Dear Anita,Good morning.  I hope you are enjoying your daily walks this summer.  

You wrote: “You can wake up a certain way, maybe not having slept deeply enough, with higher anxiety. Something happened, maybe a dream that you forgot, pathways activated, chemistry happening and anxiety is high.”

This exact thing happened to me last night.  I woke up at  4 am in a panic, definitely pathways activated, perhaps old buried hurt or trauma resurfacing during sleep.  I burst into tears.  And to be honest – I was glad. It feels as though chronic anxiety is a shield, it feels like this, there are demons or old hurts inside, and our body keeps running, running and running, chasing and chasing – this is the feeling of anxiety, constant movement, constant ON, never relaxed. and then at times, I feel, I hurt, and I cry.  I welcome these moments, as they are hard to come by.  Instead the tight anxiety feeling predominates.  When I feel a true hurt and cry, it feels real.  It feels like there is brain processing of what is going on or trauma. Many times I WANT to feel sad or angry, but instead it is anxiety.  Anxiety is the fall back – the go to- the baseline.  However, in the middle of the night I felt a tangible emotion building up, and then there was a release.  How good it feels to cry.  How good it feels to FEEL.  Do you ever feel like this? That you look forward to this release of true feeling/crying vs. pent up/anxiety.  I know that when I cry – it is progress.  These are not tears of emotions for me.  These are tears of processing.  They aren’t tears of being overwhelmed.  I don’t work this way as my baseline is not to cry or feel sad per se, but to feel anxious. I have read and know, and see, how people/patients do things,drastic things, such as cut their wrists often to “feel.” As much as I never truly felt this way or could relate – what I can see is how refreshing it is to feel a true emotion vs.  the jumbled mess of general anxiety.  Of course, taking drastic measures to achieve this is entirely unhealthy and a whole other thing. To feel a pin point emotion is refreshing.  In my case, I don’t walk around the world with sadness and despair.  I walk with energy, productivity, and motivation.  Yet, sometimes it is nice just to feel and let go.  At 4 am to burst into emotion and release or process some (likely old trauma) even 1% – I welcome it. 

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

With that being said they will come back full force when their pendulum swings the other day. One day they may wake up full of anxiety and terror they’re all alone and attempt to stalk me. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Anything is possible – but with them it’s always extreme.

My parents saw my in laws at a wedding 2 weeks ago. They acted like everything was fine and don’t ask once about me. Interesting right.

Dear Anita,

i realize I may not have made it clear. I changed my phone number that day. They do not have this number neither do any of my extended family members (except sister).  Nor do many old connections that don’t need it.

Thus they have not contacted me. Directly or through anyone.

Dear Anita,

I hope you enjoyed your 3.5 mile walk. What a nice practice!

Yesterday before I fell asleep, and when I woke this morning. I had a question that I asked myself and the universe. When I feel anxious, how do I know if it is truly exacerbated by the task/situation at hand. For if it was to be solved, won’t I just find something else to be equally anxious about? OR – are there definitely higher and lower levels of anxiety depending on what is going on.

For example right now would be a classically more uneasy time. In between job choices etc. Yet it is not a BAD place to be in, it is just one of some uncertainty – a watch and wait and see how all the options pan out- situation.

I think to myself, so I am feeling considerably more anxious during this time. Yet, once this is all settled – I have a feeling I won’t feel much better. How strange and disappointing…or if not disappointing – perhaps something That I will slowly come to terms with. Not sure – whether it is something I am realizing as in (the chronic baseline anxiety always exists no matter the part of the rollercoaster I am riding)

I also know that like anything else it is pattern. I had an exceptionally difficult year. I recall sitting at my desk a year ago prior to seeing a patient and my mother sending me hundreds of texts of how I need to do all this for my father’s surprise party (that she guilted me into throwing). When I have any push back she immediately sent a garage of messages saying well she figured it’s cancelled anyways she’s on the phone with everyone telling them right now that I cancelled it and they shouldn’t come. All of this in 3 mins. Just an example.

Replaying some of this has helped me recently, or at least remembering. It allows me to say that in medicine, we have high cortisol or adrenaline during times of stress. Well I have had this for over a year straight. Of course my body doesn’t know how to go back to regular levels now that the inciting agent has been taken away. Of course not. The body is smart, but takes time to recover and undo old patterns and make new ones.

So back to the above, the realization that even if the current decision is made – will I be happy? Won’t I feel the same. Yes, likely yes. But hopefully it will change over time…

Dear Anita,

“When we don’t get that approval, that “good enough” stamp from god, that lack is a pain we carry anywhere and everywhere.”

i feel this. – I see that often I get so frustrated with myself. I say “what are you chasing or seeking CaliChica?!”  What more? Why can this not feel satisfactory? Why?!”

Do you want to know something? I was just in a c/section. A beautiful baby girl was born to the world and I observed the parents. To them this healthy young new daughter was perfect. She could do no harm. And of course – it was a beautiful moment – it almost always is.

But this wasn’t the case for my sister and I. I am not talking about the delivery of us and babies or is as as newborns. I am talking about all of it. We weren’t perfect and amazing. We weren’t given full love respect and safety.  No we were not. And then what is to come after into adulthood is a whole other story.

So so of course it feels like everything is a struggle or a fight, that there is something more to be done, that the baseline is not good enough. Of course it does – right Anita?

because we were never ever made to feel good enough. Even though I as the “Golden child” was given praise and all. It was only in a way that was convenient to my mother depending on her mood. It was not authentic. It was most importantly, never predictable.

Ohhow exhausting Anita. This search for approval then and now. How exhausting to feel constantly unsettled…

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Happy Sunday!

I think you’re right – the seeping of the word surrender into my psyche, is the first glimpse of letting go of that need to overdo..  Perhaps the first glimpse of understanding that this baseline anxiety (although not a choice) is something that can be diminished.  Moreover, the baseline anxiety does not have to be all invading and all pervasive.  I can give it some respect, understanding that it does hold some real estate in my brain, but I do not have to bow down to it, or succumb to it always.

Understanding that we are not our anxiety is huge.  It is something that many writers blog about, and many top authors have best selling novels centered on.  I am not my thoughts, I am not my anxiety.  I am not my fear based wired brain.

Easy to read about, difficult to grasp.  Easy to think about momentarily, difficult to sink and savor.

I notice this anxiety can seep in during the summer.  Given that in the northeast we do not have beautiful weather all year round, we often feel we have to make “the most of the summer.” Even during the summer, not every day is bright and sunny, and thus those that are, we often find that we want to make it a “maximal summer” experience.  Whether this be the beach, a hike, some other water related activity, bbq, or plain sitting outdoors.  I noticed that during the week I found myself having this anticipatory anxiety about forthcoming weekend plans.  However, when this weekend rolled around, it was perfect.

We enjoyed some time at the dog park, had our neighbors over for some appetizers that evening, which spontaneously turned into a night of games and laughs.  How often these spontaneous evenings turn out to be the best!

The point of me writing this is not to point out that fun can be unplanned and spontaneous, as this is far too basic of a concept! My point is this – I don’t have to fear that if I don’t “do” that I will not find.  Doing does not always equal  finding.

The contrast of:

Doing (aka planning an evening) does not mean that not doing means no fun plans

Doing (aka planning the next career move) does not mean that not doing means career stagnation.

Doing (aka reaching out to certain friends) does not mean that not doing means those friends will go further away

Therefore, NOT doing does NOT equal the OPPOSITE outcome.

In fact, NOT doing may (and many times does) lead to a wonderful and more positive outcome!

We do not have to always DO to control our future.  No we do not. 

Funny thing is, that friend (the flakey one) continued to reach out over the week, with text messages, and finally a phone call.  Interesting, as she is someone who is not a reliable communicator and NEVER calls.  It appears she is DOING, to control.  She is DOING to assuage herself of guilt.  She is DOING to avoid the reality of the outcome of being a bad person. Well, doing is not a cure, now is it?

Doing is not a cure, it is often only a way to disguise ourself from what we fear – uncertainty. 

Dear Anita,

yes, surrender is the word that came to mind yesterday – and thus it is the right word. Surrender: allow, accept, give in. Those terms don’t do it justice.

What I mean is in a way give up. To let go. Give up what? The fight. The struggle the fight to keep going and trying. Surrender. Let it be. Let it flow. Give up the active. Active effort in every breath no more – let go

Now an outsider may read this and find it disturbing or disheartening. As surrender may have the connotation of giving in to something, to even failing. This is not true.

I see myself holding on tightly and not letting go. Holding on to ideals, and shoulds. Holding on to concepts.  Not allowing myself a chance to breathe, feeling that not trying equals failing. Equating constant effort to mean overcoming and succeeding. But overcoming what? Perhaps my feeling that I can not relax and I should keep trying is apart of my identity. Therefore if I do toherwise I am not being “myself” or living up to my “potential.”

However, yesterday I had a glimpse. A short glimpse of this feeling- this feeling to surrender! Let go of the self torture! Cali Chica you are fine the way you are, things are fine- stop seeking. Sink and savor and Surrender.