It’s true what you say, everything else become a a blur and I focus on him.

I think I can handle it either way, I think the problem is I might leave Brazil, but if he wants to start something, then naturally ill stay. I suppose this is adding to my lack of power and exacerbating the situation. But in reality I don’t know.

I also hate to think I’m holding out hope etc but it’s all in vainm. What if he’s waiting till the end of the trip cos he doesn’t want to tell me during and I become a total deadweight?

Well writing that I guess it doesn’t matter either way, I’m not finding out now anyway.

I just get confused too… Sometimes its like we are just waiting for security etc. I realise for example I still refer to him as my ex and not my lover or whatever. We need time.

Then sometimes I just think what’s the point, this is stupid. I’m the one who likes the other more and for me relationships like that don’t work …. But, is that just my negative mindset? My lack of trust?

I think I kind of can’t accept on some level that I just have to let him make his mind up. I’ve done as much as I can.

I also hate the idea that this was a waste of time…am I being an idiot? Or is his side of things an honest approach to the situation? He said he understands I want an answer and its frustrating. He said he wants to make sure in his mind.

yet I feel like s fool for having held on to the old relationship for so long. I think it’s clouding having a fresh start with him.

I started focussing on myself today but then I became vindictive and was imagining all the ways I could be mean to him when he says he doesn’t want anything with me. How ill enjoy blocking him etc…. all totally useless and unproductive in the end but I couldn’t escape it.

hi Anita,

So I was without internet and funnily enough came to the same conclusion. It felt liberating, even tho there is a part of me that feels so sad not to be in that relationship…I realised I really hadn’t let go before.

I mean all he says makes sense. He wants time to think about it, he does have feelings etc. Like he wants to use the trip to think about what he wants to do, he says we’ll have a big chat about it all at the end. Which is fine. We’d talked about just commit or not and not restart the weird distant for no reason relationship from before.

I told him last night I felt lost etc and I didn’t know who we were to each other. He said its fine to want an answer, but he just wants to think it over before committing. Importantly he said he didn’t feel pressured, which I was anxious about thinking I was.

Its annoying to have this imbalance. But I realised I do have all the others to interact with despite the langauge barrier and can just zone out and be myself. Which, us hard for me having had a real lack of self for so long….

in a way it’s all good. I feel my idenity, or sense of self, coming back to me looking at the mountains, feeling the wind etc. I felt free from just lurking around him.

And as I said at the start, I kind of realised ill be ok whatever happens as long as I just stick with my sense of self, I’ll be able to guide myself much better.

On the other hand, I’m still worrying about what I can do to help him come to his decision… Or influence it in anyway (which is impossible but I’m constantly tempted into oh I should avoid him etc).

A part of me, perhaps the internalized criticism from others, keeps saying oh you should just leave etc who loves someone and has to “think about it”…. But… I only saw him again 10 days ago so…

Anyway, thanks again.

Hi Anita,

Indeed I am on the trip. Lots of things triggering me but i think actually there isn’t much wrong other than my interpretation. He’s talking with his friends a lot but then, they’re his friends. I’m just sat underestimating my ability to talk in Portuguese and not joining in and isolating myself from him and all the others.

My old pattern with him would be blame him, resent him. So I think I’m improving. I notice every time he isn’t with me I’m thinking about why, what I’ve done, or how bad he is for not sticking to me 24/7. A friend of his wanted to practice English. He suggested they sit next to me a while and I died from abandonment… But us that really that bad?

These are the thoughts running through my head all day on the bus. There’s this beautiful scenery and I’m not there just chilling out but thinking this constantly…

Thanks Anita.

I’ve always struggled with anxiety. I had counselling for 2 years, aged 16-18, at school, which helped me get over crippling anxiety especially in the social realm. I went to university equipped well, and developed a lot. I think, at 21, I finally developed a full sense of self. Then, my father said something like “oh you’re going to visit Brazil becasue you’re gay, for the men, aren’t you?”, and it was so judgemental it crippled me. I think only today I realised that this was very hurtful, and really destroyed my sense of self.

This was a week before, indeed, I was going to visit Brazil, and to visit said guy. I had a month in Rio… slightly unattuned to my environment. I was aware of a lack of enjoyment. I was shy, hiding in my room, wasting the opportunity. Then, I went to visit him. I remember, the plane was about to land, and I was so excited, I was going to see him, get to know him, meet all his friends, go to parties, enjoy Brazil, reconnect with myself.

But, he was 2 hours late picking me up. So what, right? But for some reason, I couldn’t let it go (abandonment issues, I think, from early childhood and dad leaving etc). He arrived, but I was traumatized and so resentful towards him. I think he sensed this and withdrew slightly, and naturally, as we had only met 2 times prior to this. Our first meeting had been in 2013, for 3 days, totally out of hte blue, but heavenly. Then again a couple months later, when jealousy started to appear but I ignored it, blamed myself a lot tho. So I hadn’t seen him for nearly a year, and developed a lot in between when I saw him that time in summer 2014. But, I lost hte opportunity. I was so upset he was late, I ended up being upset the whole time, feeling this, feeling him being uncomfortable etc. But I couldn’t understand. Guilt, regret, frustration came in.

I think, after this, up to this very moment, I have lacked a strong sense of self. I didn’t even really know my issues until meeting him again and researching the feelings I was having, which was great but a little devastating too.

Well though, I know exactly what you mean. In a way, its a blessing that it is a long process, as so much healing and learning takes place. I remember this process at university. My sadness, bitterness, resent towards myself tho is because, I went through it and I feel like I lost it all, just because of my father. How could I have lost all that progress? I lost my conneciton to the world, the one exciting connection I made to another person that feels so deep even 2 years of no contact re-ignites it, i’m still sat here in a hump, carrying around all this “gunk” from before.

To use your metaphor of a toolbox (Which was very helpful actually, to think sometimes we just need another technique), I feel like mine is empty, save for “overthinking”, which is a bit like having a rubber knife in there… totally useless. Sheesh, I really hate myself for losing my healing ability. I feel my growth stopped and i’m in some sort of stasis.

Haha and my I write a lot I notice! But thank you for the attention.

Well, its a big university trip, indeed an extension course, of about 35 people. He invited me along when we had only just begun talking again. Indeed, we’re sharing the tent with one of his good friends, which is totally fine with me.