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Did I sabotage my relationship? That's what my ex says.

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  • August 10, 2014 at 4:59 am #62970
    Bernadette
    Participant

    I’m not sure how to move away completely from these thoughts going round and round in my head. Sorry for this long post..

    My ex texted me the other day to say I was the one who messed up the relationship…that he did love me a lot and I made him changed…. I do admit at some point I failed as a girlfriend, I guess it’s because of some bad feelings I have towards things he does that brings the worst out of me, hence I become bitter, like the fact that we were together for 5 yrs and I barely know who my boyfriend really is. We live together at my home, yet most of his belongings are kept at his mums house, whenever I try to sort out any of my concerns he says I’m overeacting, we end up arguing, it’s come to a point were nothing I say is important, we argue constantly, I get bitter and walk around with a permanent sulk on my face, I fear if I say something he will leave me…cause as soon as we argue he would just leave, I became depressed and my personality changed so much, I get very angry, smash things up, fight with him when he just won’t talk to me.. he gives me the silent treatment, it’s frustrating, as I want answers from issues I want to talk about, and sometimes we don’t talk for a week and yet we share the same bed. We act like strangers in the house…

    I dunno why things have got so bad, my bf would rarely support me in problems I have, he will say I am the one who put myself in these situations…even when I’m In the right..yet I will support him in any problems he may have. I am there for him.

    On the other end he could be a nice person too, he will cook for me, make me breakfast, help around the house, give me massage when I’m tired, does some contribution at the house.
    And on one hand my main worry is.. he is very secretive about his personal stuff, yet I’m very open about all areas of my life, his family knows more about his business than I do, he confides in his mum and sister about his personal stuff, it’s made me very bitter and a it’s cause so much arguments in the relationship.. Example is, if he gets extra cash or bonus at work he will never tell me, yet I talk openly about my finances with him..
    sometimes I feel that I was too hard on him, but it’s tough living with a partner who is secretive, he never discusses his goals, plans, with me, not even his finance, savings, nothing, I am very open with him, I share all my worries, fears, pain, everything, And I wish he could have been the same with me..I have tried telling him how I feel so many many times, he just says I’m too sensitive and controlling.
    He always makes me feel guilty when I raise any issues concerning the relationship. truly I do feel guilty that I was the one who maybe messed up the relationship, to end it..because he never had any reason to complain about me.

    we have broken up many times on the same issues, and some other issues which he has improved on last year after we broke up for 5 months. I feel bad cause 2 months ago he was telling me how he wants the relationship to work and that he did acknowledge, he did some things that have upset me, I had so much hopes for us, and just 4 days later he weas gone, after an argument, I was the one who told him to go away, I was very angry and depressed because we we’re suppose to go somewhere together that day instead he went to his mums for the afternoon and didn’t even care to let me know, feels like he was always taking me for granted cause he knows I do care for him a lot.so he kinda play with my feelings and is always threatening to leave me- when we argue, he would say things like, if I a not happy then I should look for someone else? It did hurt me slot when he says this, it’s made me wonder if he values me as his girlfriend?

    I feel a bit sad cause I dunno if I brought all this thing upon me, maybe I should have been more patient and a better girlfriend? Those are thoughts that keep going round and round in my head.

    One more thing is, whenever we break up, he would never ever call or text me, I am the one who has to always apologise and take the blame to kool things down, then he will turn round and says how much he’s missed me, yet we live barely 10 minutes from each other. I dunno if it’s his way of punishing me for the arguments, last time I call him after he left, he says he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and that he is much happier in his life without me…this has made me feel even worse at the time cause I blame myself and fear no one will ever love me again and that I am bad person..we are both in our 40s. Truly I don’t think I’m a bad person, I just feel some people can bring out the worst in us.? Sometimes I want to write him a letter expressing how I have felt and the fears that I had regarding some things he does..abut then again,if he truly wanted to make things work he would not have said he didn’t want to talk to me after the bitterness has settled. Any honest advice please.
    Thanking you all for reading.

    August 10, 2014 at 9:43 am #62975
    Chris
    Participant

    This is very much like my situation, Only I take the role mostly of your BF. My wife is very open about finances and her felling while I have always been secretive. We ended up combining them but I still have my own bank account for extras that I do not discuss. I feel every guy needs his own money, that he earns to do with as he wishes without having to asnwer for it (within the moral obligations of a relationship, of course). I started becoming very sensitve because I felt every action I took would be open to criticism. Women need to make there man feel respected and valued despite their flaws (we all have many) and men need to make women feel loved. I believe this was the attempt with the cooking, massages, etc. At the same time him leaving and sending mixed messages really negated the positive attempts.

    It’s so difficult for men and women to understand the opposite sexes approach to arguments. I am seperated now but used to always leave during an argument because I felt outgunned and unheard. When you argue who shouts the most? Are the different opinions both being heard and recognized or is the argument just going the same direction until one person folds? I would always leave for a few hours to cool my head and think about it. I think as long as the agreement is if he does leave then there is a commitment to revisit it with clear heads. We didn’t do that and that’s a big reason I am where I am because I would just leave and go to the bar and come back when I wanted. We would then push it under the rug and the issue would go unresolved.

    He cannot choose friends or family over you, there has to be a healthy balance where he visits them but not if you had plans. Also, if he was comitted, he needs to form a true partnership with you and share the important details of life with you.

    There really is no blame here though, you are both human and we all make mistakes in relationships. In this relationship the mistakes seemed equal on both sides. I must say that I noticed at least twice that you said “he brings the worst out of you” I think that says it all right there. If you can bring the best out of each other, then everything else will fall into place over time.

    August 10, 2014 at 10:13 am #62977
    popi
    Participant

    hello.i’m new member here.(sorry for my english,if there are mistakes)
    i think that your ex truly brings the worst out of you.I don’t think you are a bad person but this guy doesn’t deserve you.
    You have to find another person to live with cause this human being gets on your nerves.
    When somebody don’t understand us, and makes us angry, anxious, sad, we must get rid of him. This is the ‘difficult’ part because we have feelings we can’t hide from ourselves but we must go on.
    everyone is unique and we deserve a happy life without regret,sadness.

    Some things that your ex did are not so brave. He wants to hide some thoughts and things which destroys every relationship.
    we have to be authentic and open-hearted with a person we love…he doesn’t do it.
    so, we can’t trust a person that hides sth from us.If there is not trust,any relationship can grow.

    To truly find yourself you must gain the life you desire by letting go of his beliefs.
    interracting with people that makes us feel bad,unfortunately we take bad reactions from them. we influenced by them and then we running fast to find ourselves. It’s a long go.

    August 10, 2014 at 10:51 am #62980
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hello Chris

    Thanks for your reply to my post, just I wanted to add is, my BF has been secretive throughout this 5 yr relationship, I have tried so much to explain my feelings to him to no avail, we both have our own banks account,he is employed while I run my own business, i share every aspects of my day to day performance of my work with him as I’m a very outgoing and trusting person. I want him to know what is happening in my life, yet with him it’s like he keeps all his bank statements, payslips in his locker at work, his work colleague knows more about his business then I do..I find this very strange as he never ever discusses his earnings with me. He will discuss his plans and visions with his mum or sister but not to me, when I tell him how I feel and that I’m feeling left out about things in his life, he gets defensive and makes it like I’m being controlling,it’s come to a point that his family interferes so much in our relationship as every time we argue he will go stay at his mums or sister.
    he has a big family and everyone has to know we had a fight. Sometimes he would leave me for months and not even call or text to see if I’m ok. Last year he left for 5 months. I’m really sad cause I don’t have families were I am, I moved country to be with him and left all my family and friends abroad.
    I don’t really know if he truly cared about me or what? I’m really confused and keep blaming myself for the arguments.i do miss my bf but I hate the fact that he is not showing a genuine understanding for my feelings and also to work on issues that creates arguments. He will give me the silent treatment as some form of punishment? It makes the situation worse, I can’t stand being ignored.
    Worst is my bf would tell his family that I am problematic, and I create lots of drama. It’s like he plays the victim. It’s sad cause I accept when I’m wrong and apologise so many times to him. His got this mentality that I have to always run after him, call or text him to say sorry. My bf has never ever make the first move after we argue.
    Surely all people argue in relationships, but to leave for months like this I guess it’s not normal? I don’t know if it’s his ego or if he’s with someone else during those times, 5 months is a long time. Yet when we get back together he would say how. Much he has missed me and he will treat me like a queen, he will take me on weekend breaks, buys me gifts, yet when we get back to normal he doesn’t make the effort. He also refuse to discuss the topics that created the break up. And after few weeks, the same issues emerge all over again..
    It’s really hard for me cause I really care about my bf, sometimes I want to call him,but 3 weeks ago I call him he didn’t pick up my call or even sent a reply to my text message. I felt rejected.

    Kadija

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Bernadette.
    August 10, 2014 at 11:04 am #62983
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hello Popi
    So true that when we hang out with people that makes us feel,bad,about ourselves destroys us slowly, I changed a lot since I met my bf, I was calm and happy, I have become bitter and sad and feel very negative. I don’t find much joy cause of the constant worry in my head.
    I guess if he truly cared about this relationship he would make more effort to improve on things. I feel like I’m the only one keeping this relationship together. I dunno why he never discusses our future with me, our plans, goals. All this is very frustrating to me, yet he will say to his friends that he knows I love him very much and that I am a loyal person. I guess that is why he treats me this way.
    Kadija

    August 10, 2014 at 11:23 am #62985
    popi
    Participant

    He doesn’t feel you,he doesn’t understand you. He keeps secrets, you get angry, you are apologising every time and he is cool.
    this is NOT okay.it’s not fair. it’s not love, it’s compromise. Love is when two people understand each other and forgive mutually.
    I feel you cause i was feeling all these in my past and only relationship.He broke up with me and every time I was the victim in the arguement, i had to apologise even if it wasn’t my fault. I was the person who always complaining about everything and I worried about everything, the relationship ,the arguements,the distance between us (500 km).
    As i said before, a person who can’t see through our eyes, it doesn’t matches us.
    Don’t love a person who cannot feel how you feel. (and doesn’t want to hear,and it’s always your fault.No! )

    August 10, 2014 at 11:40 am #62987
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Popi
    Thank so much, it does make sense reading your reply. It’s draining loving someone when you have to make all the efforts. So true that love is when two people understand each other and want to make efforts for the relationship to work, with him it’s different. I have to do all the work to keep,the relationship going. Yet he will always tell,me how much he loves me and how lucky that I am in his life…surely if it was true ,he would,not,have left me and it’s 2 months now. It’s crazy.
    I have to move on, I’m tired of repeating the same problem with no solution. I don’t think he will ever change. Maybe I’m not the person who will make him change. He was married and his ex wife once when I met her in town we were talking she told me he was the same with her, he never took her feelings into consideration, after 10 yrs she had enough and divorced him…. Now she’s remarry with someone who understand her better.

    Sorry that you have had to go thru what I’m going thru right now. I just wish things were less complicated.
    Kadija

    August 10, 2014 at 12:01 pm #62988
    Matt
    Participant

    Kadija,

    The simple answer (which you’ve been asking yourself and others for months) is no. You didnt break this relationship. He didn’t give you his roots, he never moved out of mommies house, still a little baby boy. Let him go, you’re better than him, and he knows it, and blames you for bringing him down because he can’t take responsibility for his own bullshit. Move on! Move your mind away from him as boyfriend. He’s your ex.

    These “texts” and mysteries he throws at you are just hooks… keeping you looking at him instead of improving your own life, like a leech might try to stick onto us to suck out blood. Don’t let him! Get him out of there! What makes you happy? Do that instead, think about those things instead. Shake that bastard off!

    All this is assuming he hasn’t grown up much in the last few months since you wrote a little more in depth about the circumstances. Wasn’t he your ex back then, too? How many times do you have to get sucked dry before you punt his ass away from you? Because he cooks and massages you? But you feel like crud most of the time, and he doesn’t show up as a man? Why don’t you think you deserve better than that? You do!

    Your heart seems to be screaming, yelling that you deserve better. That’s not because your heart is unreasonable, demanding, selfish… its right. Its yelling because you’re not listening, still trusting his “you’re the problem” instead. But that’s his song, his little boy being a turd… but why do you believe him? Why do you trust him more than your own knowing? You see him not showing up, but when you say something he says “I know you are, but what am I?” like a five year old, and you buy it. Silly. Sick of being stuck yet? If so, grow!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 10, 2014 at 12:02 pm #62989
    popi
    Participant

    Bernadette.you have a beautiful name. Don’t worry so much.
    I have passed this journey one year ago,i was in your position, i’m not okay since then but i have made big efforts to feel better.
    You must care about yourself cause (unfortunately) nobody can do it for you. I think that all you need it’s self confindence and self-love. If you can reach these goals, nobody can make you feel sad. even if the worst break-up you can imagine.

    i read somewhere that pain is only in the initial moment but suffer is optional…so….we must go on.
    we must motivate ourselves to do things even if we don’t want to.

    and i want to add sth in the subject of the relationship of mine.
    he left me with a text message.not a call,not in a face to face talk.These people are cowards.
    and when they use the phrase ”i didn’t want to make you sad and see you cry ” oh,okay, then you understand that weakness.
    all this lies we don’t need.If we can keep ourselves far from these people,we will be probably okay.

    August 10, 2014 at 12:53 pm #62993
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Matt/ Popi

    Thanks so much for the replies, there is a brand new life waiting for me out there, I have to move on, I can’t keep repeating the same mess over and over again..I keep swimming in the same mud year in year out. My problem is I keep blaming myself for being a bad girlfriend and feeling guilty for all the problems..I dunno I have this fear in me, I need to overcome as to why I find myself back in the same mess. I guess I have to work on my self esteem, I feel lost and don’t feel I deserve better. I have lost the person I was before I met my ex. I need to work on bringing myself back to who I was. The happy and shining person I was.
    Kadija

    August 10, 2014 at 1:17 pm #62994
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Though I think you answered your own question about why you keep finding yourself back in the same mess, I would still like to point out couple of things.

    1) Indeed if you believe that you don’t deserve anything better and think you are a bad girlfriend, then you will automatically seek a relationship where those beliefs are validated.

    2) People constantly go back to those who have hurt them. There is a logic to it. If someone has hurt you by saying that you are a bad girlfriend, and you believe it, then you’ll end up going back to that person to seek approval. You’ll hope that the person who brought the pain can also take it away and then everything will be OK again. It is a known manipulation technique to take away the approval from someone so that they will become dependent on your opinion on them.

    Those are usual biases and it’s hard to see it when you’re in it. No shame in that, and we’ve probably all fallen for those things in one form or another.

    August 10, 2014 at 1:27 pm #62995
    Chris
    Participant

    Hi Bernadette,

    I couldn’t agree more with Matt/ Popi. As you described, if it started out in secrecy and leaving for months on end then it seems he was just in this for himself. He wanted this relationship tended to minimally when he was ready to come back but not while he was in it. He knew you would bring him back and he knew how to come back so leaving to go have fun seemed incosequential to him. You remained be very focused on turning this into a partnership and he wanted it to remain shallow and serving his wants. From my perspective, you should feel proud of yourself for the efforts you made. Trying to make a relationship real is not sabotage, you were fighting the good fight. I think his last text of “you sabotaged this relationship” should not make you feel guilty, this just shows he hasn’t taken any time to realize his failures.

    You’re saying you lost who you were before you met your ex, I know that feeling. That’s what happens when you give of yourself and don’t recieve. Just take comfort in the fact that while you may want to rebuild certain sttributes, you are working on yourself now while your ex is left with his toxicity and a lack of self-awareness. You are free of it and are already stronger. Get out of the mud, tell yourself that you did everything you possibly could and get the fulfillment you earned. You deserve better!

    August 10, 2014 at 1:49 pm #62996
    Matt
    Participant

    Kadija,

    Yes, that’s great! Consider: if he wasn’t stuck in your brain, if you weren’t pouring your affection and attention in a toilet, wouldn’t you already be that shining woman you’re hoping to become?

    Meaning, you don’t have to try to be something that you already are. Perhaps just overcome the fear that you aren’t, so you stop looking to others to see if you are. 🙂 There really is no mystery… you’re awesome, beautiful, as is, always have been… perhaps just a little too scared to accept it? Flap those wings, sister, the sky is waiting!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 10, 2014 at 2:06 pm #62999
    Bernadette
    Participant

    The Ruminant

    My ex had a way of making me feel guilty, I guess most of us has been thru some of this game, it was about time I woke up and see this sort of relationship for what it is, out of 5 yrs I’ve known him, we must have probably spent just 2 yrs together, the rest was him leaving and staying at his mums or I,don’t know where.
    He has drained me completely, he knows that he has lots of support and a big family, whereas I do not,have anyone for support as I moved country to be with him. Luckily I manage to set up a great business on my own working in a natural environment, he was not very supportive of what I’m doing even though I bring more at home for us to live a comfortable life. He was never appreciative. Would never compliment me on any of my achievements.
    I guess I have learnt my lessons, by the grace I’m still able to pick up myself and sort out my life, I know I will emerge a stronger person cause I have learnt a lot in these 5 yrs, I’ve known loneliness, sadness, pain, guilt, feeling ashame, blame, u name it I have been there. At times I forgot how it feels to have feelings, I felt numb, it’s hard to explain, It will take time for me to heal and to trust again. One thing I’m sure, I will find the person I use to be 5 yrs ago.

    August 10, 2014 at 2:18 pm #63000
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Thanks all for the support, this site is amazing, the members are so so supportive. You guys have shaken me up from my sleep, I can see clearly that I deserve better, I have so much to be grateful for, I’m alive, I’m a beautiful person, I a healthy, I am blessed, I have great people for support, I started a great business from scratch, I live in a beautiful exotic part of the world, the list is endless…. I may not have my families on the same turf, but still I have a lot to be thankful for.. Thank you guys for shaking some sense into me. No I did not sabotage no relationship…I was fooling myself and I thought I was in a relationship.
    Matt you are so right. So so right and honest, defenitely shook some sense into me… Seriously

    Hugs to you all

    Kadija

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Bernadette.
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