Thank you for your kind words, they give me some glimmer of hope. I tried to write a letter to him but I couldn’t seem to verbalize my intention because I have so many different emotions and haven’t made sense of them all. One thing I have resoundingly decided on is to go to counseling. Not only to develop the tools I will need someday when she asks the questions I’m dreading but for myself too. I don’t really understand the lopsided anger I feel, confusion and lack of clarity about my future and my little girl’s too. I will reach out to him but if I don’t understand how I’m feeling then how can I possibly explain it. I so appreciate the advice right now because I don’t talk to anyone about the details of my present day life. Thank you.

Good Morning, thank you for responding. It helps immensely to have someone reach out as I try and make sense of what life is trying to teach me through this. Let me clarify a few details. Actually, the suicide was by his own hand. A little more than a month ago my daughter’s father was in an accident in which his motorcycle hit a stalled car and flipped. He fled the scene and the girl on the back of his motorcycle died. She was a mother of 4. I was sent several news clips (long distance) in which her family was pleading for him to turn himself in. He was on the run for a week in which time my love (boyfriend) had called to inform me that he had been given a message that my daughter’s father had no intention of going to prison. I wasn’t sure what to think except to say in my head, surely he would calm down and come to his senses and if there was some kind of a standoff, that he would go peacefully. It felt like this kind of thing happens to other people or in a movie, it felt surreal. There indeed was a standoff for several hours but eventually officers heard a single gunshot in the house. It was him taking his own life. It pains me so deeply that he saw no way out of this and what he must have felt in those last seconds… My aunt spoke to someone who was in actual contact with him while he was in hiding for that week. She said his daughter was on his mind. He was not a good father. He only paid child’s support a few months of her life and disappointed her the few times they tried to have a relationship but somehow I still hurt for her. At first, I thought she never has to know, which might be the case if she never asks. I will never tell her. I’m just not sure realistically what happens if she does want to rekindle a possible relationship, I feel that conversation might happen when she’s a young adult. She’s only nine, so I guess I have some time to figure those questions out. As for my love, yes he had broken up with me but understanding why is deep rooted in parental abuse from early childhood. Only in more recent (in the past 6 months or so) has he even revealed the intensity of beating at his father’s hand and betrayal of action by his mother, and yet his empathy struck me like a punch to the face. I felt I was careless with his emotional trust this time. And I certainly knew better. With that being said, the state of mind I was (and am still in) cannot take another blow. No we didn’t have a fight, not even a harsh word. I asked for his word not ever to break up with me again with careless disregard and he gave it to me. His word he holds to, that’s why I asked for it. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard a word. I know he probably feels like this is betrayal (hypocrisy at least) and anger is his go to emotion. I just hope in time he can understand I had to step back, I had to. I hope he can learn forgiveness. Understand he was learning to really love my daughter and me in a way I know was unchartered territory. I don’t think he had ever loved anyone more. My heart is broken right now. Thank you for listening…

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.