September 4, 2019 at 2:18 am #310225
In terms of her bahaviour, she was only truly affectionate with me in private, when we weren’t with our mutual friends. I mean, from time to time, she would show a bit of affection with them around, but it was withheld.
It was also when I told her I loved her, after we had been to her prom together. She didn’t say it back. Only when I got back to the hostel I was staying at she thanked me a wonderful night and sent me a link to a song called “I love you” by WoodKid. I didn’t think much of it.
I didn’t meet her family, but she met mine I met her friends, and they all seemed to know me. I can remember arriving at her prom and being swamped by people saying “So you’re (my name)?” And a friend of hers even told me “You have no idea how much she talks about you”
I suppose the first few weeks after I ghosted her, I was angry and heartbroken. At the time I thought it was the best for me, but I was really struggling.
I got into a relationship with a girl who looked very much like her. I’m not proud of it, but that was my state of mind. It was a sort of rebound I suppose.
As the months went on, I realised that I longed for her. I really missed her. I would constantly question whether I made the right choice. I was too ashamed to get in touch with her, so I continued with my life.
For the rest of these years, I’ve only had positive thoughts about her. Every day. Sexual, sure, but I was still deeply in love with her, and that flame I have for her has not left.September 4, 2019 at 8:15 am #310249
This is what you wrote about your part in this relationship: “I always doubted (her) feelings, and at the time, I thought it was the best way for me… I’ve always been suspicious and skeptical. As soon as something, in my own mind, seemed off, I’ve always closed off from it, and that’s what happened with her.. something made me believe she didn’t like me back, so I cut it off. I felt far too vulnerable… the first weeks after I ghosted her, I was angry and heartbroken. At the time I thought it was the best for me, but I was struggling.. As the months went on, I realized that I longed for her. I really missed her… I was too ashamed to get in touch with her.. For the rest of these years, I’ve only had positive thoughts about her.. I was still deeply in love with her, and that frame I have for her has not left”.
This is what you wrote about her part (and some of yours) in the relationship: “she was only truly affectionate with me in private, when we weren’t with our mutual friends.. from time to time, she would show a bit of affection with them around, but it was withheld.. I told her I loved her.. She didn’t say it back. Only when I got back to the hostel I was staying at she thanked me a wonderful night and sent me a link to a song called ‘I love you’.. I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t meet her family, but she met mine. I met her friends, and they all seemed to know me…people saying ‘So you’re (my name)?’.. ‘You have no idea how much she talks about you'”.
My understanding this morning:
This song she sent you, “I love you”- it probably meant so much to her. She probably thought about you when she heard it, heard it many times, and when she did, I am guessing she felt very strong loving feelings for you.
When you told her that you loved her, that prom night, she didn’t say it back because she felt uncomfortable saying those words, too vulnerable, scared. So she sent you that song to say it to you instead, believing that when you hear it, you will know that she loves you too.
People often make this mistake: because they feel so much when they hear a particular song, they think another person will feel their feelings when hearing the same song. (But most often this is not the case: people feel strongly about different songs, not the same one).
Why did she feel uncomfortable telling you that she loves you? Here is an example of how that can happen: the little girl that she was ran fast toward her father (or mother) with open arms, a big smile on her face, expecting that he will take her into his arms and pick her up, like he did before. It didn’t occur to her at all that he will not take her into his arms. And this is why it hurt so much when he didn’t (she didn’t even consider it a possibility, she was sure…). When he said to her, maybe, something like: why are you running, stupid girl! Get away from me, I am busy!-
-her little heart broke. Fast forward, you tell her that you love her, she is afraid to tell you that she loves you, afraid you will do what her father did: tell her that she is stupid and tell her to get away from you.
So she sends you the song- that way she is not there to hear you say to her that she is stupid and she will not be there, present, when tell her to get away from you.
She never introduced you to her parents- maybe they criticized lots of her choices and she didn’t want them to give her more of a hard time. She didn’t show you much physical affection when mutual friends were present- not because she didn’t feel love for you, but because she didn’t feel comfortable. The example I gave you can explain her discomfort.
She and you had and have a lot in common: the two of you feel a combination of strong love and fear. Both of you grew up in homes where you were less than loved. Both of you are afraid to get hurt by the one you love- she is afraid that you will hurt her and you are afraid that she will hurt you.
The reason you thought it was best for you to ghost her is that you felt “always.. suspicious and skeptical.. too vulnerable”, too scared, too uncomfortable (fear feels very uncomfortable), so you thought it was best for you to.. no longer be scared: you made sure the danger was gone (the danger being she leaving you) when you left her, ghosting her.
Problem is you left her but you didn’t stop loving her and she got very hurt by you leaving her. After you apologized to her more recently, “she also told me this, ‘I like the idea of us trying something together, but I’m afraid of the result”.
As you proceed, if you will proceed with her toward a relationship, different and better than the one you had the first five years, the two of you will have to confront and manage that fear you both feel. That fear doesn’t have to divide you, it can unite you instead.
Let me know of your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote here, will you?
anitaSeptember 4, 2019 at 12:24 pm #310285
Hi Clueless Carrot,
It’s been five years since you saw this girl and it sounds as if there were problems in the relationship that perhaps you were unaware of. Just contacting her brought all her pain back and no relationship has been the same since. She hasn’t dealt with the effect you had on her and perhaps has difficulty trusting new people in the same way. There is no going back to the way things were. You might have thought about her constantly and wished you could have turned the clock back but what is done, is done. Being realistic, the road forward will be very tricky if you two ever get together again. It takes a long time for trust to rebuild. Are you ready to commit to this and are you both prepared for the possibility of rejection again?
PeggySeptember 10, 2019 at 4:09 am #311213
She still hasn’t responded to the apology I sent to her… I think it’s pretty much done for.
I don’t think I will ever get past the regret for what I did and what I put her through.September 10, 2019 at 8:53 am #311275
Learn from your experience with her, practice what you learn and you will move past this regret.
anitaSeptember 10, 2019 at 9:09 am #311277
So that’s it then, there’s no chance?September 10, 2019 at 9:49 am #311287
Maybe there is a chance. But if there is, you are not yet ready to take advantage of this chance. I will explain: the friend who suddenly asked you “You still love her don’t you?”- and you realized that you do, you are still to figure out what it means, that you love her.
For five years you had a sort of a fling with her, for five years you were Clueless (in your username) about the nature of the relationship, about her feelings for you and your feelings for her. You feel something now but got to get more of a clue about what it is. And then, you will be able to communicate to her what it is, that love that you feel.
When you contacted her for the first time in five years, she suggested that she is somewhat inclined to consider a relationship with you but that she is afraid of the results. This means, as I understand it, that she is afraid to be hurt yet again. This means that your love for her during the five years that you were in contact with her was unsatisfactory for her and quite hurtful.
I don’t think she wants to experience that same kind of “love” from you. She wants true love I imagine. Now, you can tell me if you want: what is the difference between the “love” you had for her in those five years in contact (and which carried through another five years of no contact) and the love you have for her now?
anitaSeptember 10, 2019 at 10:04 am #311303
A love that isn’t clouded by self-doubt, that yearns for her, that wants to open up and let her in. A love of compassion and devotion, trust and communication. A love that doesn’t want to make the same mistakes as before, that doesn’t want to take her or her feelings for granted. A love absolute.September 10, 2019 at 10:58 am #311343
It sounds very good, but in every sentence you wrote there is so much work to do, work for you to do and work for the two of you to do together, if you were to get into a relationship again.
That “self doubt” you mentioned above, that is what kept you distant from her during the five years, you feeling that she didn’t like you or love you- it is that feeling that kept you away from that “love absolute” while in the first five years, and it kept you away from her in all ways for another five years.
Do you know the origin of this self doubt, when it started in your life (before you met her)?
anitaSeptember 11, 2019 at 3:07 am #311511
It all boils down to my insecurities before. Feelings of vulnerability and not wanting to believe that she liked me that much. I have worked on all this, and I’m in a much better place.
This is also before I even met her too, I wasn’t sure of myself. I’m always improving. I’m doing my best to stop being so self conscious.
I also believe the way I was brought up has had an effect in some way. I was never able to open up to my parents when I was younger. Whenever I did, I was pretty much laughed at and told I was just being ridiculous. So instead of trying to tell people how I felt, I would just close up.
I never once heard my parents tell me “I love you” or even “I’m proud of you”.September 11, 2019 at 8:26 am #311591
“I was never able to open up to my parents when I was younger. Whenever I did, I was pretty much laughed at and told I was just being ridiculous. So instead of trying to tell people how I felt, I would just close up. I never once heard my parents tell me ‘I love you’ or even ‘I’m proud of you'”-
I am so impressed and honored that you opened up to me, here on your thread by sharing the above. If I may say so, I am proud of you for opening up as you did. I promise you that I will not betray your trust in opening up as you did (and if you will anytime in the future). I will not laugh at you or tell you or communicate to you in any way that you are being ridiculous.
Problem is that when a child grows up with this kind of mistreatment by parents, the child is afraid to open up.. fast forward, as an adult, the now adult, if and when he/ she opens up, he is alert: am I being laughed at? So let’s say you open up to a person and she smiles because she feels empathy for you, but you are likely to think: oh, she is laughing at me!
Therefore, if I write something to you now or in the future that reads to you like you are being laughed at or told that you are ridiculous, ask me what I meant by what I wrote, and I will explain to you what I meant. Remember my promise to you.
How much did you open to this woman in the first five years and since you reconnected most recently?
anitaSeptember 11, 2019 at 10:04 am #311651
During the years I knew her, I didn’t open up to her that much at all… not about how I felt towards her. I didn’t even tell her I loved her.
I really opened up with what I wrote in my apology to her.September 11, 2019 at 10:17 am #311655
Do you think it is a good idea to open up to her more, sharing more with her in an email maybe?
If you think it is a good idea- scary a bit- but a good idea you can post a draft of such an email and I will tell you what I think of it.
anitaSeptember 11, 2019 at 10:42 am #311661
I don’t have her email. I sent the apology via Facebook, because I couldn’t see her in person.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to send her anything for the time being, since she hasn’t responded.
I want to be totally and completely open with her. I would love to see her, in person, and talk.
I don’t think there’s anything more I can do.September 11, 2019 at 10:53 am #311667
You don’t think it is a good idea to initiate any contact with her unless she responds to you first. Meaning, your plan is to wait for her- or is your plan to move on, meaning attempt a relationship with someone new (but this time make an informed choice as to the woman and share honestly with her)?