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Sent apology to the girl I cut contact five years ago. I need some advice please

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #309873

    CluelessCarrot
    Participant

    A few weeks back, I got back in touch, for the first time in five years, the girl I cut contact without any explanation whatsoever. We were never officially together. Instead, we had a sort of fling that lasted five years.

    So I got in touch without thinking she would respond at all, or at the very least, she would tell me to get lost kindly.

    She responded, and she had a lot of things to say:

    She told me that all the hurt and pain had come back when I got in touch.

    That what I put her through badly affected her and still does.

    That she’s had issues with her relationships and that she’s never quite felt the same again.

    That she thought I hated her.

    However, she also told me this, “I like the idea of us trying something together, but I’m afraid of the result.”

    A week ago, I sent her the apology:

    (Her name), I’m really sorry to have cut you off in such a way, without explanation, and not being fair and honest to you. I behaved like a coward and an egoist. My behavior towards you was appalling and insensitive. I always doubted your feelings, and at the time, I thought it was the best way for me.

    I am sorry for all the pain and the hurt that I inflicted on you during all these years of questions and distress. During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart. I do not know what you think and feel. (Her name) whatever happens, know that I only wish you happiness in your life.

    I was a real sack of garbage to her. I was selfish and didn’t once think about how cutting her off so abruptly would affect her.

    #309885

    anita
    Participant

    Dear CluelessCarrot:

    In your apology to her you wrote: “During all these years I thought only of you, the morning when I woke up, throughout the day, the evening you are in my thoughts, in my heart”-

    – Following five years of “a sort of a fling”, you cut contact with her/ ghosted her for five years (?) and during those five years you thought about her, only her, morning, evening and throughout each and every day?

    anita

    #309887

    CluelessCarrot
    Participant

    Simply put: Yes, her, and only her.

     

    I’ve been in other relationships, that, retrospectively, I should never have gotten into, because I’ve only thought and wanted to be with her.

     

     

    #309893

    anita
    Participant

    Dear CluelessCarrot:

    Why do you feel the need to lie to this woman?

    anita

    #309895

    CluelessCarrot
    Participant

    Why would I be lying to her?!

    What makes you think I would be so callous to lie to her?!

    #309899

    anita
    Participant

    Dear CluelessCarrot:

    Because your statement to her in the context of what you shared is unbelievable.

    anita

    #309903

    CluelessCarrot
    Participant

    Anita,

    What do you mean by “in the context of what you shared”

    What I told her is absolutely and wholeheartedly true. I have thought about her every waking hour.

    Don’t believe me? Well, don’t bother helping me…

     

     

     

     

    #309911

    Mark
    Participant

    CluelessCarrot,

    I’m not sure what you are asking of this group here.  You reached out to this woman who you had a “fling” with.  She responded how much you hurt her and how you ruined all subsequent relationships.  She wants to try again but is afraid of getting hurt again.  You sent an apology.

    You did not say you wanted to try again as well in your apology.  Is that true?

    What has changed within you since that relationship?  How have you matured?   What relationship skills have you acquired/developed since then?

    There are no guarantees in any relationship.  I believe she needs to do her own work in order to heal.  It takes more than you being nicer to do that.

    Mark

    #309913

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Clueless Carrot

    If you’ve thought about her every day, may I ask what took you so long to get back in touch with her?

    Also, what other questions do you have or what in particular would you like advice on?

    #309927

    Stacey
    Participant

    Hi Clueless Carrot,

    I think your apology was sincere.

    I’ve had experiences where people have abandoned and ignored me and never thought twice about it. No one has ever reached out and apologized.

    I think what you did was brave and shows that you’ve grown a lot. It takes humility and introspection to apologize to someone after five years. To me, it shows you have a conscience and a heart.

    I believe you when you say that you’ve thought about her for the past 5 years. That is why you’re reaching out.

    It seems that she still has feelings for you after all this time based on what she wrote. I really don’t know what to say about this except tread lightly and be very conscious of her feelings. I think you are now. Best of luck.

    #310007

    CluelessCarrot
    Participant

     

    It’s really difficult to know exactly when because I had been in denial about my feelings for quite some time.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I was speaking to a close friend of mine, who happens to be a mutual friend too. He told me that she was coming over for a week.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I couldn’t stand it. Not just the fact she was going to be around – that was already hard enough because I wanted to see her, but didn’t want to either – but that even hearing her name made me feel physically and emotionally ill.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I casually asked if she had been talking about me or something, and he told me that she didn’t want to come get a drink at the bar I run because “(my name) is mad at me and I don’t know why”.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    We talked about her a bit more and he suddenly asks “You still love her don’t you?” <span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    And it’s at this point that I knew I still had feelings for her, and realised how much of an absolute bellend I had been.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    So 3 years. It took me 3 years to stop convincing myself that I didn’t have any feelings for, and that I had been a utter twat to her.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I didn’t cut contact with her because I didn’t care about her, nor because I had lost attraction. I cut contact because I didn’t think she liked me back.

    #310025

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Clueless Carrot,

    I think, in that case, it probably wasn’t a good idea to tell her you’ve thought about her every day, morning and night, because it does come off as a little unbelievable. If I were her, I would be thinking, “why did you not contact me right away then??”  I think, if you do end up clarifying things more with her, I would tell her what you told us here. That your friend brought her up and noticed your reaction to talking about her, asked if you still had strong feelings for her, and that’s when it hit you that you still really cared for her. Then, from that point on, you started thinking about her every day until you finally worked up the nerve to talk to her.  That’s basically what happened, right?  Saying it that way makes it sound more sincere just because she would be thinking “why leave like that in the first place???” if you’d been thinking that from the beginning. 3 years of trying to convince yourself you didn’t have feelings for her and then realizing you actually do makes sense though.  If you do want to work things out with her and if she’s also willing to forgive you, explain it that way and then give her some time. Answer any questions she has as honestly as you can (without being too grandeur about it, because grandeur like “I thought about you every minute of every day” isn’t really believable. It doesn’t sound sincere and sounds like something someone just says because they think that’s what will make the person want them back), and understand and respect that it is going to take some time to rebuild her trust that you won’t ghost her again. Be willing to do that work if she’s worth it to you.

    Above all, definitely learn the lesson from this…. if you aren’t sure how someone feels about you, instead of running away for fear of rejection or whatever else you may have been feeling at that time, just ask. You could’ve saved both of you a lot of inner turmoil.

    #310149

    anita
    Participant

    Dear CluelessCarrot:

    I appreciate Valora’s excellent insight and advice for you.

    I re-read your posts on this thread (and I remember a very similar thread you had before, same topic, same story, under a different account). This is what I believe happened in regard to this woman:

    She was correct when she told you that you hated her (“She told me.. That she thought I hated her”), and your friend was correct when he told you “that she didn’t want to come get a drink  at the bar I run because ‘(my name)  is mad at me and I don’t know why'”.

    The reason you ghosted her five years ago is because you were angry with her.

    The reason you were angry with her is that you thought that she didn’t like you (“I cut contact  because I didn’t think she liked me back”).

    I am guessing that throughout a big part of the five year relationship you had with her before you ghosted her, you were angry at her on and off. You felt emotionally attached to her on one hand, and on the other hand you felt that she didn’t like you, that she thought negative thoughts about you, that she was rejecting you.. so you  got angry.

    You wrote to her: “I always doubted your feelings”- it is difficult for you to believe that someone can truly love you. You are suspicious. I suppose as a child you had a good reason to be suspicious of the grown up  in your life loving you.

    If you want, do share about your childhood experience. It may help you if you do, and I will be glad to read from you and respond.

    anita

     

    #310207

    CluelessCarrot
    Participant

    I wasn’t “angry” with her, Anita. I have never been angry with her, or even hated her.  I was frustrated.

    You’re right that I’ve always been suspicious and skeptical. As soon as something, in my own mind, seemed off, I’ve always closed off from it, and that’s what happened with her.

    I don’t know what it was, or I can’t remember what it was, but something made me believe she didn’t like me back, so I cut it off. I felt far too vulnerable.

    And it really is true: I have NEVER stopped thinking about her.

     

     

     

     

    #310211

    anita
    Participant

    Dear CluelessCarrot:

    If you want, think more about why you believed she didn’t like you back during the five years you had contact with her: was it her behavior, what she said to you.. or what she didn’t say to you, what was it?

    If you can’t answer the above, or in addition to your answer to the above: can you describe that five year relationship with her, before you ghosted her: did you go on dates, did you have conversations (what kinds).. did you meet her family and friends.. did she meet yours, and so forth.

    One more thing: about thinking about her every day for five years of no contact with her: what kinds of thought were those?

    I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours. I hope to read more from you when I return and will reply then.

    anita

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