This post isn’t even about the breakup I recently had. I’m in the middle of another major life transition, and just cannot keep it together. I’m keeping very busy, reading several books at the same time, focusing on work and kids, house hunting (I’ll get to that in a minute) and trying to take time to exercise when I have the time. For a while things were great. I was meditating, learning, and feeling so much more at peace with everything around me. Now, not so much. I have a constant feeling of anxiety, and I’m starting to see that the stress is effecting me far worse than I even realize, as I’ve developed adult dyslexia the past couple of years (just with numbers), and it is worsening, and making my job harder.

This is where I’m at right now… I’m finally in a home that I can afford without needing the child support that I have not been receiving for the past 2 years. My ex is suing me for custody on the grounds of a very outdated morality law (I had a male roommate when finances were rough, and was forced to move out of that home, forfeiting my deposits and everything, and move somewhere that I could actually afford, closer to work. My move was into the next state, but literally just 10 miles over the state line). The custody case has been going on for more than one year now, he has not been paying (when he does it’s $75 one month, $100 two months later). Financially it’s left the children and I in a tough spot. When I moved, we were “in season”, and the rental market is tough… So were my finances. I was unable to get him a certified letter 30 days before the move, so he is using this and the move to “another state” as grounds to force me back to the original state. He walked out of mediation last month because I would not agree to share 50/50 physical custody with our school aged children with him (so he could get out of paying any more child support). Now my attorney has notified me that though his office notified him officially of the move as soon as I knew I had a place to go, he had the right to dispute it, and even after 1 year of living here, I must move before court in a few months. Sheesh. It’s going to double my rent and financially devastate us… And take us away from the life we have started here in a new town.

During that whole process, I’ve also been trying to find myself again. Find my happiness. I’ve been divorced 4 years now, on my own for 5. It’s been a process in itself. I took more than a year to just be with my kids and not really date. Time to heal. Then… for a while… I really started to cut loose, and was irresponsible for a while, like many people are as they are healing from a divorce. Then I met the guy I just broke up with… A year and a half gone. I’m questioning everything. I don’t know if he really did have some love for me but was just not ready or just too emotionally unavailable to really be there, or if he was just using me. I don’t know if my values changed to meet his, or if this is really me here. It’s all been difficult. I’ve been through two different job changes in the past year, and it is difficult to house hunt with my credit still destroyed from the divorce. I’m just so frustrated. When I moved here I was starting over. Leaving all the negativity behind and starting anew. I had such high hopes. And yet every few months or so I feel like another major change in life derails us. I’m dreading moving and not sure how my finances will handle it. Or how the kids will handle having to change schools. And lose their babysitter. And we wouldn’t be able to afford a sitter anymore, I know I’d be taking on everything by myself, and often have my young children home with me while I work (I work from home now).

I feel so out of control right now… I’ve never had so much trouble controlling my own emotions. I now cry over sad TV shows & commercials. I am having trouble keeping my thoughts to myself as well. I’ve lashed out at my recent ex-boyfriend several times now despite knowing better. I’m up and down constantly… which is the total opposite of who I am. I’m typically a very go-with-the-flow kind of girl, very easygoing and easy to get along with. Now I have days where I feel like I belong in the nut hatch.

I don’t know what else to do. I just don’t. I know I need to try to find some more time just for myself to actually reflect on the things I’m learning. I have great clarity when I’m helping others… but every time I even start to think about the myriad of issues I am personally dealing with right now, I go into instant distress. This past 5 years have been a long, painful exercise in seeing just how much can be thrown at me before I break. At least I’m strong. The worst situations have not broken me. I know I can do this… I just feel like I’m getting off track, and it doesn’t help that once again I’m having to sacrifice in order to comply with everyone else’s needs/laws/rules. I’m stressed out, and furious, and shaking my head, because I’m the only one fighting for us. I didn’t think I would be at this stage of my life and still have so much a complete mess. I thought I might be on my way to being in a stable relationship and have lots of friends around us and a peaceful, fun life filled with hobbies and love and learning. That’s my ideal world. Just out of my reach.

I have to get this all under control soon. The situation and my own emotional reaction to everything going on. It’s just too much at once, again. I don’t even know what to say… I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads screaming at the top of my lungs but no one is listening… I’ve put so much time and effort into rebuilding my life and into self improvements… WHY do I feel like meddling people are standing in my way?? Regardless of anything my ex husband, ex boyfriend, friends, work, acquaintances, you name it… regardless of anything any of them do or say, shouldn’t I be able to get through this without having a complete meltdown???