Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses.

No I have not grieved the baby. I wasn’t ready. I want to be.

As for food… Yes, when I am under great deals of stress nothing tastes right, my appetite diminishes. But I do eat healthy, and I eat as often as I can but still do not gain weight easily, even if I am eating 5 meals a day. I dislike fried and fatty foods. Something needs to change though. When stress is the worst my appetite is completely gone and I literally have to set a timer on my phone in order to be mindful of meal times throughout the day. It’s a constant struggle.

No nutritionist here… I am trying to find a good local program that does not cost an arm and a leg. I can’t afford much as a single mother with no child support at this time. (That’s a whole other matter). I do have a Yoga mat & blocks at home, as well as some good DVDs. I want to take it up again and definitely need to have a good diet plan in place to ensure I am not losing weight in the process.

Matt, I will definitely look up that book, thank you. I’ve also never heard of the metta meditation practice, I’ll research it by all means.

I’m also going to attempt to book an appointment with a local chiropractor/acupuncturist that happens to be fabulous (by review) and is in my health insurance network. He also works with many holistic remedies. My body feels ravaged right now. I’m skinny, my ears ring all the time (loudly), my hair seems to be greasy all the time and I have a breakout on my shoulders and back that I have not been able to get rid of for the life of me since the miscarriage. I lost so much more than just a baby that day. I think my body just said enough.

Thank you! I am trying to get back to that point again. A few months ago I was in such a state that all good things were happening… and it was all because I had shifted to that way of thinking and just “being” in the moment. I know this setback will not last forever. It’s frustrating that I was “there” and “here I am again”. It honestly makes me just want to scream. I know I have to see past the roadblocks and continue to be creative and fluid in order to work through this. I will not let my credit, finances, or any other past issues stand in my way… Something good has to come out of all of this. Just some adjustment time along the way.

I saw him. It was confusing but really kind of nice at the same time. He stayed a while, and kept hugging and holding me. He kissed me on the cheek and we chatted for a while, not about anything serious… Just enjoyed talking and spending time together. He was squeezing me so tight when he was holding me. He genuinely thanked me for helping out this weekend and told me how much he appreciates me. Then after a while he said he was having a little trouble with self control and it was time to go home. I agreed. I know in my heart nothing else can happen without a real and genuine relationship attached to it. It was hard but nice… because I could feel how much he cares radiating in every touch and movement, every look he gave me. The hard part is knowing without being told that deep down he does not feel he has enough to offer me, and that he is just not ready to open up yet. I hope his own journey takes him to special places and reawakens him. Still, it’s nice to have that moment and know for sure that there’s someone out there that thinks about you fondly. I’m also proud of myself for exhibiting such self control. I was just my charming self, in the moment, and commanding nothing but kindness and respect.

I have to see him today for the first time since all of this happened. I had to help out and take his dog for the weekend. This is going to be tough. He’s been reaching out and texting and calling this week. He says he’s really happy that we are able to talk like we do after everything and that he still wants me to be a part of his life. He also says he does think about us an awful lot. But he’s still in we need to be friends mode, and I’m still totally unsure and on the fence and hurting through this process. This week has been tough. I’ve been entirely too open with him this week, as we have also communicated by email. I suppose it’s closure and just needing to be sure I’ve been my honest and true self. I think I’ve honestly said all the things that I needed to say. Still…. it’s all different when you’re face to face with that person. So today, I get to attempt to keep my composure, then go straight back to work after lunch with all of this on my mind. Yikes.

It’s still hitting me. I should have known it would not have passed so easily. I feel lost and I have no motivation this past two days to do the things I enjoy, or the things that I need to. I know better, but I feel like I’m always going to be the little girl sitting in the window waiting for her daddy to arrive… waiting forever. Waiting for the most important man in my life to show up and show me that he wants to fight for me. This really brought up some past feelings from my father who passed away this year that I barely know, and my marriage. And not knowing if my new ex is keeping distance to respect my wishes and allow me to heal and move on… or really just doesn’t care… or is hurting. I know it’s not for me to know. But still, I’m a girl, I wonder. So much silence. Fear of the unknown. Memories of the past. Not a fun combination to have to allow to work through my system so I can find some peace. 🙁