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Call Me IshmaelParticipant
Dear helleia,
You’re welcome!
It’s harder for me to give you a list of documentaries. I’ve seen a lot of good ones, and it’s difficult to narrow them down to ones that fit squarely into the category of “inspiring.” Nonetheless, here are a few that you might like:
Waste Land (2010) – This is a film about people who live on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro, who make a living by scavenging the largest trash dump (landfill) in the world, ironically called Jardim Gramacho, “Gramacho Garden.” (The landfill closed in 2012.) Imagine how differently people would perceive their world, what kind of hopes they would have for their lives and futures (or the hopes that they would not even be able to consider), if the best option for them to support themselves was scavenging the discarded trash of society.
Zeitgeist (2007), Zeitgeist: Addendum (2008), Zeitgeist: Moving Forward (2011) – This a documentary film series by Peter Joseph that takes an epistemologically skeptical look at some of the established beliefs of western society, and also examines ways in which western society, and the world on the whole, could be a better place. He also has two or three other documentaries out as well.
In a similar vein to the Zeitgeist series:
Who Killed the Electric Car? (2006) – Now, with the ready availability of electric cars, this documentary may seem a bit dated, but the behaviors of the auto manufacturers and the oil companies to forestall the availability of the electric car are still relevant.
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005) – Again, it’s a bit dated, but considering that human nature hasn’t changed in the relatively few years since then, particularly considering what happened to facilitate the economic downturn, this is still relevant.
Inside Job (2010) – This film examines what facilitated the economic downturn. It’s a real eye-opener about how far people and companies will go to find and exploit ways to cheat the system, regardless of how devastating those things may be to society. It also shows just how weak government regulations and laws were—and probably still are—when it comes to closing loop-holes and prosecuting wrong-doers.
Regarding favorite directors, my list may seem trite, but I have to go with what I have experienced. In the order in which I learned about them, and/or in which they became one of my favorites, the directors with whose films I have been the most impressed (beyond just entertainment value) are:
– Stanley Kubrick (U.S.)
– Akira Kurosawa (Japan)
– Fritz Lang (Austria-Germany)
– Yimou Zhang (China)
– Ingmar Bergman (Sweden)
– Victor Sjöström (Sweden)
– Satyajit Ray (India)Just because a director is on my list doesn’t mean that I like all of his films. It does mean, however, that he has made several films that I think are excellent in one way or another, or in many ways, and that his films have helped me to understand humanity, and/or life, a little better.
However, you may not like any of them. Favorites are subjective.
There are also other directors about whom I am still learning, who have made films that have either inspired me or helped me to think more broadly about the human condition. They are:
– Henri-Georges Clouzot (France) – Le salaire de la peur, a.k.a. “The Wages of Fear” (1953); Les diaboliques, a.k.a. “Diabolique” (1943); Le corbeau, a.k.a. “The Raven” (1943)
– Federico Fellini (Italy) — Le notti di Cabiria, a.k.a. “Nights of Cabiria” (1957); La Strada (1954)
– Mikhail Kalatozov (U.S.S.R.) – Letyat zhuravli, a.k.a. “The Cranes are Flying” (1957); Neotpravlennoe pismo, a.k.a. “Letter Never Sent” (1960)
– Larisa Shepitko (U.S.S.R.) – Krylya, a.k.a. “Wings” (1966); Voskhozhdenie, a.k.a.”The Ascent” (1977)
– Jean Renoir (France) – La Grande Illusion (1937); La Bête Humaine (1938)
– Marcel Carné (France) — Le Jour se Lève (1939);
– François Truffaut (France) — Les quatre cents coups, a.k.a. “The 400 Blows” (1959)For general entertainment value and an extremely high level of moviemaking, I am also very fond of Martin Scorsese. I’m also very fond of Woody Allen.
An honorable mention, particularly for The Grapes of Wrath (1940), is John Ford. Yes, he was an extremely influential director, but many of the stories he told were too fluffy for me.
Of course, there are many, many films and directors I like that I am leaving out. You’ve already suggested a penny for my thoughts, and I’ve probably already bored you to death by putting far more than my two-cents worth in.
Generally speaking, though, I also highly recommend the The Criterion Collection to you. Many, if not all, of the films I have mentioned are part of this collection. I suggest that anyone who would like to have an ever-growing and comprehensive list of films, directors, cinematographers, score composers, editors, etc., with which to learn more about the art of film, need look no further than this collection.
As my lists suggest, and as The Criterion Collection will demonstrate, I think you will find that exploring world cinema is absolutely essential (particularly if you do not have the luxury of being able to travel and experience many other cultures for yourself) to having a better, broader, and more in-depth understanding of humanity. I contend that the same holds true for world music.
I am interested to know the name of the YouTube site you mentioned. I’d like to check it out!
What are some of your favorite directors and films, particularly the ones who/that have inspired you?
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, helleia.
That’s an interesting question. I can’t claim to know of films that inspire me “as well as Tiny Buddha,” because different things inspire me in different ways. But here are a few films, off the top of my head, that gave me the opportunity to consider things from a different perspective, and by doing so, helped me to understand the human condition a bit better, and/or helped me to fill in some of the gaps in my own personal philosophy:
The Razor’s Edge (1984) – This is one of Bill Murray’s first philosophical films. I personally find it to be a far superior film to the 1946 version with Tyrone Power. Although the 1984 version departs from Summerset Maugham’s novel in significant ways, I think the departures help the story to have more impact and to drive home the points of the story all the better.
Huo zhe, a.k.a. “To Live” (1994) – This is a Chinese film by director Yimou Zhang, and in my book, it is one of his masterpieces. In addition to the film’s excellent cinematography and musical score, this adaption of Hua Yu’s novel depicts the lives of two people and their family through the political changes in China from the 1940s to the 1970s. I think it is an amazingly beautiful film on many levels.
Körkarlen, a.k.a. “The Phantom Carriage” (1921) – This is a silent film by one of Sweden’s master directors, Victor Sjöström. Based on the novel by Selma Lagerlöf, some of the story regarding alcoholism may not resonate with today’s viewers, but the story itself, at least for me, is amazingly powerful. The film will remind you a bit of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, but Körkarlen makes Dickens’ characters seem pale and almost laughingly amateurish. When the main protagonist (or perhaps antagonist) David Holm (played by Sjöström himself) has his change of heart, it is based on the horror he feels when he sees the heartless and sadistic pain he has inflicted on the people who have cared for him, and how it has terribly and irrevocably affected their lives. When he cries out for salvation, it is not for his own salvation, but the physical salvation of those he has harmed. He begs, with every fiber of his being, for his own soul to be damned to Hell for eternity. (I get choked up just thinking about that part of the movie.) Scrooge, on the other hand, is primarily interested in avoiding his own death, for which he promises to be a better man: a light, fluffy, and shallow motivation compared to David Holm’s motivation. Also, please don’t be put off by it being a silent film. The cinematography is amazing, as are the special effects. To think that this film was made in 1921, in filmmaking’s infancy, completely astounds me. The film has more than one modern musical score, and I suggest Matti Bye’s score over all others. Bye masterfully tailors his score to the film using a minimalistic style rich with an effective pallet of instruments and timbres. (You’ll also see a scene extremely similar to a scene in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. I don’t have any proof, but I am inclined to think that Kubrick stole the idea for the scene from Sjöström.) In my opinion, for what it may not be worth, Körkarlen is one of the masterpieces of all cinema.
CMI
August 28, 2016 at 11:57 pm in reply to: It may actually be me causing most of my relationship issues? #113580Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Dreaming715.
Regarding your original post, except for recalling what didn’t work with you and your ex-fiancé (the problems you two had, what you learned from that, and seeing potential red flags for similar problems in your current relationship), I suggest that comparing your current boyfriend to your ex-fiancé is probably not very productive or beneficial for the relationship. They are two different people, and your current boyfriend doesn’t have the benefit of knowing everything you know about your ex-fiancé (everything you liked about him and didn’t like about him, etc.). It also sounds like he doesn’t have the benefit of knowing everything about you (what you like in a partner, in a relationship, etc.), either. For him to be able to have any real chance of living up to all of the good things you liked about your ex-fiancé, and to avoid all of the things you didn’t like, he would: 1) Have to know those things, 2) Be all but identical to your ex-fiancé in the ways you liked, i.e. the same genetic proclivities, same up-bringing, same interests, etc., and 3) Be dissimilar to your ex-fiancé in all the ways you didn’t like.
The last one is particularly tricky because some of the proclivities of your ex-fiancé that facilitated things you liked about him may have also facilitated things you didn’t like about him. As a made up example, maybe he had the proclivity to be detail oriented, which made him remember little things about you that you liked, but also made him notice little things that you didn’t do the way he thought they should be done. You would also have to like the ways in which your current boyfriend was dissimilar to your ex-fiancé (while still maintaining all of the similarities that you liked), which is just as unlikely as him being all the good things you liked about your ex-fiancé.
Does that make sense?
I went on about that much longer than I intended.
I agree with you about the Disney movie expectations. But I also think many, many people have those thoughts as well. Maybe everyone does to a certain degree. I think the fact that you realize that such expectations are unrealistic is extremely beneficial for you and the relationship. Great insight!
Regarding the French-fries and potato wedges, rather than hoping he will intuitively understand what you are thinking, and being disappointed when he doesn’t, you might say something like, “These fries are terrible! It tastes like they were cooked in last year’s grease! Do you mind if I have a few of your potato wedges?” That way he knows that you don’t like your fries, why you don’t like your fries, that you are still hungry, that you would like a few of his potato wedges, and why. Being straight forward, clear, and communicative gives him a chance to understand what you are thinking and what you want, and then respond.
Also please consider that saying things obliquely, and hoping that he will understand what you mean and do what you want, can also come across as being passive-aggressively manipulative.
Regarding the goodnight kiss, why not take the initiative? Before you go to sleep, say something like, “Come here. I want a kiss to help me sleep!” Then look deep into his eyes and say, “Goodnight, sweetheart,” and lay a sweet, gentle, loving kiss on him. (Hell, after that, if it were me, I’d be lookin’ forward to saying goodnight all day.) But don’t stop with only one time; establish the pattern, and when you kiss him, let him feel your caring for him. After a while, if he is the kind of guy you’d like for him to be, he will make damned sure that his sweet dreams start with kissing you, even if you don’t initiate the kiss. The same thing goes for a goodbye kiss.
Give it a try.
Regarding your question, “Is it unrealistic of me to expect more from him?” I suggest the answer is yes, and no. Yes, because you framed what you want in terms of “expect” rather than “hope.” To expect implies an obligation on his part. To hope, on the other hand, still allows him his freedom. For you to hope for more from him, as long as you are openly communicative with him, I suggest is very realistic.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Butterfly.
As one who has experienced the push-pull cycle: the negative splitting, devaluation, projection, false accusations, blame, gaslighting, hiding, lies (to me, and about me to others), anger, hatefulness, being ignored, ghosting, and multiple “endings” of the relationship associated with the push cycle; and the positive splitting, and sham of mirroring and idealization, and the apparently sincere love and desire for intimacy associated with the pull cycle, I can say that I definitely felt, and definitely was, emotionally abused. The fact that her behavior was facilitated by a personality disorder did not mitigate her culpability in the matter, and it didn’t make it any less wrong or damaging. Abuse is abuse.
Would you agree?
All of the things I liked about her, and all of the good times she and I had together, the wonderfully close, intimate, perhaps even sublime moments we shared (at least as far as I felt them) also did not negate her abuse of me, or mitigate the damaging effects her abuse had on me and the relationship. All of her behaviors and actions (negative and positive, constructive and destructive) must be considered when weighing the benefit of her being in my life. In her case, I don’t need to look any further than her intentional abuse of me to know that the relationship was not beneficial.
Do you see your situation differently?
As I mentioned in one of my previous replies, in my research of personality disorders, I found that folks with such disorders are known to misrepresent their past experiences to gain and exploit sympathy, empathy, and compassion. Along with this, they may also claim life threatening or terminal illnesses to achieve the same ends. If you did not see any kind of evidence that he has a deadly disease e.g. written diagnoses from doctors, doctor bills for procedures related to the illness, the pattern of regular, on-going therapies or treatments related to the illness, or on-going prescriptions for medications related to the illness, I suggest you consider the claim with healthy skepticism.
If he does indeed have a deadly disease, that still doesn’t excuse abuse, or mitigate its effects.
Regarding the possibility of you being able to return to being friends with him, or starting over, I can only use my own experiences with my ex-girlfriend to consider the benefit of those possibilities for you. From my point of view, the only way being friends or starting over would ever be a beneficial thing would be for her to make HUGE strides in her therapy, and for her to have fully functioning coping skills that she diligently used. Even then, those things wouldn’t happen overnight, or any time soon. The earliest I could imagine that happening would be five or more years down the road. Since she claimed to dislike her therapy, and claimed that it didn’t do her any good, and claimed to have no faith in it, and that she didn’t want to put the effort into it anymore, I predict that in reality it would take much more than five years, possibly 10 or more years, for her to be able to function positively and constructively in a mutually beneficial relationship with me, as friends or more. Until then, however, there would be no benefit for me to be in a relationship of any kind with her. She would still be unable to control her destructive and abusive behavior. Add to that the fact that I am still mourning the loss of the illusion of our love, and that I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over that, I seriously doubt that any good would come of us starting over before she is “well.”
What are your thoughts regarding the possibilities of him being able to participate in a mutually beneficial relationship with you?
Until the relationship has a very real possibility of being a non-abusive, beneficial thing for you, based on the above, and the things I asked you to consider in my previous responses to you, and for what it may be worth, I continue to encourage you maintain no contact with him.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantI hope all works out well for you, Butterfly.
Stay strong.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Butterfly.
I just saw that you began this thread.
I posted this in reply to your post on the other thread, but to avoid cross-talk I’ll re-post it here:
Of course, I don’t know what is going through his mind, but I imagine that his texts are intended to test the waters of stringing you along.
Regarding his hurtful texts, I imagine that he is intentionally trying to get a response from you, not unlike a child who, when he can’t get the positive attention he wants, tries to get negative attention instead. If you respond, he gets what he wants, and then the door has opened for him to turn on the nice side to try to get you back into the push-pull cycle.
It is up to you, but I suggest that you do not respond to anything. What would be the productive purpose in responding? If he cannot have a positive, beneficial relationship with you, and you do not want to be in a negative, destructive relationship with him, what would be the purpose of delaying your healing and getting on with your life by entering into any kind of a dialogue with him, be it via text, e-mail, telephone, etc.?
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Butterfly.
Sorry; I meant to reply to you yesterday, but I got sidetracked.
Of course, I don’t know what is going through his mind, but I imagine that his texts are intended to test the waters of stringing you along.
Regarding his hurtful texts, I imagine that he is intentionally trying to get a response from you, not unlike a child who, when he can’t get the positive attention he wants, tries to get negative attention instead. If you respond, he gets what he wants, and then the door has opened for him to turn on the nice side to try to get you back into the push-pull cycle.
It is up to you, but I suggest that you do not respond to anything. What would be the productive purpose in responding? If he cannot have a positive, beneficial relationship with you, and you do not want to be in a negative, destructive relationship with him, what would be the purpose of delaying your healing and getting on with your life by entering into any kind of a dialogue with him, be it via text, e-mail, telephone, etc.?
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, rwalston.
I would guess that your reply is intended for me.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. The most intense part of the pain is over, but there is the lingering, dull pain of getting over the loss of someone I cared about and loved very much, however much of an illusion she was.
Thank you. I hope the best for you, too.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Butterfly.
Wondering if any of it was “real” was something I struggled with, too. I know it was real for me, and I imagine that pieces of it were real for her, but much of it was nothing more than a game of deceit for her. And with so much deceit, the pieces that were real were like the kernels of half-truths wrapped in a Gordian knot of lies. And half-truths are whole lies.
What bothers me about the “reality” of our relationship was that I know now that the person for whom I cared so deeply, and loved so comprehensively, was, in the end, just a composite of illusions, just a phantom. And now that everything is over, even though I know it was all BS, I still have those lingering feelings of caring, love, and compassion for her. That’s the hardest pill to swallow.
Good for you for not replying to his texts. The woman I was involved with pulled that poo, too.
Feel free to vent anytime.
Stay strong.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantDear Anita:
Those are some good ideas. We did talk about our past relationships, but nothing rang any alarm bells at the time.
As I found out later in the relationship, after the behavioral issues manifested themselves, she literally prided herself on hiding things from everyone (although she wasn’t nearly as good at hiding as she thought she was). With that kind of mentality, I’m not sure such a person’s responses would be very indicative of his/her true thoughts anway. If a person is intent on actively hiding a disorder (which she was), particularly a disorder that could have a negative and destructive impact on one’s partner, and if a person prides him/herself on hiding things, I’m not sure a partner, or prospective partner (especially someone who has never encountered such a situation before), could ever be fully prepared or forewarned against such deceit.
I am much more attuned to the clues now, though. As I said: a learning experience.
Have a good evening.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantErratum —
Sorry; I meant to write: “… that specifically caused problems with emotional intimacy…” not “emotional empathy”.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantDear Anita:
I agree. I was thinking more about the first time one extends empathy to someone one doesn’t know well.
I also agree about getting to know someone before becoming too invested, but I suggest that one can never be absolutely sure about another. As with the woman I wrote about, she and I had slowly gotten to know each other over the course of several months. It wasn’t until we started to become emotionally intimate that the problems started, but I was already invested in her as a person, and as a friend. In the calm objectivity of distant hindsight, I can say that I should have required a higher level of proof regarding her veracity before proceeding, but at the time I trusted what I had come to know over a period of months. It would have been more convenient had she told me that she had a disorder (and had she named the disorder) that specifically caused problems with emotional empathy, and caused her behavior to be extremely destructive the closer to emotional intimacy she became, but she didn’t. She only told me about the diagnoses that elicited my compassion, and gave me a vague warning that she was un-loveable.
But, as I mentioned before, our relationship was a learning experience.
Lesson learned.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Butterfly.
Looking back on my experience with the woman I wrote about, I am convinced that the complete lack of contact between us (although it took a few weeks after the official “end” of the relationship) was one of the things that helped me to better process everything that happened and allowed me to gain a more objective and less emotional perspective on our relationship. It was that increased objectivity and decreased emotion that allowed me to begin regaining my happiness and positivity. I encourage you to adamantly adhere to no contact with him. Yes, it will be very hard. Yes, you will still have all of your questions and desire for answers. Yes, you will still remember the good and great times you had together, and long to experience those things again. Yes, you will still have the desire for him to know how he hurt you. But do not give in. Doing so will only prolong your pain.
Also, ask yourself if there any realistic chance, in the very near future, of him miraculously and permanently changing his behavior so that it is positive and non-destructive to you, and so that it will allow your relationship to become healthy and flourish. If not, then stick with your decision for the relationship to be over, which means doing every positive thing you can to ensure that it stays over, including no contact.
I can understand how, if you were to send a letter (or whatever), that you would have a desire to know if he read it. I would feel the same way. I think it’s great that you are aware of that and that you factor it into your decision-making process.
If you are positive that you want to overcome this as soon, as effectively, and as positively as possible, I encourage you to look into finding a good therapist. I imagine that quality, professional therapy would also help you avoid entering into a relationship like that again.
I hope all the best for you.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantDear Anita:
I particularly like your thoughts on empathizing with a person who is engaged in hurting you. I had never thought about the functional aspect of taking sides against one’s self.
Although I have never expected or hoped to derive any personal benefit from extending empathy or compassion, I have neglected to think fully about the ways in which my empathy and compassion could become a detriment to me. I am cognizant of most of the overt, and even the fairly covert, ways in which it could become a detriment to me, but the very subtle ways I tend to overlook.
I fully agree about the context of win-win. The problem is that when one first tests the waters of empathy with someone one doesn’t know, it is almost impossible to know if it is a win-win situation. Trial and error, I guess.
Perhaps it is the idealistic side of me, but for some reason it seems incongruent that, in the interest of self-preservation, extending compassion and empathy requires a certain mentality of watching one’s back for the possibility of an approaching knife. Clearly it does, but somehow it just feels odd.
CMI
Call Me IshmaelParticipantHi, Anita and Butterfly.
Thank you for your responses. I won’t have a chance to reply in detail tonight, but I will tomorrow.
Have a good evening.
CMI
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