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Would you be suspicious if if were you?

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  • #83187

    Grateful for your opinion if I’m being suspicious

    I’d really appreciate it to get some feedback as to if I’m being unnecessarily suspicious.

    About a month ago, I kind of had an emotional melt down, as in I felt like I’d hit the very bottom and everything kind of rushed up at me that I’ve been really blind in my love for my partner of over 20 years (and father of our two children) and I’m now not sure if I have any trust in him left. But I have to say firstly I love my partner so very much- he’s calm and hardly ever angers, he doesn’t belittle, he’s really good company and great to talk with (when he’s not tired) he’s caring – not so much with words but he still is, he’s a great provider and very intelligent.

    My partner – I’ll call him ‘P’, has lied to me in the past, and I know lies are meant to be common but we discussed about the importance of being truthful to each other and I’ve never made him feel guilty nor over reacted in any way to make him feel he needs to lie.

    However around two months ago we had a family outing and I asked my son to wash his legs clean when he went inside, when I saw he hadn’t I asked him again to do it and he said again that he’d already. So I gave a short talk about being truthful and went outside to read on the veranda. While outside, through the window, I overhead P telling our son to get a face washer out of the cupboard and telling him to wet it than show me as proof that he’d really had. When I brought it up with P how our son couldn’t of washed he legs with a face washer as there wasn’t one in the room, P explained our son had thrown it and it had landed behind the bath room door. I was so hurt that P was teaching our son to lie!

    I suppose I was also hurt because it created more doubt on the other times that I thought P was lying to me but I always believed him.
    I took him into our yard and had a long talk about our son and lies and though we always keep to what is being discussed I really needed to talk about all the other things that had hurt me over our 20 years together and how this has created doubt in me now and how right now, this very moment, I feel so angry I feel like separating from him (something I’ve never even hinted at before). P started to cry and said he didn’t want that (P is a good and kind man to me and our kids) but when I asked why he didn’t want that to happen, he said because I look after our kids so well and I’m a great mum – [he said the words I feel – sometimes I feel like I’m his free child raiser, in the last seven or so years I’ve had to initiate all our sex otherwise I don’t think it would happen (I’ve brought it up in the past several times but he says he’s fine with when I’m ‘in the mood’, which is not infrequent 🙂 but when I think about it now, it does make me feel somewhat undesirable] I think I sat so quiet thinking on all, that he remember to tell me that he loves me as well. We had a big talk on all of the above and he promised to be truthful and never teach our children to lie again.

    Less than a week later I happened to be at our son’s window about to open it when I saw P looking like he was pulling something out of his pocket to put in the car – it was about the size of his mobile phone. Normally I wouldn’t think twice on this but I asked what was he doing with his phone he said he was just checking to see if it was placed in the recharger…I wouldn’t normally, but I said he was putting something back from his pocket.. so he got his phone fiddled around with it while saying how I’m being so suspicious than showed me he didn’t have any calls out today, so I said he just had plenty of time to get rid of any out calls when he was fiddling with it than. When we went inside he went to our walk in wardrobe, came out a bit later and pulled from his pocket of those ‘new’ type electronic cigarette and said he was smoking again but didn’t want me to be disappointed with him so didn’t tell me (for the last 9months or so), especially since our daughter was within ear reach of the car and he didn’t want her to hear about him smoking. I was more sure that it looked like a mobile not a shiny silver cigarette shape that I saw.

    So about a month ago when my P was on one of his overseas business trips I did something I’ve never done and looked through his hotmail, linkedin and skype I had to change his passwords to get into them.

    His hotmail messages where deleted except for a handful of emails and spam from the last day or so. In the contacts list my full name is included but has a mobile phone number as my details – I have never owned a cell phone – I’ve tried phoning the number, it works but wants to send your voice recording as a text message.
    In skype there was a very beautiful looking women’s photo but she has taken P off her skype contact, Linedin was how she had originally contacted him
    When P came home I asked about her and why he had given her his mobile number when she wasn’t from a recruitment agency (P seems to of had lots of coffee catch up meetings with recruitment people …he says its important to network at his work level). He also said he had only spoken on the phone that once and gave her a contact number of someone who might be helpful answering questions, and he’s never skyped with her…she must of sent him a ‘request’ but he never accepted it…I showed him the difference between a request and when someone has been deleted from their contacts (which she had) and also how her name in half way done the list and not at the top section (he acted confused and said he had no idea why it’s there). I was so upset when he than tried to convince me that I was wrong because he said the question mark next to her name means she’s awaiting for him to accept his request for being in his contact list, that I sent out a request myself to her. I asked him if he has any other phone numbers or email address I don’t know about, as he said you know all the active ones, so I said any ones that are still working. He promised he doesn’t have any. I’ve found a email address of his that still works – in it’s account section it shows he’d visited it and changed it’s password on the day I sent out the skype request (I skype requested 12 days before I found this email address). It contained no correspondence or contacts. P said he has never used it – and he set it up to use as a sign in email when joining a computer gaming site and didn’t know how it’s password go changed. If your still reading this?? thanks! I don’t know much about computers but when you go to gmail ‘Accounts’ and than click on ‘Personal information and privacy’ than click on ‘google and profile’ this account that he ‘set up to join a video game’ with a silly gaming kind of name has over 2000 views and 2 followers (one a female recruitment agent – he has 2 other proper emails addresses he could of given her) while his everyday gmail account has only a couple of hundred more views while being around much longer and the only 2 followers (his his sister and our son)he uses it so much. My gmail account show no views but is very, active with incoming and outgoing emails. I can only guess this email for the gaming site sign up is / has been very active??? because of the view number ??

    It didn’t help that a couple of weeks ago, I got my very first phone call from his P.A, at 7.30am as his mobile phone was turned off,she had tried it multiple time, I explained that P knows his got a 8am meeting so he should be there soon (he wasn’t running late!) and that his phone would be off, as he’s in the car…which she said ‘what a good boy’, in a condescending kind of way.

    Of cause P know about most of my snooping – he gets notified by mobile phone for any password changes or if another computer etc is used to log in. He kind of got angry not only about me thinking he could have an affair but that I don’t think he’s smart enough that I would never be able to find any email address’s or phone numbers..which only made it worse as he’s very high up in management in relation to computer work, and I already know he would never make a mistake like leave a love note email from someone else etc. He thinks I’m being way over board suspicious, more than other women would be in this situation and that it’s just my nature to be that way. I don’t think I am …when he got glandular fever after over four months of us living together I 100% believed he ‘yep’ must of got it from sharing coffee cups. Or when he came home last summer with not only his face and neck, hands and arms smelling like some other strong soap (couldn’t smell the rest as he went for a shower) but ‘yep’ it was a hot day he must of had some of the toilet soap on his hands when he cooled himself down. Than a week or so later he’d spoken to a few of the women at work about how we make our own soap and took a few in to share around…I didn’t think any of that strange …the very first thing that caught my attention was around 3 months ago when I opened ebay – short term accommodation (kind of rent a nice but cheap room in a huge house) came up in an area about 5 mins from his work. P explained this must be because we’d been looking a buying a new bathtub a few weeks earlier – so ads for such would come up for places to stay during a renovation…we live over half an hour from his work..and put in our ‘home’ area code, so I couldn’t see how it would want to show accommodation so close to his work.

    If your still reading …thank you so very much. My question is would you feel suspicious if in my situation? In defense of P before these last few months I would never of thought he would be the type of guy that would ever risk having an affair… and after all my negativity above, several days ago he told me how happy he is that he met me and that he would never risk us breaking up over a stupid affair, he would never do that as I’m to precious to him.

    Thanks for any help or guidance, I’m very confused and don’t know if I should be feeling suspicious towards such a great guy – would you?

    #83188

    Would you be suspicious if it were you? (sorry typo)

    #83190
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi confusedandsuspicious,

    Well, I’ll number my thoughts…

    1. When people lie it’s because they think the other person can’t handle the truth. Or that the histrionics of the other person isn’t worth the trouble. That lying would be so much easier. Yes, it’s even worse being caught in a lie, but the overall trade off day by day must be worth it!

    2. TBH, I didn’t understand nor think too much about the online stuff you wrote above. I’m not dim, but the passwords, the timing, the contact, the this and the that didn’t send any red flags. Not really.

    3. Online I only go on a dozen sites. Yet I have FB Friends who clearly know me, and I clearly knew them when I Accepted them, but I have NO idea now how I know them IRL! Are you sure some of the stuff isn’t unconscious or innocent? I would totally believe in the business contact. Nor would I like someone cracking into my passwords. I’ve had my email password changed. I wasn’t angry. Nothing was going on, but I understand why a partner would do that in an insecure moment. And by the way, if you’re doing that, you BET he won’t write ANYTHING incriminating online EVER!

    4. That being said, you must be picking up on something in the ethers. I don’t think your Partner is having an affair. Are there people out there that are or were sniffing around him? Probably, considering you’ve been together 20 years and he travels for business. Heck, I get hit on shopping at the store! It happens.

    5. Why aren’t you two married? You might as well be and would be better financially and for next of kin issues. Call me old fashioned, but it’s time. And it will change the spiritual energy of the relationship.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
    #83194
    anita
    Participant

    Dear confusedandsuspicious:

    I wasn’t able to follow the computer details as I am not experienced with such. Here is a possibility for what is going on, and it is only a possibility. It may have some real truth in it and it is for you to consider:

    You are micromanaging P’s life as well as your children’s lives. You are over- controlling and overbearing. You get into their business way too much and they feel suffocated. In that suffocation, P doesn’t feel too much romance and attraction to you. He appreciates you as a mother and other attributes but feel like he has to live with the micromanagement and does his best with it.

    You treat P like he was a child caught in a lie and needs to be reprimanded.

    If any of this is true, I would recommend extricating yourself from the busy-body mother role with P, letting him BE and doing the same with your children. I hope for greater adult-adult communication between you and P.

    anita

    #83289

    Thank you Inky and Anita for taking the time to write back and try and help.

    **Inky: Thanks for your reply I really appreciated it
    1) Yes I know:) Like I wrote (somewhere in that over lengthy and to upset to edit properly last letter). I don’t think I ever over reached to past lies by P – when we went into the yard (so not to upset / worry the kids) I really needed to talk about and P wanted to know any other times his lies have hurt me because he couldn’t recall any -we don’t really go back to past issues (we try to resolve them and move on) So I told him a few eg: like when he broke his promise to marry me 5) he said he didn’t realize that had upset me so much

    After we had been living together over 3 year P wanted to know if we would start a family soon as that was important to him and if I decided I didn’t want a family he would have to leave even though he loved me. I wasn’t still sure..it wasn’t because I defiantly didn’t want kids I just didn’t have any ‘strong’ urge to (mainly I suppose because my mum had clinical depression most of my childhood, and I have a brother 13 years younger, he was 2yrs old when my parents separated. So I knew how children effect your life and I had to help out, as well as supporting my mum with her depression) So because I had a day job I went to night college for 2yrs and done a child care course. A part of it was to do ‘hands on’ work experience(used work holiday time) – and this place soon after offered me a year full time to help there, during a staff maternity leave, so I quit my job and done this. This was a very good thing as my brother had ADHD and it was really good to experience a wide variety of children.
    So when we were going to start our family I did ask P for 2 things 1) That we get married 2) that P would quit smoking (for his health and good eg for our future children) .
    P was happy to agree and promised, with the compromise of ‘before’ our child was born (he doesn’t really support the instite of marriage but was happy to do this for me).

    5) We found out we were pregnant when P’s parents were visiting from Europe and I said this would be a great time for us to get married as they were here and we’d fly my mum the 1 hr to us (she wasn’t invited to two of my brothers wedding so I wanted her there too) P spoke to his parents (don’t speak very good English) and said it wasn’t a ‘convenient’ time (they were leaving in a few days time) I said it could be just a quick register office wedding with just our parents. But it wasn’t a good time and his sisters would want to come to. He parents decided 1 -1.5 years would be a better time for them. I suppose me crying and saying you promised didn’t really come across as being to upset because he recalls I wasn’t to upset about it all.

    **Anita: Thank you for writing I can see you are also concerned with my children, P and family as a whole.

    Please know that I give 110% to my children and P are very, very dear to me. My kids don’t feel I’m over bearing, micro managing them etc .. my daughter has even come home from friends and said she had a great time and said I don’t fuse (in a bad way) as much as a couple of the other mums (my daughter has a handful of friends who places she visits). My son (my eldest) didn’t get to stay over alone with my own mother (now lives 2hr by car) until he was starting school, my mum wanted to have him a few nights but I made sure to tell my son if he wanted to come home early to tell nanna to call me. I got a call first thing the next day. My children are used to being given alot of attention and time and not being ignored etc.

    I know I do fuse over a few things, I am aware I probably have a little hyperventilate with a few things which are: whole foods (no takeaway etc) our kids eat whatever when they are visiting others but if I would feed them things like colors, flavors, genetically modified food- I would feel anxiety over it (they still eat treats, lollies etc but the ones without what I just listed). I wont take them to old houses with lead paint that are getting renovated at the time or even want to walk past one (so I suppose this is almost a phobia?) and no mobile phones, for our children. And when they’re been out they either have a shower that day OR wash their hands and legs for the day – they get the OPTION. They do go up to a week without a shower or using a face washer if they chose to during holidays or when they’re just home and in our yard. But I do get the kids to change out of their school clothes when they get home. I’ve covered every thing here,all my controlling habits (my daughter still thinks I’m less than some of her friend’s mums)…My son is a young teenager he wouldn’t of chosen the shower option when we got home from our long day out so all I asked is he quickly wash his legs and hands for the day…I don’t feel that is excessive? I don’t feel that P should teach him to lie to me about it?

    P is from a very ‘relaxed’ house *ie messy. While I was brought up with a mother who did have a ‘cleanliness’ phobia..eg. I sat on the floor until I went away to Uni so not to stress her out about her lounge chairs, I had to wipe any splashed water off the sink bowl when I got a drink of water. I suppose the worst thing was when was I was little we weren’t allowed to have our pets inside but being a child I wanted my pet cat to quickly see my room, he wasn’t house-trained and made a ‘mess’ under my bed when my mum found out she got so angry she got my dad to kill him. My dad was really good at killing things, or kicking them untill they couldn’t get up, or he’d kick them to hard and have to kill them as he broke bones. My daughter has a guinea pig that lives in her room during afternoon to morning and it sometimes smells like a mess and I’m very happy with her pet inside. I know I’m a great mum, I’m really proud of my children they are the most fantastic, beautiful children you could wish for, P thinks I’m a great mum.

    P doesn’t think I’m over bearing, or micro manage, he says if he had to do it all again he’d still spend his life with me. I made sure to include Everything that P would feel are my fussy ways in my list above. (I even asked him if there was anything else) The only other thing he said is that I can get insure sometimes. I think maybe I get only a little bit insure when he’s away, but it’s mainly I feel more tired, as I don’t sleep well. But the last 2-3months I’m feeling a great amount of insecurity. The last time I felt like this was around 7 years ago, when P and I had a big argument (we seldom have) and P said he was taking the kids and leaving. I think that’s where the ‘mood’ habit started with P as it took 4-6 months before I felt like getting close with him more than every 1-3 weeks. It hurt so much because P knew that was the very worst most hurtful thing he could of said. He knew I had had to work on abandonment issues (not that I missed my dad, he was the type of man that could make a little girl hold onto a dog while he shot it and tell her it was to toughen her up) But when my parents separate when I was 15, two of my brothers, 1 older and my slightly younger brother stayed with my dad as they didn’t want to go to a women’s refuge. My mum, 2yr old brother and me left town quietly after my dad did something really terrible to my mum when she came to collect us from our visit, he had only been stalking before that, and he tried to keep my youngest brother. So I really missed my brothers alot (I’ve only seen my favorite brother a couple of times since than)

    I don’t know what to do with all these feeling I’m having at the moment, why I wrote here to TB. When I’m feeling worried I usually read up and learn more or talk to P about it. But I feel to many things don’t make sense and P can not explain because he says he doesn’t know why (eg why my full name is in his contact list with a functioning mobile number – I’ve rung it and also left a text message. P says he doesn’t know how it got there… we check his mobile phone together and it’s in his list there to) I’ve read up on lists of clues for infidelity and P has a lot of them (eg I wrote last time he come home from work smelling like different soap, hours away etc as well as other stuff like ads for cheap short term accommodation so close to his work, coming up on ebay).

    Anita and Inky please know before 2-3 months ago I never snooped at all – I didn’t even Know P’s passwords etc. I didn’t feel like I needed to check before. P has offered to do a lie detector test, I don’t even think I could force myself to do that to him… that would be such a hurtful thing to do to him, but I can’t stop being worried and suspicious atm.

    #83291

    “am aware I probably have a little hyperventilate hypervigilance with a few things” (sorry spell check misreading)

    #83322
    anita
    Participant

    Dear confusedandsuspicious:

    I am typing AS I am reading your post above:You are very detailed. I like it that you pay attention to your children, that you are involved in their lives and that you are not crazy strict about their cleanliness and nutrtion and such. Probably your experience as a child with your clinically depressed mother and a much younger brother started you on the way of detail thinking and detailed awareness of what needs to be done… especially her cleanliness phobia must have put you on the ALERT: super awareness of details…Oh, my god, about your father killing things…Your mother, like your father, is cruel: “when my mum found out she got so angry she got my dad to kill him.”

    I agree with your last tiny post about being hypervigilant… and hyperventilating has something to do with it. You had a very rough childhood with a dangerous father and mother. being hypervigilant was your surivival mechanism, a necessity- pay attention, notice where the next trouble could originate and do something to prevent the danger to come. The current danger is P having an affair and you losing him and your children losing him- or you if he takes them away…. Danger. SO you are hypervigilant, paying attention to every detail.

    I am so sorry for your horrendous childhood and traumatic pet killing father – and mother. I see you are very careful and very committed to be a good mother. I wonder if you had psychotherapy to deal with the traumas of your childhood- if you need it? I don’t know. You sure are trying your best.

    anita

    #83427
    Anne
    Participant

    Your instincts are making you hyperalert for a reason, OP. <hugs> It’s been my experience (unfortunately) that when someone thinks there’s something up, there usually is.

    #98383

    Update: For several weeks after writing here I forced myself to not think about my problem as it was affecting me to much.
    Thank you Anita – I did not see your very last reply

    I have just started to go to a councilor, with the next appointment due in 2 weeks. I was uncomfortable talking face to face to someone, but it is much better to seek assistance, and not leave things fester, without outside help.

    It’s very good to have sites like Tiny Buddha here, there’s also a lot of help waiting for you if you just push and reach out.

    #98387
    anita
    Participant

    Dear confusedandsuspicious:

    You are welcome. I am glad you are seeking assistance, outside help!

    anita

    #106686

    Going to talk to a psychiatrist the first few times made me feel a lot more relaxed about things until she wanted to explore in depth the possibility that my partner could be having an affair – understandable because I came to her because of my conflicting thoughts to what is the truth is (I tried to give both sides of things). As I had ‘very high’ levels of anxiety she also told me I qualified for 10 heavily subsidized sessions with her.

    My partner and I were than refereed to marriage guidance (I was given the option on if I wanted to bring my P along to talk to her but she said she would prefer that we start fresh with someone else in case of bias). During the couple of sessions we went to she gave a few insights and also reassured me that P sounds truthful and agreed with him that he wasn’t having an affair.

    I was starting to feel a little less worried until my son mentioned his dad had been smoking his electronic cigarette in his room. (I had been very hurt back when P didn’t tell me he was smoking these, it finally came out for over 2 years, without saying anything -he said for 3-6 months when I first found out, but I stayed calm at that time and we agreed many months ago that he wouldn’t smoke them inside with the kids or in the car with them anymore). But this really messed with my head again and I started to look into if P was being truthful in regards to an affair again.

    Recently I read about ‘Find my Phone’ and I started to watch his mobile phone location. His phone stayed at his work location (twice to different areas – P told me he went to work lunches, after I asked about his day) but also regularly to a very small street within walking distance to his work (no cafes etc mainly apartments). P even called me while his mobile phone was showing up in this area and said he could pick up the kids up on the way home… his phone locator soon after, went back to his work address than along the route he takes home. I think ‘Find my Phone’ is accurate enough to show that he was at a different address. I’ve been trying to be as rational as possible to if there is any other explanation (talking about what a lovely day it was outside…’didn’t get to go out into it I was in my office all day) to my most crazy…someone has broken into my computer (wth!!! I don’t even know how I went there! that’s so far out of reality, but I did get P to check my security and it had been corrupted and was not working at all)

    I hurt so much, much more because my partner reassure me he loves me so much as well, never had an affair, never will without first breaking ties with me first. The ‘Find my Phone’ stuff I’ve kept to myself but it’s so hard because I want there to be a logical explanation for his phone going to that other address, I want to believe him so much.

    My psychiatrist wants me to not think about it atm. and to just try to calm down so I can think better. I’ve seen her 2 times since this – the second time she scheduled for only 5 days later but she is going on holidays for several weeks. She wants me to have fun with our kids and enjoy any little thing I can find.

    It’s so hard to act normal and be calm when I feel crazy hurt and I’m still trying to find another explanation because I love my P. so much (we’ve been living together over 21 years). Towards the end of last week I had a melt down with him and feel so bad because I shouted in his face over again that I just want him to tell me the truth and he kept saying he’s innocent and I’m hurting him so much to say these things. I also told him the computer showed something and that’s why I wanted him to check it’s security. So the last several work days P. ‘Find my Phone’ hasn’t shown up at the other address, so now I feel I’ve destroyed my chance to find the truth.

    I hurt so much and my head feels like it’s malfunctioned and I can’t believe anything that’s going on in there, any ideas or suggestions? Thanks very much

    #106704
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Confusedandsuspicious,

    I truly understand the desire to know….. and you will find a level of madness by obsessing over trying to prove something you feel is true within. I question if it really is a issue in P, or an issue within you.

    When you know….. you simply know. How committed are you to trusting your innerself? If you can honestly say the P is up to something, then you need to have a discussion about separating. Why? When trust is dissolved in a relationship, the relationship dissolves with it. Even if you are wrong, the trust is already beginning to diminish. What future is there if you never trust in him again? What kind of future do you have, going against your inner senses, to remain in this relationship?

    I say this, not as an encouragement to seperate, but to really look past your fear of the situation, and to see what is beyond that. You fear he is not being loyal….. I’m asking, how loyal are you to yourself? You may already know the answers, but too afraid to acknowledge them. What will you do if you never know the truth you seek?

    Although many details are different, I had a feeling that my wife of 20 years was lying, and I believe every lie erodes trust, and therefor the relationship. I had no proof, nor did I find any, however right toward the end, I did discover a few small things that I asked directly. I asked three questions, two I knew the answer for and one I didn’t. The energy was the same, for all three things, and each answer was a lie.

    I mention this as I may still have some unresolved sensitivities around this subject, however I do wish to share how important it is to listen to yourself…… not just listen, but listen with every ounce of your essence as if your life depended upon it. You may be hearing your fears above your inner voice. You may be unwilling to hear your inner voice. You maybe hearing clearly your inner voice, and disagreeing with it…..

    This issue is within you, and it is time to listen to it!

    Best

    Evan

    #106708
    Bebedough
    Participant

    My heart breaks for you…between the feeling/sensing, watching, confronting, not knowing, trying to trust when your gut says “no, don’t” is all very hard. I am right there in lock-step with you, going through things not entirely the same but the feelings are the same for sure.

    I like what @evanc said, “how important it is to listen to yourself.” I am a firm believer in listening to your inner voice, your gut, your heart…but be smart and use your mind too. Both must get in sync for you to move forward, with or without “P”.

    A general thought: We are all outliving pior generation’s life expectancies and as a result, are having to learn how to keep our intimate/married or otherwise relationships healthy for far longer than those prior generations…just think, in the last 100 years humans have advanced our life expectancy by 40+ years – most now live to 80+ years of age. So, what used to be a 15-25-max 50 year marriage is lasting far longer. 20 years is a long time to be monogamous – surely you know that relationships evolve, going through phases of togetherness and apartness…right now, you may be more apart than together. Sure you may be sharing space and friends, but perhaps right now is a cycle in which intimacy (sexually and mentally) is not topmost for him, meanwhile your hormones are probably in overdrive as you may be heading into pre-menopause…a time when most feel uber-confident with their inner tigress. (Note, if he is agreeable to your advances, keep them up…keep him happy physically and yourself too!) Read this: http://goop.com/conscious-uncoupling-2/

    Just think: How long you have been together and how much longer you may remain together. Wouldn’t it be far greater to see those years strong and happy…for you, for him, for you both? Would he be on board with this? You said some lovely things about him which seem worth focusing on as a basis to build from: ” I love my partner so very much- he’s calm and hardly ever angers, he doesn’t belittle, he’s really good company and great to talk with (when he’s not tired) he’s caring – not so much with words but he still is, he’s a great provider and very intelligent.” Now that’s something – a lot more than most can maybe say of their partner/spouse of 20 years! Would he be willing to go to counseling together with the arrangement that you are both doing it together to learn more about each other, to grow stronger, to gain skills to help each other and to get on to your golden years together?

    About your suspicions…
    I did say “listen to your inner voice, your gut” – I meant it. Intuition is a STRONG and worthy thing. But as I re-read your initial comments, my opinion as an outsider is this…he is carrying guilt, yes. He is hiding something, yes. He seems to not wan to upset, harm, or lose you – enough that he is willing to behave in an erratic manner and even lie or conceal. Everyone has a vice or two…for him it is smoking, right? That is not horrible – there could be worse things. (Kids will either learn to do or not do, because of what they saw or didn’t see a parent/person do. Seeing him smoke might cause them to never want to do so. And, seeing him smoke might cause kids to say “Daddy please don’t!”) This rental near his workplace – maybe he just needs to escape, to think, to recharge batteries to be a better partner and dad? Not that it is a right or best choice if so, but it may be innocent.

    Try to get to the root of your global differences as a starting point…
    You mentioned reference to his being from another country/culture (if I understood right?)…it would be good to think about his cultural differences from your own, and otherwise, do take time to consider his upbringing – for example, was he perhaps told or was it modeled that something like your child washing legs off was perhaps less important than getting in for dinner on time, and a quick cover-up was deemed acceptable by the father to ensure the child did not offend the mother who had worked hard to prepare the meal? (seen this sort of pattern with some Eur-Asian cultures in child-rearing. What I am saying is, check yourself…consider all possibilities within reason and the very real possibility that perhaps you are also feeling off-kilter – his traveling, his slip back into smoking, his lack of immediate interest in marrying (why so important if he has already committed to living together, child-rearing, and being together 20 years? Honestly, marrying may add a new layer of issue you won’t really desire in the end, legally as much as the shift in mental and emotional connection and control that ensues.)

    Ultimately, keep a journal of your thoughts, feelings, quotes, things that make you YOU and happy…NOT complaints about him or documentation of his actions! Then, perhaps you might seek out counseling just for yourself. A counselor is obviously a paid person to listen to you, without bias, helping you sort through the things that create concern for you…and help you find a clear path to travel along…whether together or apart from “P”.

    I wish you all the best! Let us know how things go with an update, will you? Sending you an Om Shanti and many hugs!
    -Bebedough (Midwestern, USA)

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Bebedough. Reason: Added reference link
    #106709
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Confusedandsuspicious:

    Seems to me that you are obsessed, locked into thoughts of distrust and the feelings associated with that thought. A fast and temporary relief from this painful obsession can happen with a fast working psychiatric drug, perhaps an SSRI like Zoloft that is often prescribed for OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. What it seems to do is whenever you have the thought: he is cheating and right before the thought extends to an avalanche of thoughts (and feelings) about his cheating, what the drug does, is like a pair of scissors, it cuts the thought before the avalanche. It did it for me and may do it for you.

    I believe in psychiatric drugs only as short term relief so to allow rational thinking and psychotherapy, in some cases anyway.

    From your description, it seems to me an issue of obsession (pointing to a long ago hurt in you that is not resolved) rather than a real life cheating.

    anita

    #106712
    Bebedough
    Participant

    Sorry, I did see I a later comment that you have now been to counseling on your own and together with “P” – atta girl! I hope it provides great benefit to you – and to you two together! If you two part ways, counseling will help to hopefully balance you both so it is as friendly as possible – especially for the kids!…but truly, I do hope that the counseling helps bring you two together and out of the present state of madness. 🙂 Cheers!

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