Hi again Jay

Thank you for the response. Yes I do agree certain behaviours stem from our upbringing without recognising the underlying reason of what shapes us as a person. I think acknowledging that is important but I still believe each action anyone chooses, and each thought, is controlled by no one but the individual themselves.

I have had a lot of therapy from 14 years until about 20. In the past year I returned to therapy though I didn’t find it useful. Originally I did an intensive program in order to be released from the mental health ward, which I didn’t want help at the time and didn’t try to help myself. I started one on one therapy after, which to some degree was helpful. I stopped going as I don’t think we were the right fit for eachother. I was looking at starting back up soon, I’ve made an enquiry about a program that helps put a few strategies in place.

I have tried to fill the void in other ways. I’ve starged reading a lot of self growth books and spending more time to myself. Cycling and enjoying my own company. I never used to like my own company because of my thoughts. I have stopped actively dating, usually I would have someone lined up to avoid the recent breakup, but I am coming to terms with trying to deal with my emotions.

I am very emotionally driven and I cannot control them. If logically I know a decision is bad, I will follow my emotions and do it anyway, usually resulting in a worse outcome. To be honest, I think I am really lost. I want to be happy with who I am, and not be so impulsive or have to try fix other people’s actions because I know they don’t define me, I just allow myself to think they do.

Many thanks

Update: I’ve back tracked. I don’t know why I did it but I messaged the toxic one and asked if she had seen or spoke to my best friend since. She said both. I said I thought after them saying sorry and realising it hurt me that I was surprised, and she said what did I expect when I had blocked them both and didn’t want them in my life. I guess I just assumed that they would try repair the damage after saying sorry and not continue it. Either way I know I need to let it go and I font know why I let it consume me again.

THEN, I sent a message to the special one, a long message along the lines of saying I know I have hurt you and I know it’s a long shot, but would she consider giving us a go. Apologised for the hurt I caused and that we have the potential to be something special. It’s like I’m setting myself up to fail because she has told me before it was over each attempt. She hasn’t read it yet due to the time difference as she’s now back home in another country

THEN, I ordered 6 roses to her house and it said:

You’re all kinds of beautiful, from the inside out, that I’ve never seen before. “Into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in” C.A. Duffy

It’s like as soon as things go bad I shift my attention somewhere else. I know my feelings are genuine with her, but I seem to invest more time and fight for something as soon as I have time to think. I think maybe a combination of both the situations have got me down and I’m constantly focusing on one of the two.

I want to respect her wishes, and clearly I’m not doing that by sending flowers or a long message.

Thanks Anita. That’s very true, I guess I am the only one who is able to choose the way I let something affect me. It’s just hard in the moment to practice this, logically I know I need to take some time out and calm down but when I’m feeling a certain way I find it hard to step outside of that.

My manager pulled me aside yesterday and said ‘Can I throw your resignation in the bin’. I said ‘I can’t unresign’, and he said ‘well if it’s in the bin I never received it, I told you you’re valued here, talk to me next time don’t just up and leave’. My company is very good to me. I’ve been there for 5 years and they have been very understanding.

In regard to the best friend, she knew it wasn’t over with the ex as she knew I was intimate with her just the other week. I just feel morally I would never go there with a friends most recent ex, or ex in general if there were feelings involved. I want to forgive her, but I just don’t feel I can trust her now. She had been such a good friend to me, as I had been to her, but that’s why I think I can’t move past it, because it hurt a lot. When we spoke about it her apology didn’t seem awfully genuine, it was just reasons as to why it was okay. I’m torn, I understand about the impulsivity side and it’s double standards in a sense, but I just feel hurt.

Wow, you have explained that perfectly! So many people have been trying to make me understand the second woman is not a nice character, but I’ve always seen the good. But the “Sometimes you can see it in the cruelest of people and its amazing to see. But we can’t be in a relationship with every person because of that side”. That really made sense to me, thankyou. It’s almost the people with a very questionable side are often the one to give more chances to, because when you see the good in them you almost justify it by saying ‘underneath all that they are a good person’. Which she is, but sometimes that doesn’t make them right for my life.

The third is occasionally responding, she’s taking her time, but I’m just happy to have her apart of my life and see where it goes. She’s set on a friendship but who knows, I guess time will tell. Do you have any suggestions on how to work on fear and impulsivity? I have thought about meditation, perhaps a retreat for a few days.

Thanks again for the message

Thanks Anita!

I’m not actually sure if work has accepted my resignation or not. They haven’t spoke to me about it, but on the Monday when I resigned they could tell I was down and told me to take the evening off. I tend to be very impulsive, I still think it is a good idea, though I think having a plan may have been the better option. I will see if they discuss it with me this week as today is my first day back with management in.

Ok in regard to the first woman- when we were together, she was very caring, giving, loving. We had our ups and downs but every relationship does. A few months before we ended I told her I wasn’t happy, but she wanted to work on things and I decided the least I could do was try. Anyway, she had started acting differently before we separated, I asked her if there was anything to be concerned about and she said no. I found out about the affair, though not through her. Things were said out of anger but a few weeks later I had said to her I don’t agree with what happened but I understand some people make bad decisions and it doesn’t make them bad people. She is still with the other woman now, though she didn’t take kindly when I moved on.  When I started seeing someone new she changed the locks on the house while my belongings were still in there, made it difficult for me to see my dog, and locked me in a room. Things are much more amicable now, we only communicate when it comes to our dog.

The second woman came along when I was very vulnerable. I jumped into something way too soon because I think I was chasing comfort. She gave me a lot of attention, we would speak for hours a day. She has a habit of lying, even about irrelevant things. She has a very sensitive genuine side that I can connect with, then she has a different side where she switches off and becomes cold and distant. She doesn’t like people saying no to her, about a month ago she did things sexually that I asked her not to, and I know that wasn’t okay and so did she. Yet I still went back there after that.

The third girl , the amazing one, was someone independent, where usually I am with people very reliant of my time and attention. I liked this, though she was closed with her feelings and I took that as her not caring. She moved away as her visa was up, and we were talking every day until she asked if I had been with girl number 2. She was hurt that it was only a few days after she left, and her of all people. She has come around a bit now and said we can try give it ago as friends which I am appreciative to have her in my life one way or another.

I just seem to mess things up for myself when I get scared rather than seeing what happens. I really want to learn to not let things consume me as much as they do. The situation with my good friend was all I could focus on, and just in general rather than accepting things I seem to want to change them.