April 11, 2019 at 4:48 am #288667
Recently I posted in the forum which had me reflect on a few things.
Until recently, I have never enjoyed my own company. I was busy from morning to night to avoid my own thoughts. Simply because my thoughts are dark, and I never trusted myself with them because they took over me at one point which resulted in hospitalisation.
I’ve come to realise I always have flings or relationships, and as soon as they end I dispose of any evidence of them even existing. Which makes me think two things, 1. I’m settling for company opposed to natural progression and 2. I don’t deal with my emotions. Nostalgia sets in and I go out and distract myself and forget until the cycle continues.
When I came out of a long term relationship, any gifts, paintings, assets; I gave away or sold. When I come out of flings I end up with a new one until I’m bored or it doesn’t work out. When I meet someone I’m actually interested in, I self sabotage if I don’t have reassurance that they are on the same level as me. For example, I was seeing a girl for about 3 months who was moving away, when she wanted to see how things went instead of making a form of commitment to each other I ended up sleeping with someone else. In turn, this hurt her and I lost her. I fought to try and make it work but my actions spoke loudly to her, so I deleted her number, and anything that reminded me of her I threw out.
When I care, I give my all. I don’t expect anything in return as that’s not the purpose of giving. But I almost give too much, including my identity. I’m stubborn as hell, impulsive, and irrational, but when I’m with someone I will make them feel like they are my world, yet do something to hurt them at the same time.
I have come along way in not filling her void and actually trying to focus on myself. I’ve had interest and not engaged in it because I’m actually trying to do things for myself that I enjoy. But the thing that I’m stuck with is how to get started. How do I change my behaviour to stop these patterns?
I want to grow as a person, but it seems my wants and my actions contradict each other.April 11, 2019 at 5:01 am #288669
A few questions for you.
Do you have any friendships? People who are purely friends, mates, buddies… Do you have a social circle?
You say until recently, you did not enjoy your own company, because of dark thoughts. Is this improving?
You know your own faults – (stubborn as hell, impulsive, and irrational), so are you taking any steps to remedy these faults?
What was your childhood like, who were your role models and what were they like?
These questions might help us to understand you a bit more, and suggest ways to help.
JayApril 11, 2019 at 6:33 am #288677
Hi Jay Jay
Thankyou for the response. I have a very wide social network, I seem to be the person that ‘knows everyone’. I have some very close friends who have been there through very rough times even when I didn’t want them to be. When I say fear of being alone, I guess this also includes making plans with friends to fill that void.
My thoughts are certainly improving. When I wasn’t in a good place I was between emergency and ICU a handful of times in 6 months. I was admitted as an impatient for a while but I genuinely didn’t want help. Now I do things to prevent getting to that point. I write my feelings and have a plan in action of small things to do if I feel I am in a dangerous spot because I don’t ever want to go backwards.
I am trying, though not necessarily accomplishing. Impulsively is something I have always struggled with, I don’t think before I do things which leads me to being irrational and stubborn. I’m not sure how to work on those areas, acknowledging it is one thing but implementing it I find hard in the moment.
My childhood wasn’t bad, wasn’t good. There was some domestic violence and my dad was an alcoholic through most of it. My mum worked a lot and didn’t like leaving us alone with him but she did the best she could and is an amazing mother. They are still together and I get along with my siblings. Growing up we didn’t get along as much as there was a lot of substance abuse by all of us but as we grew older we grew closer.April 14, 2019 at 10:57 am #289021
Hi again, George,
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.
It sounds like your early experiences of life have led to the way you are and behave now, even though time has moved on.
Time can move on from living through those experiences (and some of yours sound pretty hard to have dealt with) but we can get stuck in that time warp forever. If this happens, then we continually go back and do the same things over and over again, even though we know it will not improve our relationships or our lives as a whole.
Are you having, or have you had, any quality psychotherapy or any help from a counsellor so that you can deal with those things in your past that are affecting your present way of dealing with things?
Have you taken any steps to try and erase those voids you see in your life?
I hope you can come back to me on these questions, and maybe I can help further.
JayApril 14, 2019 at 10:59 pm #289079
Hi again Jay
Thank you for the response. Yes I do agree certain behaviours stem from our upbringing without recognising the underlying reason of what shapes us as a person. I think acknowledging that is important but I still believe each action anyone chooses, and each thought, is controlled by no one but the individual themselves.
I have had a lot of therapy from 14 years until about 20. In the past year I returned to therapy though I didn’t find it useful. Originally I did an intensive program in order to be released from the mental health ward, which I didn’t want help at the time and didn’t try to help myself. I started one on one therapy after, which to some degree was helpful. I stopped going as I don’t think we were the right fit for eachother. I was looking at starting back up soon, I’ve made an enquiry about a program that helps put a few strategies in place.
I have tried to fill the void in other ways. I’ve starged reading a lot of self growth books and spending more time to myself. Cycling and enjoying my own company. I never used to like my own company because of my thoughts. I have stopped actively dating, usually I would have someone lined up to avoid the recent breakup, but I am coming to terms with trying to deal with my emotions.
I am very emotionally driven and I cannot control them. If logically I know a decision is bad, I will follow my emotions and do it anyway, usually resulting in a worse outcome. To be honest, I think I am really lost. I want to be happy with who I am, and not be so impulsive or have to try fix other people’s actions because I know they don’t define me, I just allow myself to think they do.
Many thanksApril 15, 2019 at 1:46 am #289083
First, love the name, nice choice.
One of the things that helped me a lot which you may/may not have across already is learning about & practicing recognising that your emotions are separate to you, your identity. It may sound weird but by doing so you become increasingly aware of the gap there is between feeling something and re-acting to it. E.g. for me, if I am feeling anger or upset, I know the best thing for me is to go take a walk, calm down, get some space. That way I can then choose how I want to act – not just react to the emotion at that time. As I’ve practiced more, the need for physical space gets less and I’m able to be aware of the feeling without necessarily accepting it as ‘true’. It’s then possible to evaluate it, see if it’s telling me something useful or not. Look at it from different perspectives as nothing is ever black/white.
Part of being able to do that means having a good idea of what I value, what I would like to achieve. Mark Manson’s blog has some great articles on this for free, though his reading style may not be for everyone. I can go into this more myself if you think it would be helpful.
Take care – it’s a great step to be reaching out and looking to grow.April 15, 2019 at 3:49 am #289087
I agree, separating emotions from yourself are so important! I just really struggle to do so when I’m in the moment. Rational me will know this, and then if I am angry or upset I can’t seem to separate myself from it. I did once the other night actually, I REALLY wanted to send a message to an old friend. I thought about it and knew it wasn’t worth it because the answer would upset me, and I can’t change someone else’s actions. I was very proud that I didn’t send it because usually I would, but then the next morning I woke up and sent it anyway 🙁
I am reading his book currently actually, The Art of Not Giving a ___. It’s not a bad read, I do agree a lot with what he says, it’s just implementing them that I need to work on.
If there is anything you would find useful I would love to hear it, and thankyou for taking the time to comment!April 15, 2019 at 11:52 pm #289217
Wanting to grow as a person is a great thing, but before working on your habits, you need to have a basic understanding of yourself.
You yourself have express the thought that you are uncomfortable with acknowledging your emotions; your thoughts originate from your base desire. Unfortunately, emotions is one of the fundamental basis that makes up a human being. So ignoring your emotions is more detrimental than beneficial.
Your negative thoughts are not unusual, but because you fear the roots of it, you instead let them push you towards impulsive actions. Actions are spurred on by either desire or thoughts, though desire tend to take precedent more than thoughts. And most of your actions seem to stem from the fear of losing your relationship, or something along those lines. But you simply acknowledge your impulsive actions as something you do because that’s the sort of person you are. That sort of thinking can be dangerous because once you’ve labeled an identity to yourself, then you’ll likely cling to that identity regardless of how detrimental it is to you. It’s safer after all, to have an identity to describe yourself; because without it, how empty would you be?
You call yourself stubborn, impulsive and irrational, but human beings were irrational to begin with, you are not alone in that aspect. Now, what separate each person’s irrationality is motive and desire. People tend to emphasize on different things for survival or what they instinctively believe is crucial to their survival. Then they seek for those object/subject by way of their environment because it’s simply easier to seek subjects like affection or approval from other people as you might be able to actually see it lived out from them to you. But always depending on others for their affection send certain messages to them, one of which is that their value in the relationship is based on whether that person can continuously provide you a show of affection. If they can and do, then you feel that it is enough so give yourself to them in exchange. In doing so, you effectively bury yourself into being their something, an identity that you apparently take pride in. Yet, in the end, you cannot avoid the fact that you are an individual with your own needs. No matter how much you might tolerate other people’s demands, there is still a certain limit you won’t be able to pass. And when it gets to be too much, the question becomes ‘how will you act out’.
You are an irrational human being like anyone else, but that doesn’t stop you from ignoring your irrationality and rationalizing your emotions, which is what is spurring on the choices/decisions you make. There’s a difference between knowing you are irrational to accepting that irrationality. You might even use that irrationality as an excuse to not change. After all, you’ve already acknowledged that you are irrational, what more can you do? But that’s just one perspective that you may cling to. Though whether you can acknowledge that there are different ways to look at it is entirely dependent on you.
What people find the hardest to do is probably what they need to do.
Get to know yourself; acknowledge your emotions, the good and the bad. Try to not rationalize them as you being irrational, stubborn or impulsive. Emotions are simply emotions; it is your being that act on them, it is you that give them meaning. Your negative thoughts are scary, but they are your thoughts, get to know them as a friend giving another friend their shoulder and listening ear. Your thoughts do push at your insecurity and fear so you decide on how to response to them.
You can’t just change your habit, you must first change your perspective.April 16, 2019 at 5:22 am #289221
It seems you never get some “time off” for yourself and really get some introspection. Having a wide circle of people, although really admirable and fun, it can give you a sense that everyone can be easily replaced in your life. Here’s what I mean : I know that if I break up with her because it’s so easy to find someone knew due to my contacts. Maybe internally, subconsciously that’s why you wrong people that you care deeply about.
Also, getting some alone time can help you meditate, pray, think things clearly without any interference. Do please consider going on a mini vacation if possible, or starting a new hobby. It helped me a lot. Namaste ?