hi anita

thanks, i think it is interesting to note how the mind and the heart are in conflict.
i think i am trying to use my mind to convince my heart, but apparently they operate in differnt systems , and my heart is always the one who takes the lead, this rational thinking doesnt help as much i guess.
but i think you are correcr in a sense that i sort of feel safe when i am with her, but all now that is left is hurt when i am with her, at least if she continues to blame or hate me.

today i can feel i am letting go more, for some reason, i think i see how bad they have been treating me. and i finally realize, there is nothing in this chaotic relationship that worths my effort anymore.

chau

Hi all

Thanks for all the advice. I was researching for information to understand the situation, and this articles shed some light on what is happening.
hope it helps those who suffer from infidelity

Chau

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-about-trauma/201503/love-is-war-post-infidelity-stress-disorder

Dear Anita
I did commit to myself having at least a month of not contacting and reacting to her, or until i am strong enough and sane enough to react to anything that will be presented to me.
I started this obsessive pattern last week and I think i just want to come back for some insight, I know something inside is missing or bubbling that caused me to engage in these things.thanks for shedding some light.
Will update you with my progress, I am hopeful that it will be turning out just fine in a month or two.
Thanks!

Chau

Dear all

Thanks for the reply.
I do have some good days and some bad days.
and I agree that I haven’t fully given up on her,and keep thinking things may change, and that she is not THAT bad, she probably would reflect on herself, and possibly come back and talk to me etc.
I guess letting go is quite scary in a way, and I am clinging on old memories when she is still very attached to me and very caring to me.
it’s not been very long, it’s just 3 weeks after we offically stopped contact. I guess I am still understanding myself to be in this chaotic state, it’s just a bit hard to bear at times.

Thanks everyone.

Chau

Hi all!

I have been trying to work on myself to recover this week.
Trying to cry whenever needed, and to understand the guilt and to let go of it.
I have ups and downs though, and yesterday I missed her so much that I went to her home downstairs, seeing she hasn’t slept yet and when she was fixing the curtain, i was so afraid that she would see me.
Supposedly I have a volunteer outing that I am going with her tomorrow , I am in between wanting to go and not wanting to go.
I have been checking her and my fd’s online status(it’s really silly seriously) on whatsapp and I have a gist that my friendd and her were not together(stupid assumption too)
I don’t understand why after so many things happened, I am not angry at her and still want her to be by my side.
Of course every one asked me to stay away from her, but after last night, I miss her more than anything, it seems that I have done something silly to hinder my own progress.
I have been trying to make myself better first before interacting with her. But It’s not there yet apparently, and it seems I am not ready for it.
Advice?
Thanks

Clara

Hi Anita

Thanks a lot
I think what you said gave me a sense of relief. I have been tormented by both the betrayal, the accusation that was directed to me, and i took them all because i saw my ex-gf crying like hell and was in misery. I have been thinking ‘did i cause this? did I really treat her that bad?” normally I know if i did nth wrong, i wouldn’t feel guilty, but this is someone I care a lot, and so i took extra responsibilities for it. It’s my achilles heel, when i care about someone, when i am in love i tend to get very lost.
Thanks for making this so clear to me. It’s a very good lesson for me.

Chau

Now I do remember why I thought I abused her.
For example I didn’t really like the genre of music that she liked, I think I am biased in a way that I thought those who like electronic are people who are playful(no basis at all now I think of it) , may be I did express my dislike on that, and it became a bit personal.
I also said comparing with the helping profession, graphic design(which she does) did not contribute that much to the general well being of the world(and that did go a bit personal in the end)
I probably did think(or even say) what her friends thought or did was a bit childish(and probably did go a bit personal in the end).
I remember feeling not very accepting towards this person, and I guess she felt rejected all the time.
Well, I guess I just didn’t love her enough afterall, which caused all the disrespectful and biased comments. Sigh

Hi Anita

You know what, I am also very confused as to what I did to her. On one hand I recalled her feeling very depressed because my comments about her work, about her way in dealing with people and things, on her personality etc. and on the other hand, I did encourage her to go and explore her interest(Although that did not necessarily involve me joining all the activities).I recalled feeling she wanted my attention and approval so much to a point that I felt stressed out. I am an introvert and am someone who needs independence, yet if I was just be myself it seemed that I couldn’t satisfied what she wanted, and she got depressed and couldn’t feel my care at all.
But in any case, may be how I look exposed what I truly thought, I didn’t find her inspiring or very attractive at times, I guess that’s where her complaints stem from.
however, reminding myself to use EAR in the future won’t harm at all!
And yes I know I shouldn’t slap her or use any physical force. I recalled I did hit her backpack and arms for one or two times in the first few days when I discovered the incident. Probably that has imprinted some scars on her as well
After that I did have very intense outburst at times, to a point that I grabbed my own arm very hard, there was times when I almost wanted to bang my own head. I did nothing phsycial to her, but I guess emotionally she was very scared already, seeing me in such intense emotions.

Thanks Anita

Chau