Dear Anita,

Good morning.  This morning I do not feel so “profound.” Instead of feeling open and thoughtful, I feel slightly closed off and single focused.  This is okay, I am just observing.

On that note, I will comment on this: “uncertainty, meaning danger. This is what fear is about, perceived danger. If you do nothing then “it” (danger, whatever it may be) will find you, correct, a waiting target?”

Yes, but what is this danger? to me?

This danger is many things, and I would like to comment and reflect on it – as this “danger” or perceived threat has been the motivation to do and do and overdo! and it always will be for as long as anxiety based thinking, fear based thinking is predominant.

This danger:

In the realm of career, it is that not doing, not over doing, not obsessively thinking and trying will lead me to the danger, it will leave me this unprepared target.  The danger of falling into a role that is beneath me, the danger of settling for a job that makes me unhappy, the danger of not “living up to my potential.” What is this potential anyway? More on that later…

So in this example, the danger is that I was not prepared and thus I have to settle.  The danger of settling.  The danger of being in a career trajectory I am not happy about.  Now, is dong and doing and over doing, going to prevent that? Of course not, as things like career and opportunity are multi-dimensional. Yet the act of doing feels like it is “preventing that uncertainty” it feels like it is “preventing the bad outcome.” It feels like “well at least I did all I could.” Perhaps it is something like a “self-insurance” policy.  Knowing you were forward thinking and signed up for that “insurance.”

In other aspects, danger is isolation.  If I don’t reach out to these friends, I will have less friends. The danger of losing. The danger of losing people, situations, or in “life.” What is losing in life? This is clearly subjective.  Prior, when I was more friend focused, the  fear could have been not having this “full life of friends” the visual of the life I thought I wanted or was important.

In this moment, this morning, if you asked me what this “danger” was.  I will say, the danger is sometimes just becoming the norm.  The average joe.  Not having something special.  Interesting that this comes to mind isn’t it. Who is the “decider” of what is average and superb? Is not having a good stable job, a wonderful husband, and good quality people in my life ENOUGH.  What else is needed to be “above average.”

I see the root of this, this morning, is career based.  I had a interview last week in NYC which I told you about, which  I was not thrilled about.  A job that felt like tons more work, for far less pay. Often what NYC jobs get away with -as people will take what they can get to live in the city.  I have another local job interview tomorrow, and I do dread that I will feel the same way.  I will feel once again this job isn’t great – that I can do so much more, or that I may even dare I say, deserve more.  Then what will I be left with – an option that I have to settle for?

The idea of settling has been ingrained in me from a young age.  When I wrote you my narrative of my first boyfriend and dating, it was also saturated with this idea.  Having this ideal of how things “should be” and if anything falls short, it is “not good enough, or settling.”  I know a lot of this is delusional thoughts of what is good and bad.  In fact a lot of this is false information of what is good and bad for ME.  And what is more important than what is good for me?! Definitions of good, bad, average, superb, etc mean nothing – when not equated to the person at hand!

Dear Anita,

“When we don’t get that approval, that “good enough” stamp from god, that lack is a pain we carry anywhere and everywhere.”

i feel this. – I see that often I get so frustrated with myself. I say “what are you chasing or seeking CaliChica?!”  What more? Why can this not feel satisfactory? Why?!”

Do you want to know something? I was just in a c/section. A beautiful baby girl was born to the world and I observed the parents. To them this healthy young new daughter was perfect. She could do no harm. And of course – it was a beautiful moment – it almost always is.

But this wasn’t the case for my sister and I. I am not talking about the delivery of us and babies or is as as newborns. I am talking about all of it. We weren’t perfect and amazing. We weren’t given full love respect and safety.  No we were not. And then what is to come after into adulthood is a whole other story.

So so of course it feels like everything is a struggle or a fight, that there is something more to be done, that the baseline is not good enough. Of course it does – right Anita?

because we were never ever made to feel good enough. Even though I as the “Golden child” was given praise and all. It was only in a way that was convenient to my mother depending on her mood. It was not authentic. It was most importantly, never predictable.

Ohhow exhausting Anita. This search for approval then and now. How exhausting to feel constantly unsettled…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

“when we see ourselves as competent to approve.. then we can stamp ourselves with APPROVED. One day you will do that. You are already in the process of doing just that. Soam I.”

how amazing of us, yet how difficult of a task  I commend us for taking on this challenge- this life long challenge. Yes I know one day I will stamp my own self for approval. I see beginning glimpses of it now. I know one day that stamp will be clear and waterproof. It will be there to stay. Approved.

Dear Anita,

I hope you enjoyed your 3.5 mile walk. What a nice practice!

Yesterday before I fell asleep, and when I woke this morning. I had a question that I asked myself and the universe. When I feel anxious, how do I know if it is truly exacerbated by the task/situation at hand. For if it was to be solved, won’t I just find something else to be equally anxious about? OR – are there definitely higher and lower levels of anxiety depending on what is going on.

For example right now would be a classically more uneasy time. In between job choices etc. Yet it is not a BAD place to be in, it is just one of some uncertainty – a watch and wait and see how all the options pan out- situation.

I think to myself, so I am feeling considerably more anxious during this time. Yet, once this is all settled – I have a feeling I won’t feel much better. How strange and disappointing…or if not disappointing – perhaps something That I will slowly come to terms with. Not sure – whether it is something I am realizing as in (the chronic baseline anxiety always exists no matter the part of the rollercoaster I am riding)

I also know that like anything else it is pattern. I had an exceptionally difficult year. I recall sitting at my desk a year ago prior to seeing a patient and my mother sending me hundreds of texts of how I need to do all this for my father’s surprise party (that she guilted me into throwing). When I have any push back she immediately sent a garage of messages saying well she figured it’s cancelled anyways she’s on the phone with everyone telling them right now that I cancelled it and they shouldn’t come. All of this in 3 mins. Just an example.

Replaying some of this has helped me recently, or at least remembering. It allows me to say that in medicine, we have high cortisol or adrenaline during times of stress. Well I have had this for over a year straight. Of course my body doesn’t know how to go back to regular levels now that the inciting agent has been taken away. Of course not. The body is smart, but takes time to recover and undo old patterns and make new ones.

So back to the above, the realization that even if the current decision is made – will I be happy? Won’t I feel the same. Yes, likely yes. But hopefully it will change over time…

Dear Anita,

well by inciting agent I mean major culprit: my mother(parents)

With whom I haven’t spoken with since that day Feb 15 I think I recall. The day I made the decision. Zero interaction of any form since then.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

With that being said they will come back full force when their pendulum swings the other day. One day they may wake up full of anxiety and terror they’re all alone and attempt to stalk me. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Anything is possible – but with them it’s always extreme.

My parents saw my in laws at a wedding 2 weeks ago. They acted like everything was fine and don’t ask once about me. Interesting right.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your thorough response. I will re read this throughout the day. I will let it sink and savor.

This is exactly what I was referring to, you described it so well: “activation of past circumstances with no current happening”

In a way, accepting this allows letting go of the idea that I have control to “change or diminish” the anxiety. If I accept the above understanding it is a part of my life, than I won’t feel the need to “work on it so much.” Yet, anxiety is so unpleasant and difficult to sit with so of course we do employ techniques to find relief. That is fine and healthy. I am talking more about the acceptance of- “this is something that is wired in me and will be for a long time, accept it, don’t resist it.” Not sure what that means exactly – but seems helpful!

Also,

I can see how it will take a long time. It will also be a few steps forward, a few back dance. I would see, what else can I do to facilitate the process. I think the answer is nothing. It is continue good work, good relationships ONLY, weed out anything that will contribute to negative energy or toxicity. Continue to read and write, and grow.

And on the symptom side- continue the activities that help the anxiety symptoms.

And then the tincture of time.