Hi Anita

good to see your reply.

You have reminded me of how i feel when my other old wounds were heal. I remember some of things that happened when i broke up with my first love, the way that I lingered and the tears that were shed, yet i don’t feel anything when i recall these now.

I guess as time goes by, that feeling will be the same as the feeling i will have for this current ex.

I have even struggled for a while on whether to reply her first message, i can’t rule out the possibility that she meant good and was trying to return things.

but as she asked me to go out, my first reaction was ‘why are you asking me out instead?”

I realized the gut respond was usually most truthful to the heart. A lot of times when we second think , we complicate our  mind and what you truly want and think are shadowed by thoughts that come after. So i better stick to my originally feelings.

Thanks for remembering my south america trip, I have always been very athletic yet in last year, i almost didn’t run or hike at all, all the energy was drained by those depressive episodes. I have even signed up for my very first full marathon, so me and my friends are all together working for it.

This south america trip has also taught me to distinguish some good anxiousness vs not as good anxiousness.

I realize when i was pondering on a decision, to do or not to do, if my gut feeling tells me that it would be a good thing to do and it will be fruitful in the end despite how hard the journey may seem, this kind of  nervousness is ‘good’, and that i would just push myself to do it instead of think further on it, although the idea sounds scary at first. This full marathon is one of them. Going into the wilderness of Patagonia when i was in south america was one of them, in fact, going to south america alone is also one of them.

and every single time, making a decision based on this is always always right. once i have completed it, i feel so proud of myself, that i can take care of myself and i have created good memory that pushes me forward.

Interesting to note how easy it sounds now, but half  a year ago, i was just so hopeless and helpless.

so i guess it’s good that i record it here, so that i won’t lost track anymore

Thanks Anita, good night on your side of the world!

Chau

Dear Anita and all

Good to come back again, this time not to vent out, but to share my recent life after I came back home.

After I came back I am very at ease with myself, I haven’t been at state for like, 2 years i guess? There are still times when I get frustrated, irriated, angry or negative in general, but I realized I let these go so much quicker than i did before. I even let go of negative people in my life, and if i really need to interact with any of them, i take things very lightly. I remember when Anita said every minute of life ruminating over these negative things that happened in life, is a life lost, and this has really stuck in my mind.

and I also realized, the only way that I can contribute back to my friends and families, is to be a very healthy and happy person. I know how I have been spreading positivty to my friends now, they noticed how I have changed, they noticed how I have become very happy about things in life, and that I begin to reach out to friends who are in distress and in having a difficult time.

I think because i needed to climb back up from the bottom, I have accumulated so much wisdom that I was either told, or I discovered in life, and that has made me very resistance to upsetting events in life in general.

and I realized, I have grown so much after this. and now, everyday seems to be a day to celebrate. I am very grateful for what I have in life.

I found that really miraculous. I will try to continue to keep up with it =)

Talk again

Cheers

Chau

Dear Anita

Again, thanks for your reply.
I understand what you mean, I think as a person who is very sensitive to emotions and everything, I felt that my parents were neglectful of me when i was a child. Not that they didn’t care or were intentional. It was just that I needed that emotional bond very much, which resulted in me feeling afraid to reach out even when i was a child: I couldn’t get what I wanted from them, and i felt i was left alone to deal with all the emotions and loneliness.
This reminds me of how much i crave for emotional connection in my relationship. I basically broke up with my prior ex, because I couldn’t feel the connection, although in fact we did get along quite ok and were committed in the relationship.
I am beginning to see this trip as a little test to how I adapt to things, and how to live in the moment.
On Monday I realized I was late in booking an activity which might result in not able to go to this particular tour entirely. I was panicky and was very nervous for the whole afternoon, but gradually there was a voice in my head that reminded me that ‘it’s ok’. Worst would be i couldn’t go for this tour. or may be i can postpone it or something. I very quickly calm down after that.
I think eventually, I have learned such a valuable lesson from this experience, which i often say to my friends now “I wont’ let anything or anything take away my peace of mind(-well i would try not to)”That was a terrible period
For now I feel lonely from time to time, trying to get back to dating scene yet somehow feeling a bit stuck. I think i still that connection very much,just that i need to be patience i guess.
I will for sure take good care of myself, Thanks you Anita

May I wish you a merry christmas and a wonderful new year

Chau

Hi Anita

That’s fine, thanks for replying every single time, appreciate it!
The retreat that i did was a yoga retreat, basically I adopted a routine of morning and evening yoga.
I realize when I do it, it is connecting my mind body and soul, and I can concentrate on my breathing. and ‘control’ my thoughts.
choosing to concentrate in my movements instead of the thoughts that keep coming in.
I think a lot of time, I just let my emotions override me, i let myself feel them so deeply when they come, at least in my first 30 years of life.
And i realize it’s a delicate balance, feeling the emotions and to accept them, VS knowing some emotions don’t require action and letting them go. I don’t know if I am making sense, but I think sometime I feel them deeply and I recover, while other times I need to prevent some emotions/thoughts from coming up so they don’t further harm me.

When I do think of her/miss her, it’s from deep down of my heart, feel like it’s attached to my heart. and so from time to time, I have hard time in letting go of that ‘missing’ feelings, coz it’s…stuck to my heart.

Anyways,i think your advice is very valid to me. I will try to logically think of what serves me and what doesn’t, what requires action and what are useless, and let useless thinking go.

Take good care!

Chau

Thanks Ccn and Mishika

I went for another trip for a retreat last month, trying to put everything down by detaching from everything.
that works well.
Now I am more stable and i realized I there were days when I didn’t really think of her(finally), and when I do and when there are emotions, i understand they fade in the end.
I hope this lasts. and thanks for all the kind words

Chau

Dear Anita

I think you are right. One of my struggles is i am still caught in this self blame. I realized a pattern: 1) When I thought of the good things she did/how she said we would get married/stay together–> 2) I thought i did something to sabotage it(or else how would it go wrong?)–> 3) caught in this self-blame
And this relationship is indeed in the past, but i would still ask ‘why would this be in the past?””Should it stay in the past?” thinking of all the things that she said and she promised. They seem to just happened yesterday. and I Guess deep down I do want a long term relationship, so I do keep blaming myself for destroying, well, sort of, destroying it.
I think i need to let go of the habit of thinking of them, which i am trying to do so by deleting them from my life. I feel like I am stuck with feeling the feelings. Or may be i am just too used to missing/thinking of a person, now the place is empty and i need to fill that space.

Dear ccn
Thanks for your reply for reading the whole, I have written the whole story for these few months in here, must have taken you a lot of time to do so!
I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar, difficult path, and with the relationship being secretive it makes things a lot worse. I think same-sex relationship often carries some sort of shame, that we need to hide it here and there as if we have done something wrong. Makes it extra hard, but in fact, no, for me there is nothing wrong with it.
Sometime, I feel I have exhausted my friends, and they feel like you should have moved on. I guess finding someone who can understand is important.
and same as you, there are times when things are better and other worse. These days i try to go swim/jog every day. I think that helps me feel more grounded. It cleared the heaviness.
Do share your thoughts to CNN, i think as you said, it’s important to do so so as to release the stress and let go of unwanted feelings.

Thanks for all the input.
Appreciate it.
Chau

Hi Anita and George

thanks for the reply!
Good to hear from both of you.
As I gain my right mind I am objectively(try to ) evaluating the relationship.
I know I did something wrong too, and my ex did smth wrong too in the end.
But I am trying to accept this flawed self of mine as well as my ex’s.

And i do wish her happy, when she said things were better on her side, I didn’t feel rage or anything, I genuinely hoped that she was fine. And i guess that’s why i didn’t further pursue the conversation, didn’t ask her about her current(if there is any),if she wanted to find me or tell me, she would do so without prompting.

I don’t even feel too much anger on her betrayal. I think she had her own issue to sort out too. Cheating is just a ineffective way to escape and avoid facing the real issue, and i think she has some work to do on her own.

George, I agree that the first two weeks(actually for me it’s like two months), was terrible. But since I knew i would just hurt her by contacting her, i put everything up on my own.
I did cry last night, when I self-talk(i imagined talking to her actually) , and I didn’t realize i still had so much to cry. But it’s not that overwhelming cry, it’s just saddening that this has ended up like this.
Thanks a lot for the suggestion! I think they make perfect sense. I am sure I will follow some of your suggestion. And thanks for writing in such a detailed way.

Anita, I am trying to update you to let you and everyone know i am better =) I think you helped me a lot and i think you would be happy to know the progress, especially this seems to be a positive one so far.

Have a nice weekend everyone

Chau