Appreciate the feedback.  My husband has very little contact with his little sister.  And you are correct, Dor, there are dynamics and events that have happened that I have no knowledge of.  Until we were married, my husband never called nor sent a card for her birthday.  I made sure that he wrote in the card that I sent but all of that was instigated by me because of how I was brought up.  I’m the one that shops for birthdays, Christmas….not my husband UNLESS I involve him in it.  Which, I am doing more and more because for events, such as Mother’s Day, he needs to buy for his own mom….not me buying for her under his name.  I took on this role as a wife and I’m ready to not do it anymore.  I think, sometimes, that she views me as my husband….our kids are HIS so there’s sibling rivalry and such that goes on.  That stems from my parents-in-law furthering that message of “Why aren’t you like your brother?” and having my husband sit in on family discussions (basically act like he was a parent) when SIL was in trouble.  That was something he and I addressed with each other before we were married because I didn’t want to have anything to do with that.

I know she has fear.  My husband, within the past year, was driving through and arranged to have lunch with her.  Her eldest son came along as well, which was fine but my husband didn’t invite him.  So, she doesn’t want to be alone with my husband.

I have plenty of dynamics going on in my own family.  My mom is 86 and my sisters and I have all sorts of things with her, having dealt and currently healing from various abuses growing up.  SIL is a bit much at the moment for me.  With the professional help I have been receiving recently, it seems to have prompted my husband to look at his own family dynamics which is a new thing for him.

I don’t hate my SIL, I love her dearly and have wished for her to find happiness in her life.  I try not to take it all personally but it does hurt.  I think I feel the urge to distance myself a bit, focus on my own little family (kids and hubby) and leave the door open for her.

Thanks for all your replies/feedback.

CLB: Currently, my little family lives far enough away that we can’t be of much help but can get there in a day, if need be. Appreciate you sharing your experience, thank you.

Anita: Thanks for your compassionate message.

Inky: Thanks for the different approach, appreciate a different option in how to view and handle things. You said something about the gifts your mother gives you….and you’re absolutely correct. In visiting with a friend last night, I saw where the authentic, honest relationship I have with my spouse was partially due to this relationship I have with my mom.

Peaceatlast: Thanks for sharing your ideas, experiences.

nyres817: I appreciate you sharing resources and your story.

There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s an emotional/mental issue underlying mom’s behavior and treatment of others. I spoke with both sisters, months ago, about the possibility of some level of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One thinks it isn’t the case but rather mom is extremely selfish. While the other doesn’t say much (as she stated that when dad died, she was going to have very little, if anything, to do with mom). That one knows a lot more than what she’s saying, sometimes relays some stories/memories but generally tries not to say much.

Mom was extremely firm and strict when we were raised, a controlling parent. There wasn’t a complete absence of love but rather when we approached a certain age (around 10) she withheld love, affection was no longer appropriate. At that time, the ‘rages’ (which were going from 0 to 180 with anger) were not clear as to what set it off…one never knew what would upset her. Punishments made little sense. So that was very confusing and still is. Also know that there’s a history of abuse on that side of the family (via stories from grandma). From stories relayed to me, it sounds as though she experienced post-partum depression with me (grandmother shamed her about being pregnant at 40). It sounds that dad and my siblings were heavily involved in my care. My siblings are 9 and 11 years older than I.

There was never an official diagnosis and I don’t believe mom ever sought help with that either….which may go along with a popular belief system in her age group (depression isn’t a real disease).

It was very confusing for me. Lots of ‘flip-flopping’ on what I got punished for, severity of punishments that didn’t fit the crime or ‘imagined’ crime (yeah, got punished for what she thought I did even if I didn’t do it). She and I have a hard time communicating with each other. I can state things simply and bluntly and she doesn’t understand it. She expects me to read her mind and instinctively know what help she needs, when she needs it. ha ha…I haven’t evolved THAT much yet. 😉

I share these bits and pieces….not to have a vent session, pity party or “Poor me!! I’m such a victim!”. Not at all. It is a puzzle that I feel such a huge drive to solve. Its painful sometimes to meditate and have memories, I had long forgotten, surface. I seek to remember the good memories as well. I guess, as a mother myself, I now see more of an abused inner child that lashes out at the world…instead of the monster I used to see. Forgiveness….it will take some time but I know it will come. That is something that isn’t typically difficult for me, forgiveness.

I have checked out the ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’ website and found valuable information. I have also been reading (little chunks at a time) “Codependent No More” and a friend loaned me “Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise”. While I really want to understand this, find compassion for it and find a love for her that I can give without feeling hurt that it isn’t reciprocated; I’m also searching for freedom. Physically distance doesn’t matter if I still allow her to affect me as she always has, snap her fingers and I perform. I understand that I’m responsible for my choices and I’m as free as I allow myself to be (internally). I’ve discovered less guilt, more self-love over this past year. I had a few days at one point that I felt this huge beam (think Iron Man) of love radiating from my chest….and I loved that!

I don’t know what the future will bring but I always have hope. And yes, maybe that hope is in vain….but maybe that’s why I’m also numb right now. I’m hopeful yet protecting myself…out of habit. What I don’t expect is unconditional love, acceptance from my mom. Those hardly ever came when one did things exactly as she wanted you to, so not going to happen even if I’m happier than I’ve ever been. However, it is also a life lesson and these memories, educating myself (thanks everyone for your input)…this cycle stops with me. I’m NOT passing it onto my children. It’ll be interesting to see how they evolve and improve on parenting (if/when they have their own). In the meantime, CLB is right….I need to work on accepting that this is all she has/can give. I do wish for her to feel more authentic love for herself, feel more acceptance…so maybe she can feel some of that freedom herself before she’s gone.

Thanks for your replies and thanks so much for reading. 🙂

Dear Anita and Aislynn,

Thanks again for your responses and perspectives. Its a bit late for me so this will be quick (well, quick for me…ha ha).

A handful of short conversations since Friday when hubby came home. He is working out of home for a week. He doesn’t want to move, it is difficult to think about right now. The job keeps him super busy, other departments needing 10 different pieces of information yesterday….y’know how that goes. I will say that since he’s been home, I noticed today that he didn’t have dark circles under his eyes. So he’s getting a lot of rest and relaxation with us, coupled with family time/playtime with the kiddos. PLUS good nutrition because its hard to have that when you live out of a hotel room.

I know he doesn’t want to move the kids and I. I completely understand why he’s torn on the matter as well. I agree with Anita that it will take a few conversations not just one big one.

Meanwhile, I’ve been doing some meditation the past couple of days and today felt TONS of motivation. Thus, the kids and I have begun unpacking ALL the boxes that we usually never touch. We’ll go through them and do whatever needs to be done whether its repacking some items and donating others. The clutter doesn’t help matters so we’ll get rid of the clutter….before school starts!

I’ve also re-thought my response of “If we’re here”. You’re right, Aislynn, it is exhausting. So on some things it’ll be a “Sure!” and some things will have to be “We’ll see….” Either way, it really doesn’t matter where we live because the things they want to do have the activities available. i.e.: Can I take dance lessons? You bet! –they have them in both places.

I put up workout and motivational posters in my ‘workout’ room and unpacked those boxes. Trying to find the other pictures and figure out how I’ll arrange the “family wall” of photos. I think the way I was looking at it all, the focus needed to be shifted. Will I have to take those pictures down and move again? Maybe. But this is OUR HOME now. And its up to me to make it feel like a home.

The owner of the house, prior to us, was a Master Gardener. And did she ever plan this out! There are so many bees buzzing around the flowers and flowers bloom from early Spring into Fall. Tonight, I walked around outside, barefoot, looking at all the flowers. Smelling some of them. Rubbing my fingers on the lavender blooms. The neighbor’s cat came over and found the perfect place to roll. Every person that drove by, smiled and waved. The kids were out there with me, playing with the neighbor’s cat (no worries there because we have a house-full of our own furry children). It wasn’t a picture of complete peace…tranquility with lots of giggles. Thinking about that now, I can’t spend my energy worrying about what might happen. And that’s where all this resentment really comes from. Yes, its about hubby’s job but its also about worrying what I can’t control. So I need to practice being present. Live each day to its fullest. We’ll have our little conversations and I know the kids and I are here until the end of 2016/2017 school year. We’ll see what those conversations open to us.

Thank you, Inky. 🙂