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Chris

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  • in reply to: Am I making a mistake here? #62997
    Chris
    Participant

    What you both said!

    Ruminant, I genuinely appreciate your knowledge of the situation and you are right. Most of these walls that have been put up stem from childhood memories of conflict, abandonment, and sometimes worse. I have gotten to the point where my energies have been tapped, I needed some affirmation and affection and it was not available. I have lost patience and taken away that security that I would be with her forever and that is when the dragon came out. So yes, there are two truth’s here and my lack of strength, patience, and most importantly understanding are very much adding to this.

    Matt, what a great illustration. That is exactly how it feels. I know there is a beatiful, vulnerable person in there that is very guarded and the closer I’ve gotten over the years, the bigger the moats and defenses have seemed. Also, what you have said. It is quite the quest. It has been tiring and I guess if she will come to the table with me then the answer will be clear.

    Thank you both

    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62995
    Chris
    Participant

    Hi Bernadette,

    I couldn’t agree more with Matt/ Popi. As you described, if it started out in secrecy and leaving for months on end then it seems he was just in this for himself. He wanted this relationship tended to minimally when he was ready to come back but not while he was in it. He knew you would bring him back and he knew how to come back so leaving to go have fun seemed incosequential to him. You remained be very focused on turning this into a partnership and he wanted it to remain shallow and serving his wants. From my perspective, you should feel proud of yourself for the efforts you made. Trying to make a relationship real is not sabotage, you were fighting the good fight. I think his last text of “you sabotaged this relationship” should not make you feel guilty, this just shows he hasn’t taken any time to realize his failures.

    You’re saying you lost who you were before you met your ex, I know that feeling. That’s what happens when you give of yourself and don’t recieve. Just take comfort in the fact that while you may want to rebuild certain sttributes, you are working on yourself now while your ex is left with his toxicity and a lack of self-awareness. You are free of it and are already stronger. Get out of the mud, tell yourself that you did everything you possibly could and get the fulfillment you earned. You deserve better!

    in reply to: Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says. #62975
    Chris
    Participant

    This is very much like my situation, Only I take the role mostly of your BF. My wife is very open about finances and her felling while I have always been secretive. We ended up combining them but I still have my own bank account for extras that I do not discuss. I feel every guy needs his own money, that he earns to do with as he wishes without having to asnwer for it (within the moral obligations of a relationship, of course). I started becoming very sensitve because I felt every action I took would be open to criticism. Women need to make there man feel respected and valued despite their flaws (we all have many) and men need to make women feel loved. I believe this was the attempt with the cooking, massages, etc. At the same time him leaving and sending mixed messages really negated the positive attempts.

    It’s so difficult for men and women to understand the opposite sexes approach to arguments. I am seperated now but used to always leave during an argument because I felt outgunned and unheard. When you argue who shouts the most? Are the different opinions both being heard and recognized or is the argument just going the same direction until one person folds? I would always leave for a few hours to cool my head and think about it. I think as long as the agreement is if he does leave then there is a commitment to revisit it with clear heads. We didn’t do that and that’s a big reason I am where I am because I would just leave and go to the bar and come back when I wanted. We would then push it under the rug and the issue would go unresolved.

    He cannot choose friends or family over you, there has to be a healthy balance where he visits them but not if you had plans. Also, if he was comitted, he needs to form a true partnership with you and share the important details of life with you.

    There really is no blame here though, you are both human and we all make mistakes in relationships. In this relationship the mistakes seemed equal on both sides. I must say that I noticed at least twice that you said “he brings the worst out of you” I think that says it all right there. If you can bring the best out of each other, then everything else will fall into place over time.

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