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Chau
ParticipantHi Anita
this is an aha moment for me when i read your reply. Fist thank you for taking time to review so many of our past messages, to find a pattern that I didnt realize or put a name to it. Once u said it, it all made sense that I probably did something to wear out the relationship, may be over react when she goes out, may be other so called insecurit. Situations with her previous partners excaerated things for the first year of our relationship indeed. but once i get to know her better I feel more secure and the situations fades, that was when we had those few years of happy relationship, we moved in together etc
I never initiated a break during those time. But i think what I have been doing and thinking and feeling, eg blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or may be overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wear out the relationship
this time, when i first knew she didnt have much feeling for me, my initial reaction was shock and upset, subsequently i said it might be good to have some space between us to see if she has feelings or are they only clouded by daily chores, she thought it was a bit too extreme and we didnt do it. after a month of trying, i got insecure becoz she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time
we found continual interacting not helping, when i raised the problem again, she said may be we could try taking a break
I let myself cry this morning, knowing that I have a part in it(everything that happens in a relationship has i though) and own that part feels heavy and difficult, i guess that is what the tears are about
thanks again for digging them out. for paying so much effort in this
Clara
Chau
ParticipantHello Helcat,
Let me get back to your questions.
We kind of went through a lot of discussions before we reached to this temporary break. We agreed to review this a month later.
I think somehow, i proposed this initially but we decided it it too much, we tried for around a month but eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break. I asked about the time frame, and whether we completely not contacted, and she said a month and may be not contacting is best, as we had some expectation mismatch(i expected her this, and she expected me that) while we were trying
i don’t think culturally it is that bad, I live in Hong Kong, so it is not THAT bad in here being gay. Just that being a chinese, there are still taboo etc which makes it harder for gay couples.
I keep telling me that she will honour our agreement, while deep down I have a lot of insecurity bubbling.
I can expect this will be a difficult month
Best wishes
Chau
Chau
Participanthi Helcat
thanks for replying but I think I didnt present it too well. We have been in a serious relationship for 5.5 years, we live together and shared some very percious moments together, about a month or two ago i raised the million dollar question” do you still like me” to which she responded with silent, that is the beginning of this almost two months long discussion of where we should go, how and if we should salvage our relationship etc
we decided to take a one month break and review it afterwards, we agreed to not contacting during this month also
on my way to dinner, just want to clarify this first. will get back to you on the rest of your questions later, thanks so much for your care and kind words!
Clara
Chau
ParticipantHi Anita,
No rush. I saw you posted a message in my last thread and sorry for missing that out!
Yes i was having some problem back in 2016 as well. It’s great to read what I did and how I have grown since then. I was re-reading my posts about my current partner, it does seem things go back in circle and looks like something didn’t really change.
Anyways, thanks for your good advice as always.
Have a good restful night
Chau
ParticipantHello Anita
The last post i had was October 18, 2018 at 5:43 am#231665 . See if that helps?
yes, i checked and it was almost 6 years ago, this is the person whom i eventually date, for 5.5 years now
There are some psychotherapist around, just that I am unsure which one to go to, but i will bear emotion regulation skills in mind when I look for one
Chau
Chau
ParticipantDear Roberta
I do find myself feeding those negatives. I think my lesson for this month is to deal with my insecurity, which has been affecting me for a while. I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also.
I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get.
Thanks for the books recommended, will look into it
Chau
Chau
ParticipantHello Helcat,
Thanks for replying. It’s complicated and I am in constant battle between asking myself to stay positive and letting myself grief and cry. Now I think on top of those disappointment and feeling of rejection, I am also trying to grief about the lost of the relationship that I am used to, the one that I wished for in this particular relationship. I think i might to adjust to a new mode of relationship, if we were to get back together.
Thanks for your wishes and love, I can feel this all around in tiny buddha community 🙂
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