Hello anita

I have been thinking about the same thing. Maybe me trying to help and be supportive is actually enabling his condition.

I thought a lot about not trying and just focusing on myself. And actually I have been spending a lot more time with myself and my friends as well as people with positive energy. One thing that bothers me is that I am still allowing him to control how I feel. I am trying to take ownership of my emotions and stay as objective as possible – and maybe that’s what I should have been focusing on. Also, for some reason, I feel bad if I go out and have fun without him. I actually feel guilty for not being able to spend time with him. Perhaps I am just thinking and worrying too much about him.

Hello Anita

You’re right. There’s nothing I can do.
He told me that he needed to work on a lot of things on his personal level. And he had a lot of that he wanted to achieve career-wise so he really didn’t have the capability to be in a relationship, at least for now. I think there’s a lot going on in his mind/life.
His family only live an hour away. He had never once gone back for a visit, not thanksgiving, not on his mother’s birthday, not even when his dad had a heartache and underwent a emergency surgery.
He said he’s a very independent person. In my opinion, he just really enjoyed his solitude because, like he said, he didn’t have the capability to love, or show people his love.

I also asked him why it had to be this way, why couldn’t we work on things together. He said he didn’t know. Part of him wanted this relationship, part of him didn’t. I am sad and feeling sorry for him. But it’s the best.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Connie.

Hi Anita and Mark

Thank you very much for the feedback. Both of your descriptions were really very accurate. We have had some conversations and he told me that he wanted to get better with me by his side. He said he was trying to fight his brain and needed time.

I am glad he has made some progress. He used to disappear and not respond to my texts and calls. Now he would at least check in with me regularly and let me know if he’s feeling off. Our communication has gotten better but I know we still have a long way to go. He also seemed very excited when I told him that he’s improving.

He still has a hard time accepting/loving himself, especially when I compliment him on things he doesn’t feel he deserves. I wish he knew how great of a person he is. It’s sad for me to see that he has to suffer like this, and that he doesn’t know he’s such a great person.

He also confessed that he has had depression. However, he’s not seeking professional help. He feels uncomfortable talking to people about his “problems,”  and he doesn’t like taking medicine 🙁 I haven’t had a chance to make any suggestions on him going to doctors and stuff. I figured I should give him time and space to figure out what’s best for him? Or when the time’s right, I will let him know that professional help is an option that he should consider?

He promised me that he will try his best to get over depression and he wanted to be able to take care of me. I am glad that I can be a motivation in this situation. It’s just very hard on me sometimes because I feel I need to be a stronger person for him as well. We both have a lot to work on.

Hello Anita

Thank you for getting back to me. I had to collect my thoughts in the past week because there were too many things going on.

First of all, no, I never really asked him about his past relationships. We talked briefly about it but I couldn’t handle so much information. I told him I needed time to process his past with his exes.

He came back to me after some days of silence. In the beginning, he acted as nothing had happened. As we talked more, he started opening up and telling me he was sorry for being distant and wanting to end things when he didn’t really want to.

We talked about his insecurity and why he had to run. He said he’s a “manchild”. Having strong feelings for me was too overwhelming because he hadn’t had any feelings for so long. He forgot relationships need work and at the same time, he felt he was letting me down because he turned down my plans of going out for a date night.

I felt he had a switch. Some days he is extremely affectionate and caring, but some days it almost feels like he’s “switched off,” acting really indifferent and strange. When he gets better, he would come back and apologize because he was fully aware of what he was doing to me.

I don’t doubt his feelings for me and I have been thinking a lot. We do want the same things in the end. But perhaps we are just walking at different paces. We have a lot of things in common and always feel we are connected to each other even when we are apart. We are so similar to a point I almost feel loving him is loving myself.

I also thought about his emotional unavailability. I just realized that there are some things that switch me off as well – when he talked about his past relationships, when we get too close and it becomes overwhelming, and when I can’t respond to him after the silence. Those are the times I become emotionally unavailable. The only difference between us is that it takes me a shorter time to break my silence but my unavailability is still there.

And I forgot the fact that “relationships need work.” I used to fantasize about meeting my Mr. Right and things would work out magically and we would live happily ever after. This Mr. Right is a perfect figure that doesn’t really exist. Even if he does, am I the Ms. Right? Do I magically make his world better? Can I accept all his flaws and imperfections without any complaints or doubts?

I am still learning this person and learning myself.

Is it me not good enough?

I am not sure how someone could change from “I am so lucky to have you” to “I am not sure if I want this?”

I have heard that some men freak out when they realize they are about to lose their freedom before entering relationships. Is that the case?

Honestly, deep down I am still hoping that he would come back to me after he sorts out everything. Is that even realistic to think this way?

Hello everyone

After making the post last Sunday, I finally heard from him hours later. He said he loved me and asked to spend time together. When we met up, he was really apologetic and told me he collapsed sometimes and needed time to be alone and isolate himself. I told him about my concerns and asked him if that ever happened again – if he felt that he needed to retreat again, make sure to let me know and communicate with me so I would know what’s going on and how to help him. He said it would never happen again and he would make sure to let me know if otherwise.

We talked a lot that night. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. He said he wanted to move in together, had kids with me, etc. Everything seemed so wonderful.

A couple of days later, we then arrange two-night sleep-over at his place due to my housing situation. I double-checked with him making sure he’d be ok with that. He said that would not be a problem. But right before I headed to his house, he texted me that he had to cancel the sleep over because he was sweaty and gross. (It was oddly hot in our city the other day). I felt a bit off but still texted him back ok. Then he changed his mind again, telling me he had dinner ready and wanted me to come. I was really confused so I called him. He asked me if I loved him, He just felt he was sweating and felt gross. I said I didn’t mind but I wanted him to be sure about me coming over. He said yes. That night we also talked a lot and he was really affectionate.

Two days later, he shut down again. He got mad over something that’s really small. I tried calling him but he hung up on me a couple of times. At this point, the whole situation had gotten me really exhausted, and him as well.

I gave multiple attempts to try to communicate with him but we never had a real conversation. I tried to be caring and rational by letting him know I cared about him and wanted to solve the problem. But he just never seemed to have the emotional capacity to talk to me. He said everything happened too fast and too much. He felt stressed and had a second thought about us. That made me rethink the whole situation. I told him I wasn’t sure about us anymore. He said he couldn’t do this anymore. So we ended things there.

I am not really sure what happened but doubt he might have some mental disorder. Like I said I was willing to go through everything with him, but I couldn’t put my heart on the table if he’s not even sure what he wanted.

I am torn… but I will be ok.

Hello everyone

Thank you very much for the feedback. I have been doing pretty well. And I noticed something, I feel I am just lonely so I kinda rely on texts to feel I have a company. It can be anyone or anything we text. It sounds kinda weird to me because I seem to build a connection based on text messages?

Anyways, thanks again for the feedback.

Hello

Because the last time we met, we had this “where-we-stand” talk. He told me there were some more dates that he wanted to go on. So I said to him I could only wait three more weeks for him. And that was exactly two weeks ago.

I think I am gonna stick with my “offer.” I will only wait another week and that will be all. I am not going to initiate any convo since I made myself really clearly and there shouldn’t be anything left to say on my end.