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  • in reply to: Love lost #430724

    Well, I suppose in reality I am in control of whether or not I think this fear is valid. Others can tell me yes or no… maybe that’s the message here… what if I just decide to believe it is alright?

    in reply to: Love lost #430721

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Passive aggressive behaviours, yes, that’s a good way to describe it. Now I’m left in utter panic and the only thing I’ve been able to think about all day for the last week is the status of the relationship. The same way that he says its fine, I’m in doubt that it is. I can’t take his word for it in a positive way.</p>
    So too on the contrary. So many things he says I’m ready to be offended. But to such a silly extent. He’ll make a comment or criticism, however accurate or not. But it’s instantly evidence that he will soon break up with me. No matter how much he says to the contrary.

    I cant imagine how tedious that must be for him. When he visited it was fine, then a slight disconnect (from my perspective) after he got back, and I was already justifying pushing him away, being depressed/down beat, being defensive towards him.

    I’d  thought it was me resenting the distance but idk, I feel like it’s so unnecessary.

    He turned off his online status on WhatsApp, for example. He said it was partially other people pestering him while he’s studying, but also, after I asked him if it was because of me, because I kept mentioning he had been online but not replied to me. I see myself doing these sorts of things and think how absurd they are, if a friend was doing it I’d really caution against it. Yet I’m the dog with the bone again.

    He said too it’s hard to want to talk for a long time when all I talk about is how upset I am, or how my life is unhappy etc. Especially when really… there isn’t anything wrong with it.

    I want to reestablish a warmer connection with him. He said just to live, let life flow etc. I don’t know what to tell myself so I don’t throw away something that otherwise gave me happiness and satisfaction.

    in reply to: Love lost #430707

    They do resonate, I had wondered sometimes if I had BPD. A friend of mine knew someone diagnosed with it, and she (the friend) said how they were talking about people in a very positive way, then something happened and instantly they were untrustworthy, horrible, a snake etc. I think I can see some characteristics of me doing that too, perhaps more so than my parents. Not that I’m not in control of such behaviours, but the emotional forces behind them overwhelms me easily. Rather than have a reaction, let’s say, and simply choose to act on that or not, I become overwhelmed with vengence, or betrayal or some such emotion.

    At the same time my reactions remind me of that of a child, where they in a way can’t handle their emotions/reactions and get into a bit of a state.

    I think my mother never had these behaviours towards me, however, and so in that way, it was lucky. We’re all on the spectrum for some disorder, maybe she is a bit further up than others. I think a strong dividing line is that she didn’t have this towards everyone all the time. She was fiercely protective of me rather than involving me in the great betrayal – along with my sibling, and her close friends – they were “in the circle”. I think her having a tough time when I was around 10/11 (a great deal of family issues amongst other things) led her to be this way. My father says she never used to be like this. Indeed as a young child I don’t even remember her saying stuff like that. It was only when I was a teenager that it really got worse – those years where my view of the world is formed, but some more important relationships are formed. Just as her view and experience of the world was worsening, mine was being cemented, and I was alone with her an awful lot. I maybe have a decent base but a lot of this paranoid thinking sprinkled on top. Nonetheless, I think seeing it in a frame of a disorder helps. At least to see it as “disordered behaviour”. I remember doing the same with myself previously – seeing, thinking and feeling when my behaviour (anxiety, let’s say) was perhaps leading me astray.

    I think it can give me some hope, certainly in trying to recognize these thoughts as they arise. I keep remembering my therapist saying about how we “reproduce” the behaviours of those we live with (I think I said it a couple days ago). I can see more and more it’s a sort of hangover from that. I remember a time, when I was happy and at university, when I could be a good steward of my thoughts, and tell unpleasant/unneeded ones to go on their way. But now i’m a little more unstable/unsure of myself and that process is much harder. But, I think, to know that these thoughts that are so thoroughly unpleasant fundamentally don’t need to be acted/thought upon does help.

    Returning to the relationship with my boyfriend, I have entered a sort of paranoia, but not over his trustworthiness, but over the impacts of my behaviour. I can sense he is a little more distant, sharing less with me. We reconciled mid-way through this week, then had an argument, over the stupidest, minor thing, on Friday. We sent audio messages after, I said i’m sorry and that in a way these don’t mean much to me. He sent one back saying the same, and that these things won’t kill his love for me. But gosh, I feel such a fool. I regret so much all the guarded behaviour, gatekeeping to my feelings, rolling my eyes at his attempts to create closeness – ignoring his calls when it wasn’t convenient for me, for example. He still calls of course.

    Again, thoughts deceive me, I dont know if it really is water under the bridge for him, and now it’s an anxious attachment phase that i’m stuck in, going “is he really more distant?”. Even if he was, it would be understandble, and the best way for us to return to a normal baseline is for me to reduce the intensity of my emotions and let it come back naturally. I can’t just constantly seek reassurance after causing a minor rift.

    I’m writing this and remembering what you said a couple days ago, that the inner child is dominant in me. I see some sort of childish behaviour here too. I remember sometimes I could be very insistent as a child, determined and willful, but this clashed with my parents who were just the same. Sometimes it would annoy them, but they would also react like a child – they wouldn’t ignore me, but they wouldn’t offer reassurance sometimes, it would be something that haunted (haunts) me to this day. This seeking reassurance from my boyfriend reminded me of this. But it’s like i’m determined to hear him say it again and again until I feel better. If I don’t here it, it means I have killed out relationship and all those bad things will come true.

    But in reality, maybe just acting like normal, waiting for the daily call etc, is fine. Maybe I don’t have to try and ring him as soon as he is free, desperate for reassurance. But then, he was always so communicative and now he’s quieter, which he says is because he’s studying. I worry if I give him space this will become the norm and I will have lost a part of him, so instead i’m desperately trying to explain myself to him…

    in reply to: Love lost #430653

    Definitely is a good fit for my mother, and for me. I think her constant suspicion of my father, and blaming almost everything on him, did do a number on my ability to trust people. It seemed he was constantly betraying her, undermining her and by extension, me. I think only in the last couple of years have I seen both of them objectively – my father included.

    Profoundly cynical view of others and the world – me and my mother – in different ways. Her’s is much more deeply suspicious,  I try to forgive the world or “bite the bullet” and dive in to see if it really will betray me. But I think sometimes the hypervigilance mentioned in the next line after this kicks in and i’m creating the betrayals.

    They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain – I think this perhaps fits me better than my mother. In social contexts I was constantly like this for many years, my only lines were complaining about my father, or how bad everything was/is. Frequently complaining – unfortunately a large number of people have told me I do this, including my boyfriend (where I think it extinguishes his very optimistic attitude and leaves him feeling almost depressed after “talking to me” – where sometimes it’s just me on a tirade against petty little things).

    They may appear guarded and secretive, very rational, logical, and unemotional, but at times will be sarcastic, hostile, and rigid – yes, again. For me this is 100%, I am guarded with him, when I think about it. I still don’t fully consider myself to be in a relationship with him, almost regarding it as a cynical ploy – something might happen (not will, but might, based on the past) – therefore, act like you don’t care. This means I make sarcastic jokes all the time with him, almost mocking his commitment to me. Rather than it being the odd poke in the ribs about something, it’s nearly everyday a “joke” reminding him of his past errors. Rational, logical – yes, these too. I wonder sometimes if I’m autistic in someway with the sort of coldness I treat him and others. I empathize with them, but sometimes outright say that this idea someone has is stupid. Not with friends or acquaintances – but with my boyfriend, yes.

    They will be highly critical of others, but will respond to criticism of themselves with hostility or defensiveness… Again, yes. Since I was a child, criticism was a hurtful experience, I could barely take any – it still hurts to do so even to this day. And of course, I am very critical of others, in certain contexts. I managed to let some of it go and don’t care as much about people in general (as in, caring about criticizing them), but again, I can easily criticise my boyfriend to his face.

    will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening – yeah, very often. I think i’ve had to actually learn that often it’s not the case and people are just joking.

    Grudges, goodness! I hold them against anyone. I have ammunition to fire away at anytime. I never let it go. Sometimes I manage to, in the conversation perhaps, but then it will reappear the next time my temper is raised.

    Knowing this, I wish I could let some of it go, but how? I should be making the changes to remove these. I’ve spent an awful lot of time alone – especially after the pandemic, and I think these unfortunate habits haven’t been properly challenged. My previous therapist never said anything in sessions other than hello and goodbye (another waste of money!). When it was just me it was fine but I can’t treat someone i’m in a relationship with this way – especially how I am now, acting as if it’s his problem!

    in reply to: Love lost #430518

    I’d written this reply too, but left it on another tab! :


    Im inclined to agree, it’s what i’ve been feeling too when I try to reflect and take myself out of the situation per se.

    All the things I’m making myself worry about are so absurd at the same time as they could, “on paper” be an issue. I think previously I was content to sort of see how it goes – and I kept telling myself “focus on what’s in front of me” – but I keep slipping back into that well-trodden path of anxiety. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m surprised even at myself for triggering myself so frequently.

    I’m constantly creating resentments too – reminding myself of ways I could be being taken advantage of or how I could be pulling cotton wool over my eyes. I remember my current therapist said we can “reproduce” what our parents do or did, or what those we live with do as well. Me living with my parents probably doesn’t help, I write this and see a lot of it is very similar to my mother and my father – my mother constantly acting as if my father is trying to undermine her/outwit her or take advantage. Things that probably he did do a long time ago but now I don’t really see it like that – he just wants to try and enjoy his last years. My mother has a lot of baggage – she holds on to receipts from supermarket shops from years ago – he tries to encourage her to throw them out, she screams about something of hers he threw away 20 years ago – he learned his mistake and doesn’t touch her stuff, but she can’t let that injustice go.

    I write that as it’s almost my experience too – I can’t let anything go and I can’t get into a situation where I might have to. Funnily enough, remembering the Catholic element – an “immaculate” conception – it’s as if my record must be immaculate. I can’t have any risks or anything like that hovering in my life. My boyfriend made mistakes, as anyone does, but I can’t seem to forgive him even as time marches on. I have to sort of deconstruct everything he does to make sure there isn’t a sign of this or that in his behaviour, so that there is no risk of betrayal or upset.

    in reply to: Love lost #430512

    Hi Anita

    I’m inclined to agree, to the extent I could almost hear your response as I was typing it!

    Yesterday I could tell in the call with him he was starting to bear some resentment towards me because of my constant gloominess as of late. Having borne much myself to many people I could see the signs straight away. He said sometimes its like trying to fill in a hole that is impossible to fill. Or leading a thirsty man to water yet he refuses go drink. Having borne much myself to many people I could see the signs straight away. Towards the end I said that this mood between us was creating distance between us, he agreed.

    I think the problem is that even though I’m trying to deal with it maturely sometimes, like saying “I think this is pushing us apart” – not arguing or shouting it at him – it’s still almost like, as you said, a part of me refuses to accept love. Sniffing around like a dog trying to find the break up line. Rather than find a solution or a resolution (or even just let these feelings go!), where I don’t keep opening up this topic for the millionth time, I just find another reason to keep the doubt and anxiety alive. So much so that now he is actually getting annoyed!

    I can tell he’s getting tired of my (persistent) bad moods. It’s a toxic cycle we find ourselves in. My day to day is fine but the calls are now fraught (for me), will I disappoint him or will I purposely interpret something negatively?

    I find it ironic (though painfully) that in my last relationship with someone unattached, distant etc I had infinite patience and always had explanations. Yet with this guy who I love and has shown he wants to commit etc (he even chose all his classes as morning classes this term because we call in the evening!), I’m constantly trying to pick it apart. Like when a cat gets stuck in something and pulls its head back, wriggling, I’m constantly doing that – allergic to just going with the flow.

    So too is it ironic about faith. As my therapist said, no one is obliging him to be with me. Yet I’ve gotten to the point of saying “Oh you want to break up then?”. The reality I have with him calls for a leap of faith, in a way but its like I’m “protecting myself” from that. But whenever was love about protecting yourself from it?

    I will admit that I think he doesn’t quite know how to handle depression. He will say things like reminding me I haven’t gone to the gym. Things that realistically aren’t a criticism but for a sensitive mind will instantly be forwarded to the “reasons why he hates me” department. I think that partially explains my defensive stance in calls as of late… which just adds to the cycle. We start a call and I’m stone faced, he sees that and that lowers his mood. I’ve had it the other way… a depressed person doesn’t make for great conversation. I was reading about depression and relationships, and sure enough the other often feels desperate after all their attempts to help come to nothing and this can turn into anger and resentment. I can see that’s exactly what’s happening. This too provokes worry! Even though the solution could easily be “take a breath, think of how nice it can be, and has been”, – letting go of these constant tests or doubts –  instead of trying the solution for a while, the mere fact I’m here means I must doubt the entire relationship. Something he says he’s never done.

    Perhaps there is a prospect that it’s no longer working. But I think what frustrates me is that I’m not giving it my best shot. Not like “Oh only i was wrong, it’s all my fault”, he could have a better attitude. But my anxieties have been winning and getting the better of me. I don’t want to end something because of that, because that would be an utter waste. Though as I write this I think of all the people who write these things with eternal optimism and then, a few pages later, “we broke up”… but then again… is that me being pessimistic again? ! Ahh!

    Its like I don’t know what’s valid. What feelings are valid. Part of me says ahhh just chill out, he’s still there. Another part is constantly adding things to a list, constantly saying “you’re ignoring signs, it’s so obvious”. I have no idea where to draw the line. AHH

    in reply to: Love lost #430345

    Back again after some weeks.

    We’re still together, the visit here was fine overall. We argued sometimes, bickered etc but mostly it had a lot of love in – I felt genuinely sad to see him go, and he even said “I don’t want to leave”. We even discussed, albeit with the intention of doing so, him staying here instead of keeping with his studies.

    I was a bit upset after he left, I can see in a way it was perhaps a bit like “how can he not have been utterly devastated!?” – he said that it’s easier for him as he starts a new year, goes back to his normal life, I had him in my normal life, and now am missing something (him), so naturally I’ll feel sadder as i’ve lost something. I understood him, he said when I had left him after my visit (nearly a year ago now), he’d stayed in his room for a week and cried a lot, while after i’d come back and I hadn’t really registered it at all. Yet, my mind made me think it was unfair!

    I’ve remembered these past weeks (it’s been about a month since he went back) what you said before about how I struggle to believe i’m loved, and I think it’s a bit of that. The classic psycotherapy trick – what’s the evidence? – doesn’t really hold true. He still calls every day, and has gotten upset that it’s always him calling me (I wait for him to call, always). I’m planning to go visit him in July, only a couple months away, and he wants to come visit me again in December – six weeks earlier than last time, so i’d be with him nearly three months.

    We’ve had some arguments, heated conversations etc and i’ve been the one asking him if he wants to break up – which he always responds to incredulously as if the notion is absurd. I think it’s a bit of defensive “pre-empting” on my part, because every time I say it, I don’t really mean it. Even so, I put these arguments down to simply being in a phase where the honeymoon period has faded a bit, we’ve seen each other and liked it a lot but then now we’ve had to be apart from one another again. I think I resent the distance a bit – maybe him too? (how dare he, really, not be sad about it!).

    I think the reason for posting again is mostly myself. I don’t really doubt his intentions, I doubt… myself? Or my intentions? Sometimes, I wake up and think it’s all fine, how marvelous it is. Then I think it’s all foolish and i’m being utterly naive and delusional, or that he is. I remind myself i’m still supporting him, and I think that causes a big resentment because I feel it causes an uneven balance – I feel like he owes me, even though I’m fully aware that that’s a very unhealthy attitude, and I don’t actually think he does. But, when I get frustrated, that voice is there “gosh, Ben, and you’re paying for this!?” . I never tell anyone I am.

    I worry about the time too. Distance can be fine, but 4 years of this? He’s in Argentina of all places, one of the worst places to try and move to and get a job right now, even if I did it would barely support us. I feel I made decisions that were all because of love and emotion and feelings. And now the reality of the situation has hit and i’m totally lost.

    I love him, easier and more openly than anyone else, and I believe he loves me too. I don’t want to give up something that feels this good and that can come along so rarely. But I think a part of me is really doubting if it can really work, keep working, if it can last. The hardest question keeps cropping up – do I want this? I never know if I have a real answer.

    4 years is a long time. But even then, husbands went to war and all was fine afterwards… I don’t know what to believe. I think I can do it, then I doubt it’s all worth it. I think since he’s gone back it’s become a bit more normal for him in general – as we now know a decent amount about each other, the conversations have gotten a bit samey “How was studying” – “How was work”. I don’t mind that but then sometimes we just sit and don’t talk much. My mind is screaming “what’s the point of this?!” – I worry if that’s a sign it’s not worth it anymore. I ask myself “What is this adding to my life?” – security, the knowledge that someone loves me. These are important, even the daily call shows someone cares about me. But I don’t know… I worry it’s just all about “the future” – which is a long way off. The day to day? I don’t know.

    I’ve tried several times to mention it to him, I say how hard I think it will be – he just says something like “gosh, I hope these years pass quickly”. He is very optimistic, but I resent him for that response because it just seems naive to me. He reminds me he had some other long-distance relationship that lasted a couple of years and “that was fine” – but that was different time, people – that time he and the other partner at least lived in the same country. I feel like he just prefers to not think about it – a cultural failing, Brazilians prefer to think that negatives just don’t exist if you don’t think about them – but I can’t do that.

    As an aside, even beliefs seem to get on my nerves. I think I said before he’s very religious (grew up in a small town in the interior). It being Easter of course is a more religious time, and he said any children he cares for will go to church with him. I’m not intolerant of other beliefs, but that really irritates me. His whole attitude this Easter has irritated me – I just find it so… frustrating! Especially when he’s in a gay relationship and doesn’t see any issues with being a whole hearted defender of Catholicism?! I tried today as gently as possible to talk to him about it, he said oh it’s about love thy neighbour, the church is just men and not necessarily representative. So why believe in all the other stuff? Why not just have your own relationship with God if it’s so important? Maybe it’s my Anglo-Saxon disposition – the US and UK have created so many other forms of Christianity, maybe it’s actually just a cultural thing and i’m sorta misinterpreting it.


    in reply to: Love lost #426611

    Oh it makes a lot of sense Anita. It really does.

    I’ve found myself agreeing with you, and the more rational side of my mind all the time. The fear overwhelms me somewhat.

    I maybe have a lot of pressures…

    One, I paid for his flight… maybe i’m feeling like “he’s got me wrapped around my finger”. I feel foolish for doing so, yet it wasn’t some big gesture I made to try and make him closer to me. I wanted to see him, he wanted to come see me, and well, we know he doesn’t have any money. I’m living at home with parents so what difference does it make. He’ll be here 6 weeks, if I visited him while working we’d have only 2 weeks together was my thinking. But gosh I feel so embarrassed to admit that, I haven’t told anyone, but in my mind I am conscious of it and it makes me so nervous. Does it need to make me nervous or anxious? I have no idea. I’d wanted to see him again and the time felt right, otherwise it would have been another few months.

    Second… I was thinking today that I’m perhaps nervous about “what if it all goes wrong?” – he gets bored of it here, with me working, the gloomy winter weather… what if he’s just thoroughly bored of it all? Or i’m not able to spend time with him? Or, what if my anxiety takes over, and I start seeing things that aren’t there?! What if he wants to do something alone, and I interpret it as he’s bored of me and can’t wait to get home? What if that intepretation is right? Or wrong?!

    I say this… and then try to deploy the technique “What’s the evidence?” – well… none really. He says he’s really excited about it, and just wants to spend all his time here with me, hugging me. A while ago he said “I don’t want to go and see anywhere over there, I just want to spend my time with you”. I work from home a few days a week, and he said “so while you work, I’ll study for my exam i’ll have when I get back” – so even when i’m working we’ll be together.

    Another pressure: part of me perhaps worries about a repeat of last time – remember… my ex visited the same time of year (gloomy winter), I was nervous, clingy, insecure (in that case, 100% rightly!) and was desperately trying to revive a relationship that had already gone off bloom. He was already distant and aloof by the time of his visit – it was if anything a desperate attempt to give life to the relationship. This time? Well… I don’t really see any behaviour from his side that indicates he is ambivalent.

    Yet… I worry so much! I tell myself all the time, there’s nothing wrong, nothing amiss. As you say, I end up creating something amiss in my head most of the time. He sends a picture of an ice cream he bought. It has two spoons in it. A totally meaningless fact…that to me might mean he’s with someone! I jokingly say “ohh two spoons” – he says he gets two cos one always breaks… Why must I constantly doubt? It’s funny for a while, at the beginning of a relationship, a flirty way of saying “please don’t see anyone else” – but I can sense in him it’s slowly getting old. “When are you gonna stop making jokes like that?” he asks me sometimes.

    It’s horrible because… I know my fears don’t make any sense. Up until about 2 weeks ago, fears of all these colours would arrive, and I would show them on their way. Since he’s been visiting his family though, i’ve been wracked with anxiety. Is it perhaps the age-old problem of being jealous of your partner’s family? I was upset a little that he wasn’t talking as much as usual, but then… he hasn’t seen his family for nearly a year! Why would he spend hours chatting to me? Especially when, of his 9 weeks holiday, he’s spending 6 weeks with me! Yet there I am, stamping my feet demanding (in my head, not to him) that I am informed of everything he’s doing – but for what gain or purpose? None!

    Gosh I read your capital letters ALERT. I remember now… hyper-vigilance. Somehow, i’ve booted my “hyperactive” anxiety – the panic mode.

    This all started two weeks ago- He goes for a drink and forgets to look at his phone for an hour (After i’d not really talked to him for like 5 hours) – I get upset because he then wasn’t ready for our daily call when I was ready (eye roll emoji time!). Then the next day was my work’s christmas party and two women talk about their cheating husbands who walked out on them… just as i’m drunk – so I decide what happened between me and him is of similar calibre and have a long argument with him… for no real gain. Then he’s off to visit his family and we don’t have the normal pattern of communication… whereby usually I settle back into confidence with him.

    What am I really worried about? I suppose my OCD tendencies and anxiety have ganged up on me a bit here. Mixed with the attachment issues it’s a wonderful party going on inside my amygdala ! I’m creating all sorts of negative opinions of myself, of him, of the future, and having to prepare myself for all. And then of course feeling a fool for doing so!

    Instead of just… loving him?!

    A long tirade ahaha. I am having therapy – a few months with a really good one, and slowly many revelations are coming through…

    in reply to: Love lost #426406

    Thanks Anita, and for you too!

    I was thinking to write here the other day.

    I’m finding doubts are becoming quite pernicious. The other day I argued with him about what happened with his ex, perhaps I got into the range of asking questions I’d never want to know the answer to. At the work Christmas party two female colleagues were talking about their husbands who left them. Maybe this triggered me, and I asked him “Did you have sex with him when he was there?! “. I’m not sure what my plan was there, if he said no I’d still have doubted him and if he said yes I’d have felt betrayed… even though this all happened 4 months ago now. The wound is still healing and I guess it’s normal to flare up every now and then.


    Still, I was talking to another friend about him, a friend who had always been a little skeptical about him. My fills me with doubts, saying I am being deceived, led on, that I am being naive. If all the drama with thr ex happened, how could I have been loved? It makes me feel like the guy I’m in love with is just enjoying me.


    Maybe some of my own doubts and reservations mingle in the midst of this too. I sometimes wonder if he really does love me or if perhaps he thinks he does. He says the right things, and I feel better. Then, doubt comes along and I start thinking “Oh but did he say this to the other guys?”. He tells me no, that I’m the first person where he feels jealousy and somewhat possessive. He said before his ex would try to provoke jealousy by hanging out with other guys, but he wouldn’t care. With me he says it drives him crazy when I even mention it.


    Still, love isn’t jealousy, of course. At the moment, he is coming to visit in January for a while. He’s midway through the winter break, visiting family. I can sense he’s giving me less attention. I drive myself mad with this. “Of course, makes sense, he’s surrounded by family, on his grandparents farm, working and helping around. Obviously he won’t have his phone on all the time nor be available to talk”. Even so, he’s called me more or less twice a day for the last week. He sends videos every now and then showing me around the farm and countryside.

    My mind focuses on the fact the calls are shorter. Then, enter the conspiratorial thoughts… ohhh he’s not talking as much because, now he isn’t alone in his room studying, he doesn’t need me anymore. This proves he doesn’t love me, merely thinks he does.


    I don’t know what to trust anymore or what to believe. My friend seems to think its a classic case of someone defending a hopeless relationship, with what to him are incredibly unstable foundations. I find myself believing him and not believing him… my struggle to believe someone loves me working on the former, me being more “rational” working on the latter.


    Maybe as its been a long time I feel a need to reconnect with him properly, without the ex lurking in the background. I hope the visit will help ease my mind somewhat.

    in reply to: Love lost #423614

    I’m struggling a little with where to draw the line on some things with him.

    For example, we usually call at about the same time each day. Today he left the library and said “heading home”. I got prepared and then he said “Oh we’re going to the bar to have a drink” with his classmates.


    I think the feelings and thoughts I had in reaction to this tell a lot.


    One view of it was “Oh, OK, sure, you have your life there. You aren’t doing this all the time and that’s fine. I’ll probably miss a call once in a while too if I’m visiting friends or family. No biggie between to adults”.

    The other view “Oh he knew we call at that time and yet he decided to go and have a drink? He doesn’t care about me. I am not his priority”

    Another week, he’d been studying with friends (it’s always on a Saturday my anxieties explode). I embarrassed myself with how anxious I got that he was fine with (just for that one day) not having a call. Apparently the 6 other days that week, where he called me and we talked in each one for at least 2 or 3 hours… that left my mind. I got so upset he left early to come home and phone me. As soon as he said he was leaving I felt such a fool and so embarrassed.

    So today this happens, he goes and has a drink, sends pics, says he’s talking about me.

    I naturally felt sad I wouldn’t get to call him today, I’d travelled to France to see my parents and had wanted to talk about it so maybe that added an extra layer of emotion.

    But I think that was then picked up on by my longer running anxieties. Of not really being loved but by it being an illusion.

    I think I link things together and create perhaps plausible but not necessarily helpful situations. He’s impulsive but not completely ridiculous but then I use that in my head to create the idea that he doesn’t really love me he’s just saying it cos it feels good or something. Even though… he calls all the time etc.

    I worry too that I have the potential to almost turn into his ex when my anxieties get the better of me. I see myself sulking and sending big-bottom-lip passive aggressive comments and go “what are you doing you maniac?!”. Yet I also sometimes feel I have to say it? Even though as i see myself type (i only act like this in texts, never video calls) I know its not the right thing to do. But, it’s as if I am taking charge, almost… but really that sort of beahviour sets a course to slowly lose control.


    in reply to: Love lost #422856

    Hi Anita

    It’s been an interesting time, for sure.

    The first week back “together” was very weird for me. It was what I had wanted, but I realised all the trust I had for him before, that was so implicit, was now all in doubt. I didn’t know if I believed him, trusted him, if it was both or neither or just one.

    I realised it would be a journey to trust him again, and that felt natural. It was only a few days after starting up again. He was showing the right signals. He said he would gingerly break up with his now ex, and was calling me everyday.

    But still, it felt a little weird. As I had said to him, for him it was a moment of clarity to realise how he felt about his ex and about me. A “lightening” moment. For me… it was a bit like “oh… I had thought I would be over the moon”. I realised I was now much more protective of myself and guarded. I noticed that while I felt the same deep down, in my heart etc, up at the mind’s eye I was slow to get back into it, perhaps slower than I expected. I worried I wouldnt be able to love him again for a while, but that did pass as we re-connected.

    We’ve been mostly ok since then, he is going to “formally” finish it with his ex with a conversation, though he has some finances wrapped up with him for a while which he told me about. A couple of credit cards etc. I understand that and that that area means they will have to communicate for a while.  He said he felt a bit sad about it because after all, it was someone he was in communication with everyday. But still, he is open about all of it with me.

    I think though that there is now an insecurity in me that I didn’t have before. That implicit trust I had with him before, ironically seeing as he was actually in a relationship, has sort of been toned down. I find myself doubting him with no evidence. I find myself seeing only negatives or doubts or worries rather than a balanced view. Not always, and of course, it doesn’t overwhelm me, but I realise I am fighting these more than before. It doesn’t overwhelm me, it is not my default mode. But they are sneakily there in the background sometimes.

    What also doesn’t help is he seems to get nervous when I mention that, just as it was hard to “leave” him, it was also sort of hard to get back together with him. I try to explain to him that it is just a matter of rebuilding trust (hard to gain, easy to lose) – but I think his insecurities get the better of him and he gets nervous and impatient. A few days ago he took it quite hard and thought I was saying I didn’t love him anymore.  I reminded him that I could quite easily have told him where to shove it if I had indeed not loved him. His insecurities don’t overwhelm him either, I manage to reassure him most of the time. In fact, usually these conversations start off a little defensive or confrontational, but we nearly always gravitate naturally towards making each other laugh again, which I hope is a good sign.

    I think for him it was a “lets just pick up where we left off” and he didn’t quite realise that it was the start of yet another process for me. My anxieties sometimes get the better of me but I do manage to take control before confronting him with them and try to evaluate them and turn them into something constructive.  Still they do get the better of me sometimes and I find myself just sending silly doubts and embarrassing myself. I feel like that is not my default mode with him, it’s a little bit of that anxiety, helplessness and longing from our time apart running out of me and craving his attention, in what is an otherwise fairly healthy communication pattern. I hope it can be resolved as it frustrates me.

    in reply to: Love lost #422488

    Yeah, it’s a valid point. I don’t see him actively wanting drama.

    But I would say he has fallen for some drama queens, perhaps from some kind of trauma, I’m guessing? The uncertainty of his father, who beat him, but who was then simply normal (if totally unloving towards him)… maybe that chaotic attachment lives oon.his mother was loving, warm, cared for him. So did his grandparents, who is he devoted to.

    Having heard him talk about previous experiencs, he certainly doesn’t like the drama. I think another part of him deeply craves a stable life. I can see he wants to do the best he can, with his gestures and with his love. I think the drama tired him. “I hate drama” he often said. Usually followed by some ridiculous argument with his then boyfriend.

    in reply to: Love lost #422477

    Yes, sorry! He is the love interest. The boyfriend/ex is the other guy.

    in reply to: Love lost #422475

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>He didn’t say it directly but I think it was in his mind, he said “I know him, he wasn’t just making drama”. Perhaps not an explicit threat, but a sort of implicit one used by his ex to control him.</p>
    He said before he had had a girlfriend who threatened suicide after they broke up, which perhaps is a fear he now has that is triggered.

    in reply to: Love lost #422444

    And sorry, to reply more directly to your reply, I agree, yes. It needs a practical idea/aim/goal to really be worth it.

    We had originally planned for me to use this job to save up money to support us. I would support him while I work here and save, then potentially in a year or so I would go to move there. (Thankfully Argentina is very cheap, at least at the moment). He said “of course we will have our own apartment”. He seemed to readily revive this plan.

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