrote: “You can wake up a certain way, maybe not having slept deeply enough, with higher anxiety. Something happened, maybe a dream that you forgot, pathways activated, chemistry happening and anxiety is high.”</p><p>This exact thing happened to me last night. I woke up at 4 am in a panic, definitely pathways activated, perhaps old buried hurt or trauma resurfacing during sleep. I burst into tears. And to be honest – I was glad. It feels as though chronic anxiety is a shield, it feels like this, there are demons or old hurts inside, and our body keeps running, running and running, chasing and chasing – this is the feeling of anxiety, constant movement, constant ON, never relaxed. and then at times, I feel, I hurt, and I cry. I welcome these moments, as they are hard to come by. Instead the tight anxiety feeling predominates. When I feel a true hurt and cry, it feels real. It feels like there is brain processing of what is going on or trauma. Many times I WANT to feel sad or angry, but instead it is anxiety. Anxiety is the fall back – the go to- the baseline. However, in the middle of the night I felt a tangible emotion building up, and then there was a release. How good it feels to cry. How good it feels to FEEL. Do you ever feel like this? That you look forward to this release of true feeling/crying vs. pent up/anxiety. I know that when I cry – it is progress. These are not tears of emotions for me. These are tears of processing. They aren't tears of being overwhelmed. I don't work this way as my baseline is not to cry or feel sad per se, but to feel anxious. I have read and know, and see, how people/patients do things,drastic things, such as cut their wrists often to “feel.” As much as I never truly felt this way or could relate – what I can see is how refreshing it is to feel a true emotion vs. the jumbled mess of general anxiety. Of course, taking drastic measures to achieve this is entirely unhealthy and a whole other thing. To feel a pin point emotion is refreshing. In my case, I don't walk around the world with sadness and despair. I walk with energy, productivity, and motivation. Yet, sometimes it is nice just to feel and let go. At 4 am to burst into emotion and release or process some (likely old trauma) even 1% – I welcome it. </p>
June 13, 2018 at 7:29 am #212339
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Cali Chica.
Dear Cali Chica:
Yes, it is a good thing to feel, it is refreshing “to feel a true emotion vs. the jumbled mess of general anxiety”
In nature, when an animal is in a dangerous situation, a predator approaching, the animal in danger will not run away unless it is motivated to run a way. This is why nature… invented feelings. The feeling of fear motivates an animal to run, not the situation itself.
Same thing with food and eating. An animal will not be motivated to search for food and eat no matter how malnourished it is unless it feels hunger.
Back to fear: when a child is stuck in a perceived dangerous situation (having a disapproving parent in nature would mean abandoning the child), the child is afraid again and again and stuck, nowhere to run. That ongoing fear with no action (running away) becomes that base anxiety you wrote about many times.
When anxiety is established everything is scary. We fear feeling anything at all, anything unpleasant. Fear invades sadness and even joy. When you cried, it so happens you felt sadness without the fear. Sadness then is not dangerous. It only feels dangerous.
Healing is about feeling sadness, joy, affection, hopes, dreams… without the fear.
anitaJune 13, 2018 at 7:39 am #212341
thank you for your explanation. I appreciate this part especially “That ongoing fear with no action (running away) becomes that base anxiety you wrote about many times. When anxiety is established everything is scary. We fear feeling anything at all, anything unpleasant. Fear invades sadness and even joy. When you cried, it so happens you felt sadness without the fear. Sadness then is not dangerous. It only feels dangerous. Healing is about feeling sadness, joy, affection, hopes, dreams… without the fear”
so in this sense, this baseline anxiety is avoidance of true feeling. It is my shield. It is attempting to protect me. This makes sense because if I TRULY felt all of the “expected” sadness and despair from the events I experienced I would be truly dysfunctional. So this anxiety in a way is a shield to “push through” cover up the true feelings/hurt.
Of course it is not truly protective as it comes with its own huge cost and burden. But from what you wrote I see – anxiety is the body’s way of attempting to protect from danger. The fact that it is omnipresent for me is because I have suffered so much danger/traumafrom a young age that it went into gear full force in the background always.
This is something we spoke about before, and I am glad you re-explained it to me.
How amazing it would be to feel those true feelings. One day.June 13, 2018 at 7:55 am #212347
Dear Cali Chica:
It took me a long time to believe that anxiety is not protective, that it is not helpful in any way, shape or form. Anxiety is sickness, nothing helpful about it. Fear is helpful in dangerous situations, to motivate us to protect ourselves.
On the other hand, anxiety (that “jumbled mess”) exhausts us and makes us less attentive when we really are in a dangerous situation. Anxiety hurts us, it doesn't help us.
The fear in childhood on and on and on, it grows into that … jumbled mess and sticks to everything so that a lot of things that are not dangerous feel dangerous, including our very feelings.
anitaJune 19, 2018 at 6:41 am #213129
<p>Dear Anita,</p><p>I hope you are enjoying your summer weekends. I took some space from writing this weekend because I wanted to observe my thoughts prior to writing them down. I wanted to sink and savor.</p><p>Over the last week, I have been lucky to make some advancements in the career front, and find a space for my passion. In short, it will be the beginning of hopefully me cultivating my medical skill as well as my creativity – I will add more about this later.</p><p>During this week, I have also met many people who are exceptionally nice and helpful. Surprisingly so. I find that at first I was really taken aback. Surprised, confused, and skeptical.</p><p>Growing up my family and I had a plethora of negative expriences with others. My extended family, which I haven't shared much about, were quite terrible to us, they would make sure my mother and I were not invited to any family events. At the time I was around 5 years old, my father was extremely busy in his medical residency. I recall one Xmas party where all of the children were asked to play in a game and my aunts and uncles instructed my young cousins to leave me out. I still remember sitting on the stairwell looking through the banister, sad and confused why I was different. Why I was left out.</p><p>In addition we dealt with tremendous jealousy. As an Indian girl I was born fair with hazel eyes, traits that are very desirable. My cousin was born at the same time, with more “normal” indian traits of brown skin and brown eyes. I recall as a toddler and as we grew into adolescence and even beyond, this was a sore subject. My aunt made it a point to put me down in front of others, and dismiss any good about me. All cruel. I could write much more, and I am sure I will as time goes on. But I wanted to just give a glimpse of some of the history.</p><p>So, therefore, I have seen a lot of hate Anita. I have had a lot of cruel hate and jealousy directed towards me as well. Yes, we know so much about my mom and her ways, but this hate was directed towards her and also the after I was born, directed towards me. Needless to say, I do not speak to that extended family. To me cruel individuals like this are not family, if they behave like evil enemies.</p><p>So now in present day, I am finding myself anxious about these helpful and “extra” nice people I come across. Could this be too good to be true? This is not because I think the world is a morbid place, its just that I honestly haven't received tremendous love and support. Sure I have great friends, but what I am today has been primarily self driven – growing up given that I had the drive and zeal, I could overcome anything and I have in many ways. </p><p>Yet, it is always great to get true genuine support, without the façade of ulterior motive or something negative. I have wonderful friends that provide this for which I am blessed. </p><p>So over the last week when I am meeting new people that are so nice and helpful, I am taken aback. I have seen so much hate – and so it is hard to accept in a way</p>June 19, 2018 at 7:21 am #213141
Dear Cali Chica:
There is a lot of hate, a lot of aggression in the world, past and present, and so, better see it where it is so that we can see where it is not.
Interesting new and old information in your recent post. Fair skin and hazel eyes as a reason to rejection and cruelty- reminds me of a country fair I attended a couple of years ago. There was that enclosure with four little pigs in it. Three of the pigs were dark and one pig was white. It was amazing to watch (and I wanted to get in there and do some justice there!), the three dark pigs bullied the white one, poking him and pushing him again and again, as the bullied pig tried to get away from them.
I am glad you made some career advancements and you mentioned your passion- looking forward to read more from you about these things and any other thing.
anitaJune 19, 2018 at 1:58 pm #213193
today has been a great day. Do you want to know why? Today I didn’t feel any fear, not because my life was better not because my life was different, but because I didn’t allow myself to focus on what will I lose. I asked myself what will I gain? When you go around life wondering what you will gain, you realize you may not need many things at all. you may not need that job that you didn’t want anyway – you may not need that person that you didn’t like anyway, we should think about people and things based on what they add to our life, not what we are missingJune 20, 2018 at 4:25 am #213235
Dear Cali Chica:
Good to read your thoughts and experiences.
I think the birds I am hearing as I type this, so full of life this and every early morning, I think they are focusing on gaining food right now, this is what all this pleasant noise is about. If they were focusing on losing, I think they would be quiet.
anitaJune 20, 2018 at 5:20 am #213245
Good morning. How interesting that two individuals could be side by side. One happy with the news they received, one saddened by it. Same news, same time. Or how interesting that a gift to one person can be a burden on another. It is always important to remind ourself that things and people are good for us when they serve us in a positive way. This is relative to each individual personally. But with that being said, if you focus on what you gain – you will maintain a forward mindset. If you focus on what you lose – you stick to stagnation.June 20, 2018 at 5:53 am #213255
Dear Cali Chica:
Yes, if you focus on what you lose, you are fearful and withdraw. If you focus on what you can gain, you are excited and motivated to move and do, hence the excited singing and going on with the birds, full of activity.
Regarding people “serv(ing) us in a positive way”- win/win is my rule, the healthy way of going about interacting with people. Over time, it should be a win for the two parties in a relationship.
anitaJune 22, 2018 at 8:46 am #213629
I like that win win rule, and I see you excercise it here on this forum as well. Engaging in long term communication when it is a win win and not toxic nor draining for either party. It takes great strength to know ones limits and boundaries in such a way.
On this Friday I am feeling sensitive. I am feeling extra sensitive to my surroundings. It is one of those days that I am feeling more sensitive to the energies around me. More a sponge less shielded. I know that nowadays these days are not daily – but they do arise. Days when it feels hard to protect your heart. When you want to give yourself a hug and say relax nothing is wrong – but know your brain won't follow. These days they come and go. Today is one of those days.June 22, 2018 at 9:29 am #213641
More comes to mind over the last hour. I had a nurse come up to me and apologize for being rude earlier. Interesting. I had absorbed her rude and negative energy earlier and felt even more down. When she apologized it was refreshing and I appreciated it, but of course my mood did not bounce back instantly. This is because my mood isn't based on her – My mood is based on me and my “extra absorbing” of my surroundings today. I don't blame others.
Today I feel small, slightly sad, and tired. Today I do not feel big and confident. That is okay.June 22, 2018 at 10:43 am #213651
Dear Cali Chica:
“Extra absorbing” of your surrounding, an interesting way of saying it. I too feel tired today, and I suppose it is okay. I will take a break and be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. I hope to read more from you, more about this day, hopefully less, or … selectively absorbing of your surrounding, soon enough.
anitaJune 29, 2018 at 7:43 am #214701
Dear Cali Chica:
I hope you and your husband are well and that you have an enjoyable 4th of July, coming soon.