I don’t have her email. I sent the apology via Facebook, because I couldn’t see her in person.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to send her anything for the time being, since she hasn’t responded.

I want to be totally and completely open with her. I would love to see her, in person, and talk.

I don’t think there’s anything more I can do.

It all boils down to my insecurities before. Feelings of vulnerability and not wanting to believe that she liked me that much. I have worked on all this, and I’m in a much better place.

This is also before I even met her too, I wasn’t sure of myself. I’m always improving. I’m doing my best to stop being so self conscious.

I also believe the way I was brought up has had an effect in some way. I was never able to open up to my parents when I was younger. Whenever I did, I was pretty much laughed at and told I was just being ridiculous. So instead of trying to tell people how I felt, I would just close up.

I never once heard my parents tell me “I love you” or even “I’m proud of you”.

So that’s it then, there’s no chance?

Thanks Anita,

In terms of her bahaviour, she was only truly affectionate with me in private, when we weren’t with our mutual friends. I mean, from time to time, she would show a bit of affection with them around, but it was withheld.

It was also when I told her I loved her, after we had been to her prom together. She didn’t say it back. Only when I got back to the hostel I was staying at she thanked me a wonderful night and sent me a link to a song called “I love you” by WoodKid. I didn’t think much of it.

I didn’t meet her family, but she met mine  I met her friends, and they all seemed to know me. I can remember arriving at her prom and being swamped by people saying “So you’re (my name)?” And a friend of hers even told me “You have no idea how much she talks about you”

I suppose the first few weeks after I ghosted her, I was angry and heartbroken. At the time I thought it was the best for me, but I was really struggling.

I got into a relationship with a girl who looked very much like her. I’m not proud of it, but that was my state of mind. It was a sort of rebound I suppose.

As the months went on, I realised that I longed for her. I really missed her. I would constantly question whether I made the right choice. I was too ashamed to get in touch with her, so I continued with my life.

For the rest of these years, I’ve only had positive thoughts about her. Every day. Sexual, sure, but I was still deeply in love with her, and that flame I have for her has not left.

It’s really difficult to know exactly when because I had been in denial about my feelings for quite some time. 

I was speaking to a close friend of mine, who happens to be a mutual friend too. He told me that she was coming over for a week. 

I couldn’t stand it. Not just the fact she was going to be around – that was already hard enough because I wanted to see her, but didn’t want to either – but that even hearing her name made me feel physically and emotionally ill. 

I casually asked if she had been talking about me or something, and he told me that she didn’t want to come get a drink at the bar I run because “(my name) is mad at me and I don’t know why”. 

We talked about her a bit more and he suddenly asks “You still love her don’t you?”  

And it’s at this point that I knew I still had feelings for her, and realised how much of an absolute bellend I had been. 

So 3 years. It took me 3 years to stop convincing myself that I didn’t have any feelings for, and that I had been a utter twat to her. 

I didn’t cut contact with her because I didn’t care about her, nor because I had lost attraction. I cut contact because I didn’t think she liked me back.

Why would I be lying to her?!

What makes you think I would be so callous to lie to her?!