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I agree with Azu. I think he should have respected that you wanted to take it slow and get to know him, but he seems really persistent to go against what you’ve asked.
Don’t feel pressured to change it question your morals
I agree, separating emotions from yourself are so important! I just really struggle to do so when I’m in the moment. Rational me will know this, and then if I am angry or upset I can’t seem to separate myself from it. I did once the other night actually, I REALLY wanted to send a message to an old friend. I thought about it and knew it wasn’t worth it because the answer would upset me, and I can’t change someone else’s actions. I was very proud that I didn’t send it because usually I would, but then the next morning I woke up and sent it anyway 🙁
I am reading his book currently actually, The Art of Not Giving a ___. It’s not a bad read, I do agree a lot with what he says, it’s just implementing them that I need to work on.
If there is anything you would find useful I would love to hear it, and thankyou for taking the time to comment!
Hi again Jay
Thank you for the response. Yes I do agree certain behaviours stem from our upbringing without recognising the underlying reason of what shapes us as a person. I think acknowledging that is important but I still believe each action anyone chooses, and each thought, is controlled by no one but the individual themselves.
I have had a lot of therapy from 14 years until about 20. In the past year I returned to therapy though I didn’t find it useful. Originally I did an intensive program in order to be released from the mental health ward, which I didn’t want help at the time and didn’t try to help myself. I started one on one therapy after, which to some degree was helpful. I stopped going as I don’t think we were the right fit for eachother. I was looking at starting back up soon, I’ve made an enquiry about a program that helps put a few strategies in place.
I have tried to fill the void in other ways. I’ve starged reading a lot of self growth books and spending more time to myself. Cycling and enjoying my own company. I never used to like my own company because of my thoughts. I have stopped actively dating, usually I would have someone lined up to avoid the recent breakup, but I am coming to terms with trying to deal with my emotions.
I am very emotionally driven and I cannot control them. If logically I know a decision is bad, I will follow my emotions and do it anyway, usually resulting in a worse outcome. To be honest, I think I am really lost. I want to be happy with who I am, and not be so impulsive or have to try fix other people’s actions because I know they don’t define me, I just allow myself to think they do.
Hi again Anita!
Yes I certainly won’t be starting any relationships until I invest a lot more time in myself first.
The best friend wanted to talk about it face to face. I said I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t particularly know how I will react to certain things. She said let’s just talk, you go first, and then I’ll speak and we can go from there. So she came over, I just said I felt betrayed, and then more betrayed that she continued it regardless of a title of a friendship. I said that she wanted to repair the friendship, and when you hurt someone, the same actions don’t indicate you want to fix them to me. She said she will stop talking to her if that’s what I want. I said I would never tell someone who they can or can’t speak to, morally I would have assumed you wouldn’t but at the same time that’s my morals not yours. She apologised, and said she wanted one too because I said hurtful things. I said I can’t apologise because I believe what I said I meant, I did feel betrayed and I did feel hurt, and I’m entitled to have those feelings. She said if I can’t apologise she’s done , so she left.
I agree with you that I need to let them both go. In regard to the amazing one, I’m finding that hard. I’m not getting much back though and I need to accept it and move on.
Thankyou for the suggestions, I will start investing my time into more positive things to help myself. I had a good sleep! No sleepwalking, and I didn’t wake up through out the night much. I still do need to take my sleeping tablets because I will withdraw if I stop completely, but I am aiming to spend a few nights a week without one and gradually reduce now that I know I can 🙂
Update: I’ve back tracked. I don’t know why I did it but I messaged the toxic one and asked if she had seen or spoke to my best friend since. She said both. I said I thought after them saying sorry and realising it hurt me that I was surprised, and she said what did I expect when I had blocked them both and didn’t want them in my life. I guess I just assumed that they would try repair the damage after saying sorry and not continue it. Either way I know I need to let it go and I font know why I let it consume me again.
THEN, I sent a message to the special one, a long message along the lines of saying I know I have hurt you and I know it’s a long shot, but would she consider giving us a go. Apologised for the hurt I caused and that we have the potential to be something special. It’s like I’m setting myself up to fail because she has told me before it was over each attempt. She hasn’t read it yet due to the time difference as she’s now back home in another country
THEN, I ordered 6 roses to her house and it said:
You’re all kinds of beautiful, from the inside out, that I’ve never seen before. “Into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in” C.A. Duffy
It’s like as soon as things go bad I shift my attention somewhere else. I know my feelings are genuine with her, but I seem to invest more time and fight for something as soon as I have time to think. I think maybe a combination of both the situations have got me down and I’m constantly focusing on one of the two.
I want to respect her wishes, and clearly I’m not doing that by sending flowers or a long message.
Sorry, I should have clarified I meant a self growth retreat. To try learn how to do the basics of getting in touch with myself. Some I have seen online run for a few days and have a routine of yoga, silent time, learning sessions etc.
Thank you so much for all your suggestions, and for taking the time to reply. I’ll look into each of what you’ve suggested, I just needed a starting point which you helped me find. I’m very interested in the psychotherapy you mentioned, I’ve not heard of that before.
Last night I was reading for a good few hours. Which is rare for me on a Friday night. When I put myself to bed I thought I would try sleep without a sleeping tablet, which I’ve always thought was impossible. My mind started racing with anger and all I wanted to do was unblock my friend and the girl to ask them if they had seen eachother since that night. Then I thought about some things you had said. Why? What will come of it? Can I change the outcome? Regardless of the answer will that change my hurt that I already feel? So I tried focusing on my breathing and letting it pass, and it did. I fell asleep for the first time in almost a year without sleeping tablets. It goes to show the power of the mind, and how unaware I was beforehand.
That is so kind of you to offer support, I will certainly keep that in mind next time I feel impulsive.
Thanks Anita. That’s very true, I guess I am the only one who is able to choose the way I let something affect me. It’s just hard in the moment to practice this, logically I know I need to take some time out and calm down but when I’m feeling a certain way I find it hard to step outside of that.
My manager pulled me aside yesterday and said ‘Can I throw your resignation in the bin’. I said ‘I can’t unresign’, and he said ‘well if it’s in the bin I never received it, I told you you’re valued here, talk to me next time don’t just up and leave’. My company is very good to me. I’ve been there for 5 years and they have been very understanding.
In regard to the best friend, she knew it wasn’t over with the ex as she knew I was intimate with her just the other week. I just feel morally I would never go there with a friends most recent ex, or ex in general if there were feelings involved. I want to forgive her, but I just don’t feel I can trust her now. She had been such a good friend to me, as I had been to her, but that’s why I think I can’t move past it, because it hurt a lot. When we spoke about it her apology didn’t seem awfully genuine, it was just reasons as to why it was okay. I’m torn, I understand about the impulsivity side and it’s double standards in a sense, but I just feel hurt.
Wow, you have explained that perfectly! So many people have been trying to make me understand the second woman is not a nice character, but I’ve always seen the good. But the “Sometimes you can see it in the cruelest of people and its amazing to see. But we can’t be in a relationship with every person because of that side”. That really made sense to me, thankyou. It’s almost the people with a very questionable side are often the one to give more chances to, because when you see the good in them you almost justify it by saying ‘underneath all that they are a good person’. Which she is, but sometimes that doesn’t make them right for my life.
The third is occasionally responding, she’s taking her time, but I’m just happy to have her apart of my life and see where it goes. She’s set on a friendship but who knows, I guess time will tell. Do you have any suggestions on how to work on fear and impulsivity? I have thought about meditation, perhaps a retreat for a few days.
Thanks again for the message
Hi Jay Jay
Thankyou for the response. I have a very wide social network, I seem to be the person that ‘knows everyone’. I have some very close friends who have been there through very rough times even when I didn’t want them to be. When I say fear of being alone, I guess this also includes making plans with friends to fill that void.
My thoughts are certainly improving. When I wasn’t in a good place I was between emergency and ICU a handful of times in 6 months. I was admitted as an impatient for a while but I genuinely didn’t want help. Now I do things to prevent getting to that point. I write my feelings and have a plan in action of small things to do if I feel I am in a dangerous spot because I don’t ever want to go backwards.
I am trying, though not necessarily accomplishing. Impulsively is something I have always struggled with, I don’t think before I do things which leads me to being irrational and stubborn. I’m not sure how to work on those areas, acknowledging it is one thing but implementing it I find hard in the moment.
My childhood wasn’t bad, wasn’t good. There was some domestic violence and my dad was an alcoholic through most of it. My mum worked a lot and didn’t like leaving us alone with him but she did the best she could and is an amazing mother. They are still together and I get along with my siblings. Growing up we didn’t get along as much as there was a lot of substance abuse by all of us but as we grew older we grew closer.
I’m not actually sure if work has accepted my resignation or not. They haven’t spoke to me about it, but on the Monday when I resigned they could tell I was down and told me to take the evening off. I tend to be very impulsive, I still think it is a good idea, though I think having a plan may have been the better option. I will see if they discuss it with me this week as today is my first day back with management in.
Ok in regard to the first woman- when we were together, she was very caring, giving, loving. We had our ups and downs but every relationship does. A few months before we ended I told her I wasn’t happy, but she wanted to work on things and I decided the least I could do was try. Anyway, she had started acting differently before we separated, I asked her if there was anything to be concerned about and she said no. I found out about the affair, though not through her. Things were said out of anger but a few weeks later I had said to her I don’t agree with what happened but I understand some people make bad decisions and it doesn’t make them bad people. She is still with the other woman now, though she didn’t take kindly when I moved on. When I started seeing someone new she changed the locks on the house while my belongings were still in there, made it difficult for me to see my dog, and locked me in a room. Things are much more amicable now, we only communicate when it comes to our dog.
The second woman came along when I was very vulnerable. I jumped into something way too soon because I think I was chasing comfort. She gave me a lot of attention, we would speak for hours a day. She has a habit of lying, even about irrelevant things. She has a very sensitive genuine side that I can connect with, then she has a different side where she switches off and becomes cold and distant. She doesn’t like people saying no to her, about a month ago she did things sexually that I asked her not to, and I know that wasn’t okay and so did she. Yet I still went back there after that.
The third girl , the amazing one, was someone independent, where usually I am with people very reliant of my time and attention. I liked this, though she was closed with her feelings and I took that as her not caring. She moved away as her visa was up, and we were talking every day until she asked if I had been with girl number 2. She was hurt that it was only a few days after she left, and her of all people. She has come around a bit now and said we can try give it ago as friends which I am appreciative to have her in my life one way or another.
I just seem to mess things up for myself when I get scared rather than seeing what happens. I really want to learn to not let things consume me as much as they do. The situation with my good friend was all I could focus on, and just in general rather than accepting things I seem to want to change them.
Hi everyone! Thank you for the replies, I honestly really appreciate that. I’m not actually sure how to reply separately and I also think I accidentally reported someone! I am sorry! I am not too good with technology. Please see below replies:
Hi Peter! I think this is exactly what I need, a starting point. I’ll certainly take a look over the link you sent through.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond!
The woman I was dating on and off for a year has just ended recently. We were toxic in the sense we were very codependent on each other. She often would lie and was very manipulative, though underneath all that was a good person. A lot of other people noticed the manipulation except for myself this until I took a good step back. She just had two very different sides to her, but I allowed the relationship to continue and always went back to her.
The betrayal was my friend sleeping with her the other night. I emotionally moved on with the amazing girl, but as I said I messed that up by going back to the toxic girl the other week. My friend saw the ups and downs of our relationship, she knew I went back there just the other week. I just feel beyond hurt and betrayed even though I’m still hung up one someone else. I let it take over my emotions and it was all I could focus on. My friend was apologetic and said it was because she thought as far as feelings went that we didn’t have any for each other. I have removed them both from my life at this point.Thankyou for the response so far
I don’t have much knowledge on spiritual practice but I would like to learn more about it. There’s a link above that I will start on to get exploring! </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Thankyou
- This reply was modified 8 months ago by Curiousgeorge.