Hi Anita,
My posts are over long (in the 7th June) I said ‘My partner and I were than refereed to marriage guidance (I was given the option on if I wanted to bring my P along to talk to her but she said she would prefer that we start fresh with someone else in case of bias)’

And I agree with you that I am ‘confusedandsuspicious’ and yes I also said I’m verging on OCD – not only am I confused and suspicious I’m in a lot of pain and heartache because I can’t trust my partner who I love very much.

I’ve pressed edit because I ended this post with ‘love very much’ and didn’t finish off properly, with a thanks etc.
But Anita usually I find you post are more helpful and I was really hoping for something more. My writing is long and boring, but I’m still hurting just as much Sh**&^ maybe I should just have an affair too, than I can write in about that… On the day my P had a very quiet day ‘Find my Phone’ showed up for most of the day at that different address, during the times I know my P had no meeting he was there but not others – it may be all coincidence! that is why I am ‘confusedandsuspicious’
Thanks
Best regards

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by confusedandsuspicious.

Dear Evan, bebedough and Anita

Hi Evan,
Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply.
I understand when you say how your wife of 20 years eroded your trust in her by lying. It sounds like your relationship ended because of this, I’m sorry.
To me lies create doubt -when you are finally in a situation when you need to be able to say ‘well I’ll just trust all is good because I can count on your truth being true’. I came across Marriage Builders, and I really liked how the site brakes down in a 10 point list things that help create love and security for you and what things may erode this you also (it’s a couples exercise). Everyone is so different and for some people lies don’t seem as big a deal as for others. For me it was at the top of my list, for my partner he didn’t list it as important. For me being told the truth, even if it hurts my feelings, makes me feel loved and secure.
I like the questions you asked, and I don’t know what will happen, I’ve explained how when the truth isn’t told it makes me feel during our past and my P. has worked through these exercises with me and understands how important this is for me, but it’s not really working I feel.
‘How committed are you to trusting your innerself?’ I think this is an important point you bring up, I don’t feel I’ve connected with it for a long time, or more so they aren’t in sync.
Thank you for your advice and sharing your story, I hope for all the best for you

Dear Babedough
Thank you for well reply, I can see you have put consideration into it. May I ask if you were also dealing with trust issues? as you say ‘going through things not entirely the same but the feelings are the same for sure’ Your post seems to reflect a lot of thought on this?
And I agree with both you and Evan in your advice of ‘listening to your inner voice, your gut, your heart…but be smart and use your mind too’ When I try to listen to my inner voice my mind pushes it aside with that I’m being overly suspicious, but than wants to console it by checking out for evidence (somewhere up there I’ve mentioned this suspicion has been going on for well now?..11 months- not at such a heightened state)
You mention ‘but perhaps right now is a cycle in which intimacy (sexually and mentally) is not topmost for him’- around 6 months prior to this 11mths, I started to feel a disconnection from my P. so maybe this did contribute to my suspicion starting somehow, but I feel perhaps it’s only a small contribution.
If ‘Find my Phone’ is correct I don’t think ‘This rental near his workplace – maybe he just needs to escape, to think, to recharge batteries to be a better partner and dad?’ He literally will walk a couple more blocks to get to an ATM machine that he wont be charge $2 to use even if he’s in front of one, to save that amount. So I can’t imagine spending money on a rental for an escape. I’ve even cut my own hair for years (just got my first cut – a splurge on myself)
Thanks for pointing out to focus on the good bits and to look after myself and make myself happy these are all great points.
I appreciate your help
Best regards

Dear Anita,
Hi there:) Thanks for your reply
I don’t even swallow head ache tables when I would be kept awake otherwise, but I would do so, and even sign up for several months in a padded room if I could get over this feeling of untrust – and that my P is telling the truth in this matter.
I’ve been to a total of 4 session with my psychiatrist and after this first couple ask her if I am being unstable and overly suspicious in behavior – she said we’ve been together for over 21 years and that as it’s been this and the other time, around 11 years ago (when I was feeling also untrusting of him) she thinks it’s not my normal state and has not prescribed any medication. She and I negotiated a 1 hour / day (or a total of 7 hours per week) when I can check up etc. so I gather she may think I’m verging on OCD. But since last visit I can lessen the checking to fewer than a hand full of minutes but I’m finding it Difficult with the thinking on it (to not think on it). Though I can distract myself if I keep company with others.
I took along all my screen shots of “Find my Phone” for her, she didn’t go all through them (so many photos were taken in the 2.5 weeks since I found this) it did show his phone was showing up at the other address after work, lunch times sometimes or first thing in the morning (plus I took shots of it going back to his work address). We didn’t get to the shots for one particular day when his phone was there the majority of the day – I was hopeful that this meant it wasn’t accurate! but my P told me that evening that his day was very quiet as one of the countries he gets alot of emails from was on a public holiday. My psychiatrist said at the end that it was very good evidence that he was having an affair, I pointed out that there might be another explanation or it’s faulty somehow. She asked what would it take for me to believe he’s having an affair. I replied seeing him go into that apartment block or a photo of that. She said ‘No I think it would take a photo of him in bed with someone first’ So it’s making it hard because I feel she thinks I’m in denial. I actually feel worse in a way. Though it’s very nice to talk to her, but she’s on holiday for several weeks now.
I don’t feel comfortable getting support from friend/acquaintances, I tried my mum but the first thing she said after telling her my suspicion was that I should get a job so I want be so boring. She also got a bit angry when I told her about the screen shots and said I shouldn’t be checking on him and if there wasn’t such technology I wouldn’t even know. XD I’m kind of laugh/crying about that. But it’s hard not having people to talk about it to, or help ground me to what the truth is.
Thanks for your reply, Best wishes

Update: For several weeks after writing here I forced myself to not think about my problem as it was affecting me to much.
Thank you Anita – I did not see your very last reply

I have just started to go to a councilor, with the next appointment due in 2 weeks. I was uncomfortable talking face to face to someone, but it is much better to seek assistance, and not leave things fester, without outside help.

It’s very good to have sites like Tiny Buddha here, there’s also a lot of help waiting for you if you just push and reach out.

Thank you Inky and Anita for taking the time to write back and try and help.

**Inky: Thanks for your reply I really appreciated it
1) Yes I know:) Like I wrote (somewhere in that over lengthy and to upset to edit properly last letter). I don’t think I ever over reached to past lies by P – when we went into the yard (so not to upset / worry the kids) I really needed to talk about and P wanted to know any other times his lies have hurt me because he couldn’t recall any -we don’t really go back to past issues (we try to resolve them and move on) So I told him a few eg: like when he broke his promise to marry me 5) he said he didn’t realize that had upset me so much

After we had been living together over 3 year P wanted to know if we would start a family soon as that was important to him and if I decided I didn’t want a family he would have to leave even though he loved me. I wasn’t still sure..it wasn’t because I defiantly didn’t want kids I just didn’t have any ‘strong’ urge to (mainly I suppose because my mum had clinical depression most of my childhood, and I have a brother 13 years younger, he was 2yrs old when my parents separated. So I knew how children effect your life and I had to help out, as well as supporting my mum with her depression) So because I had a day job I went to night college for 2yrs and done a child care course. A part of it was to do ‘hands on’ work experience(used work holiday time) – and this place soon after offered me a year full time to help there, during a staff maternity leave, so I quit my job and done this. This was a very good thing as my brother had ADHD and it was really good to experience a wide variety of children.
So when we were going to start our family I did ask P for 2 things 1) That we get married 2) that P would quit smoking (for his health and good eg for our future children) .
P was happy to agree and promised, with the compromise of ‘before’ our child was born (he doesn’t really support the instite of marriage but was happy to do this for me).

5) We found out we were pregnant when P’s parents were visiting from Europe and I said this would be a great time for us to get married as they were here and we’d fly my mum the 1 hr to us (she wasn’t invited to two of my brothers wedding so I wanted her there too) P spoke to his parents (don’t speak very good English) and said it wasn’t a ‘convenient’ time (they were leaving in a few days time) I said it could be just a quick register office wedding with just our parents. But it wasn’t a good time and his sisters would want to come to. He parents decided 1 -1.5 years would be a better time for them. I suppose me crying and saying you promised didn’t really come across as being to upset because he recalls I wasn’t to upset about it all.

**Anita: Thank you for writing I can see you are also concerned with my children, P and family as a whole.

Please know that I give 110% to my children and P are very, very dear to me. My kids don’t feel I’m over bearing, micro managing them etc .. my daughter has even come home from friends and said she had a great time and said I don’t fuse (in a bad way) as much as a couple of the other mums (my daughter has a handful of friends who places she visits). My son (my eldest) didn’t get to stay over alone with my own mother (now lives 2hr by car) until he was starting school, my mum wanted to have him a few nights but I made sure to tell my son if he wanted to come home early to tell nanna to call me. I got a call first thing the next day. My children are used to being given alot of attention and time and not being ignored etc.

I know I do fuse over a few things, I am aware I probably have a little hyperventilate with a few things which are: whole foods (no takeaway etc) our kids eat whatever when they are visiting others but if I would feed them things like colors, flavors, genetically modified food- I would feel anxiety over it (they still eat treats, lollies etc but the ones without what I just listed). I wont take them to old houses with lead paint that are getting renovated at the time or even want to walk past one (so I suppose this is almost a phobia?) and no mobile phones, for our children. And when they’re been out they either have a shower that day OR wash their hands and legs for the day – they get the OPTION. They do go up to a week without a shower or using a face washer if they chose to during holidays or when they’re just home and in our yard. But I do get the kids to change out of their school clothes when they get home. I’ve covered every thing here,all my controlling habits (my daughter still thinks I’m less than some of her friend’s mums)…My son is a young teenager he wouldn’t of chosen the shower option when we got home from our long day out so all I asked is he quickly wash his legs and hands for the day…I don’t feel that is excessive? I don’t feel that P should teach him to lie to me about it?

P is from a very ‘relaxed’ house *ie messy. While I was brought up with a mother who did have a ‘cleanliness’ phobia..eg. I sat on the floor until I went away to Uni so not to stress her out about her lounge chairs, I had to wipe any splashed water off the sink bowl when I got a drink of water. I suppose the worst thing was when was I was little we weren’t allowed to have our pets inside but being a child I wanted my pet cat to quickly see my room, he wasn’t house-trained and made a ‘mess’ under my bed when my mum found out she got so angry she got my dad to kill him. My dad was really good at killing things, or kicking them untill they couldn’t get up, or he’d kick them to hard and have to kill them as he broke bones. My daughter has a guinea pig that lives in her room during afternoon to morning and it sometimes smells like a mess and I’m very happy with her pet inside. I know I’m a great mum, I’m really proud of my children they are the most fantastic, beautiful children you could wish for, P thinks I’m a great mum.

P doesn’t think I’m over bearing, or micro manage, he says if he had to do it all again he’d still spend his life with me. I made sure to include Everything that P would feel are my fussy ways in my list above. (I even asked him if there was anything else) The only other thing he said is that I can get insure sometimes. I think maybe I get only a little bit insure when he’s away, but it’s mainly I feel more tired, as I don’t sleep well. But the last 2-3months I’m feeling a great amount of insecurity. The last time I felt like this was around 7 years ago, when P and I had a big argument (we seldom have) and P said he was taking the kids and leaving. I think that’s where the ‘mood’ habit started with P as it took 4-6 months before I felt like getting close with him more than every 1-3 weeks. It hurt so much because P knew that was the very worst most hurtful thing he could of said. He knew I had had to work on abandonment issues (not that I missed my dad, he was the type of man that could make a little girl hold onto a dog while he shot it and tell her it was to toughen her up) But when my parents separate when I was 15, two of my brothers, 1 older and my slightly younger brother stayed with my dad as they didn’t want to go to a women’s refuge. My mum, 2yr old brother and me left town quietly after my dad did something really terrible to my mum when she came to collect us from our visit, he had only been stalking before that, and he tried to keep my youngest brother. So I really missed my brothers alot (I’ve only seen my favorite brother a couple of times since than)

I don’t know what to do with all these feeling I’m having at the moment, why I wrote here to TB. When I’m feeling worried I usually read up and learn more or talk to P about it. But I feel to many things don’t make sense and P can not explain because he says he doesn’t know why (eg why my full name is in his contact list with a functioning mobile number – I’ve rung it and also left a text message. P says he doesn’t know how it got there… we check his mobile phone together and it’s in his list there to) I’ve read up on lists of clues for infidelity and P has a lot of them (eg I wrote last time he come home from work smelling like different soap, hours away etc as well as other stuff like ads for cheap short term accommodation so close to his work, coming up on ebay).

Anita and Inky please know before 2-3 months ago I never snooped at all – I didn’t even Know P’s passwords etc. I didn’t feel like I needed to check before. P has offered to do a lie detector test, I don’t even think I could force myself to do that to him… that would be such a hurtful thing to do to him, but I can’t stop being worried and suspicious atm.