Hmm good question. Im glad you see her advice as a little mixed. I never quite knew who was behaving unreasonably, just like now, for the exact reason you stated. And well, I know he is fine alone… or do I in this moment im writing this.. do I fully believe that or am I projecting because its emotionally convienient? But seeing “he is impulsive” etc, I want to tell him this in some way, show him how the relationship isnt working. Otherwise… Idk. The fact he retreats, but says such words to me like in Chile? I get confused, I suppose like with my friend. Hot, cold.

Separation anxiety. Hmm. Im happy to see him again, when I see myself as going alone, I suppose. When its me living my life and meeting somone who is a part of it. But, in my current state, I sort of get pre-emptive separation anxiety, like I know i will be nervous in all those interactions where he does have to leave, go shower, talk to someone, meet a friend. While we are apart its acute, drifts away, is acute again, when I think about it. Sometimes its him posting a picture on instagram, triggers my anxiety for some reason.

But, when we said goodbye, last time I felt a relief, I could see a time to be alone and work on myself. I didnt respond when he said ” im on my way to my friends house, bye, love you”. I almost didnt respond again when I posted a pic of me at the airport and he said “good trip”!…. I was like ugh fine.  I didnt like, for the first time, that he had been affectionate. Before I would have loved such behaviour. I kind of wanted to reject it. He was acting like a bf then and I didnt want him too. (Perhaps he was expecting me to be more clingy since and doesnt know what im up to) I didnt reply for a long time as well when he asked me how the flight was. I wanted to focus on myself. I seem to crave his attention but when I get it… I dont anymore?

One of the times we talked since, I simply wished him a good time on his mini-trip to a farm. When afterwards he said “how are you?”, I actually winced, I just wanted him to say thank you. I didnt want a conversation with him because I knew how I would start feeling. I said hi on saturday, he replied fairly quickyl, I responded nearly a day later… not for any reason? Whats that?

Gosh! It makes sense! Its a total parallel… when its time for him to come near again… the anxiety spikes much more. Hence, a photo triggers it again, a thought about him triggers it again… constant separation anxiety. Dont come near me, you’ll leave again. Its painful and I dont understand it… ughh

Yeah…

I read this but I always return to a thought of “it’ll be ok in the end” with him. For some reason I have never accepted leaving him. Its like a lot of the other people on here, they struggle with that separation. My friend said this before, and I took it as pressure and expectations. He is indifferent, for whatever reason. I only wish I could help him see he doesnt have to be totally alone… I know thats his journey and I could only ever be a voice or advisor… not to convince him convienietly to be in love with me…

I’m seeing him again in a couple weeks, and I will discuss it with him, see for one final time if it will work. I see these signs the relationship is weak, we only talked 3 times since we parted after the trip. Last time even he said “we’ll talk soon”. I was upset because im his boyfriend, you dont say talk soon. Unless he meant it openly like in a couple days. I can talk to him too after all. Even so I told myself to chill out, gave myself a load of explanations as to why. Why do I make so many excuses? Is it because I can’t accept it wont work? So long, even when he had moved on and we werent talking, I was just waiting and waiting, never getting over him. Or there would be a sense of missed opportunity. I know I couldnt approach it in a calm collected way, and discuss and end, or a future. Only an argument arises in my head, and I know it doesnt have to be that way. Maybe in the context of hte serenity prayer, I feel like I would have been missing wisdom and would be impulsively dumping him, rather than a gentle realization, a growing thought, of “I cannot change him”. If I cannot change him, it is a release to finish. But, I falter at this point.

Indeed I have set a deadline or ultimatum, to myself, that if we meet and I suggest we try living together in the near future, and he drifts off again, I will for sure end it. I think im detecting that he will likely say that anyway, seeing his current distance behaviour. Those days after the trip? I was happy with this. Then, something changed, if I lose him, something went wrong, not right. I was content with any eventuality, now, i~m nervous. I was happy to keep him as a friend, now I’m either in love with him or ready to dump him out of my life. I know this ultimatum may come, and may go again. I will meet, my confidence will falter and I will just gravitate back to him. Weakness, and I know it wouldnt be healthy. I never know whether to try and help someone understand more about themselves… is there true love under there or is that what love and relaitonships are… much more common than I previously thought? Was the thrill, the pleasure, really a growth in myself I associated with him, and the dream of a life with him and I just cling to that even though we have both changed and perhaps were never meant to be?

I had an interesting reflection yesterday. I was writing a long message, full of ruminations, but actually, I realised soemthing important.

Beforehand, the relationship was so heavily based on a lonely, unsatisfied individual craving the attention and validation of someone else. That was what had tied me to him, a lot. I think now I’m doubtful because I’ve realised that i dont know what our relationship is now. Im ok with it as it is. I think I always wanted a good story, because in reality I am a strong independent person, I never wanted someone who is dependent on me, and vice versa. Now, Ive become that to the one person I wanted to be strong and independent with, maybe im disgusted at my own behaviour. The people I carry with me, they judge me, but I dont really care, it was my decision. At the same time, the shame wears me down so much, I dont love myself enough, so I cling too strongly to him.

I read old texts, that I had sent ot my friend, from about 3 years ago. The one who I blamed for giving me too many expectations, and actually, she was giving sound advice at the time. He should fight for the relationship, not be indifferent and pretend its all alright. (I would always send accusatory messages) And what was I talking about to her ? About almost the exact same feelings towards him as I have now. Anger, frustration, how dare he never talk, how dare he be so indifferent. And again, a knowledge that deep down i~’m not like that. A knowledge I can scream and cry and not change him. I spilled the frustration onto him. I didn’t chose to grow, to grow alone without him, or to grow and be there for him if he wanted to open up.

Yesterday too, I also saw that he withdraws, but I saw, anew, the man who opened up to me in Chile, and I saw someone terrified of commitment. I saw perhaps he actually acts like I do. I could message him and tell him how much I dont care about the relationship and how i’ll get the next flight out, f*** you! I started to analyse my behaviour and stop tirelessly examining his. I always wanted to be the person who understands. If I love him but htere are difficulties, they can be solved with empathy and understanding. Im just shouting and screaming. I saw too, he is confused because he still feels compelled to look after his mother and brother, even though they both have their own lives, their own businesses. Thats why he feels so drawn to go back home. I was doing the same, I realised, when he said to go live in Brazil with him… I stayed at home, “to look after” my parents.

Idk if, aside from myself, I should really see him as someone to work on or not. Maybe the relationship is doomed, or maybe this is the foundation of a strong bond. I know I give myself too much angst, but I think I have to admit, he has issues too. I realise ive told myself too much the relationship failed because of my failings, not his. This is harder as he evades. But even he seems to admit he is then drawn back to me. The issue is I write and I see all the other people who talk and talk but their relationship is perhaps over. Am I refusing to accept? Or am I more insightful and the relationship has a possibility?

Hi Anita

So I looked for some psychotherapists here, and went to see one yesterday. It was good, we identified the patterns of behaviour that cause me all this overthinking etc. She also isnt too expensive, I should be able to afford it somewhat. Should be good right? I left feeling better, and with a clearer head.

But, I feel guilty? I don’t know why? I also sort of feel much more lonely now. Unsettled. Is that a good thing?

I have contacted a few about prices etc, maybe I will go and have a few trial sessions and ask about prices.

I do have my counsellor here but I notice she just lets me speak and speak rather than inquiring and helping me to change how I think, as I quite obviously need.

Career wise… Idk. I’m living the career I wanted… to teach abroad in order to travel. But, I never asked myself if I enjoy either… I know I would on some level if I wasnt spending all my life concerned about something else. Instead im just sort of waiting. This is again a problem for my relationship, im waiting for him to make the step to create a life etc. To be fair, he wants to start a business together, which could be good. I like the idea of having a hostel or a school to run. I think I would like to be an academic or something but as he keeps saying he knows a lot of the professors at his local university so that could help me… but a part of me doesnt know if thats what I want to do… perhaps because all this time apart and constantly “imagining” rather than “living” a relationship makes it seem hard to come to life.

I always wanted to travel and travel then settle down. Now, I want to settle in a foreign country… so it appears all set in some senses.

Most certainly. I see my identity there. But I feel drawn back to them. To some comfort or soemthing, some moral victory? I see the image of my brother and the better relationship with my father he had… there’s a strong drive to keep them in my life. Perhaps because, as im writing im realisng this, I came all the way here to Brazil not really knowing why, just that Brazil was good as it was close to my, at the time, ex. I have not yet “arrived” here totally. Perhaps I am using them as a sort of “get of jail free card”, or a backstop should it go wrong. I know, as I write this, that that backstop should be me. But, its a big step. I don’t understand actually how on the trip I managed to step out… what did I do that meant I could return to the city and feel as i did?

Naturally talking to them returned me to how I felt before, but, im not talknig to them now and its back. Triggered thoughts I suppose.

Indeed… I feel some comfort in their presence, with them in my life. But that is not my identity… symbolically in so many parts of my life I am childish and sort of just waiting around… I don’t go out to socialize, I don’t go and find a hobby or activity to do. I realise, I have no life here. I was just waiting to talk to my bf again… and I still am. Im not going out to live my life, i’m just waiting… for their approval too maybe? They said they didn’t like i’d talked to my bf and reconciled… so now I am not liking him and constantly inventing arguments with him again about that, but am I really dissatisfied with him? Or am I feeling shameful because of what my parents said, and being so atached to them still, i’m trying to solve a problem in my head that doesn’t really exist? It extends to my life in general, but again i’m constantly thinking about my bf, or thinking about trying not to think about him again.

Thanks Anita.

Indeed, if you have any advice for me I will be glad to accept it and try my best to apply it to my life.

I know exactly what you mean. I had my stumbles with my old therapy. I remember I struggled a lot in my first year at university, the first few months of not being able to offload each week with the counsellor, it was very hard. I contemplated leaving unversity altogether. But I managed to pick myself up, and slowly drifted from my parents. It was that return, which, I had struggled with a university too, whether to break the bond on a more permanent basis. I remember I finished my final exams, and was planning to join my parents on holiday before going to brazil. Clearly, even after those 3 years I hadnt expunged that conflict (because I wasnt aware), and tried to say going on holiuday to see them was totally cool and natural. A good friend had told me to go on my own adventure, stay and get a little summer job. But, I was still drawn to my parents… after all, I felt so much better, I wanted to be an adult in front of them…

Ugh.. well, more insights but it helps me to forgive myself a little bit for what happened by finally understanding the shock.

Anyway, any advice on what to think or tell myself, even if it wont work instantly, is greatly appreciated Anita.

Thanks.

This is very true… its shame. When my father challenged me or spoke to me about going to BRazil the first time, mum was there… but she said nothing. She knew I was upset, but she said “I thought you needed to see how your father is”… she liked it I think because it vindicated her negative feelings to him, but regardless, she abandoned me. I was alone. I curled up into a ball when he said that. I was alone… afterwards, interestingly, dad said to my mother “give him a hug” – what a weird thing to say, but telling.

I dont know to get over this… I have spent a long time away from home, nearly 2 years now. But, not consistently. Last year I was home 4 times, for 2 months in the middle of hte year even. And, this whole 10 months in Brazil ive had the same pathways going over again and again. Perhaps this is how I should be using therapy… why do I need to feel like this… why does it matter what he says etc? I need to ask myself the right questions…

I can see solutions but Ive lost hte motivation to work at them. I can tell myself today, im just feeling ashamed, im just feeling anxious, but its not working, I fall back into this vacuum…. Indeed, today, back to the relaitonship, i~m needy again, constantly wanting to talk to my ex, ive forgotten my self-care, being myself, experiencing life like ive described in a few previous posts. Im just pre-occupied with him again. I can leave it alone. Anxiety? The dynamics we’ve been talking about? For sure… but, im sat here blaming him again.

Noticing actually, Im getting angry at him for the sort of reasons im actually angry at my father for…. how dare you abandon me… when he hasnt, he just hasnt talked to me all day everyday. I keep thinking about it, the relationship, I should leave it, that will be my magic moment of freedom… but I know id end it, feeling the same about my bf and still unsatisfied.  It would be an impulse to break up… Short term release… of frustration? Id be venting it on him… “youve made me so anxious and annoyed by not talking to me! take that!”… but, if I think of a relationship I want, its fine because I have my space.

Who do I really want to get rid of? Is it dad? Am I projecting? I remember a long time ago actually my other therapist (a bad one who I enver got on with), in one of the few good sessions, I came out almost crying at all the resentment and frustration I had pushed onto my bf (When we were together before). I apologised to him for treating him like my dad… 3 years later and im back to where I was… but, Im saying this, but not believeing it. Im not admitting to myself that the frustration is as such.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Ben.