Dear Anita,
I agree, it is definitely difficult to apply what we learn in times of challenge. But I try to tell myself I AM already applying it just by recognizing my patterns and by thinking about applying it etc – if that makese sense.
I try to do a sitting meditation every evening, but I have been on business trips etc and have just been so busy that I do find excuses to not do it all the time…

In the meantime, my dad had finally an apointment to talk with the surgeon who was supposed to do the sugery that he cancelled because no one told him what exactly they wanted to do and why. A surgery is unavoidable at this point and the surgeon was encouraging, telling him it is one of his most common procedures and he will get life quality back.
He still has an apointment for a second opinion, but I think there won’t be a much different outcome.
For some strange reason, I am feeling better now. Although I had hope that they would say he only needs a tiny surgery and no fusion, I still feel not as anxious anymore. And feel somehwat optimistic that he will be so much better after surgery.

I don’t know how the change iny my feeling towards all of this came..but I’ ll take it.
My dad is still calm and positive as always.
I also tell myself that – while this is nothing that we should be happy about – this is not a total crisis situation. There are so many more medical problems affecting people and it isn’t anything out of the “ordinary”.

That’s a bit of rambling from me 😉

Anita, thanks for your kind words.

Did you talk to your father about this fear? Hold his hand and tell him how you fear for him… you may find comfort in connecting with him about this fear.

This is actually exactly what I did recently when I went to visit them. I sat there and started crying and held his hand and he told me it is ok (the fact that he has to comfort me now when he is the one with the surgery etc) and that he will be ok.
He told me that I can see how well he is dealing with the situation and that I should take comfort from this and that he feels spoiled to have been so healthy for so long and accepts that this is a first “little niggle” at the age of 76.

Bethany,
haha thanks, I hope I can still keep my humor 🙂

And yes, I know I am lucky to have such caring and “cool” parents who just “get” me.
But naturally, the fear of loss is very big that way.
I do practive mindfulness meditation, have done for some time now – as I am prone to mild depression and I was looking for a way to stabilize myself. It does help and it also helps me to recognize the patterns of the mind such as thinking ahead and dramatizing etc.
But still, the sadness is obviously there right now. I think this situation and the thoughts and fears that come along with it have just made me very emotional and also very nostalgic right now. I miss the feeling of “everything is ok” and of a carefree young life.
I know it is natural and normal for life to not always be sunshine and roses and I try to work ony my acceptance towards feelings I don’t like.
So long story short: yes, I try to take extra care of myself now and medidate. I also execercise and do yoga, which I think also helps my mental health.

It is just difficult for me now because I felt very stable and at ease at the beginning of the year. I had an unhappy episode with one of those useless guys I fall for 😉 and was surprised how fast and well I got over it and felt very strong and good after this.
But now there is this worry and I do notice how it affects me and whenever I feel sad or teary or anxious it reminds me of phases when I was depressed so it is hard for me to accept that as something “normal”.